Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

Many husbands appear not to respect their wife, judging by the frequent posts on mumsnet, so I fail to see what your point is.

Some men are just twats. Whether or not you're married to them, casually shagging them or even just on a first date with them is irrelevant. A twat is a twat and often you don't know until it's too late.

OP - he's, as you might have guessed, a Twat. But I would send a text as PP has suggested making clear that what he did was unacceptable - he used you this morning, and I bet he knows it. He just hoped you wouldn't call him out on it.

Also, a question from someone who has never been involved in this type of arrangement; surely if the last encounter was based on her understanding of their situation to date, it wasn’t consensual? The OP has said she wouldn’t have had sex if she’d known. He needs to be made aware of what he’s actually done which is obtain sex by deceit.

I’m so glad we had that chat as I was wondering how to break it off, so I was relieved when you broached breaking up first saving me the bother. You can’t really maintain a relationship when the sex is not that good and I’m so glad you felt the same. Wishing you all the best.

This is the way to go!!

look good, but not dressed up & carry on as usual!

xx

Just reading through the responses (thanks everyone).

I never expected big emotions at the end. He could have texted last night and said 'I think it's run its course' or even 'I think it's run its course, but how about one more time?' Both would have been fine.

But this isn't about FWB/FB etiquette. It's about basic decency. The gap between him coming (literally) and going (relationship-wise) was about one minute. I was still lying there. He didn't even fucking say thanks!

It's the speed and situation that pisses me off. And what upsets me is sex under false pretences. I knew we had no romantic feelings for each other but I did think we respected one another more than he apparently respects me.

I wouldn't txt him but if someone you both know asks if you still see him i would be truthful about it. I'd probably shame him to his face as well.

Not true at all. FWB are as respectful/not respectful as people in any type of relationship.

'lower yourself' 🤣🤣🤣🤣

go without if that's what you want, but you can jog on with 'lowering yourself'

OP FWIW I don't think generally men and women "think" in the same way about sex. Look up Oxytocin and Vasopressin and how it affects men and women differently. Obviously there are individual differences.

"The bonding chemicals for men and woman are different, women primarily bond from oxytocin vs men primarily bond through vasopressin, and the expression of vasopressin is driven by conflict and pursuit and problem solving."

I saw this posted on another forum and may have some truth to it.

Don’t text him, but stay strong because I fucking guarantee he will be back sniffing round sooner or later. Then say ‘Nah! It’s run its course.’

Your're acting like you were doing him a favour by having sex with him, he "got what he wanted" from you first etc. If you felt like that you shouldn't have been doing it, it was a fwb not a relationship. Weren't you also getting what you wanted? Or were you wanting more of a girlfriend arrangement with him.

He tricked you into consent. Disgusting. Hugs to you, however you are feeling now is completely valid. He is repulsive

Exactly!!

Meh, there's a lot to be said for loveless sex sometimes... My best sexual experiences are with people I didn't love...

I think his behaviour was pretty much what you'd expect for FWB. I think these arrangements mainly benefit men because women have a more emotional response.

It's a bit of a nonsense putting rules of what is and isn't good FWB etiquette.

Also I didn't realise exclusivity existed for FWB. Sounds like he wanted a condom free fuck so promised he wouldn't shag anyone else. Was he telling the truth?

It's hard being single so no judgement here but I'd think harder about what you really want and what you expect from a man.

I would text him and say “I’m glad you said what you did as I had felt the same and wasn’t sure how to say it! What a relief!”

No it was working fine for me. I didn't want anything but sex (well, apart from basic respect).

I'm angry on your behalf OP. This man is a scumbag. He tricked you into non consensual sex this morning (and he knew it). I would text him to say something along those lines. Obviously he won't care, because he's a total bastard, but it might just make him uncomfortable for five minutes.

I know what I wanted from him. We had good sex. I wanted nothing more.

He saw it as a emotion free practical arrangement. For him it was no different from going to a cafe one last time for a coffee he likes. Or a prostitute one last time and then telling her he would not longer be using her services.

Lesson for all women: this is exactly what no strings sex means to men.

It's interesting to read the mindset differences between women who have no issue with a FWB situation & those who wouldn't dream of it regardless of being highly sexed.

I'm in the latter category & its nothing to do with morals. It's simply because I'd feel totally exploited.You could say both parties meeting for sex without a relationship are exploiting each other & enjoying it. Although I understand this view I would naturally expect a serious commitment within a relationship regardless of whether it lasted. Imo this also results in far more satisfying sex. I feel the same about one night stands & again its just a natural physical response & absolutely nothing to do with lack of sexual desire or low libido.

I feel sorry this happened to you OP. My question is would you be willing to enter another FWB knowing how it feels to have been subjected to such behaviour.

Obviously he's a dick, but re-evaluate what fwb can be. You were both using each other, no more and no less. Owing each other nothing (other than clean std status, and enthusiastic consent). Got to have a hard shell for it (which I why I can't/don't do it, I'm too changeable in my moods!)

You are not being honest with yourself though, are you? If it was just sex, you might feel narked the sex was off the cards, but you wouldn't care about him telling you the arrangement was over immediately afterwards.

You may not have wanted a relationship, but your reaction shows you were expecting him to regard you as more than convenient sex.

Sorry, OP, that is brutal.

On the upside it will (eventually) make for a good story.

I think we all know what FWB means thanks. I still think you even owe a complete stranger some manners let alone someone you’ve had sex with who’s supposed to be a friend too. But we obviously have different values if you think he was okay.

Not true and no-one asked what you'd do.

Yet again, an opportunity for women to voice their disapproval of other what other women choose to do and with whom. What do you want, a Blue Peter badge for your superior standards? 🙄