Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

Meeeoww!

How many more posts do you intend to write simply to put the boot in?

you're being really nasty. Just stop it.

I think a lot of the women on this thread are men.

You did fine.

Don't text him - he knows he did a shitty thing and if you text him pointing that out he isn't going to reply and apologise, I'd wager.

Please do some nice things for yourself and do not fpr a moment think that YOU have done anything wrong. Rising above is self-preservation. In a year (if not less) you will laugh about it.

To use an old fashioned term of phrase it wasn’t very gentlemanly of him was it?

If OP had sex with this man on the understanding they had no feelings for each other, that is was just a physical act, then I don't see how she has any grounds for complaint about how he dumped her. He didn't owe her anything.
It just sounds as though her pride was hurt by the reality of how little he cared about her.

Thinking about it, I suppose he might genuinely not have thought you'd care at all since that's what you signed up for, so perhaps he just didn't think it was a big deal.

But it does seem contemptuous to dump you before he even had a chance to get dressed, I doubt many adult men would behave like that without realising how contemptuous it seems.

A certain type of man looks down on women for behaving in the same way they would so maybe he looks down on you for being a fuck buddy and wanted to treat you with the contempt he's always felt and no longer has to hide as he doesn't want anything from you now.

Or he might have been a bit ashamed to be dumping you, or nervous about your reaction, and acted more aggressively than he normally would to try to mask those feelings - we can sometimes be a bit unpleasant to people we think we may have wronged.

I guess you'll never know, I wouldn't text him to ask as I very much doubt he'll tell the truth, or even respond. It seems clear he doesn't want anything from you anymore and didn't really see you as friends at all, so he has no real reason to communicate.

Are you a man?

Are you a man?

Ive had several FWBs plus one night stands, and this is the first time ive ever heard of "an exclusive FWB". That's called being in a relationship.
It feels like women in "exclusive FWBs" are basically saying "we're together but feel.free to treat me like shit".
If you've got a FWB you need to use condoms.
If you are exclusive with your FWB then you should be expecting more

If you were both using each other for sex then I fail to see why you are so bothered about him ending it 30 seconds after sex?? If there were absolutely no emotions involved and you was using him then why are you so bothered?
You both knew the score.
It does baffle me when people get into these type of arrangements knowing that there are no strings attached and no emotions involved, why they then get upset and surprised when they guy treats them like dirt? If you really are going to get upset over him ending it 30 seconds after sex then maybe it’s better if you stay away from FB type situations. Yes op, it was shit and bad manners of him but to be fair, if you’re going to get involved in these type of situations where you are using someone and you are allowing them to use you, then I wouldn’t expect anything less.

Are people really pretending they can’t see the difference between what he did and a text a couple of days later thanking OP for some great times but saying he wants to move on now?

The OP sounds appropriately upset/annoyed given the nature of the relationship. She doesn’t sound devastated.

The thing is , this “I just wanted sex” doesn’t stand up to scrutiny. If it was the case then arguably there is nothing wrong with him saying politely after I dont wish to do this again. That he has to wait. Or tell her before hand.

and the fact a lot of posters think he does have to wait or say before hand says they also think of this as a relationship. It wasn’t. It was purely transactional. These are the terms the op agreed, it is not disrespectful to say after, no more.

and that’s the fundamental issue with these arrangements, a lot of women argue it’s just sex, and then want to be treated like it’s a relationship. Arguing it’s disrespectful to tell you no more straight after, or that he should have explained before hand he didn’t wish to sleep with her again.

however if she just wanted sex, it was simply transactional, she got what she wanted.

i fully agree it’s much nicer to say in advance or give it some time after, but i also wouldn’t agree something where a man could come round and have sex with me and I told him it was purely physical, and I think some women who agree these transactional physical terms, deep down think in some way it’s a form of relationship or they are seeing each other, even a form of affair.

It is not.

Back in the day we wouldn't be calling this arrangement a fwb we'd be calling it he's knocking her off.
Language is important.
You see now 'fwb' is inserted it implies there is some friendship involved, when there is not.

Invented by a man no doubt. Genius move, brother.

Nope.
Maybe a little older and wiser. I'll go for that.

But why does that bother you OP? That is what you haven't in this whole long thread you have not articulated. And that is the issue. Because you are saying both of these things:

'We use each other for sex and I am totally fine with that. Its what I want.'

