I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Hello @mumsnet - why was my post above deleted? I hadn’t said anything controversial?

Some people have no shame in thinking it’s fine to live off their parents, when they could easily resolve the situation themselves. I don’t know the full extent of his health issues, but I do know I work full time with a very serious health condition, and was back to work 4 months after a massive surgery. To think i’d quit my job, start a business that makes little money and then expect my parents to sub my family is horrifying to me. You clearly feel the same and I don’t blame you. I’d be embarrassed everytime I saw them. I’d be wanting to help my parents out, not the other way around.

It’s also bad that you’ve added another child to the family, and he still hasn’t decided enough is enough and got a job. You might just have to be brutally honest and say you don’t understand how he can be so blaize about all of this, and that he needs a plan. This cannot continue indefinitely. I’d lose all respect for him.

Free clients. It's not free though is it? He gets to feel good about doing something for free, while you and his parents are paying for it.

He's taking the piss out of you. Give him ONE ultimatum and mean it.

What is his business? Please tell us, or is this another one of those secret hobbies type of thing?

Is it life coaching? Manifestation type thing? some of sort new age therapy? I'm dying to know.

We have plans to go through the finances at the weekend, but we just had a little bust up because he mentioned he’s seeing his mentor tomorrow and I said that maybe he needs to reconsider the mentor because he’s not earning enough to
cover it. Apparently I shouldn’t say that because we haven’t been through the finances yet (no, not through all our household bills but he has been through his 25/26 income this week and I know it is approximately the same) and suggesting that he might want to rethink it is me “trying to control everything”

You pay nursery fees so he can work 2 hours a day and walk the dog?
He expects his parents to financially support him but obviously he will never be in the position to financially support his kids?
He doesn't believe in pensions? But obviously relies on his parents pensions?
What exactly does the mentor do? Advise him on local dog walks?

I know what you mean, but I started my own business after working for 15 years in a particular niche and realising I was doing everyone else's job for them at a fraction of their income. Surprise surprise, since going freelance I make shitloads more money now than I ever did as an employee.

You're quite right about the romaniticizing. YouTube/TikTok/Insta etc have a lot to answer for! Unfortunately, OP's DH is in a fantasy world where he gets to do whatever he fancies and OP/his parents fork out to cover him for this, so nothing ever pricks his bubble that he has value to add by doing fuck all.

Ohhh, it's so annoying (especially as I can relate to her situation from former DPs). Grrr OP I wish I could wave a wand and get you out of there! I know you want to talk sense into him, but someone like this is literally incapable of seeing it. Please don't waste your time. You'll just talk until you're blue in the face. He might grow up one day, but I doubt it, and certainly not with you around to pick up the pieces for him.

Your life will thrive once you start investing in yourself without this drain on you.

Good luck 💐💐💐

suggesting that he might want to rethink it is me “trying to control everything”

He is gaslighting you by saying that. HE is controlling you by shifting all of the responsibility and expense of running a home onto you while he prances around cosplaying setting up a business and enjoying the kudos that comes from that. He is doing all of that at YOUR expense. He is controlling you.

When you put it like that I am aware I sound like a total mug. I’m not usually. It’s happened so insidiously I’ve not realised how bad it has got.

OP I kinda hate him. Can't you just divorce him.

OP you may not be ready to DTMFA but he's taking the total piss. If he insists on carrying on with his expensive hobby 'career' then fine, but you're well within your rights - and wise - to refuse to spend another penny of your salary on the fucking useless mentor, for starters.

And why on earth will clients currently getting freebies start paying? Of course they won't.

How can he day he is primary carer if you have to pay for nursery??
Really sorry OP, hes such an arse. I would struggle with him sponging off his parents too

Sending you strength @changedmynameagainforthis
From what you reveal he is a master gaslighter. Now, your eyes have been opened to his responses, maybe the support on this thread will give you the confidence to stand tall.
Also, could his parents’ struggles be based on the stress of supporting two DC ?

I think it's time for you to come up with some totally unrealistic business plan so you can join him in his YOLO outlook on family life. You've been looking into painting paper plates or crocheting slippers and think you too could make a business out of it. You've also found a 'mentor' who can advise you on paint combinations/crochet hook sizes and they are only charging £5k!

