Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

The condoms thing is just bizarre.

I think people can grasp that some others might see a certain usefulness in no-strings sex.

But what is odd here is the sudden switch to all sorts of "strings" around the ending of a no-strings arrangement. It's kind of like having a no very short skirts policy at a nudist camp.

I hear you, but the issue here at the heart of the discussion is a bit "etiquette surrounding breaking up with a long time fuck buddy", you can choose to be kind or unkind about it. The OP's issue is that he did it in a very unkind way. Again: being in a no sex strings relationship with another fellow human being is not a free pass to being a jerk. Personally I think she dodged a bullet with this idiot but that's just me.

But the op didn’t pick what worked for her, if she did she’d not be in the situation she is, she’s telling him and us, she wants one thing, then being pissed off and upset it wasn’t something else.

no one gives a shit who shags who, or what kind of sex people want or even who with, but the op came on, clearly upset.she even said she’d been treated like shit. When she wasn’t. She was treated exacrly like what she told him she was someone who wanted no strings sex.

She feels like she's been treated like shit - are we saying that just because someone likes no strings sex that they aren't supposed to be upset when someone sleeps with them and tells them it's over immediately after?

How she feels is how she feels

100%

it was such a curved ball thrown at @Sleepingbaggage she had no way that was coming.

clearly the people in here saying what's all the fuss about, are clueless as to the reality of human relationship, basic levels of respect and empathy.

Or they're just being utterly obtuse and deliberately failing to acknowledge that doing a stunt like that was a shitty thing to do to anyone, the lowest of the low.

I think the point is that set ups like this create situations which facilitate someone being able to treat someone else in dehumanising ways and, crucially, cut off your ability to object to it. Which is exactly what happened when he did this.

Why?

Would you seriously trust your sexual health to the word of a casual sex partner who owes you nothing?

This is the norm around here. Going without protection is reserved for monogamous, committed relationships or people who are deliberately engaging in high risk behaviour.

I was responding to someone who was saying they should have used condoms - I was agreeing with them

That’s one of the more deluded things I’ve read on here, on a chat forum rife with stories of dehumanising mistreatment by boyfriends, longtime partners and husbands.

I think its more that removing the relationship part from interactions with other people, especially your sex life, ignores the reality of what it is to be human.

If your interaction with someone is in terms of just being physical bodies to be consumed, you are failing to understand human relationships.

And I think this case shows that quite well.

Oh, sorry.

I think a casual sex partner asking to stop using condoms is a red flag.

That made me laugh for its lack of logic. Saying this situation creates conditions that encourages dehumanisation, does not equal no dehumanisation occurs anywhere else.

That really shouldn't need to be explained.

@LittleWeasel ouch! What a wanker. I hope his knob fell off.

So you’re shocked that he used you for sex. After you had an agreement where he is allowed to use you for sex and you are allowed to use him. He treated you how you have allowed him to. And that’s what people are saying. He had no obligation to let you know before sex or let you know later on because you both agreed to use each other for sex… so that’s what he did. And when he’d done he threw you in the garbage like a piece of used trash. Let that sink in.

Dehumanizing behaviour shouldn't be expected from men in general, that includes boyfriends, long time partners, clients, husbands and people you're involved in a sexual relationship with. I'm pretty shocked I need to remind women of this, but hey ...here we are.

Particularly as he could have been sleeping with someone else the entire time. They saw one another every few weeks - he could have another partner, casual or otherwise. (As could she have had - not trying to suggest he couldn't).

Meeting every few weeks for a year is a bit of a flag to me. Of course people are busy and have busy lives but you have a no strings sex agreement. You live in the same area and you have sex every few weeks?

So that works out as 15 shags or so in a year?

Sorry -I just think that's a bit weird in itself. I could understand it if he lived hundreds of miles away but in the same town and you only see each other for sex every few weeks?

Does he work on an oil rig or something?

I don't think a consensual casual sexual encounter with no expectations is dehumanizing. It's not for everyone and it's up to the people involved to know whether that works for them or not.

I worked for workplaces and bosses that thought it was ok to put staff in harm's way, and that's dehumanizing.

It's not weird at all, it's in fact a very common arrangement. You're having sex with someone who you don't really want to get enmeshed with, so spacing your meetings is a way of setting boundaries. Having sex with a FB twice a week is too messy as it can easily cross to BF territory which is not someone you want in a situation like this. Having sex twice a week is something you do with a partner, not a fuck buddy (unless you're 19 and college roommates lol!).

I think there will be plenty of people in casual no strings arrangements who sleep with one another more than every three weeks. She also stated in the first thread that she was seeing him casually when all they were doing was having sex.

I'm sure there are and that's great if it works for them, but general 'FB etiquette' is that boundaries need to be placed in order not to enmesh yourself with him/her and keeping your meetings spaced out is part of it. Personally I couldn't handle a FB twice a week, that's just too messy and something I reserve for serious partners. Then again... everyone is different and this is just my personal experience.

I can totally see the headline on the Daily Fail tomorrow: "Women discussing no strings sex relationships etiquette on MN" 😂😅

Low standards about what is acceptable behaviour towards each other since just sex. Then expect standards after it ends. FB or whatever its called is fine if both happy with that arrangement but its just sex, so perhaps some therefore dont expect more than just sex.

Colour me cynical but I would be very surprised if the OP was the only person this guy was sleeping with - the sudden ending - looks like someone who thought he was going to be found out - and I wouldn't normally think like that.

You're having great no strings sex for a year and one day you just jump out of bed and run off without even having a shower?