Drunk partner

[80sbabyxx]

My partner was out today on a work do. I collected him with the kids and he was extremely drunk.

on the drive home he was starting on me nothin knew there he always does when drunk so I didn't engage.

then when we go home he was crashing about the place and I told him to stop then he started shouting and our eldest told him to stop and he called him a spas*ic. I lost it and shouted at him really loudly he then jumped up grabbed me by the thought and punched the side of my face the kids seen this. He then was threatening me more and I told him to stop he then grabbed me and punched me three times on the head.

I grabbed my phone and rang his mum who told me to pass the phone to him which I did he then threw my phone and smashed it punched me again and kicked me.

I ran to the bedroom with the kids and locked us in I was actually so frightened. After an hour his parents arrived and he acted like he had no clue why they were there and he did nothing wrong and tbh I kind of got the feeling they believed him. He had a red mark on his face which he came home with but they were asking him questions about it's the dad spoke to me and asked me what happened the mum didn't.

eventually he left with the after calling me a fucking dickhead and that this was us over for good.

I didnt ring the police as I don't want ss to contact my kids schools. I am in so much shock. He is quite nasty and has hit me before but never with this much venom I thought tonight he might kill me.

how do I help my kids through this they are 6,7 and 12

I think social services will take it a lot more seriously when a 6 year old and a 7 year old go to school, tell all of the adults that their dad- who the school will already know is a police officer- was punching their mum, in the head, multiple times, and they will wonder if you are actually able to keep the kids safe.

He's done it in front of your kids. They WILL tell someone, and they should tell someone, because you aren't putting them first. And lets be honest, seeing this means they need someone to talk to to try and make sense of it in their head, poor things. Report him, before it escalates without you stepping in, and you become the subject of the investigation too.

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Do not let him back in the house, you and your children deserve to live in a safe home. Please contact the police, social services sounds scary but they can prevent your partner from entering the home and putting your children at risk.

You and your children are in danger and it’s better for you if you ring the police now, because social
services may not look on you favourably for not reporting your partners behaviour.

Your kids come first. Please please please reach out for help.

You need to leave, you must not let your children grow up with this.

You are a secondary school teacher.
He is in the police.
His family live reasonably close but they are not going to support you. Having read your previous thread they mollycoddle and enable him.
You have safeguarding training through your job.
Your 12 year old has a different dad - this man is not even your eldest’s dad and is seeing this appalling violence?
MN are very supportive of women in this situation. Yes, you are a victim.
But being concerned about this man and his career is absolutely ridiculous when your life is at risk.
As far as I know you live in a property owned by his family, too.
There is no point in calling them, they are going to protect their son.
For the sake of your children, your safety and even your own career, you need to go to the police and your GP.
You are making excuses not to - they won’t believe you? Your eldest, at 12, is a vital witness. If your children open up to anyone else about this, you are not going to come out if this well, either. I am sorry if this sounds harsh but your job as a mum is to
protect your kids. You are also a trained professional.
It may help to post on here. You are not downtrodden, with no career although I appreciate this man’s family are quite dominant.
You need to act swiftly. If you don’t, your children could find themselves without a mother and left with this drunken, abusive thug.

I’ve just got to say, I’ve recently gone through something similar. SS are involved but they have been nothing but amazing. I was petrified at first, but it didn’t take long to realise they didnt want to take the kids away from me, they wanted to support us and me to not ever go back into that horrid relationship again. Please don’t be scared, they just want to help keep you and your kids safe, and provide you all with the support you need xx

Losing finances sounds horrible, but I’m going to be real with you. What’s worse? That or losing your kids?

You can rebuild on your own, social services can help you find support. But if you don’t report him and like others have said, the kids tell someone at school, the could be taken into care for witnessing domestic violence.

And if he’s done it to you, and spoke to your son like that, he could do it to them. Please don’t let this man ruin yours and your children’s lives. Take steps now.

You didn't goad, don't look to blame yourself. No one has the right to hit you. This is not normal, it's not your fault, and please don't accept it.Please leave, look after yourself as you deserve, and show your children this is wrong. Xxx

So where is he now, do you know?
Call the Police now. You must, in order to get bail conditions that prevent him coming back. If the house is in your name, get the locks changed. Either way, ask the police to put a storm marker on your address to ensure a quick response if he turns up before they can arrest him.
Police will contact ss who yes will most likely contact your kids school but it’s necessary lovely, you need as much support as you can get. Social Work and /or Women’s Aid might be able to provide additional support for your kids. WA sometimes have children’s workers. You support them by keeping them safe, answering any questions they have honestly and by not going back to him. Sadly, they’ve seen this, therefore you can explain that mum and dad are separating because of his behaviour. There can be no scenario where you ever consider not contacting the police or getting back with this man.
If the house is in joint names it’s a bit more complex and you’ll need legal advice, but priority right now is keeping you and the kids safe.

Please please please call the police. I was in a similar situation some years ago, and I know how hard it is to take that course. He's dangerous, and you need to put yourself and your children in a position of safety.

Get some legal advice once things are a little calmer - hopefully you a get some support from legal aid.

Op I’m so sorry this happened to you. But please report it to the police. This is even more reason to.

please get you and your children away from him:

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/gender-violence/domestic-violence-and-abuse/

https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/getting-help-for-domestic-violence/

@80sbabyxx what the actual am I reading here?? he is in the Police and he behaved like this and you dont want to report him because SS might get in touch with your kids school?

come on, wake up to this. the kids will tell someone at school they are bound to, and then it will look like you have something to hide. stop behaving like this is your fault. it isnt. he is a nasty violent excuse for a man. he deserves all the shit that can be rained upon his head over this. I dont want him as a police officer neither does anyone else he has betrayed that trust.

go to the police. go to social services. take action against him for the assault. otherwise your kids will grow up thinking that actions dont have consequences.

