Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

She claims he claimed they would be monogamous. She hasn't even been using condoms.

And yet I’ve had two longterm FWBs and conducted them with the same expectations of mutual respect and good manners as I would any other relationship.

It’s weirdly telling that some posters, with no experience whatsoever of FWBs, appear to think that if you’re not in a romantic relationship, all expectations of decent behaviour are off. Internalised misogyny seems to be strong.

But did they discuss what would happen if one person wanted to end the arrangement and how it would be done ?

Aye. All cool girl about fwb arrangements (not like those sex- hating prudes!) and doing what the menz do up until the point the guy breaks it off then they're like a delicate pass-the-smelling-salts character from a Jane Austen novel bleating on about manners.

(My brain's not up to doing a spoof about this today but I'd love it if a fellow mn-er had a go at it. 😁)

P. S. I bet if she broke it off the guy in this scenario would have taken it in his stride. The vast majority of men would.
Oh well onto the next one...

I agree and I also feel a bit sorry for her as I think it’s understandable. Most women having regular sex with a man start to develop feelings, am emotional connection, and want to be treated like it’s a relationship; look at the people arguing it is a Relationship, playing with semantics, that it’s not just sex.

But the two are mutually exclusive in this context ; if you say just sex, then that’s what it is. And if you don’t want that, you want to feel you’re being treated like a relationship, but without the bells and whistles, then say that. Don’t accept less just to stay involved.

it is clear the op is hurt and upset, it was such a cold ending and she does feel like she was dumped. And I’d caution her to think about that, when she offers the same to the next man, as she says she wishes to get involved in this sort of thing again, that if she actually wants something more. Albeit the not dating thing, she needs to articulate that.

Well, she made it clear that they were just using each other for sex - which comes with zero expectations or rules of course. She should have put some boundaries in place, had a discussion about what the minimum basic respect for one another would like like - though you don't have much sway in an agreement where you're just a fuck buddy.

Do you honestly think those who get into fwb arrangements- people who are by definition not likely to see/disregard all the very obvious ways that they can go wrong have an exit plan?

Yes, I think she really wants to be cool and edgy about it, but she developed feelings like most people would. And I do think she should think twice about pursuing a fuck buddy arrangement again.

I agree.

Even swingers have "rules" !

Spot on. Although hopefully that's just bravado the "on to the next one bit" as she clearly has been hurt by this.

Most women having regular sex with a man start to develop feelings, am emotional connection, and want to be treated like it’s a relationship; look at the people arguing it is a Relationship, playing with semantics, that it’s not just sex

Absolutely this!

Such a confusing and contradictory stance from some posters here.

This is so well put!

Jeez. There really is a trend for calling women who disagree with other women men here, isn't there?
A PP who mentioned this wasn't wrong.

One of my FWBs ‘broke up’ with me because he’d met someone. He phoned me and explained, like a normal human being. I said ‘Thanks for the good times’, also like a normal human being. I’d have liked things to continue, because it suited me and the sex was good, but that was the arrangement — that it only continue as long as it suited us both. (He married that girlfriend.) When I ended things with the other FWB, I also let him know politely. I didn’t shag him, shove him aside and say ‘We’re done here!’ I suspect he’d have liked things to continue, but again, that was our arrangement.

Those are basic FWB manners. It’s not complicated. I’m still in touch with both, years and years on. One came to my wedding.

And obviously sometimes those set-ups don’t work out. Just like romantic relationships and friendships don’t.

And a lot of aggression coming from the ones who want to be seen as cool and edgy.

I don't know why having normal human feelings about sexual partners like most of do is so frightening, unacceptable or enraging to a few determined posters, or admitting the clear and obvious truth that the OP was hurt by being dumped (as she put it) but your post was well put.

I agree, some posters have become incredibly angry and verging on abusive.

it’s perfectly natural to develop feelings for someone your sleeping with, it’s perfectly normal to be hurt when they end it like this.

what’s being pointed out, is the disconnect in the words and the feelings. And it does seem to be making some posters very angry.

But other people who have FWBs describe it as ‘we’re both using each others bodies’. Which doesn’t sound like a particularly caring environment, it’s just about getting off sexually. There’s no friendship (if you’re ‘using’ each other), so expecting the person to care about your feelings is a recipe for disappointment. I have had casual sex, as most of us here probably have at some point, we just see the issues around these arrangements.

OP is not friends with this man. ( unless she is going to come on with some massive drip feed, which would seem odd after 20 pages of people pointing out they are not friends). They seem to have barely known each other before starting the sex arrangement. And it was just sex.

This is nothing like what you are describing. If you kept in touch you clearly did have a relationship outside of the sex. Which may explain your position. I remeber your previous posts and thinking ' but that is nothing like OPs arrangement'. You are not comparing like with like here.

So I repeat. OP can't say ' this is just sex, we just get what we want from each other physically' and then be upset by the manner of the ending which reflected clearly that it was just sex.

And the poster you are replying to is projecting her own experience onto the generalised notion of fuck buddies. The reality is that if you are just using one another for sex, that's all you can expect.

Precisely.

Ugh, spot the misogynist. It's only "lowering yourself" if you didn't really want no-strings sex. If what you want is sex without the hassle of a relationship, then it's getting what you want. Elevating yourself to interacting with men on your own terms, not what others think you should want.
There are plenty of respectful long-term relationships that started out as FB.

The amount of people arguing thay if you agree just sex with a man you’re actually secretly in a relationship with them, it’s just not spoken, are leaving themselves open to the issue the op has dealt with. Where the man takes you at your word, sees it as just sex and behaves accordingly.

there is nothing wrong with what he did; she has said she wanted to have sex with him, she didn’t say it is contingent on you continuing to want to have sex with me. It’s a huge difference, one is no strings. The other has strings.

its ok to be hurt. It’s ok to want more. And it’s Important to learn from this that for her, yes there are strings. And she needs to clearly define what those strings are.

I'd be tempted to text him later and say you've got an STD.

No, we weren’t particularly friends before the sexual arrangement started, and we only met for sex. (Part of the reason I wasn’t looking for a relationship is that I was finishing a PhD while working, and the second FWB was a medical student. Neither of us had much time.) But when you do that regularly for a significant period of time, you obviously talk and get to know things about one another. A friendly relationship developed in both cases.