Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

@Bingowashisnameoh1, it’s clear that you are determined to be this married guy’s Number 1 Person who is perfectly attuned to his wants and needs.

His Wife is distressed that her H and you are shitting all over her boundaries, but neither of you care. She clearly sees that you two are basking in your cozy validation bubble. Not only has your friend cautioned that you’re ‘playing with fire’, but your colleagues will also be aware. The building of emotional intimacy and reliance via your over-frequent contact outside work, life chat, in-jokes, playful frisson, curated gifts, etc. is destructive to his marriage and will also be creating a rot in yours.

You are helping to harm an innocent woman and perhaps children, @Bingowashisnameoh1. Find your integrity and back off.

Yes you are being naive. With your scenario, and similar ones, I never understand why the relationship with a colleague becomes such a priority. Realistically, given that most people have long term friends from school/ college etc what is it about the more recent colleague that warrants such significant effort and investment, preoccupying your non work time and thoughts? How many texts are you exchanging at weekends and evenings? I rarely have time to speak to or message my closest friend who I’ve known since I was six!
If you want some insights into the perspective from the wife’s observations check out this thread. In fact, the similarities are striking.
The issue from the wife’s perspective is that with the colleague he is being the witty engaging person she originally met, whereas with her he is being disinterested and disengaged. Do you feel you are supportive of your colleague’s marriage, isn’t there some book about whether people are a ‘friend’ to other people’s primary relationships? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5490317-dhs-friendship-with-woman-at-work-is-killing-our-marriage?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

you could have told him where to get it from instead. Feels very personal.

yes, you are out of line. He is too but its not his thread and we cant advise him.

Oh sorry- someone else has posted the same link. I also doubt it’s really naivety - just a determination to prioritise whatever you are getting out of this frisson regardless of the impact on others.

Thinking about it over the years a small number of colleagues have genuinely become friends and sometimes we meet up individually but mostly they come over, or we go out, with our partners too.

Yeah not naivety more like arrogance.

How do you know he doesn’t have close friendships with his male colleagues?

I bet he has form for this. Probably cheated in the past

You ought to back off for a while

How would you feel if it was your husband? If your relationship was maybe in a bit of a rut and instead of putting effort into it, he was enjoying text banter at all hours with an attractive colleague who was buying him gifts and massaging his ego? There’s nothing wrong with being friends with work colleagues, but messaging all the time outside work and buying personal gifts does feel like overstepping a boundary.

‘Playful’ messages and banter. Minimise it all you like but it’s an emotional affair. You both seem to have a need to be validated and have egos stroked by someone other than your spouses. That’s completely different from a normal friendship.

in your first post you said you understood how it made her feel. So stop. If the husband won’t stop then you need to.

Even if he is as ‘fabulous’ as you say he is.

Agreed. And clearly he isn’t very fabulous at all. He’s rather cruel and selfish to be putting his wife through this. Horrible behaviour op is condoning and encouraging.

how selfish you and the man are.
You both know that are really upsetting someone, but continue.

Your behaviour is more than unreasonable, it's disgraceful. You're prepared to ruin not just someone else's marriage and family, but potentially your own, so you can lap up a bit of attention? What are you thinking?

What did your husband say about the messages?

I don't think we are likely to get a genuine answer to that...

Let me guess... You're the type of girl who has more friends who are male because there is too much drama with girls and they don't like me anyway... Reading through your responses you just want to justify continuing on exactly as you are. The wife is uncomfortable, your friend who has much more context thinks you're playing with fire and the guy clearly enjoys you massaging his ego with your "playful banter." All of this is just icky. And no I would absolutely not be impressed with a rando from my husband's work buying him dvds... Wait I hear you think- I'm not just some rando. Exactly. This is exactly what the wife is thinking- who the hell is this person who buys dvds, constantly messages "banter" . Back off and back up would be my advise.

Leave this man alone! I find it odd honestly I feel for that poor wife! My husband works in the ambulance service and I see many women getting close to their male colleagues I said if my husband ever gets a work wife like some of them it’s over! I don’t believe it man women friendships neither does he. I went to my husband works so I sat and watched this bloke be lovely to his partner till she left early then he sat with woman one he called his work wife and other young paramedics saying awful things about her! You do not know what he is like at home. Back away

If he was a real friend, you would be telling him that your relationship appears to be upsetting his wife, so you should both cool it and he should have a conversation with her rather than you.

Why does it matter what other people say? This is how SHE feels, not how some other poster feels.

I notice you don't say how he reacted when you told him it looked like his wife tried to call you. Is there a reason for this? Is this when he confided that things aren't going great? Or did you not say anything, and he didn't say anything, so you can continue this non-flirty banter where you bought him a DVD that is hard to get? PS I'm not saying that's not a nice gesture, but for people that don't spend time with each other outside of work, and who haven't made any sort of effort to at least be introduced to each other's partners, it seems a bit...over the top?

You are both enjoying this flirty banter, whether you want to admit it's flirty or not. I recall a time where a work colleague and I had a similar sort of relationship (although he was single) and at one point another colleague witnessing a benign disagreement and saying "it's like when your mum and dad have an argument and you can tell they're going to have make up sex later". To us it was nothing, but clearly to the onlookers it was not!

You need to take on board the opinions you asked for and cool it with this man. Ask him about his wife. Invite them to lunch or something if you'd like to continue the friendship, and get to know him as a whole family man and not just the guy from the office that you're just really really good friends with. Or, ask him why his wife called, and really listen to his answer. He either knows why, and will likely bluster through the reasons and then claim their relationship isn't great, or he won't know why but can hazard a guess. Either way, you should both start being completely honestly with yourselves because I'm sorry, you just are not at this stage.

You still have to save it as a contact though for that to happen. Wattsapp won’t show photos unless you’ve got the name saved as a contact. It’s a new privacy thing. So…did you save it as a contact? Or some other explanation you can come up with?

The OP has a husband and children, and is complicit in wrecking someone else’s marriage/family, she’s a sorry excuse for a human being, a mother and a wife

Yet another thread where the OP has main character syndrome and doesn’t give a shit who gets hurt as long as the world is all me me me me me

And how did the wife have the OP’s number in her WhatsApp?

If she found a number in her DH phone surely most people would just call on the phone not through a messaging app?

Looking at the OP's replies now it's pretty clear that she's enjoying his attention and doesn't care that his wife isn't happy about their interactions outside of work. Back off. Big deal if he isn't happy at home OP it's none of your business. Go and concentrate on your own marriage and stop getting attention from someone else's husband

Exactly. Hardly anyone older calls using Wattsapp too. Hopefully @Bingowashisnameoh1 will be back soon to explain.

Her husband probably doesn't know. She already said in a reply that she hasn't shown him messages but apparently he wouldn't have a problem with her apparent friendship with this male colleague

She ain’t coming back, she’s not heard what she wanted