Partner lies about achievements and skills, unsure if relationship can work

[ThisCollie]

My partner and I have been together a year, both divorced, he has one adult child, I have two late teens.

I am a bit concerned about him. He lies stupendously to the point where I think "you must know I know you are lying?"

The lies aren't hiding anything it seems, more as though he wants me to be highly impressed by him. So he lies about his skills, things like he can speak fluent Japanese, he is a champion chess player, he is friends with some impressive famous people, he has a 160 IQ – all false.

I would rather he just told the truth – or rather just not lie about his skills?! It is not as though I ONLY date Japanese speaking chess players.

if ever I call him out, he retreats and hides away, which is sad to see. I also happen to know (of course, if it is true, who knows) that he had a very violent upbringing and he seems deep down to have very low self esteem, so I suppose this could be why.

Having said that he also seems very proud of himself...!

How do I deal with these lies, or is this a
game changer? I really like his personality, he is a real can do person and is so lovely to me. But this lying is strange to me.

Fwiw, he is definitely divorced – I have met his ex wife and her new partner.

He could benefit from therapy if he proactively admitted he has a problem and showed commitment to therapy and to making changes. He's currently ruining his new relationship with massive lies, so there's nothing to suggest that's where he's at. If OP challenges him and he defends/deflects, it's a waste of time, but I wouldn't bother.

I agree with this. Personally i was embarrassed by my compulsive need to lie all the time and genuinely wanted to heal and just feel normal.

OPs husband of course has to want to change. I stated at the start of my comment that if he refuses therapy and doesnt acknowledge his issues, then it is imperative she moves on. It will ultimately make her life as miserable as his if not.

I don’t understand. He LIES. Yet you are still with him? He lies. You end it. Find someone who doesn’t lie or stay single. It’s not rocket science.

This.

Lies are my biggest deal breaker and I couldn’t listen to this fruitcake without laughing out loud.

No sorry OP. What he's doing is just bonkers.

You have to consider that you don't know him as well as you thought you did, and this strong habit of lying could be an indication of more to come. Also, don't be so quick to be flattered by his attempts to impress you. I think some men lie like this because they think women are so stupid or bird brained that they'll fall for any nonsense.

You must ask him his chess grade, all players have one, and if he's not a GM is he a FM or an IM?

Get rid. No such thing as a healthy relationship with a compulsive liar.

Why would that make him fess up though? I got an A in higher French, can’t speak a word of it now as an adult. Would you think I was lying about taking higher French?

Thats the easiest one to explain away… I don’t remember how to speak French.

The liar friend I talked about also lied about languages. One language she spoke (with no lessons or apparent learning) was Spanish. I remember being in the tube and her trying to have a conversation with a Spanish stranger in cod Spanish. It was excruciating but made me realise on some level, she actually believed it 😭 or at least thought she could blag her way through absolutely every challenge

I’m pretty tolerant but I couldn’t abide such compulsive lying. It would kill any attraction stone dead.

He’s obviously doing it to make himself feel more important or accomplished. It’s quite sad really.

But clearly you need to dump him.

I went out with a man a bit like this. He grew up in a very strict household so had this fear of ‘getting into trouble’. If he perceived he might ‘get into trouble’ he’d make up these bizarre stories…like one time we were late meeting his mum for lunch and instead of just saying ‘we lost track of time’ (like a normal person) he told her we’d witnessed an accident and had jumped out to help the people involved. He even described the ‘injuries’ of one of the people! He’d also routinely lie about the weirdest stuff - if he had sausages for breakfast, he’d tell you had porridge or some other pointless thing. When I finally confronted him about it, he told me it had stemmed from SA he’d experienced as a child. I later found out from his mum (long after we’d split) that it was highly unlikely SA had occurred (she knew this because his story on the issue had changed repeatedly).

My guess with my ex is that it was some kind of personality disorder but bottom
line, you can’t trust a liar. And without trust, there’s no relationship.

I was 17 and he was 18 so he had (in theory) just done the a level. He had also mentioned it a lot and he later said it was him trying to impress me because I failed French (horrifically) but had always wanted to go to France. He had basically implied he was fluent or fluentish.

To add, because I had a guy tell me he was a grandmaster: once a grandmaster, always a grandmaster. The accolade doesn’t lapse after a certain time. There will be a list!

If he’s not claiming to be a GM etc, at least ask his FIDE score.

I've known a couple of people like this. One was an insecure friend of mine when we were at school together. We're still friends but rarely see each other which is just as well, as her FB page is full of constant drama and not very subtly-veiled digs at whoever she's recently fallen out with.

