I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Have you checked what benefits you could replace him with? What you would be entitled to if you sent him home to mummy and daddy?

https://www.entitledto.co.uk

Why do you need to push i Tell him you're not paying for it anymore and he'll have to fund it some other way.

If he brings this up again when you speak to him at the weekend, I would be very clear that romantic love is not unconditional. If he cheated on you, for example, you would stop loving him. You asked for ways to convince him - be brutally honest with him. You married a responsible, committed man whom you considered to be a partner. Right now, you’re struggling because you don’t feel like you’re seeing that version of him anymore. It’s not that you don’t admire his desire to try something new or rebuild after his health issues, but it can’t be at the expense of his family. His business has not taken off after 3 years and it is now time to either relegate it to part time and get a paying part time job alongside it or draw the line under it. Tell him you will lose respect for him if he continues as he is now at your expense and it’s hard to get that back once it’s gone.

And if he goes on. Tell him it sounds as if he's only with you for your money.

Do people actually pay that much to MLM businesses? No wonder the person at the top is onto a winner.

was just thinking this...

If he's been paying a Mentor for more than a year, and STILL not making it pay, then it's a waste of money. His Mentor just isn't helping him; some are good, but many are just rubbish. I was a business Mentor before I retired, and would expect results well before this.

Can't you talk to his parents and ask them if they can say the bank of mum and dad ard closed and you should be a proper man and provide for your family.

‘A proper man’?

Jesus. Do people really still think like that? Clearly some do.

£6000 to a mentor? to do what?
He sounds beyond useless!

He'd home school them if he could ... and yet you're paying for nursery.

He'd no more step up there than he has in any other area. So I suspect you needn't worry about him trying to claim he's primary carer - that would involve work (night wakings, more than half the the drop-offs, all the school and other child admin).

Was I talking tou you!!!

He can’t claim he’s the primary carer for your children as he doesn’t get up in the night as he’s too ‘ill’. You can use this against him if or when you divorce. Keep a secret diary of all the night wakings, school drop offs and other child related stuff that he doesn’t do, so that he really can’t claim to do more than 50 50 childcare.

He sounds like such a waste of space as a husband and father.

Is the mentor a business mentor or related to his health/something else?
Because if it's a business mentor you need to measure how much he's helping in monetary terms eg Is his income increasing year on year?

Does he have a business plan or an understanding of his accounts?

I would. have lost all respect for him

To me the fact his parents are paying some of his share is helpful. I mean it could be seen as too generous. But I wouldn't be trying to disrupt that as it's guaranteed money for no effort from either of you. They can clearly afford it.

I mean of course hopefully his business will be profitable soon but right now you don't want that support to stop as it would make your life worse.

Does he need some kind of guidance or coaching on how to be profitable? His parents could pay for that too seeing as it would help his business?

Ummm… I was going to say this. I’m trying to think of a health condition that means he can walk dog, go to gym etc, but cannot get up to the baby?

Im quite perplexed by this as I am old and knackered, have various tiresome ailments that means I would be probably be blue-lighted out of a gym… yet got up all the time in the night to my (late) dog who needed help for the toilet, had episodes of panic and needed someone with her etc ( Sorry OP, not likening your baby to my dog, just the constant night wakings, for an example )

I couldn’t live like this, I really couldn’t.
You are being taken for a right mug, OP. So are his poor parents. Do they realise the extent of his piss-taking or are they blind to the “Golden Boy?”

Your personal schedule must be exhausting.

Please kick him up the bum to change, or kick him out, you can’t carry on like this. 🌺

Sounds like he’s in some sort of MLM scheme?

Oops, hadn’t read the last couple of posts where this was mentioned.

He’s being totally unreasonable OP and I’d be letting him know your marriage is at risk if he doesn’t buck his ideas up. He could join a temping agency, do warehouse work etc to fit around his other “job”.

If his business isn’t providing an income after 3 years then it’s a hobby.

This. I'd go further and say if its not providing the equivalent of min wage + holiday pay for the hours spent on it - still a hobby.

I think you need the in laws to withdraw their financial support. It is awful that they are having to do this while he plays at being whatever. YOLO is all well and good but it doesn't pay the bills.

He sounds JUST like DH's BIL. He faffed about with a 'business' which he loved describing himself as the 'CEO' of or as an 'entrepreneur', but never actually made anything, while SIL did worked full time and did everything else. FIL gave a lot of financial support which he couldn't afford, even some of MIL's life insurance after she passed away, and SIL felt awful but couldn't manage without . BIL eventually got a job a couple of years back after SIL threatened divorce, but I don't think their marriage has ever recovered, she very much seems to be marking time until their teenagers are through exam years.

I don't really have any advice, except to offer support, and that he needs to understand if he kills your respect for him that's really hard to come back from.

Does he need some kind of guidance or coaching on how to be profitable?

he is already paying someone who allegedly coaches him, except that there are no results.

I too disagree with ‘proper man’ but I think the OP certainly deserves a ‘functional partner’

"DH doesn’t really believe in pensions"

What does he plan to live on when he reaches pension age? If he isn't making NI contributions he won't even qualify for a full state pension, let alone trying to manage with only a small occupational pension. His parents won't be around to sub him by then and there may not be much left to inherit if they go on shelling out to their children at this rate. All this about home educating the children (would he be the teacher?) and campervans and not believing in pensions really does sound as though he's been strongly influenced by some alternative lifestyle guru, if not an actual cult.

It sounds like an MLM. Are you sure its not a bit of a con?