Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

I think there's a difference between it being just sex and someone launching themselves out of someone's front door - not even bothering to shower after telling someone it's run it's course. Pretty sure some FWB arrangements have come to an end in a more productive way - more civilly if you like

Yes, but pre hormones, children don't always share an adult perspective of sex, regardless of biological realities.

At my school we couldn't even look parents of a particularly large family straight in the eye as we thought they had had sex an equivalent number of times to their total number of offspring - which was just too hard to understand.

Don't think the school gate dynamic is the issue. The issue is seeing the great sex guy that you really fancied daily in the aftermath of him ending the arrangement.

I think the issue here is being disposed off in such an unkind way. He could have been nice about it or be a dick, he chose the latter. Anyone who breaks up with a fuck buddy (I'm not saying FWB because they were not friends) in such an unkind manner (woman or man) is as arse.

Or he's met someone else.

May well have been even more liberating than normal

I find this a really odd comment.

I'm sorry, I find your posts just scream, ' I'm wanting to appear really cool about all this, but actually I'm not.'

If he'd told her in advance it would be the last time they were going to have sex

You were not dumped as you were not in a relationship. He ended a mutual agreement, as he doesn’t wish to have sex with you again; he didn’t treat you like shit, he simply told you he didn’t wish to have sex with you again as it was simply a physical outlet for him.

no matter how many crude words you use, you don’t come across like you think you do, some cool liberated woman. You come across as someone who desperately wanted to be involved with this man, settled for less, pretended it’s whay you wanted and are gutted he said he didn’t want to get physical with you again,

If a fuck buddy told me "Hey lets have sex for the last time because I feel this has run it's course and I'm no longer interested or maybe I'm just dating other people" I'd tell him to do one, but that's just me, I guess everyone is different.

Going off on a tangent now about texting him to say he behaved like a jerk: the older I get (and I’m quite old 😬), the less worried I am about taking the space to express my feelings, even if other people think I’m being weird or extra or massively unreasonable. Being ‘dignified’ and pretending you don’t care is a con - the only person who benefits from that is the person who behaved badly in the first place.

I wouldn’t want a screaming match in the playground (for my kid’s sake) but if there’s one thing we know about this guy, it’s that he’s a coward - he isn’t going to do that. A nice clear text expressing hurt and anger is entirely justified and appropriate, whatever the arrangement was called.

I would have ended it when he asked to stop using condoms myself. That would have been the hell no moment. I find it a bit shocking that anyone would be having no strings casual sex without protecting themselves.

I also would not agree to be exclusive in a no strings fuck buddy situationship. That's a big string, and I think an unreasonable expectation. Casual and exclusive are a dichotomy.

I do think a lot of people are fooling themselves about friends with benefits, situationships, and the like. These aren't caring relationships. They're about no fuss orgasms with no expectations. That's the bottom line.

@Sleepingbaggage , get STI testing and examine your expectations. You really don't sound totally comfortable with no strings sex, you've got some unspoken and possibly unconscious expectations that have come out here.

Why? It's all about sex, is it not? Being a fuck buddy that is.
Surely with cool girl fwb/fb types that's what it's all about? No romance, no long-term plans, just the here and now.

I love ice-cream.
There's a great ice cream parlour down the road (there is actually. Lol).
If I go down there today and they tell me me they're sorry but they're closing for good tomorrow it wouldn't stop me buying an ice-cream today.

As Mr Spock might say, "Illogical, Captain."

I think you need to do whatever feels best and gives you closure at the time. I've seen my young self calling all sorts of expletives to a young man who hurt my feelings to being icy cold to another who did the same years after just because I found my energy was best used elsewhere. Closure is a funny things and achieved in different ways. What works for you might not work for me.

I'm loving the retiring cleaner analogy. And I agree, telling someone in advance (before your last visit) gives them an opportunity to decide whether they want their skirting boards given a good seeing to, their kitchen cupboards rearranged or the carpets shampooed, if you might be without a cleaner for a few weeks. For a FWB, surely you just don't bother making another appointment. Or say "It's run its course" when the other person suggests getting together. It's simply impolite to leave a bed or a relationship before the sweat has dried.

