Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

and it’s come as a cold hard shock that he didn’t see it like that, he really did just see it as sex only

Yup, this is it.

@Sleepingbaggage I find some of the responses to you on this post quite misogynistic tbh.
You are not being unreasonable - it was calculated and bad of him to have sex with you and not even waiting until his cock was soft to say it’s over.
It’s ok to be a woman and mother and just enjoy sex without the trappings of a relationship ( a lot of single mums don’t have time or want a relationship)

Nonsense. There are sexual bad manners just like there are other bad manners, and this guy was at the very least rude. I had zero romantic hopes or expectations from either of my FWBs (that was the whole point I’d entered into the arrangement) and I would still have been furious had either of them done this.

And it’s only ‘grim’ if you’re someone who thinks sex is a thing women let men do to them in exchange for commitment. I don’t.

Nonsense. They were not in a relationship of any kind according to OP, just fucking only using their bodies, not their emotions, minds, personalities to bond.

So there can be no faux shock or expectation of manners and what he did could barely even be classed as ill manners.

What he did, if the OP only wanted as she said to use him for sex, was on a par with not holding a door open for someone who you don't know or care about but who works in the same building as you and usually holds a door open for you. Or not responding to a phone call asking you to come round and fix the dishwasher.

Just about meets the requirement for bad manners, but only just.

Nothing at all to be upset about and certainly not something to write a thread about.

OP could not articulate why her feelings were hurt, because that would mean admitting she had feelings.

Her feelings were indeed hurt because he treated her contemptuously - but you can only treat someone contemptuously if you are in some sort of relationship with them.

The other option is it doesn't matter at all and there's nothing to write a thread about let alone be "shocked" about.

And it's definitely grim when you realise - as everyone including you has - that she does indeed feel used and that's why she was upset.

She can't have it both ways.

I agree with this.

I know it's harsh.

But at the same time you were wanting him to let you down gently, perhaps?

No one is perfect. They say the wrong thing at the wrong time, or the right thing at the wrong time.

I think this had been on his mind for a while.
He was bored (it's run its course) or he was seeing someone else, or maybe he wanted a relationship and something like that was being offered.

IF you had known him better, other than as a shag partner, maybe there would have been other 'thoughtless' examples of his behaviour.

YES his timing was thoughtless , BUT you coming here and complaining does show you were more invested emotionally than you accept otherwise you'd have just shrugged and said. 'Fine, okay' .

But you felt you were owed more.
Consideration, thoughtfulness about your feelings.

Fuck buddies aren't always going to give you that.

Then you’re also seeing it as a relationship of sorts.

there is no way round the fact if this is simply and only sex, nothing more, then it is perfectly fine to say no thanks at any time. It is not bad manners to not say in advance, as that means the sex is only being had as it will continue. That’s not the agreement, and it’s fine to say after, no more, because again, it is just sex/

it is very clear a lot of women going into these arrangements in reality cannot stomach the thought it is just sex, and want to be treated like it’s a relationship.

if you want that, then don’t settle for less. Explain I don’t want dating, but I want you to treat this like we are seeing each other.

He took it to the logical conclusion of what the arrangement meant. He took their arrangement literally.

People saying it was bad manners are just saying he should have maintained a deceitful illusion about what the arrangement really was.

Manners exist for a reason. I've read books on 18th century manners. There were strict rules on how early or late to a party ( literally minutes) before it was rude. But they exist for a reason. Its to make sure you don't arrive before things are ready and get in the way, or to make sure you don't disrupt what is happening by being late.

But if the arrangement is to use each other's bodies for sex, then what is the reason NOT to end it just after sex?

The only reason is to pretend you weren't just using each other for sex.

This man's actions removed the pretence by exposing the arrangement for what it actually was.

If that bothers OP, or you or anyone, all you are saying is that you wanted the illusion to be maintained.

Of course it's a "relationship of sorts".

You don't regularly shag someone and have zero thoughts about them. If you played scrabble with someone once a month it would also be a relationship of sorts and you'd probably be a bit surprised if they suddenly said, "well that's our last!" out of the blue.

I don't know people are so determined to be so black and white about it. It's like casual sex has to be a robotic come-and-go, or else you must have deep feelings.

It's sex as fun together, not transaction or "using" each other.

You're playing with semantics here.

