Just been dumped by FWB 30 seconds after sex!

[Sleepingbaggage]

I honestly don't know whether to laugh at the sheer cheek of this, or cry, or neither because I possibly always had it coming.

I have been seeing a man casually for a year. We are both divorced and we were friendly acquaintances before. We began texting after our DCs were in the same show. The texts got flirtier and eventually sexual. We met for sex, it was great, and we have continued to meet every few weeks for a year.

This morning was one such meeting. It was great as usual but then immediately afterwards, like 30 seconds afterwards, he said that it would probably be the last time as he thinks it's run its course. That was the phrase he used.

I didn't know we were on a course! If we were, I certainly would have expected him to have ended it before shagging me not immediately afterwards. The CFery of that bit.

I didn't really know what to say. He has gone now and I feel a bit shellshocked. I will see him later at pick up and I don't quite know what to say! Oh dear.

I watched a documentary about trafficking and the young women in it were trafficked as prostitutues. They said that the majority of their 'clients' were men with wives. This translates to me as:

Treat a man well = get cheated on and all sorts
Treat a man like crap = get the best of everything :(

This

He’s met someone he cares about, and just had a farewell shag.

Just move on.

I don't see the problem Op. You have a transactional sexual relationship. He decided it has run its course from his side. A decision you would probably have made yoursef at some point. So he told you f2f. How would you have felt if he text you on his way home after seeing you?

Being in a relationship absolutely doesn’t mean the person values the other person otherwise cheating, coercive control financial abuse wouldn’t be such common phenomenon.

They may not become besties but its undeniable there are men who do consider their no strings attached escorts as friends & they do pay them for sex.

How can he care about her if he's just had sex with someone else?!

Escort work has "strings attached" - money. Punters may like to think the prostitute likes him, but she may not like him any more than a waiter smiling at customers.

It's disingenuous to conflate casual sex with prostitution.

He clearly doesn't.

But they were not in a relationship. That's the point. They were two people who knew each other slightly and agreed to met for meaningless, transactional sex every few weeks.

But the fact that you have written this, and others talking about how hurt the OP must feel, shows that they too can see that OP has reacted as she has, as she did have an emotional connection/ emotional experience of the sex on some level, and had assumed it was reciprocated. And is hurt that the blunt ending showed that it was not.

In meaningless, transactional sex, each encounter is closed loop. It starts and ends with the physical sex with no expectation of anything after it. Why would it matter that he dumped her afterwards? The physical act was the whole and only point and had finished. There was no meaning attached to it, and now the act had finished.
If you don't like what meaningless, transactional sex means, then don't have it.

If you are going to have it, don't complain when someone acts out what it actually means, as this man has.

I'm sorry but I have seen so many times people entering into these type of 'alternative' set ups and then being hurt and confused with how they play out, even though entirely consistently within the terms of the agreement.

Its a bit of a buyer beware situation. Stop and think about what these type of arrangements actually mean before entering into them.

Meaningless sex is not something everyone can do with a regular partner and people can end up hurt.

Not just any old relationship.

A relationship where you fell in love at the beginning

One where both develop or have the skills to openly share all information that the other person would find important and hear their point of view without losing the plot (even when it's very different from yours)

Where both communicate using Send-Mirror-Check-Pull

Where each person recognises their Clinging or Avoiding tendencies.

Where the Clinger knows how and when to healthily give space and the Avoider knows how to ask for it.

Where each person has investigated their own childhood traumas and maladaptive coping mechanisms and learnt new self soothing techniques.

Where each person has Boundary Skills and can observe their partner"s upset and not take it on as theirs but help their partner with it.

That kind of relationship. A committed one.

Obviously OP was not in one. No judgment from me. But that was thhe kind of relationship I meant.

It's possible he's been banging someone else and the OP and him haven't been using protection. (Condoms anyway). Best case scenario is that he hasn't and he's just met someone else he wants to have a FWB or a relationship with

These men are delusional. I knew a man who actually thought the women at pole dance club were his friends.

You don't have to pay your friends to spend time with you.

But the 'escorts' do NOT consider the punters to be their friends. Typically they view their 'clients' with revulsion and contempt.

Punters are men who believe consent to sex can be bought. That it is acceptable to rent women's bodies by the hour to use/abuse for sex. But of course, if the women truly desired them and the sex act, money would be wholly unnecessary. But the money is essential, because the sex is unwanted. The prostitute just wants to be paid and for the punter to go. Everything else is grimly and miserably endured.

Pretending that they don't despise and aren't disgusted by these men is a further vile part of prostitution.

I attended a function where one wealthy man was there with his regular escort & she was also a good friend. It was only later I found out the situation between them & I would never have guessed. Apparently he had others all providing mutually agreed friendship & sex. The only difference was they were getting paid.

All he needed to say before sex was “OP, I think things have run their course and don’t want to continue after this. Do you still want to have sex today?” Then OP could have said “thanks for letting me know but no, I definitely don’t want to sleep with you now!” Problem solved. OP has already explained she’s not overly upset a casual relationship has ended, it’s the fact he waited until after she’d had sex with him to tell her!!

This.

It was FWB he saw you as someone to have sex with and had sex then announced probably last time. He doesn't see you as important. He could have just left and not bothered to say anything. Might have someone he wants to have a relationship with lined up. Transactional sex. It means nothing so he appears to have treated it as nothing.

Forget him. Move on.

Yes. This part is a bit stinky. He's not a Keeper. Oh well. Lesson learned.

I am sorry you are feeling upset OP.
This situation demonstrates the disadvantages of FWB.
Impossible (Imo) for their not to be some sort of emotional attachment by most women.
And the reason I couldn't do it.
No criticism of those who do.
Take care OP. Treat yourself to something special

Fix a Negroni and take it in good grace.

He has found someone else.

But why is that necessary? It’s meaningless sex for its own sake. Why would OP have refused sex?

The only way what you are saying makes sense is if it’s not emotion free meaningless sex after all.

What if he had just had sex with the Op and thought 'you know what, this isn't working for me anymore'. So he told her.

There's something really, really nasty and devious about this. He knows full well you probably wouldn't have consented to sex if he'd said beforehand. What a prick.

100% this.