Colleague’s wife upset about our friendship, am I being naive?

[Bingowashisnameoh1]

I have a fabulous, kind colleague at work, he’s great fun to be with and I feel very lucky that we are friends. We share lots in common and could honestly natter for hours. There are many other lovely people in the department who are good friends too. It’s not exclusive.
Out of the blue his wife called me late one evening, I didn’t answer and there was no message. I assumed from his wife as the caller profile photo was of the two of them. We have never met so it was odd that she would even have my number. I spoke with him about this and he explained she’s been upset about our friendship for a while and had seen some of our messages.
I’m happily married and have no intention of leaving my family. I understand how she must feel and I’m sorry, but it really it is just friendship. There is no physical attraction there. Friends have always been very important to me and I think in life when you find such a friend, it’s a rare thing and their gender shouldn’t matter.
I have confided in a friend and she thinks I am playing with fire. Am I being naive?

Funny how these men are never bezzie workmates with fat, balding Bernard.
It's never that.

It’s just the plot to the song Jolene

Another of these threads that progressively reveals slightly less acceptable behaviour where the OP justifies it as the story develops. And a story it is. I think these are generated for traffic.

I work with a Bernard and he is a little over weight, but a sound enough person. But I get your point.😂

What I don't understand OP is that even if it is completely innocent on your part, why would you continue the friendship when you now know that his wife is unhappy about it and it is causing issues in his relationship? Smacks a bit of 'well I'm alright, Jack' vibes... It's not some decades-long friendship, it's a colleague that you get on with and have become friendly with. If you think they might have marriage issues then surely rather than seeing it as your place to 'cheer him up' you'd see that you should obviously back off so that you are not contributing further to those issues?

Well I’m sure he isn’t very happy at home. It’s kind of expected if he doesn’t prioritise his wife. He saves his fun and cool self for women at work and probably his poor wife is left with moody dregs and crap to clean up.

You are being naive.

I can understand why she feels uncomfortable. You do need to back off.

Go and show your husband the messages then come back and tell us his response 😂 because I guarantee you he wouldn't be happy either.

You just sound like a rage baiting attention seeker.

Leave him alone and go talk to your husband

Her own marriage is clearly rubbish and that’s why she’s distracting herself with someone else’s. Though if she was mature, she’d work on her own instead of thriving off the attention of others.
What a way to behave, especially when there’s kids involved

I agree. It's only on MN where any woman who dares befriend a married man is apparently a wanton Jezebel or a naive idiot who doesn't realise she's a Jezebel in the making.

What ever it is it’s upsetting his wife

I wonder if this is the wife? https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5490317-dhs-friendship-with-woman-at-work-is-killing-our-marriage?page=1

@MandSJaffaCakesRule Maybe share this one in that thread, if it is her she will know by OPs comments.

Sad reality is, there’s lots of people going through stuff like this. Married/attached people behaving like they are single with no regard for who they hurt as long as they get their kicks

You know now his wife is upset so just back off with messaging. Be friends at work.

Maybe you're not interested in him but his wife, who will know him better than you do, can sense his interest in you. Maybe.
If I really valued a male colleague as a friend I would want to support his marriage not undermine it.

Naive isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

Please stop texting him, or in the very least ration it. He clearly has issues that he needs to sort out. You're upsetting his wife.

True.
However, the wife’s dh knows this and is still messaging op.
Both op and her colleague are being disrespectful but It’s for the colleague to stop answering op’s out of office messages if his dw is upset.

I also think that having regular conversations with a colleague outside of work that she doesn’t share with her dh is odd. If I was messaging a friend and there was banter, as op calls it, I would naturally read funny bits out to dh.

It's so odd she rang you.

I wonder if there's a history of cheating here

Maybe he sees things differently to you.

Yeah no. Your whole attitude about this isn't great. Your messaging a married man on weekends and into the evenings.
Are you unhappy in your own marriage?
This isn't good. He's funny he makes me smile. Thats a no from me.
Clearly the wife has no issue with other women friends because they hold boundaries.
You clearly have none. Thats the concern. No. Its not up to him.
You know he's having marriage issues. Yet still message him.
I feel like your enjoying the attention, so you want it to be ok. But its not ok.

Why do some women care so little about other women? If he’s truly your friend, you’d care about his bloody wife and the impact you’re having on your “good friend ‘s” marriage.

if this isn’t rage bait, you’d sound like a selfish person

I think you should leave him alone

There might be a valid reason that his wife is uncomfortable with the friendship and if that is the case, I’m sorry but he needs to back away from the friendship, that is his responsibility. Their marriage is more important than your friendship with him.

OP check out this thread. This OP sounds remarkably like your friends’ wife. If so, you can clearly see the pain this is causing her, and you’ll also see that her husband is so invested in his friendship that he’s refusing to give it up even though he knows it’s distressing his wife and putting their marriage at risk.

Even if it’s not the other side of your situation you should have a look at the OP’s posts and updates because they reflect pain and anxiety similar to that which you’re clearly causing your friends’ wife.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5490317-dhs-friendship-with-woman-at-work-is-killing-our-marriage?page=25&reply=151099111

Definitely this.
Hideous, manipulative behaviour.