Partner lies about achievements and skills, unsure if relationship can work

[ThisCollie]

My partner and I have been together a year, both divorced, he has one adult child, I have two late teens.

I am a bit concerned about him. He lies stupendously to the point where I think "you must know I know you are lying?"

The lies aren't hiding anything it seems, more as though he wants me to be highly impressed by him. So he lies about his skills, things like he can speak fluent Japanese, he is a champion chess player, he is friends with some impressive famous people, he has a 160 IQ – all false.

I would rather he just told the truth – or rather just not lie about his skills?! It is not as though I ONLY date Japanese speaking chess players.

if ever I call him out, he retreats and hides away, which is sad to see. I also happen to know (of course, if it is true, who knows) that he had a very violent upbringing and he seems deep down to have very low self esteem, so I suppose this could be why.

Having said that he also seems very proud of himself...!

How do I deal with these lies, or is this a
game changer? I really like his personality, he is a real can do person and is so lovely to me. But this lying is strange to me.

Fwiw, he is definitely divorced – I have met his ex wife and her new partner.

I have some experience of this as a friend used to behave this way. From when we were young teenagers until our early twenties. At the time I found it very difficult to understand as the lies could be about anything, things that had no relevance whatsoever, I couldn’t see the point. However looking back as an adult I have a very different perspective. It didn’t come from a place of malice or wanting to deceive, it was seeking attention, affirmation and wanting to feel listened to. They also did not have a safe home environment. They overcame this in time with the support of their family and therapy. If anything looking back I feel bad about not understanding and being impatient and intolerant. I think young people see things much more black and white. It’s a tricky situation for you OP and I think it completely depends on how much you like this man. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong decision, I hope you find a resolution either way. 🙏

Sounds terrible, like he can't help himself. He's got so used to lying he probably isn't aware he is doing it.

I had a boyfriend in my teens who was a bit like that. He exaggerated constantly about what he could do and what he had paid for stuff. (He had a ghetto blaster thing he told me had cost £700 but I saw it in the Argos catalogue for £50.) He was desperate to join the army but got rejected twice. He would wear his cadets uniform around town and tell people he was in the army and on patrol. I think he had massive self esteem issues as he'd been adopted after abuse/removalfrom his birth family and was also quite dim. Wonder what happened to him.

How on earth have you stood a year of this OP? Is it because of the sob backstory childhood, that might not ever have happened?

I cut a friend off once because she lied. Unnecessary and avoidable lies too that there were no need for. Things I knew weren't true or I had been there and saw what happened and it wasn't what she said. It was horrible- no conversation had any meaning anymore and I constantly doubted what she told me. Even big things like her mum having cancer. One night I spoke to her boyfriend and he said "yes! she does lie!" Like he was delighted to have his doubts confirmed. And once confirmed for me I just cut her off.

I work with a man who sounds exactly like this. Is his name James by any chance?

Speaking from experience, this will only become a bigger problem over time. Save yourself now.

I’ve known a couple of people like this and I absolutely couldn’t live with it, but I hate deception of any kind (except perhaps to spare someone’s feelings). They used to lie about the most ridiculous things, it was just absolutely pathetic. No thank you, I couldn’t respect someone who did that and it would start showing pretty quickly.

That sort of pathological, compulsive lying very often goes hand in hand with wider personality disorders.

I guarantee you the lies will not be the only weird and unhealthy thing about him. You'd be mad to stay with him, honestly.

I also happen to know (of course, if it is true, who knows) that he had a very violent upbringing

The fact that you're having to question in your own mind whether every single thing he says is true or not is a good indication of why you should end the relationship. You deserve better than to be constantly uncertain and uneasy about everything your partner says, including very serious things like this. It's so stressful.

(You might be able to tell that I've been in a not dissimilar situation with an ex-partner. He was full of ego and very charismatic, but deep down he was extremely insecure and couldn't admit it. He was a shocker of a liar - inflated claims about his achievements, stories of heroics that were clearly untrue etc. And incredibly, he was furiously offended if you called him a liar. Even when you could literally prove he was lying.)

Edit: Actually, my ex also claimed to have had a violent upbringing... please tell me this bloke's initials aren't DC... 🤔

We’ve got someone like that in our friendship group - the male partner of a long term female friend. They’ve been together for about 18 months now.

It’s got to the point where we have stopped inviting them as a couple along to lots of things, because the guy is a prick and we are all cringing for our female friend, who must know all of his stories and claims are utter bollocks, but seems to go along with it.

Incidentally he’s also been in a car crash when he was younger and broke every bone in his body. He’s saved literally countless people’s lives in random acts of heroism. He can also fly a plane, can play every musical instrument under the sun to world class levels, except any instrument that happens to be to hand at that particular time. He’s owned every super car you can think of, but currently drives around in a Renault Duster, BUT he’s on the waiting list for a brand new Lamborghini.

Its a shame for our friend but our group has got to the point where we just can’t stand the guy.

Good for you, OP. Throw Walter Mitty back and find someone who isn’t a pathetically inept compulsive fantasist.

