Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

What detail do you want?!

But that's not how she feels. She is bothered

This is a fair point. I think now, 24hrs on, I see things slightly differently to yesterday. Had he told me in advance I think I would have met him for one last time. Shame he did it the other way round really as it spoiled it somewhat.

"Great timing, FWB. I've got this really weird rash down below and was going to suggest having a break from sex for a while, just until I get it checked out"

Alas, this would have been perfect.

But both of them have kidded themselves into a position where nobody has the right to ask for better behaviour. She can’t even text him to say ‘you utter fuckhead’, as is traditional, because… well, it was just no-strings. Wasn’t it?

I think this probably nails it.

FB/ FWB/ NSA are dishonest about what is happening. Its a way of building in really low standards and expectations that don't match how people are likely to be actually feeling.

@PacificStatewell said. Most of us, pro-FWB or not, would not like the idea of ‘one final time’, knowing the guy was disappearing after.

The reason is because you feel rejected and used. Either there’s someone better - or worse - there isn’t and he just doesn’t want to do to again!

If it was simply using bodies (equivalent to masturbating) there wouldn’t be any reason to wait after sex, or wait several hours before telling her.

Nope not slut-shaming you at all.
I'm merely pointing out the naivety that some have here that a man who shags them regularly in a fwb situation is their actual bona fide friend thus is going to be all nice and respectful when he decides it's over.

If anything patriarchy loves women to be in fwb. Regular, fuss free sex without even buying the woman a few drinks, not having to deal with her emotions, indeed emotions don't even enter into it as emotions are against the fwb philosophy where it's just about sex. So don't get upset about anything.

From a lot of men's perspective that's a great deal, especially if he's good-looking and can persuade many women into this arrangement.
Indeed the likes of Andrew Tate encourage them and last time I looked he wasn't held up as being a great feminist. Lol.

Of course she can tell him she's not happy with the way it ended irrespective of whether it was FWB or not.

Oh the men know how they feel alright. It's a quick fuck.
Yet I and others like me are the anti-feminists on this thread?!

Women are capable of buying their own drinks. I certainly am and have been for decades. I'm sorry but I don't agree with the issue that someone has to be a bona fide friend in order to treat someone with an ounce of decency. If the OPs friend had already checked out and didn't want to keep the arrangement going all he had to do was text her.

People also very much have the right to be upset if someone has treated them poorly no matter how casual their arrangements were.

For what it’s worth, I think I would text him at some point to say ‘you know what, that was shitty behaviour. I’m really disappointed you did that.’ Why not? It’s true, you get to say what you feel, and he might even learn something from it (and if he doesn’t, it’s not your problem). Doesn’t sound like you’re going to be mates anyway, and there’s no way he’ll have the balls to bring it up with you in person.

and this is the issue, she told him that’s what it was for her and evidently it was not.

I personally can't think of anything worse. Sleeping with someone who has already told you he's checking out of the arrangement. Particularly as it's possible he's sleeping with someone else.

Well you do you. Sex with him was great. I loved it and would have enjoyed one last fuck. May well have been even more liberating than normal. But sadly not to be.

The problem is the school gate dynamic.

I think op is actually lucky to have slid through this with no fallout for her dc, so I'd let sleeping dogs lie.

I rather suspect it might be the school dad/mum thing that had him thinking twice - if that makes you feel better op?

I despise Andrew Tate, I don't find him good looking nor I would ever choose his type as friend or fuck buddy ewww, not that he's capable of being friends with a woman either, some men don't know how to be friends with women and should be avoided. Usually I'm very picky with partners (independently if I'm in a committed relationship or not), I tend to look for kindness and empathy in men, (they do exist). I'm pretty sure the OP's guy had red flags all over him when she started shagging him, she was probably horny and decided to overlook them, it happens 😂

I think people are making too much of the school thing. Our kids are 8. Nobody on my side knows of our arrangement. Not sure if he has told anyone but I wouldn't care if he did really, and certainly wouldn't think it impacted on our kids (neither of whom would exist had their parents not had sex, clearly).

She can but he can quite legitimately tell her she knew it was just sex, so she has no grounds for complaint.

I knew a woman who was in a LTR but living abroad and so set up with another guy to get sex and companionship, telling him what the arrangement was. After over a year he had developed real feelings, and when her BF came back and he was out of the picture, he told her how hurt and used he was. Her reply was just 'you knew what the arrangement was'. He did. But he was also right that he was being used by her and his hurt was legitimate and inevitable.

But the nature of the arrangement cut off his ability to have a leg to stand on in his hurt and greivance.

The drinks bit is part of a wider picture for goodness sake.
They were in a sexual relationship and he ended it.
If the genders were reversed here, everybody would be saying it was perfectly OK for the woman to change her mind at any time AND RIGHTLY SO.

Well in this case, he had the the right to change his mind at any time, too.

Don't like the game of fwb, don't play it.

I do do me. I'm happily single and not sleeping with anyone. Casual or otherwise. I just think it's a bit odd that you've gone from being so upset yesterday (and you had every right to be upset). And now you are saying it would have been liberating to have one last fuck? More liberating than normal because you know he was about to dump you?

He's treated you like shite -I don't personally think it's liberating to fuck someone who can't even be bothered to tell you he doesn't want to see you again before he sleeps with you

And everything points to him having met someone else - given that he's ended the arrangement so abruptly - or he would surely be wanting to continue the great sex you have been having?

Whether or not you fancy Tate is besides the point.
As regards fwb, you and him are on the same side. Men getting NSA sex.

I wouldn't. I don't approach threads from an it's ok for women to do this but men not to do this. The point is the way he ended it - however the OP has re considered and said she would probably have fucked him one last time even if she knew it was going to be the last time

I don't see the contradiction. I was upset yesterday at the manner of the dumping, not the dumping itself. More shock than upset really, given the nature of it.

He did indeed treat me like shite in that moment. But had he told me in advance then that moment wouldn't have occurred, would it? And instead it would have just been clear that this time was the last time.

I always enjoyed it, so I'd have enjoyed it again.