'He made me feel used for sex by telling me he won't have sex with me again right after we had sex.'

Its upset you because it made you feel used for sex.

That's it. There is no other explanation for why it has bothered you.

You'd do better to really explore why it bothered you then hide from it and run into another similar set up.

Yes, I prefer the term fuck buddy as it's closer to what such a situation would really be.

But what it really was - from his point of view certainly as he has proven - was that she performed like a living breathing fleshlight and he performed like a man shaped vibrator and he owed her not the tiniest bit of respect, kindness, care or concern.

Unfortunately, that's what she agreed to, and that is what she got.

I also see this disconnect. On one hand tne op is being quite crude and saying it was just sex. On the other hand she’s clearly upset and wanted him to behave like it was a relationship. If it was just sex, it makes absolutely no difference at all when he told her. And telling her straight after is fine. She got what she says she wanted.

except it wasn’t fine. I’m fairly sure he realised when he said it it wasn’t fine. And possibly that’s why he said no more, as she was becoming emotionally involved and he didn’t wish that.

Bottom line is if it is simply a physical act then eithe4 party is free to stop at any time, it is not disrespectful to do so, and they don’t need to say in advance or wait a respectful time after, that’s when you end a relationship. Not a purely physical transaction.

By the way OP, I was 100% clear in my post you responded to like this that I was replying to how the timing upset you. Interesting that you seemed, or pretended, not to understand that.

Everyone on this thread knows you are saying the timing upset you. Those of disagreeing with you are saying the timing should not have upset you if you really were okay with this arrangement being about using each other for sex.

The whole way you have described this arrangement is infused with the language of a relationship, ' afterglow' 'intimate' ' a peck on the cheek at the front door'. And of course, your outrage that he ended it straight after sex.

You said that you entered into this arrangement as you don't have time for a relationship. I think that may be key here. You have not chosen this as you don't want a relationship but because you don't have time for one. Its pretty clear you are not in the emotional or mental space (most people aren't) for such a clinical physical release arrangement of using each other for physical gratification. Your mind is clearly blurring into 'relationship' type thinking, even though you don't want a relationship with this man. You are still framing this arrangement in the similar terms, with similar expectations, as if it were some sort of a relationship. You might be doing this unconsciously, but your mind is still very clearly doing it.

Yes even the term being dumped is the words used in a relationship. and posters being outraged are doing the same, they are behaving like it was a relationship, that they were seeing each other. They were not. It was a purely physical transaction.

the words and the sentiment i’ndicates that for all the ops theory she did feel like she was in a relationship of sorts with this man and wanted to be treated as such, and it’s come as a cold hard shock that he didn’t see it like that, he really did just see it as sex only.

Right. If there were no feelings, no expectation and no desire to be in any sort of relationship from the OP she just wouldn't have cared. It wouldn't have mattered when or how he ended it. I just cannot help feeling that it's all a bit grim.

This!!
If op was using him (like she claims) and he was using her…. And they both got into that situation knowing they were using one another, then why is she so upset about how he treated her? And more to the point, why is she surprised that he treated her as nothing more than a blow up doll that could just be disposed of as easily as a condom or a tissue or left over food?
Why is she upset enough to start a thread when she has allowed him to use her?

To be fair, I rarely have much sympathy for women who let themselves get into situations where they allow men to use them and openly agree with the guy that the guy is allowed to use them and then wonder why they were treated in such a bad way and get upset that the guy didn’t treat them how they would have liked to be treated while pretending that they weren’t expecting any emotional connection.

And yes, as I’ve said it before, it was a bit shit what he did but I can’t see that he’s done anything wrong. They both knew the score and he treated it exactly how it was - emotionless and transactional! Yes he COULD have waited until later that night or he COULD have chosen to not have sex with her but the key word here is ‘could’. He made a decision based on what they had BOTH agreed to - that they were using each other and he had no obligation to treat her any different.
He wanted sex then disposed of her instantly, just like he would have done with a used tissue. But this is what op signed her up for so I’m not sure why she is confused/ upset/ angry or whatever emotion she seems to be feeling 🤷‍♀️

Me too.
Though I suppose it does contain the word 'buddy' but yeah far less misleading all the same. The 'fuck' comes first, after all.