I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

@changedmynameagainforthis ive pmed you. I think i might work in a similar field but not as a hobby business...

If you stay married for much longer he will have a solid claim on your pension as well as the equity you have together. Because he can evidence that you are supporting him.

Are you paying for the mentor or does he out of what little cash he generates? I'd suggest for starters that the mentor gets paid out of growth income so there is skin in the game for the two of them.

Must be tempting to send him along to Dragons Den for a roasting but realistically it's ultimatum time.

Not a chance I would put up with this nonsense OP. You sit him down, give him a date by which he needs to have a salaried job. If does not do this start divorce proceedings immediately. Honestly who needs this crap? 💐

OP what exactly is his business? I’ve not heard of anyone setting up a business and only making £6k and handing it to a mentor.
It all sounds very dodgy, give him an ultimatum to give it up and find any job with a steady wage or go to his mummy’s.

Why do people ask this question? What answer are you expecting?

"It was an accident and I didn't want an abortion"
"I love him"
"I just really like the pain of childbirth"
"I'm a masochist and love having to work 40 plus hour weeks, juggle night feeds and deal with stretch marks because babies are just so cute"
"You're right, it was a mistake. I'll call the adoption agency straight away and have them come and take the baby right now"

I mean seriously - it's not like she can send the baby back! 🙄

I'm not usually one who is quick to go towards LTB and while I was sharing your exasperation with your DH I was kind of thinking that perhaps by talking to him you could make him see the light, until you said this:

DH doesn’t really believe in pensions

That is the killer blow for me - especially as you are being sensible and topping yours up.

If you stay in this marriage for another few years before you finally have enough and you have added to your pension over that time, he will likely be entitled to some of it.

If you are already thinking about how you can make separating work financially you are, at least subconsciously, one foot out of the door already, so it will be very difficult to make things work if he is as stubborn as he sounds.

I would get out now while your pension pots are about equal! Don't let him string you along for another few years playing housemaid.

Oh dear, OP, I really feel for you. He's a dreamer, and he's not on your side. What a selfish man. I feel sorry for his parents as well as you.

I don't think he will improve over time, sadly. I speak from experience! These types can be very engaging 🫣

I would sit down with him and explain it's not working for you. It's obvious that the situation and your husband are getting on your nerves and resentment like that just builds and builds.

How can you "only be with him for money" when he is getting into debt and you are paying 2/3 of ongoing costs?! His comment sounds like a (ridiculous) way to halt you making sensible suggestions that he disliked.

YANBU.

Is the time he spends on his business the reason he gives you for doing minimal parenting?

Sorry to derail the thread OP. But unfortunately, so many people romanticize the idea of (giving up unhappy jobs and) starting their own businesses. What OP is describing is often the horrible reality.

Yes he’s definitely been influenced by stuff online. Slightly into conspiracies too.

I’m making him sound worse and worse 🤦🏻‍♀️

Example day on Monday. He saw a client (for free) for an hour, then went to the gym, had a sauna (cost money), came home and had a nap. Then it was pick up time. He does do Monday pickup so we save on after school club.

The idea is the free clients will eventually pay. I think.

In your flipped genders scenario is the husband doing all the night wakings?

That’s a total p-take!

As someone said upthread, a business not bringing in money is a hobby.

Stop the mentor. Stop the gym fees. From now onwards, he pays these out of his earnings, not yours.

I think the sunken costs fallacy would be applicable here.

It doesn’t sound like this is ever going to change so you either need to accept this is how it’s going to be or you decide when is the best time to end things. Personally on a £60k salary I would be working on an exit strategy, getting organised, getting advice and working out what you think is the best way to move forward.

If you don’t accept this or leave you will be posting here every few years. This doesnt sound like it’s ever going to be a viable business and he doesn’t seem routed in reality. How would you feel if it’s 2036 and you are still in this position or about to retire and it’s only you that is worried and contributing.

Yes, @Floogal and it’s usually prudent to keep your other job going while you get established as @mindutopia’s DH did, or at least also work part-time to bring in some cash.

