Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

Did you both take an STI test when you both agreed to stop contraception?

Message him.

"Glad you ended things because I was tired of faking it."

Disagree. I don't mind him telling me it's over (although on a purely physical level I will miss the sex). I mind him doing so immediately after ejaculating into me, not to put too fine a point on it.
I don't care how he defines our thing, but for God's sake have some manners. Be grateful for the fun, say goodbye, text me later.

Yes, although to be clear it was only condoms we stopped. I use other contraception.

It doesn't sound like a friends with benefits relationship because you were never friends in the first place (who needs enemies with "friends" like that eww). You were fuck buddies, end off, nothing wrong but lets call a spade a spade, ok. Clearly the sexual relationship runs its course for him, just not for you and that totally sucks (to get dumped by a lover). He's really lacking in the empathy department as this was a very unkind way of breaking up with you. I'm really sorry this happened to you but I believe you've dodged a bullet with this one, imagine you continued having sex and developing feeling for such a twat (shudders).

I would cut all ties with this dude and move on. Do not hook up with him again, he might contact you in a couple months when he's bored: don't do it. Find a kinder FWB or fuck buddy, they exist.

In the future don't give access to your body to people who are unkind to you, it's terrible for the self esteem.

This is bullshit and used to excuse rude, entitled men.

The OP wasn’t after bonding. Just good manners.

I can bring myself to be polite to the postie or the person serving me in Waitrose. I think a person you’ve just had sex with whether or not they’ve been flooded with oxytocin can manage it.

OP,
Earlier on you said you wanted Respect as well. But what is your definition of respectful behaviour and does this person share it?

I don't think enough open discussion took place between you to ensure both of you got out at the end of it without one of you feeling disrespected.

It's quite possible and indeed likely he doesn't believe he has been disrespectful considering the communications and behaviours between you.

I think it's a mistake assume anyone naturally "understands" the same as you regarding what consistutes respectful behaviour. This is where communication comes in because people brains and hormones and upbringings are all different.

Hear, hear.

"what's your definition of respect".

I don't think anyone should need a discussion to establish that this is not it. 🙄

What a dick. How many years until one of your families leaves the school and you won’t have to face him at the school pick-up anymore?

I agree. FGS this isn’t a marriage. We shouldn’t have to have ground rules for every single encounter or relationship. People should just have good manners and respect for others.

Of course many people don’t but that doesn’t mean we can’t offload about it.

The idea of getting a text that more or less said the sex was fun but I'm bored now we should move on, literally makes me cringe. If you read my post a few posts back thats my views but as I mentioned I'm sorry this happened. Has it altered your views now of this type of arrangement OP ?

Exactly this. On commencement of our arrangement I didn't think it necessary to explain that I wouldn't find it massively appealing form him to end it quite like that.

Would it really be any better if he did it half an hour later? He'd have still used you for sex knowing it was over. He'd just have been trying to hide it. Or not have to face you.

You seem to have regarded this arrangement differently from him. The ' friends' bit clearly wasn't occurring for him. Just the benefit bit.

Sorry OP. I think this is about you nose being put a bit out of joint because you have had to face up to the fact you didn't really mean anything at all to him other than a shag.

But that is what these arrangements are. Trying to fit arbitrary rules around manners when you have made something so usually intimate, so utterly transactional, seems a contradiction.

If you want NSA sex, go ahead. But you don't really have a solid basis to complain when you find out there really were no strings.

No it's not. I don't have time for a proper relationship but I like sex. If there is a man I know who I fancy and is in a similar position I would love a similar arrangement again.

What a knob!! I remember I was seeing someone once (for about three months) He stayed over and we shagged twice, I woke up in the morning and he’d gone!! Never to be heard of again. We’ve all been dumped but it was a real slap in the face that he had to have two final shags before his moonlight flit. I kept wondering if he was planning his escape whilst we were at it 🤔

Well as far as I understood it, it is pretty much impossible to NOT bond, even a small amount, through sex.

Her body and mind has reacted from this experience.

What she is describing sounds like disappointment/loss because there was some sort of "unspoken expectation" about how the other person would end the relationship and it wasn't met.

What everyone else thinks this guy "should" have done is kind of irrelevant really. He's not reading this and has said goodbye.

Presumably OP doesn't want a repeat experience of feeling like a used tissue. She can only focus on how she communicates and behaves next time.

Oh stop putting words into the OP’s mouth. She’s made it perfectly clear she wasn’t after any strings or any meaning to their arrangement. That doesn’t mean he can’t be respectful.

The number of people here that think it’s okay to behave like this and be rude to people around them is quite shocking really. No wonder there are so many shit men.

It would have been quite a bit better, yes. I was literally naked and in the afterglow.

I don't get the argument that 'no strings' is an excuse for this behaviour. If it was a first date and we went for coffee, and he said halfway through with no warning 'Yeah sorry it's not for me' and then walked out, I'd feel that it was very bad manners. This was obviously much more intimate a setting.

Sorry you had that experience, OP. That's a bit rotten.

I had the odd ONS decades ago but have never had an FWB arrangement (and have now been with DH for over 25 years). It appears he has met someone to whom he wants to commit (and as a PP said, that woman might not be wild about the fact that he was in your bed this morning). In any case, I agree that there are basics of courtesy which apply. I think he should have told you ahead of time and left you to decide whether you still wanted to have sex with him or not. By his actions, he treated you as nothing but a hole in which to stick his dick. I think his behaviour was truly shitty and I don't think there's any harm in letting him know that a decent guy would not have behaved as he did around this (getting one last shag in whilst knowing he intended to end it) and that he might want to reflect on that.

As regards what he said about exclusivity - I suspect there has been an overlap as many men would be quite slow to burn bridges in this way. When I was a young woman, my father told me never to believe what a man told me about his sex life. It's a bit of a grim message to receive from your father (and I hasten to add there was a context to him giving me this warning and it was helpful) but in fact every time I have tested this over the years, either directly or via friends - and even chatting it through with good male friends - this has been confirmed. I don't know why men can't just be honest - it's as if, at some level, they think all women are nuns or something - but there seems to be an instinctive playing down of their past experiences. Perhaps they assume they will face detailed questioning on it (eons ago, one boyfriend did give that as the explanation even though I had had 5 partners to his 3 (he initially told me 1) but I had no desire to question him). Who knows? But I think it's worth bearing in mind.

when I was much younger and stupider, I heard a good question. "Would you share your toothbrush with this person?" Because if you wouldn't share your toothbrush why would you share your body?

Yes, absolutely this! ⬆️

Thats breathtakingly rude to say the least😮
He knew he was going to end it, but shagged you anyway, bloody hell!

If and when you see him again… Ignore, Ignore… he’s horrible doing that!

I don't think that works because, honestly, there is no one I will share my toothbrush with.

People can do that in relationships too.

FWB just seems odd.

Wanting to be very low-key and easy-going, perhaps because you're newly single, is fine. Not looking for anything serious can often be very sensible.

But if you're both good friends and sufficiently mutually attracted to have sex, why would it definitively be only that? I'd be a little offended that the other person didn't want more of me.

And I'd worry the friendship would end badly when one of us meets someone we ARE strongly attracted to. How do you kindly say to your FWB 'Sorry, I've met someone', without the subtext being 'And they're better than you'? Why risk it?

The opposite of love/romantic interest is bored, benign indifference. Just ignore him. No texts, no smiles/waves and don't speak to (or ideally even think about) him. He's a slimy, shabby irrelevance. Not worth a further second of your time.