No one is in a relationship with their Scrabble partner, even if they do play once a week or once a month.

You know this, though!

And this is the evidence of it, you can’t say it is just sex and then declare it’s a relationship. Thays not how this works. If you want a relationship, and to be treated like you’re in one, where it’s exlusive, or you feel you are being dumped, that you only have sex on the understanding it will continue, that it needs to end gently and not coldly, then don’t tell the man it’s just sex. As it’s not.

If he had told you @Sleepingbaggage by text or whatever a few days later would that have made you feel better?

Or would you have accused him of 'pretending' the last time you had sex- and leaving you with the expectation he'd be back?

I can't see much difference in the outcome of your feelings.

The only other option he had was to arrange to see you, keep his kit on, and tell you it was over.

Whenever he told you, it would have been after 'one last time'.
I think you'd have been upset at that, because you'd always be wondering if he had decided the 'last time' was the last while you were having sex.

Damned if he'd waited, damned if he'd not.

And, if you'd got to know him in other situations, like who puts the bin out, or how he treats his mum (the usual day to day stuff) you'd have seen how he behaves.

Well put.

I feel sorry for the OP, tbh. I find the whole thing seedy and sad. I know from her own response to his contemptuous dismissal that she wanted to be treated with respect and some sort of compassion or care, but she denied herself that.

And now she's got to see this man at pick up times feeling a bit shit about herself and embarrassed by it all. Before she had a titillating secret, now she's just cast off and forgotten. And yes, she does care.

And that is genuinely sad.

I don't see the big deal. He used you and you used him back. Just get on with it.

Do you struggle with comprehension? Of course it’s a ‘relationship’, just like you have a relationship with your colleague or your neighbour or a regular client or a friend. It’snot a romantic relationship, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have the same requirement of civility, basic manners etc that you’d expect in any relationship.

Bad sexual manners aren’t made less important just because the OP isn’t expecting to settle down together and have a white wedding and babies.

Why so rude? Attacking people. You don’t deserve a response if you can’t be civil.

Friendships and acquaintanceships and any regular interactions you have with people are forms of relationship.

You develop opinions and perceptions of the other person, you have warm, mixed or negative feelings about them. We're human, we think and feel things. Nothing is "just" anything, we're not robots.

Never wrestle with pigs. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.

MRA invasion.

You can argue all you like but 'relationships' in the context of FWB is not the same as being friends with people socially.

I chat to my postman daily but I'm not in a relationship with him.

This is such a great example of all the confused thinking that arises from these FB type arrangements.

On the one hand the insistence that its just physical and we use each other.
The other the insistence that it is a relationship of sorts and expectations of behaviour, coincidentally similar to those in a romantic relationship, abound.

You really don't get to have both. And if you try, don't be surprised if the other person has not understood the confusing and contradictory rules you think apply.

My advice…. DO NOT say a word to him about it.. leave it as it is… if you see him just be mature and say ‘hi’ .. smile and keep walking.
IF/when he decides that actually he’d like another meet up with you simply respond ‘it was good but not THAT good!’….. If he asks in person chuckle afterwards and walk off…. It will be like a kick to his balls! If it’s a text, just literally say that and don’t put anything else as emojis etc soften the message….. then block him immediately so that he can’t even respond 😇
Until then just be pleasant and show him that you don’t care enough to be upset about it.. don’t massage his ego by texting him or acting hurt!

Quite. And the OPs language, repeating the word dumped, being shocked, so many things she has said make it crystal clear that OP was, in fact, hurt and did feel they were in a personal relationship of sorts and not the sort we have with a person who provides any other sort of service.

If she was just using him for sex she might have been a bit surprised but she definitely wouldn't have been shocked enough or upset enough to start this thread.

She felt they were in a relationship of sorts, however casual - but he felt she was a breathing fleshlight to be "dumped" as she puts it at his convenience.

Like any woman scorned she wants a bit of sympathy - but she's insisting she doesn't need it and doesn't care while it's obvious she does care.

He's definitely not coming back, he ended it in such a way it's clear he doesn't even care if he ever speaks to her again. And OP sounds confused, upset and I do feel sorry for her tbh.

This is the problem with non-monogamous relationships.

If you want to go down that route you need to have a set of rules that you both agree to and a set of consequences if either of you break them. Otherwise it's just a fuck-fest with one party losing out.