Well he can deflect and try to say it’s not that bad/you’re trying to control everything etc all day, but you are the one that needs to decide what your limit is. It doesn’t sound like he’s going to change his stance anytime soon. Is this a situation that you think you could tolerate indefinitely?

If you’re close to his parents could you ask them to have a word with him. It doesn’t sound like they’re wealthy enough to contribute forever and I’m sure it’s going to be affecting their quality life.

Your DH's business is not profitable.

His mentor's business is clearly very profitable. Why does he think that is? Because he is paying his mentor a large sum of money every year, that's why. Far more than he's earning himself. The only profitable work in this line of business is the income from being the mentor, not the income earned by the person paying for the mentoring. Try and get that point through to him.

I got to page 7. Is he one of the next year we will make it big people? Then the hobby aka business is all consuming and costs you money while you cover all school drop offs pickups nursery fees, cooking etc etc and you still do all housework and cooking and hold down a full time job getting home at 6? Whilst he shouts you don't support or do the garden, decorating (insert moan of your partner) or put out for sex?

That 6k he's paying that leech?

That's your money he's taking away from your kids.

Are you mad yet? You should be.

He's a fucking gigolo at this point. You and his parents fund him to piss around at his business he does for free and is still in the red after 3 years. You pay for your kids to be in nursery while he's at the fucking gym and walking the dog but he's too ill to get up with the kids. He's not their primary carer, you are. You're his primary wallet too.

Every £ he spends is money out of your kids' mouths.

Did he have an actual business plan and run the numbers? If so, he should have realized he wasn't meeting projections and not making a profit after a year, he's throwing your good money and his parents' after bad.

What if one of his parents develops a health issue and they can no longer subsidize your household? That day is coming.

Get rid. Not only does he not pull his weight in any area, he's draining you to pay his scammer who blows smoke up his ass and to do nothing that helps you or your family.

Oh, and if he's been being mentored for three years and still isn't making any money, then the mentor obviously isn't any good.

Op, your husband is on a completely different page to you. It's unlikely you will convince him with hard financial facts as you no longer have joint financial/life goals.

3 years for a business that makes zero isn't going to be turned around. I doubt he had the skills. Could you join one of the coaching sessions?

When you discuss finances do you lay out your vision, I.e x amount of disposable income to have treats and holidays, paying into a pension? .If he doesn't want one then just focus on yourself. Including his parents payments is he contributing an average salary?

I guess in one way he is spending his inheritance.

He HAD an illness. He’s not ill anymore so he needs to get a job.

So no flipping genders required.

Exactly this. He has a responsibility to his family to provide for them one way or another. Any earned income from him is better than none.
It's really unfair that it's all on you and his parents OP.

I am afraid I would say that I’m going to put the family’s welfare ahead of his selfish desires. As the primary income earner, I am deciding what the family money will be spent on as the situation hasn’t improved. I simply refuse to pay the mentor fees and he can now fund this himself.
He may wish to live in a caravan with no pension and is welcome to do so, but that doesn’t align with my financial values and I won’t support this.
Adult love is most certainly conditional. OP, it’s ok and in fact necessary to have boundaries in place to protect yourself and your children. Don’t be afraid to decide on and articulate those boundaries. He can whinge, cry, gaslight etc but they’re YOUR boundaries.

He knows his 'business' is a dud and he is being duped by his 'mentor' who can't be very good if they are costing more than the 'business' is making! It's all a facade, like kids playing shop. But your DP is married, has responsibilites and is sponging off his parents. It's like the emperors new clothes, pretending it's a serious business but he's fannying around walking the dog, having naps and saunas. What a joke. All this talk of you controlling him, is deflecting. You're the one with the power as you are earning. Why are you paying for fucking saunas for him when your child is in nursery ALL being paid for by you being at work! MADNESS

He sounds awful. You must be completely exhausted keeping all the plates spinning.
I'd urge caution about doing anything which he could use to his advantage in a divorce. Painful though it may be financially, keeping nursery ( for now) might be sensible. Until you are clearer in what outcome you want. Unfortunately I don't think he is ever going to morph into a partner who shares the load (financial, mental, emotional etc).
Echoing a pp re: keeping a log of what he actually does for the children.
Another poster made a good point about equal pension pots atm.
You may not go down the route of divorce, but think carefully about decisions now and the effects on a divorce settlement.

I don't think you sound like a mug, but it has definitely got BAD - I'm glad you can see it.