Partner lies about achievements and skills, unsure if relationship can work

[ThisCollie]

My partner and I have been together a year, both divorced, he has one adult child, I have two late teens.

I am a bit concerned about him. He lies stupendously to the point where I think "you must know I know you are lying?"

The lies aren't hiding anything it seems, more as though he wants me to be highly impressed by him. So he lies about his skills, things like he can speak fluent Japanese, he is a champion chess player, he is friends with some impressive famous people, he has a 160 IQ – all false.

I would rather he just told the truth – or rather just not lie about his skills?! It is not as though I ONLY date Japanese speaking chess players.

if ever I call him out, he retreats and hides away, which is sad to see. I also happen to know (of course, if it is true, who knows) that he had a very violent upbringing and he seems deep down to have very low self esteem, so I suppose this could be why.

Having said that he also seems very proud of himself...!

How do I deal with these lies, or is this a
game changer? I really like his personality, he is a real can do person and is so lovely to me. But this lying is strange to me.

Fwiw, he is definitely divorced – I have met his ex wife and her new partner.

This is not your problem to fix, and trying will drive you mad. Bin

I wouldn’t bother trying to deal with this, it would be a dealbreaker for me. I suspect it would take considerable amounts of therapy to get to the bottom of why someone lies like this but will he put in the work? Does he even acknowledge he does it? My ex DP occasionally lied for no apparent reason, not usually whoppers but enough to make me call him out on it and it makes you end up always doubting them and bracing for the lies.

Is he aware he’s lying? And does he lie to others in the same way?

I think he needs to explore the reasons behind why he feels the need to and work on himself.

This will drive you insane long term.

Stop making excuses for him. He’s a bare faced liar and this will be the tip of this iceberg. He’s got big issues that he needs to realise and fix himself, not worth your effort as you can’t do it for him. I wouldn’t get involved

Lies for any reason - including past trauma - cannot work at all if you are a person who values honesty, trust and emotional safety in a relationship.

You can sign post him to help / advise him to seek therapy etc but you cannot take this on as some sort of project as it is not your responsibility.

Once you point out these discrepancies to him, tell him
that you require honesty (assuming you do) then you need to leave him to work on it.

You are not a rehabilitation centre for damaged men.

Sorry but, how low is your bar that you met this guy, noticed he told fantastical lies and you thought, “Can’t wait for the next date.”
How do you get to being with him for a year? Chuck this one back. He’ll exhaust you. And he sounds stupid.

I couldn't find someone like this attractive and I wouldn't stick around to help fix it either.

Have you tried the taking the mild
humour approach, that is just laughing at him and saying “well just as well I was holding out for a Japanese speaking chess master!” so he knows you know it’s not true?

I knew someone like this and they were fixed by their new partner who basically never let it slip.

Reminds me of the guy who told be he was training to be a pilot but was actually a dispatcher (which is actually quite an impressive job and highly skilled so I'm not sure why he needed to lie!).

Or the police officer who told me he was a sergeant when I knew (and he knew I knew) that he was a probationer still.

Both were binned straight away. White lies often lead to big lies or unearthing trauma. I'm not a therapist and it's not my job to fix people.

You shouldn't want to either.

Call him Walter Mitty and see what he says. And dump.

Absolute dealbreaker!

How can he lie about speaking a foreign language by the way? It must be very clear quikly if you can't? Or was that just an example?
Anyway lies are always a no go, better someone honest with less skills.

Run for the hills. He's a fantasist. He's a persistent liar and is clearly dishonest. What else is he lying about? I really couldn't be around anyone who is dishonest, even in occasional/small ways, so someone who is a habitual/perpetual liar is a massive great no!

I don't think he realises that exaggerating whay he can do to this point is lying. And he does lie to other people. He told one person he played in a famous band once and got caught when he forgot what songs he played

I think my problem was I naively believed him at first! Who lies about speaking a language or playing chess? It is so unnecessary. Catching him put came later on...

I think you are all right, this is too big a problem for a partner, he needs therapy

Shifting sand is not a foundation for a good relationship.

So he didn't retreat when challenged?

OP this would be exhausting to deal with. One gets to a point where there is no point speaking to someone who lies so much.

He can speak a few phrases. I can't speak any. My sister pointed out he didn't understand when she spoke to him and she only speaks conversational japanese. This is how this lie got started –I told him my s9ster was in Japan.

I'm feeling very stupid 😕

I couldn’t be arsed with all that nonsense OP. I’m intrigued to know why he feels the need to tell such whoppers, bizarre behaviour.
I can’t trust people who lie, he’d have to go.

Oh god...
He does claim he can fly a plane 🙈

He's clearly doing it due to low self-esteem vs a desire to deceive you and run off with your savings. It does sound pretty exhausting for him to keep track of his lies and you to listen to them. You'll likely get to a point where you don't believe a word he says sadly. I'd have a heart to heart and let him know he's fine as he is without being a grand master / pilot, see if he can at least admit he's lying and why. If not, you have no real option than to bin him off.

On the plus side at least, you'll get some entertaining stories out of it.

Which type? Wait… all of them! 😂
Sorry OP, you’re in the fog of it at the moment but it will be funny in a few months once you’re out of it. But really, this just isn’t the guy to get serious with. Everyone behind your back will be sniggering when you leave a dinner party because they all know he is full of shit. Your adult kids will be rolling their eyes and might not want to visit much if they can’t be bothered listening to his fantasies. It’s just not worth all the risks being with a liar brings, because alienating you from
your family is a big thing that can happen if they can’t stand his nonsense.

That is so funny. Is he also the oracle.

How are you not scared? Or at least icked out

the guy’s nuts - zero grip on reality. He sounds utterly dangerous