Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

That's fine if you're a robot.

Further to my earlier post, this is what AI says:

Vasopressin is a key bonding hormone for men, surging during sexual arousal to promote attachment, monogamy, and protective behavior. While levels spike during erection, they often fall immediately after ejaculation. This sharp drop, combined with high testosterone, can temporarily lower the urge to bond, contrasting with the post-sex oxytocin high often felt by women.

Vasopressin in Men After Sex

• Arousal Spike, Quick Drop: Vasopressin levels significantly increase during sexual arousal and erection, aiding in emotional attachment. However, these levels generally return to baseline by the time of ejaculation and do not stay elevated immediately afterward.
• Bonding vs. Reward: While oxytocin is known as the "cuddle hormone," vasopressin is essential for men's emotional investment, driving the desire to protect and commit to a partner.
• Post-Sex Shift: Following sexual activity, if a man is in a new relationship, his vasopressin and dopamine levels may drop, causing a decrease in intense focus on that partner.
• Long-Term Impact: In established, long-term relationships, consistent sexual activity can help maintain higher overall levels of vasopressin, fostering long-term pair bonding and loyalty.
• Reduced Sensitivity: Testosterone in men can sometimes mask the immediate effects of oxytocin, making vasopressin the primary hormone responsible for post-sex attachment in men

The key difference is these levels generally return to baseline by the time of ejaculation and do not stay elevated immediately afterward.

But that's not what the \o is talking about.

the issue I’d have, and it did make me grimace, is the words make it sound like he was doing you a favour by shagging you, as did the timing. It’s quite humiliating.

If its only sex people are after there should be no stigma attached. There are quite a lot of posters who have mentioned it.

I could be wrong here but my take on this is that he'd been mulling this over for some time. He may have been on the verge of telling you for weeks, but wasn't sure what he wanted to do.

I don't believe he arrived at your home ready for sex and certain he was going to end your FWB set up last night.

I think he'd known for some time in his own mind, and was waiting to tell you when the moment 'was right' but on the spur of the moment decided he may as well get it over with NOW.

That wasn't very gallant. But he didn't owe you anything. You didn't date, presumably you didn't go out, it was just sex.

Is this about control on your part? Did you want it to be a mutual decision to part company?

I'm sorry you are angry and that's understandable. But would it have made it any better had he got dressed first, called you later in the day or even a week later?
The outcome would be the same.

He didn't 'use you' any more than you used him- but only he decided he didn't want to carry on.

I'd not contact him because what else could he say?

It comes across if you wanted it to be a mutual decision to stop like the mutual decision to have a FWB set up. I'm sorry you're hurting.

eh?

The people defending him are most likely to be just like him.
Nasty blokes.

Is that what you tell youself?

He said “it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course”

as in last time I do that for you. It’s the sort of thing you say when you’re really not interested;

This has got fuck all with whether women like sex or not.

This is about what I view to be the sheer ridiculousness of somebody in a fwb - which is by definition a no strings attached relationship - getting worked up when indeed it proves to be a no strings attached relationship.

Because while I'm not saying the OP is a ridiculous person, I am saying that she is being ridiculous about this. 100% ridiculous.

She can be as 'miffed' as she likes. Doesn't change the fact that being miffed is in itself totally unreasonable.

Since your last sentence is tres passive aggressive isn't it amazing how some women who are cool girls when it comes to being fwb turn all Jane-fecking-Austen when they get rejected:

'"For sure I thought he was a gentleman."
Lol.

@Sleepingbaggage I’m with @Dryshampoofordays - he is banking on you accepting this quietly. I completely get your point - it’s fine if he wants to end it - not fine to have his cake and eat it! Just shows he’s an arse.

Just for the record, I couldn’t cope with an FWB thing myself, I wish in some ways I could. But I don’t think FWB means manners go out the window and I’m annoyed on your behalf!

Yes it's sex without informed consent. And he knew his behaviour was revolting because he couldn't wait to get away.

Maybe the best way to behave in situations like this is to have an agreement in place before one person wants out?

Like 'If you want to end this at some point, tell me but not just after we've had sex.'

I think most men are hopeless and often cowardly at ending relationships - and this was a relationship, just without being a 'couple'.

They often just go silent, ghost, distance themselves to convey the message, or manage endings badly.

I also agree with other posters who say that when two people are FWB the men is usually focused on the B rather than the 'friends' bit and can walk away far more easily.

The ONLY way to come out of this with a shred of decency is to delete his number and any way of messaging him at all and basically ignore him forever. He has left you in an impossible situation. Treated you like absolute crap in the way he finished it and if you beg in anyway at all for him to give you any further attention you’ll have to pull your kid out of school. I am cringing so hard.

I agree with you on the first bit but not sure how her child would need to change schools.

The evidence very much suggests otherwise

In my experience, when I had a FWB.... personally I didn't want to shag a complete stranger. I certainly didn't want to pay for sex, when I could get it for free?

I've had a 16 year friendship with said FWB. We slept with eachother for probably 1.5yrs of that. Absolutely no issues.

Yes, some people will opt to pay for sex / company. But not everybody needs that.

Are you doing some research for yourself because you seem to be very inquisitive about prostitution.

Or smart, sensible women. Like moi!

I can't believe how anti-FWB PPs have been. For single mums, exclusive FWBs offer:

• (Assuming the man is honest): Exclusive, no STIs, regular sex
• Free sex (WTF at prostitute suggestion)
• Sex with someone you know and trust
• Companionship
• No step father for kids (statistically dangerous inviting new men into the home)
• No complex, blended family stuff
• No sharing resources/homes etc.
• Low expectations from partner, giving lots of free time for personal and family pursuits

I've had a couple of FWB situations and the last one I had a similar ending, although not 30 seconds after sex, just the day after he stayed over and told me how great everything was 🙄 turned out he'd met someone else!

I admit I'm interested in human interaction both emotional & physical.There are so many different views & degrees of acceptability within human nature & this thread sparked my interest & wish to read the replies.

My final thoughts on it regarding the OP are although I feel extremely sorry this man ended the FWB in this heartless way, there is still a feeling that shouts to me play with fire & expect to be burned. This type of behaviour happens within all types of relationships including within marriage. I hate the idea of women being exploited for sex. I suppose as the FWB advocates proclaim they are using each other & in this day & age women can enjoy no strings sex as much as men. Something within me though says men will always be naturally more comfortable with it.

Oh please. This is one of the most pathetic aspects of MN lately. Someone disagrees, ergo male Mner.

The OP wasn't exploited though. She was a consenting adult. She got what she wanted, and he got.what he wanted.

Her whole thread is literally because he turned out to be rude. Nothing wrong with the FWB agreement they had.

Yeah, but he might at least have given her more than 30 seconds to get her breath back!

Yes... that's the rude part I was referencing.