You need to report this. He is not safe around women, we all need protecting from a man like this. It could be a Sarah Everard all over again. Men in power with this personality need their power taking away.

Please report this. Safeguard you and your children.
There is help and support out there. You CAN do this.

(And reporting it will help protect society from the brutality of having these sorts of monsters in our police force)

hi all thanks so much for all your messages

he came back about an hour ago and got more stuff and left again. I am not taking him back I have spoke to my mum and dad they are going to mind the kids tomorrow and I'm gonna organise for police to come and take a statement.
i know you are all right last night I was in so much pain shock and I also didn't want to panick the kids more with police showing up.

I am sore but have no bruising. When he punched my head I put my hand up over my head so my hand is swollen and sore. And when he punched the side of my face I think he got my neck as it is very sore to turn but no bruising.

thanks all his parents have been useless as I knew they would be just all excuses then his mum said to me the children tell me and their aunt X (dads sister) that you shout at them a lot... they see this grandmother once a month and they have seen the aunt twice a year so this is what they are gonna try now.

My ex was the same when drunk. He wasn't violent but he was intimidating and aggressive. He smashed up by kids toys and on a couple of occasions I was really scared that he may hurt my children. I tried to defuse the situation. On one occasion he got my young children out of bed at midnight and decided it was play time. They all ran round like maniacs until he crashed out leaving me with 2 hyper children. He wouldn't let me get into bed as he put the kids there instead so when he fell asleep I moved them back to their own beds.
I knew I was going to leave him but I stayed until the kids were older as I knew he would have rights to see them but I didn't trust him to look after them when he'd had a drink.
But my biggest regret was not phoning the police that night as his behaviour was awful as both a husband and parent.
Further down the line he overstepped the mark with the children and social services became involved and he had to have parenting classes and family support to improve his relationship with his children.
My boys are now men and one chooses to have a relationship with his dad and the other one doesn't.
I have no feelings for him but im still unable to forgive him for how he treated his children!.
Your husband won't get any better. Try to support your children. Answer questions they may have. Show them its not acceptable behaviour from their Dad and that youre not putting up with it. Then leave him. Its not easy but its so much better for everyone.
Oh and my ex went to anger management classes and they told him they couldn't see his problem. Thats because he barely spoke when sober but thought he was 10 men when drunk but they didn't see him in that state.
Leave, leave, leave!!!

Oh lovely, I’m so sorry to hear this. I’m sure you’re feeling and will go on to feel some complicated emotions around this and be really scared and confused. You’re not in an easy position. I just want to urge you to seek support because you will need to make some brave decisions to keep those precious children of yours safe. Dig deep and give the National aid helpline a call. Their number Is 0808 2000 247. There’ll be a local helpline too but I understand if your partner is in the police it might help you to talk it through with someone more anonymously first. A friendly ear on the end of the phone who gets it and believes you would be a really good starting place with processing what’s happened to you and deciding what to do next. All power to your elbow, you can do this.

And a previous poster was right, the shame is all his. Xxx

All I can think of is Sarah everard. the fact monsters like this work in our police force is so concerning.
I'm glad you're going to report him. Speak to women's aid. You and your kids are all victims of abuse.

And as for his family saying you shout.. I'm sure all parents shout at times and this doesn't justify her drunken son beating the crap out of you!!

Well done for making a plan. Have you spoken to the police to arrange taking the statement. You will get support.

The more people who know the better, you’ll have the police, Social services, your family on your side. Plus posters on here. Good luck.

A very small thing, considering what’s happened to you, but deep slow breaths in through the nose, and out the mouth, can help when feeling overwhelmed and anxious, and you have a few minutes to focus.

Absolutely report to police asap.
why would you protect him and his career ?! He doesn’t deserve it.
phone police and women’s aid asap
you will be believed and supported

It's concerning that your ex was assessed for anger management classes. The same thing happened with my violent, aggressive, narcissistic, insane ex husband who sometimes liked to compare himself to Jack Nicholson in The Shining. He was delighted and reported that they didn't think that he had a problem.

Anyway OP, I've said above, like many people, that you really do need to get the police involved, and please do it sooner rather than later. this is a bit graphic, but you don't want the bruising and other injuries to fade before you see them.

So I’m here to agree with all the other comments and offer advice based on my experience. Even if he never laid a hand on you, name calling, nastiness etc is still abuse. The children will be deeply upset by that alone. It always ends in violence. Whatever happens you absolutely must NOT go back to this man. You must tell the police but here’s the thing, It’s very, very important you get a solicitor that has experience in handling DV cases. Even if the Police tell you you don’t need a solicitor at this stage, I assure you that you do. Even though you are the victim here be prepared for your partner to lie through his teeth and there will be those who believe him. When you make a statement, make sure your solicitor is there. Do not be interviewed without a solicitor, no matter what the police say. There is no such thing as ‘a little chat’ with the Police. Ask your children what their biggest fear is. When I asked my children that question they answered in unison “that you’ll let him come back” Some tough times are coming, stay strong, you absolutely will get through it, remember who you were before you met him 👸 good luck x

You help by leaving. Reporting him. Informing the school yourself. Arranging therapy for all of uou and contacting womens Aid or similar
Im so sorry this happened to you. You have nothing to be ashamed of only he does . Report and seek support