Drunk partner

[80sbabyxx]

My partner was out today on a work do. I collected him with the kids and he was extremely drunk.

on the drive home he was starting on me nothin knew there he always does when drunk so I didn't engage.

then when we go home he was crashing about the place and I told him to stop then he started shouting and our eldest told him to stop and he called him a spas*ic. I lost it and shouted at him really loudly he then jumped up grabbed me by the thought and punched the side of my face the kids seen this. He then was threatening me more and I told him to stop he then grabbed me and punched me three times on the head.

I grabbed my phone and rang his mum who told me to pass the phone to him which I did he then threw my phone and smashed it punched me again and kicked me.

I ran to the bedroom with the kids and locked us in I was actually so frightened. After an hour his parents arrived and he acted like he had no clue why they were there and he did nothing wrong and tbh I kind of got the feeling they believed him. He had a red mark on his face which he came home with but they were asking him questions about it's the dad spoke to me and asked me what happened the mum didn't.

eventually he left with the after calling me a fucking dickhead and that this was us over for good.

I didnt ring the police as I don't want ss to contact my kids schools. I am in so much shock. He is quite nasty and has hit me before but never with this much venom I thought tonight he might kill me.

how do I help my kids through this they are 6,7 and 12

I was your kids. Witnessing my mother being beaten affects me to this day. Just please get him away from you and then.

Likewise and I was battered also it leaves its mark.
It was the 70s and help was scarce only with therapy 50years later I've come to terms with what I saw and experienced.

I know it’s so very easy for us to tell you to leave him but please, focus on a get away plan and get you an your kids out of there as soon as you can.

You cannot support your children through something like this whilst still living together.

I wish you strength and determination x

I am so sorry this must have been so scary for you and your children. Please confide in a few trusted friends who you feel may support you without judgement - once you start to verbalise it, you may find it helps you to edge forward to having a strategy to remove him from you and your children.
Having been in your shoes, I knew eventually that if he didn’t kill me, I would kill him trying to protect myself and my children. I reported him at the start of Lockdown as his abuse became much worse and it was the start of a new chapter and steps to him not being able to abuse me and the kids. The school will be informed as they’ll be a MARU but I can assure you they are very experienced and trained in handling children involved in DV situations - the police interviewed my children at school.
I wish you and your children all the strength and remember, you are in no way responsible and the fact that he’s in the police makes his behaviour potentially all the more dangerous (in fact it’s a statistic that abusive men deliberately seek out jobs in enforcement to allow them to wield power and control).

Poor op, did you say he’s in the police? How horrible for you. There’s plenty of local and national domestic abuse services if you’re not comfortable contacting police straight away .
it is not unusual for police to be perpetrators of DA, people won’t be surprised.
you are as entitled as anyone else to support for you and your kids as you work through this, so please call for help as soon as you can xx

She’s clearly not thinking straight. We have to hope op is reaching out for help and not scare her off here, in case this is the only place she’s able to share at the moment

Hi, I don't know if you'll read this. But please please reach out to your family if you haven't already, and if you can find strength in doing so, please do report it. I know you've said you've concerns about SS being involved, but believe me, I have been there, I have been attacked Infront of my children. The police arrested him (he was also intoxicated and didnt remember). My children and I are safe. Theyve not seen him for over two years now. He was locked up for 15 months and I got a restraining order to help protect. If you need to, invest in home security, I have tapo cameras inside and outside my house.
I hope you are okay. School will be able to support your children. Chances are one of them will speak about it at school, there are support systems out there. Both mine (now 6&11) have bother had school support and counselling, as have I.

Feel free to message if you want or need to.

I'm not reading 6 pages before I say this. You phone the police now. You get the help you need and you do not let him back in the house. Your children will be telling school on Monday because they were terrified about what they just saw. If you don't get help then you will lose your kids because they are not safe. Don't worry about not having marks, yours and the children's statements is enough. And contact Women's Aid. Speak to school on Monday. Ask for a social worker. Get every bit of help offered. He tried to kill you.

Support your kids and get SS involved - get away. The school will support you brilliantly.
By not dealing with properly, you are showing your children and husband that this is the norm and what happens to women. Get him imprisoned and show your children how strong you are and how unacceptable his actions are!

I am so sorry this happened to you and your children.