DH and I started a side hustle six years ago (great timing with COVID, ha, ha!) and we do make income from it now, but we’ve both kept working, because it’s not making enough yet.

At bare minimum, your DH should be doing something else to cover the £6K annual fees for his business- taking that from your salary is ridiculous.

OP I think you do have to take some responsibility here for allowing it to continue for so long. How much longer do you want to go on like this, another 3 years, 5 years, 10 years?

This man is telling you that he is not going to earn money and he is not going to have a pension, he is going to live off you.

And you seem to just be passively accepting that/

First things first @changedmynameagainforthis think you need to say to him that he gets a job to cover the nursery fees minimum, or you’ll cancel it and he will have to provide the care. £500pm is a what you say he’s earning, and also what he’s spending on the mentor, so either nursery OR the mentor needs to go

He needs to get a job and pursue his hobby-job around that. He can quit his job when he's making enough money to pay half the bills.

I have a dp who has set up a number of new businesses, and I've supported him at times, but it's always been for a set period and I've agreed to it.

What did his business plan predict regarding profit? Can he see what's going wrong? Has he looked at business mentoring, customer conversations, anything like that? If he hasn't, he isn't taking this seriously or treating it like a job at all.

The reality is that if he hasn't made a profit by now, he isn't going to.

They don't if they are smart and you DH is not smart!
His qualifications after 2/3 years will be bullshit and probably not worth anything.
Firstly look at finance and tell him that his £500 ̶d̶o̶w̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶d̶r̶a̶i̶n̶ ̶ to this 'mentor' plus the £500 for nursery is 12k a year, so you'd only be looking at finding a extra 3k OP!
He needs to grow up, I imagine his parents give him the money for his gym etc so I'd start there ...
What will you be able to offer our children DH?

If he really thinks his business is viable, then fine. But he needs to be bringing in some money - whatever he can do with his health condition. Something online, even part time.

You need to seriously think about your own future. He's taking the piss.

I say this as someone who has been self employed since my 20s (in my 40s now). I've never made a huge amount of money, but always enough to pay my share even if I have to work part time while in the building stage of a business. There is no way in hell I would expect a partner to support me indefinitely, for years on end. Many partners support each other for X period of time, but I'd say that period of time is up.

I am really sad for you OP. He feels like he only lives once, wants a lovely lifestyle but what about you? You’re stressed out and overburdened while he goes to the gym and has a nap.

I would separate your finances as much as you can initially so your income goes into a sole bank account and you can use it for the things you need. His parents contribution presumably can’t come directly to you although I’d ask them given he’s pissing it away on a life coach, saunas.

Id tell him he needs to contribute 50% of the household expenses before indulging in frittering money away. If he says no I’d seriously consider leaving.

i hear you on the divorce thing and him having no income but you would think it’s relevant he left a well paid job a few years ago. In 5 or 10 years he will have a better argument he’s been out of the job market for too long. I don’t know, speak to a lawyer. I don’t think this is a man to grow old with.

Clients will not magically start paying if they're getting it for free now. He needs to change that NOW or get a job. I really feel for you. I'd be insanely cross. Failing which I would be working on an exit strategy.

How on earth can he justify paying for a sauna if he's not earning? He's got to seriously reign in his expenditure. He's living way beyond his means, leaching on the goodwill of his parents (and you)

I think I’d start losing respect for a man who started his own business and took money from his parents to effectively subsidise it in this way. It doesn’t sound like he’s working flat out, he could do a part time job to earn something and fit this in around it. I can’t imagine taking money from my parents in this way as a grown adult. It’s just not necessary and to me comes across as slightly indulgent. I’d want my parents to keep any extra cash for themselves unless I was in a really dire situation and I’d want to pay them back. He seems to be creating unsustainable frameworks for how he wants to live his life but without properly acknowledging how essentially he is asking other people not to live their own best life in order to facilitate his. I suspect this might be down to this supposed ‘mentor’.