Partner lies about achievements and skills, unsure if relationship can work

[ThisCollie]

My partner and I have been together a year, both divorced, he has one adult child, I have two late teens.

I am a bit concerned about him. He lies stupendously to the point where I think "you must know I know you are lying?"

The lies aren't hiding anything it seems, more as though he wants me to be highly impressed by him. So he lies about his skills, things like he can speak fluent Japanese, he is a champion chess player, he is friends with some impressive famous people, he has a 160 IQ – all false.

I would rather he just told the truth – or rather just not lie about his skills?! It is not as though I ONLY date Japanese speaking chess players.

if ever I call him out, he retreats and hides away, which is sad to see. I also happen to know (of course, if it is true, who knows) that he had a very violent upbringing and he seems deep down to have very low self esteem, so I suppose this could be why.

Having said that he also seems very proud of himself...!

How do I deal with these lies, or is this a
game changer? I really like his personality, he is a real can do person and is so lovely to me. But this lying is strange to me.

Fwiw, he is definitely divorced – I have met his ex wife and her new partner.

Reading this back he comes across as a madman and I look like an utterly naive doofus 😂

I am laughing already. Don't think it will.take me long to get over this one.

He’s inadequate, but his way of coping is to lie constantly. How can you cope with that?

Definitely bin. You aren’t a doofus, when you have had family, friends etc who are open and honest then it is hard to process you’ve met someone who operates differently,

OP- I had a friend for a very long time who is like this. She lied about all her skills, but was still pretty successful in her own way. However the lies had been coming since I’d met her at 13.all the school parents knew about the prodigy who played 26 instruments and spoke 3 languages. None of it was true. I don’t know why she did it and personally I was very fond of her and accepting the lying as a coping method for deep rooted lack of confidence and discomfort.

she is married although I don’t know what her husband thinks about the lying. I know in a previous relationship it was considered a big problem for him.

Liars cant ever be trusted. I learnt that the hard way.

I would find this deeply unattractive and wonder if he was lying to me. How embarrassing! He’s going to do this in front of other people while you’re there, so you’re going to look a bit silly too and possibly lose respect. I wouldn’t be risking this.

Yeah, definitely get rid.

of course, if it is true, who knows

This would become your whole life.

Even really banal conversations such as, "Did you like X restaurant?" would become impossible conversations because you'd just never know if he was telling the truth. Then you'd find yourself stopping yourself from asking him a question because what's the point if the answer is likely to be a lie?

Because it won't just be these things he lies about, it'll be everything.

lol he is is a grown man?
how embarrassing for him?

I was in a situationship with someone who lied about random stuff, including some big cringey clankers like yours. I brushed it off for a long time, but when it came down to it I could never have really trusted him in an actual relationship

How would you ever know what else he lied about?

Run for the hills.

He’s a liar. So what if he has low self esteem. So what if he’s nice in other ways. He is happy to lie and too thick to think he may be caught/or maybe he thinks the people around him are to thick to realise (fluent Japanese, band member, pilot).

Examine why you didn’t dump him after the first mythical tale, that is all you need to analyse - don’t waste your time analysing this liar.

You really don’t want to be dating a guy that thins lying is okay or a guy with low self esteem who wants to impress people (these chaps are prone to cheating as they ate okay with lying and need smoke up the butt).

There was a thread on here a couple weeks ago from a mumsnetter who was tearing her hair out due to her husband’s constant lies. She said it was literally everyday and even thinks like saying he had fish and chips for lunch when he’d actually had a sandwich… totally pointless lies for no reason but it meant she couldn’t even have everyday chit chat with her own husband because every word out of his mouth was a lie and she found it really upsetting.

I don’t think it started that way, probably started with your man’s style but then just got to the point were he didn’t know how to just tell the truth about anything.

Why do people behave like that?

Thankyou OP for making me smile. I needed to.

God I was with someone like this for 5 months. He lied that he was Irish and put on an Irish accent. He wasn’t Irish. He told me that he was in a car crash when he was younger and “broke every bone in his body” no he didn’t. He said he didn’t have a mum, I met her. his brothers absolutely hated him. I went round to his house and it was a shit hole and would lie and say he’s cleaned it, nope. I dumped him and he told all of our friends I had a mental breakdown!! Absolutely bin this man off. They do it to “impress you” but they’re just knobs.

It gets to the point where if they say it’s raining you look out of the window to check, it’s exhausting.

@Itsmetheflamingo sounds horribly sexist but I didn’t realise there were women like it too! Every one I’ve met has been male.

actually there’s one in my game alliance at the moment. As usual it’s military service based. Oh and plane flying. Does seem that men think that being able fly a plane is a real turn on!

ive always assumed they got a bit stuck, mentally, at school level when everyone wants to impress in some way

Is his name Jeff and did you meet him in Benidorm? The oracle comes to mind

He sounds like a project, not a partner.

Yes. This.

I knew someone like this in my early twenties.. The lies were impressive but other people used to laugh at them, which made me question everything they said... eventually once this person got used to people, they didn't even put any "work" into them and the lies became so glaringly obvious, that its almost an insult to your intelligence that they even think they could fool you in this way.
I never saw this person look so pleased as well they'd told a successful lie. It was like they awarded themselves cleverness points for it.

You will never get to know the real person behind the lies. He needs major therapy. The next step up from consistent lying is cheating or thinking they can get away with fraud

Honestly it's best to get rid before you're in any deeper. My ex was a bit like this, not as bad as yours but told a lot of lies. You end up very unsettled. It's not in most people's nature to suspect that what people say day to day is fabrication, so you usually take ordinary things that the liar says at face value, only to realise later that they've done it again. It's disappointing every time and leaves you unable to believe a word they say in the end, even small trivial things. It's an uncomfortable way to live.

Never date a man who is a repair job.

Text him 'im going to be one of the first residents on Mars, can't wait. Might see you at the Japanese Pilot ChessMaster convention if I'm back. Byeee'

My ex actually could fly a plane, I still wasn’t impressed. What use was it to me? It’d be much more useful if he could have made a decent dinner.

He is a madman. One whose reality is so skewed that they feel safe in making massive lies that are so easily disproved. That is not normal behaviour.

If he can lie so brazenly about speaking Japanese etc, what else is he lying about that you haven't noticed? How would you feel if he was lying about how much he liked you for instance?

I wouldn't keep a madman around, unless I was equally devoid of reality. Find a better human being OP, you ARE worth it.

I notice liars quite often tell the same sort of lies- and car crash and everyone bone broken is one of the common ones. For some reason I always remember “I was a twin but the other one died before I was born” being another common one.

i mean poor people who actually did break every bone in their body because no one believes them

A long time ago, we had someone at our hobby who lied. And lied and lied.

Someone was talking about benefit fraud and he claimed to be an investigator at the DHSS.

At an event he stood at the bar and told me he used to sell Coca-cola. Their fridge was branded that way.

There were numerous other examples that I probably wrote down at the time.

When he left he took his shed away but told us he was taking it away to paint.

Proper bonkers.

OP. This man is a a fantasist.

That’s what fantasism looks like.

He needs deep and lengthy psychiatric help, but not from you.