The other was an ex. After we broke up, I realised that I was probably his bit on the side. Never again!

I have met a few men in my time who are compulsive bullshitters. It's almost like it's a psychological disorder - it sounds strange but it's like it is the truth to them in that moment and even if called out on stuff they don't waiver.

Yet often they are genuinely nice helpful and kind people. Not people I could ever be friends with as they would drive me mad but people who had partners and children who loved them regardless.

If your partner is one of those, I think it's down to whether you are one of the people it would drive mad in the end, or one who would look past/ignore the silly bullshitting in return for other good characteristics.

I don't think talking to him about it and trying to get him to stop it is going to work.

What a plonker. Why on earth would you pretend you speak fluent Japanese? 🤣

That sort of pathological, compulsive lying very often goes hand in hand with wider personality disorders.

I guarantee you the lies will not be the only weird and unhealthy thing about him. You'd be mad to stay with him, honestly.

I think we all know, or have come across someone similar to your boyfriend. This put me in mind of an acquaintance who worked on a very precarious, part-time basis in a prestigious university, and the first piece of information he gave out to anyone who might believe, or not see through his bullshit, was that he had published a total of eight books in his field. These eight books, never actually named or shown to me or anyone else, were constantly dragged into any conversation he held, and were a total fiction themselves of course, as a brief look at the library catalogue bore out. Something tells me he never managed to get himself a permanent job as a university lecturer, and of course you couldn't have formed any stable relationship with someone so desperately insecure and with such a minimal grip on reality.

Another acquaintance I know is a lovely person, but she lies and lies in the same way about how much she's actually done in her career, namedropping senior or famous people, great intimate friends of course - it is just absolutely pathetic, and if your boyfriend can't be made to see or understand that, then don't let him waste any more of your time and energy than he has done for a whole year of your life.

Niall Horan?

Definitely end it. He’s emotionally manipulative as well as a liar.

I'd let him go. One of my friends is lumbered with a liar. He claimed to earn a fortune, had 2 good degrees, owned a huge house, he was worth a million. None of it was true. He is unemployed, feckless, a gambler, a porn addict and a spendthrift who resents he hasn't got more. Meanwhile she worked two jobs.

A friend’s partner is like this. I have little to do with him because of it and he’s really devious with it as well. Constantly cheating along with the delusional lies. It’s quite scary when you call him out on them- they’ll be really obvious and easily disproved- it’s like he glitches. Doesn’t register that you’re telling him to his face that you know he’s bullshitting. Goes blank then moves the conversation on. You say, ‘hold on a sec, I was just saying insert massive lie here is categorically not true because insert reason here and he just raises an eyebrow and carries on. He wants everyone to think he’s really impressive, but none of his lies are even believable :/
He once sent me a long message on FB in my mother tongue but he had clearly ran the message in English through a free (rubbish) translation app because it was a literal translation which would make no sense to anyone even slightly fluent in that language and full of other errors. Strange guy. Once lied about having been away on holiday but we had seen him in Tesco a couple of days before and no holiday snaps ever materialised. Always lying that such-and-such a person is jealous of him when that person would never have any reason to be jealous of him.
My friend gets a lot of exchanged looks and ‘why is she with him’s because he’s the same if not much worse with her but it doesn’t put her off him. He’s also unpleasant about everyone he thinks has a happy family or decent job because he’s got such a big chip on his shoulder. As a result people tend to back away when in group situations, or laugh at them both.

Don’t tell me, he was in Oasis and moved aside to let Bonehead back for the tour

good idea - other options might be being selected by the SAS or joining the Foreign Legion. That’s what random blokes in the pub always say they’ve been doing (fools).

Just say 'being honest is the most attractive characteristic a person can have. Not 'celebrity mates' and 'genius IQs'. You've no need to lie. It just makes you seem untrustworthy or like a fantasist'.

He has to know that's how it makes him look so you can't sugar coat it.

The OP is not his therapist. She is not his wife of many decades. She is not a blood relative. She is not responsible for supporting him, or to be by his side helping him to 'get through' this healing journey. Her role is not to fix him.

Women are not rehab centres for men. No woman should martyr herself at the feet of a problematic man in the hope that she can help him become a nice person.

Genuine nice guys would know they had a serious problem with the constant lying, would accept it was seriously affecting their life and relationships with others, and they would seek help of their own accord. He is not doing that. Quite the reverse, in fact. He is accusing people who challenge his lies of not trusting him, and not being on his side.

Yes, he needs fixing. But the desire to be fixed needs to come from within him, it cannot be imposed on him by the OP or anyone else.