I grew up watching my dad beat my mum every weekend. It really affected me, I have PTSD and childhood trauma. As a child, I think I was fine, I disassociated but as an adult I drank alcohol to blur it out, I had a bad drink problem. I was always in fight or flight mode and had terrible nightmare about people getting me, I’d check all the doors and windows. I would be triggered by things on tv. I unfortunately followed suit and dated a very abusive drunk for 7 years!

I never knew what was going on until my wonderful husband read something about PTSD and childhood trauma. I’ve had lots of therapy including EMDR and it’s really helped.

Please leave him and never go back! Also reassure you children they are safe, tell them “they are safe now”. Keep an eye on them and I would speak to the GP about therapy for all of you. My mum never left and this still upsets me that she wasn’t strong enough to choose me over him.

I wish I had reported him to the police too but I was young and it was my first boyfriend.

Please do not ever think it is anything you did, it is not acceptable for a person to do that to another person. I used to blame myself but it’s not you, it’s him!

Please take care of yourself too! I powered through life thinking “I’m fine” but I wasn’t and I wish I’d had therapy sooner because it helped so much!

Make sure you don’t have him back and move on.

Call the police.

How are you @80sbabyxx ?

how did you get on with the police? The smashed phone is criminal damage also.

OP what an horrific experience for you and your children.
Please report this to the police. If he won’t stay away from you or leave you in peace, or tries to come back to the house, apply for a non molestation order - he’s assaulted you, you will get one.
Photograph any injuries you see over the next few days - bruising takes time to develop.
If I understand your post correctly, as well as punching and kicking you, he grabbed you by the throat. There is alot of research that suggests that men who strangle their partners are much more likely to go on to kill them.
He should not be a police officer around vulnerable women. Report him, contact Refuge and help yourself and your children by keeping him out of your lives. I know that this all sounds easier said than done but for all your sakes you need to take a long term view here and take each day as it comes in the meantime.

I would expect some involvement from SS if you left your children alone to collect him from the pub. That was not OK. They will want to support you though and not blame you.

I didn't leave the children alone to collect him they were with me. It wasn't late it was at 8pm

If I'm being completely honest I found the police quite useless they were 'nice' but I just don't know if it will go anywhere they asked to take photos of my injuries tbh I only have a few bruises which look like the could be from anything.

they will be reporting to SS so the school will be informed this week too. The kids have been in great form this weekend we have had a lovely weekend walks park time and movie nights.

he has not came back near the house. I packed more of his things and his dad came yesterday for them but I left them outside. His parents don't believe me he told me they all know I'm a liar apparently. He probably isn't wrong that they have said that as they haven't contacted me or even asked about the kids.

His mum is a counsellor and his dad works in mental health both very active in the church too. Which just goes to show class and religion don't automatically mean good people. They seen how nervous their grandchildren were the other night and not one care has been given. As for him he will never be in my home again. He has not only been physically abusive but mentally, emotional and financially. I
am angry at myself for putting up with it for too long but never ever again

thank you all for your advice.

My abusive exes parents didn’t not believe their “perfect boy” could do anything like that either.

My dad, who also was an abusive drunk, his family was always on his side and enabled him to believe he did nothing wrong. When I stopped talking to my dad for a few years because of a very aggressive violent night happened where neighbours called the police and I had to go to court because he attacked me badly, all his family turned on me saying I was just after his money.

And just to clarify my dad is a multimillionaire and my exes family were millionaires, I met him in private school so agree it doesn’t matter about class or backgrounds.

I am fantastic at masking so school and no one ever knew when I was young or when I was with my ex.

Don’t be hard or angry with yourself, no one will ever understand unless they are in that situation. I stayed around for 6 years with my abusive ex and I only confronted my dad about it all when I was 40. They are fantastic manipulating and controlling narcissists and know exactly what to do or say to keep you. You are doing it now and should be super proud of yourself!!

Report him.
Especially if he is in police
Next time he will kill you and then what?

@80sbabyxx
I am sorry I didn’t read your post properly in relation to the children coming with you to collect him.

You have done the right thing in reporting. I really hope that the police aren’t being supportive, Do approach a charity see if you can find an IDVA to help you.

It’s awful that his family don’t believe you. You know what happened and that’s all that matters. Plus your children saw it.

I hope you’re doing ok. You’ve been v brave in reporting him.

Unsupportive.