People aren't always going to react in the same way. If the OP felt upset about having sex and being told seconds later it was over. That's up to her - it's not for anyone else to tell her how she should have felt or reacted

I've evolved my thinking on this a little. I think pp had a strong point when they said these arrangements are fundamentally dishonest as they are, in reality, relationships, but both parties have to pretend they are not, which means no-one can have any expectations of decent behaviour. I have also taken on board what pp said about this having been done to her by a FB, and that she experienced it as a deliberate humiliation.

Putting these together, I think yes, the manner of his exit was likely a planned exercise in exerting control by humiliating OP, knowing she had no comeback due to this all being an arrangement and not a relationship.

And he was right. That is what happened in reality. OP's reaction shows she did feel humiliated. But she also felt she could not react to him with anger or hurt, but just giggle and put up with it.

And now, because she does not have time for boyfriend/ partner, so her only option for sex is to enter into another such arrangement, so she has to tell herself she is okay with all this. To the point that she has to tell herself that if only he had told her in advance, she could have enjoyed one last ' liberating' shag with him. With the man who humiliated her. Most women do not wish, after finding out something awful about a 'partner' that they had never found out about it so that they could have more sex. Instead they feel a bit sick that they ever had sex with him in the first place. But OP has a strong psychological motive to suppress her actual feelings. None of this seems healthy.

I don't think that at all.
I'm merely pointing out that women who get involved in fwb arrangements are doing exactly what the likes of Tate want them to do.

It's like this: the goal of Tate and his ilk is to have as much commitment free sex as possible.

It is therefore logical to say that in this instance women who have fwb and Tate are in complete alignment.
Do yo disagree? Can't see how you can to be honest.

30 years ago I had a boyfriend who moved 200+ miles away. I used to go up and visit him by coach as I couldn’t afford the train fare.

Saturday evening we went out for a nice meal that I paid for using saved up luncheon vouchers and had a shag when we got back to his place.

Next morning he dumped me saying he deserved a local girlfriend (yes he had a new one lined up). I wanted to go straight home but he had arranged for us to go on this social event (and it would look bad if I didn’t go bla bla bla) Stupidly I went (he announced we had broken up but were still friends - how humiliating thinking back. Why he couldn’t have broken it off before I made the trip I just don’t know. He had obviously decided to do it beforehand as he had totally rearranged his bedroom and on the Sunday morning told me with a smile that the room refurbishment was for his new girlfriend’s benefit.

I feel like an utter mug again writing this post but what a cunt he was!

OP, at least you didn’t pay for a coach fare and meal and then get dumped. Just block and ignore your one.

It's certainly a narrative that you're quite invested in selling! Much more likely that he's just met someone and wanted one last shag.

He did indeed treat me like shite in that moment. But had he told me in advance then that moment wouldn't have occurred, would it? And instead it would have just been clear that this time was the last time.
I always enjoyed it, so I'd have enjoyed it again.

So what you're saying is that if he turned up and said 'Hey, this has run its course, but how about one last time now ?'

You'd have said yes.

I think you lack self respect. And I expect you to contradict this.

But no one, no one, likes to be rejected and that's what happened.
Afterwards maybe hurts more but before - you really would have gone ahead?

I doubt it.

Sex is more than a game of tennis and although you're trying to say otherwise, it's emotional. If you'd played tennis and your partner said immediately after the last shot, 'Sorry, I'm not into this any more', you'd not have posted on MN.

The fact you posted here shows you are feeling those emotions.

You clearly haven't had any fuck buddies and ignore the dynamics, it shows on all your posts and that's ok, but just because you like vainilla ice cream is doesn't mind you should be taking swipes at those who enjoy chocolate ice cream too. It's not a matter of "who's cooler and who's not". Some people (men and women) can engage in sex without strings and some not, many need the emotional safety net of a committed relationship, others not, and that's totally fine. You pick what works for you but let others pick what works for them. Nobody is more or less "cool" for engaging in no strings hook-ups. "Horses for courses" like they say.

Oh sure agree, anyone has the right to feel as they do about anything, but should she share that with others, they equally have a right to say how ridiculous she's being.

I'm sorry but a lot of these responses prove to me that the type of women that have fwbs really shouldn't have them. They're just not cut out for it.

Nope,sex with strangers or men I've no emotional connection with never interested me.

FWIW, I'm not a pearl clutcher nor do I lack libido, in fact its the opposite. We all have our own preferences with no right or wrong. We can also have opinions on certain behaviour & should be able to express them without being torn apart for different views.