Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

You've got some hurt feelings here. Otherwise you would not be upset when he ended it after sex and would have acknowledged him today when you saw him at the pickup.

And frankly, a no strings sexual relationship can end at any time. It's not usually going to be a long term thing.

I've had casual sexual relationships. When they end, no big deal. We don't ignore each other after, we'll still talk, we know each other, had a few good times, things moved on.

OP, I get it. Lots of women aren't able to enjoy casual sex without feelings and project their own "She must have feelings for him"
onto you. I've been in that situation and it's the timing that's totally off, and also the fact that you'll miss the good sex and physical closeness. Someone dumped me like that too but he did it an hour after sex with a "I've met someone else, I feel awkward and terrible about it and have been feeling a bit confused and I hope we can still be friends". I was fine with that. Doing it while you're still naked seems insulting. Although, maybe it'll make it
a tiny bit easier not to miss the sex so much.

Sorry this happened OP and glad pick-up went ok. I totally get that feeling of having been tricked into something by a crappy guy.

Recognising that your personal shitty day is now becoming a test case for a wider conversation - I completely agree with @borkenboxes I think. There’s something intractable about sex; it’s very hard, I think, to make it fit any human frame (eg friendship, employment, paid services) other than its own, because it carries a lot of weight and intimacy and vulnerability, even if it’s a one night stand. If people aren’t going to get hurt, sex always requires emotional competence, empathy and care, even if you never, ever see each other again. People are constantly trying to get around this by overlaying social frames/rules (FWB, FB, S&M, polygamy) and sex keeps resisting them, because in the end sex only leaves you emotionally happy if everyone involved is being honest, and everyone has exactly the same private definitions of what it means to be treated kindly/empathetically. That stuff is impossible to codify (and some people, men in particular, are highly motivated to lie).

None of which is to say women shouldn’t do whatever they damned well please, and hopefully enjoy themselves while doing it. And god knows I’ve had my heart ripped into pieces in long-running monogamous relationships, so it’s not like those are inherently safe. It’s just that the advocates for looser-strings stuff don’t always seem to recognise that the ‘rules’ are written on water. Sex always comes with the risk of emotional hurt. I guess maybe what some of us are picking up on is a sense in some of these posts that FWB, if done ‘properly’, ‘shouldn’t’ carry that risk - but of course, it does. Because it’s sex.

I've had a few FWB arrangements and I would be furious if any ended like this! I ended one as it just wasn't working for me anymore but I did it before we had sex with us both knowing it was the last time, the others petered out naturally as we met other people. I totally get its the timing that's pissed you off and I agree its totally disrespectful and left you feeling used

I guess you want more of a relationship really. Or alternatively you could use a male prostitute where the boundaries are going to be crystal clear. Hope you find a way to frame how this ended in a constructive light.

I would never speak to him again. I wouldn't text him anything.

If he ever comes knocking for a booty call, kick him in the balls and slam the door

Give yourself a big hug - you did nothing to warrant this callous and sadistic treatment.

He's a misogynistic bastard and probably does this to any woman he meets.
He's seriously messed up.

You deserve someone normal and decent - two things he can never be.

That is vile of him. It is almost like getting you to have sex under false pretences, iyswim.

I get this. It's not about you having any feelings for him. It's about his abrupt and rude manner.

Anyone even half way decent would have told you in a more respectful manner.

That said, if he was half way decent you would have probably fallen for him so not FWB criteria.

To me, FWB only works when you both think you can do better and neither of you would like anyone else to know it's happening!

A male prostitute! Man alive...

But having sex was the whole point of their meeting up. There's no pretence.

I had a boyfriend do this to me. We’d literally just finished, he was still out of breath! I went batshit and booted him out. I discovered a few years later that he got jilted at the alter. I wasn’t sorry.

how did this even start?! Class coffee? Parents evening?!

If he had any decency he should have just told you it was over and not expected sex. What a pig! Good riddance I say.

It seems some how appropriate to me for this to have ended in bed!

Yeah, but he knew full well that if he had told OP "it's run its course" before having sex OP would have very likely not wanted to have sex.

The issue is that he dumped her just after he had shagged her. Bad form. I think the biggest issue is that they stopped using condoms. That is just odd. You can't trust someone who shags you then dumps you so why would you stop using condoms with someone who is a FWB

Particularly as it could be the case that he's been sleeping with other people. Personally I couldn't be bothered with the fuss of it all. Having to get STI tests because you aren't using condoms with someone that then shags you and treats you like shit - and you don't know enough about them to know if he's sleeping with other women at the same time

But it's done now. There's nothing the OP can do except get another test and hope that the next FWB isn't as big a twat as this one

Thats probably all you can say about them

Perhaps that final shag was the final nail in the coffin for him but if it had been spectacular… he would have kept it all going!

I’m really shocked that there are people defending him.

I guess they are just a bit prudish and have an issue with casual sex/FWB.

Just because you’re not in a relationship with someone does not mean that there should be no respect.
Even a stranger in the street I would show a basic level of respect to.
And if you’re having sex then of course there be a level of respect there.

It’s actually really concerning how many people are condoning his behaviour and admitting that they’d be ok with being disrespected.

Good for you for knowing your worth and realising that this was not an appropriate thing to do.

I don't think the timing is that off. They're not dating. He saw her for sex, then said that wouldn't be happening any more.

I agree completely about using condoms. A no strings sex relationship, you can't trust someone to be exclusive. That's what the no strings is. Women need to be proactive and self protective with regards to their sexual health. There are some really nasty STIs out there that are antibiotic resistant.

The whole point of it is no fuss. But you protect yourself and part of that involves STI testing, especially if you're going to indulge in high risk behaviour like going condomless in a casual sexual relationship.

Oh please this is nonsense. It's really weird how women act like all cool girl about fwb arrangements then get hysterical like they're in the Victorian times with all the name-calling when the guy ends it.

He's probably just got his eye on someone who he's really into that's all.
Not his fault OP agreed to be convenient for him.
You know if I were a terrible cynic I'd say that all this fwb guff was a ploy to get a guy to fall in love by playing it cool.
Don't work. Men can have sex with the same woman a hundred times and not fall in love.

(Apologies if you personally are against fwb but those who are for them have said similar things.)

Mumsnet is so odd sometimes. What is wrong with two consenting adults just having sex? Nothing. Bloody hell.

And yes, op, what he did was a dick move - excuse the pun.

Incredibly rude and disrespectful.

If I had a tennis partner who said to me casually after a match, as he was zipping his racquet back in his bag, "this has run its course - we won't be doing this again" I'd feel like a total idiot having merrily played the whole match not realising that he felt that way (even if I'd enjoyed the match!)

There's a difference between "no strings attached" and "no basic decency required".