This is so obviously a sign of some deep seated personality disorder stemming from a very poor sense of self. Why would you jump on this ship with a giant waving red flag on top of it?! Do yourself a favour and find someone comfortable in their own skin and kind.

To summarise succinctly :

Partner lies.

Fullstop.

File him in B1N

Oh for heavens sake why are you persisting? You can't trust anything he says at all. Isn't that exhausting?

I have a colleague who lies about everything. It's utter madness. She lies to make herself look good, to cover up stuff she hasn't done, to land other people in the shitter, because it's wednesday. Her lies are outrageous and I wonder with all my soul how her husband and her kids can stand it. It's such a fundamental personality flaw that can never be anything but damaging. He will destroy your trust, your faith in people, your self esteem, he will destroy all of your relationships as other people realise he can't be trusted and you are okay with that. You want your kids around that? Really?

Oh- and you may not know it now, but he will be lying ABOUT you to others also.

When confronted he HIDES? Is he 3 years old? Fuck me! You have to ASK what you should do? Jeez 🙄😳

His initials are NH. South of England, can't really say much more.

Yeah he does hide! He also throws it back at the challenger... "why do you not trust me? I thought we were friends! How do I know you are on my side?" Etc etc.

It is exhausting as many people say.

Oh that is a very good point

I had an ex who lied about having a French A level and didn’t fess up till we were on the Eurostar to Paris… we did stay together for a bit and we didn’t break up because of lying, it was just something that kind of spiralled and it got to the point where he couldn’t find the right time to fess up. Stuff like that I can semi understand, but this guy sounds fucking deranged and there’s something deeply and fundamentally wrong with him… you need to dump him.

Yes, so unless you dump him now, be prepared for knowing references to your past life as a brothel madam/ wildlife ranger in Alaska/ municipal grave digger, or surprise among his friends that you aren’t fluent in Arabic/ an operatic soprano/the inventor of Post-Its.

Tell him you've been selected for the international space programme and will be moving to Texas next week, so sadly have to call time on the relationship.

I was once friends with a lying nutcase like this and honestly the lies were told in real time and things changed in a matter of minutes if you said something she preferred actually made her situation sound better. She is a very dangerous person and was lying about me, she cant help it she has to lie to make herself feel superior thinking she has gotten one over you. I feel sad for the old trout and her following of one but her bestie also has a bad reputation for bitching and gossiping so the liar will tell the lie to the gossip who spreads it. Your bloke will be lying about you as much as to you. Run now while you can.

Bin him.

I'm dying to know which band he says he was in.
Dire Straits?
The Vapours? (turning Japanese)
The Libertines but Carl Barat stole his place in the band so he left. ?
One of Taylor Swift's songs... you know that one... is about him apparently.

I think you should organise a Karaoke session before you wave goodbye.

He was the invisible member of Take That. He wrote all the songs. Gary Barlow can't even play piano and he's tone deaf.

He needs some serious therapy OP. If hes a wonderful man who is good to you, I would suggest seeing if hes open to working on these issues before leaving. Of course, if he won't, then you must prioritise yourself and move onto finding someone with a healthy mindset.

I used to be like this as a child, and can guarantee from his upbringing, that that is the cause. I grew up in a violent, abusive and neglectful household. From as far back as I can remember I always felt extremely unimportant and insignificant, as there was always so many 'real problems' going on that i wasnt even allowed to be a child.

This caused me to make up stories and lies that carried on for some time. The police were involved one time because I made up that an adult pushed me over in a supermarket. I feel so awful about it to this day. Nothing ever come of it, because I was lying, but still feel so guilty. I did this because I got no attention and desperately craved for someone to care about me. It was my thought as a child at the time that if people thought I was in danger or hurt, they might actually care. I went to therapy as a young adult. It took a while but it really helped and havent had the lying affliction since understanding why I was doing it and why I didnt need to do it anymore.

Your partner grew up in a violent and abusive household. You must be sympathetic to that, it is not something to take lightly. Especially if he is of an older age, it is likely he never was encouraged to talk about it etc. I imagine his propensity to make up these lies about how grand he is comes from a childhood survival mechanism, i.e. if he was really impressive and smart to his parents, his child self belief would be that they would be nice to him and proud of him and shower him in praise rather than abuse for a change.

He clearly hasn't worked through it and needs to. He has that instilled fear into him that those who matter to him will only value him so far as he can be impressive and serve them in some way. It is no way to live and he needs help and support. This is what people mean when they say dysfunctional households and dysfunctional relatuionships with parents cause an individual to go on to develop dysfunctional relationships in adulthood.

Please raise this to him in whichever way you see fit, tell him you are there and support him, and will be by his side throughout his journey to heal. Your relationship will only grow stronger. Please do consider doing this before 'binning' him as some other pps have suggested. He sounds like a genuine, nice guy and they are hard to come by these days.

Apparently such people don’t really benefit from therapy. You have to go into therapy with an open mind acknowledging you may need to change. It’s hard work and people who compulsively lie everytime life gets hard aren’t going to be able to do that