I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

A house husband would work if PILs continued helping us out or I earned more… I’d need an extra £15k a year before tax I reckon if we didn’t have nursery expenses. Not sure if that would be doable.

OP I'd approach this that you are overwhelmed and burned out with all your home and work responsibilities and can no longer cope. Either he has do do 100% child and homecare (and save the nursery fees) or you need to go PT so that you can cover the night wakes / home responsibilities you have. Which of these options would he prefer?

Op. I have MS. But I’m still atm working to put away towards my pension and to take some pressure off dh. And I’m so disabled that I employ a carer to help me wash and dress in the morning. Your dh is taking the piss. If he can walk the dogs and go to the gym then he can work. I’m fuming for you x

a few things are the issue here:

1. the sums aren’t summing on your household finances. How do you balance the books and plan for your / your kids futures? Where are pensions and savings in all this?
2. the PIL are enabling and perpetuating this behaviour. When is the end of their generosity?
3. the household chores aren’t equitable/ you can’t pay for nursery when someone is doing sweet FA at home
4. the mentor person sounds like a blatant scammer. Get rid or put it on pause for 6 months - willing to bet there’s no impact on the business other than cost savings
5. your husband can’t appear to have a mature conversation about any of this

In sum, you sound like you’re at breaking point in that you’re actually taking this seriously, propping up the bill of the household finances AND doing the mental load and a chunk of chores? Does he think this is acceptable?

@changedmynameagainforthis if you're going to have a talk with him please be careful what you share with him. It's best not to give him any information he could use against you or that might be useful to him, especially if he is talking to this mentor guy, he could be sharing God knows what with him and he, the mentor, is definitely not to be trusted, no matter how trustworthy your husband may have been in the past, please ca' canny now

When he says you’re only interested in his money I would say he’s the one who is a kept man, you’re working your arse off, his parents are paying some of the bills whilst he just concentrates on his hobbies. Its time he gets it in his head that his business is not making money and he needs to get off his arse to help support his family.

You still havent answered questions about whether you can talk to his parents about cutting off/tapering off financial support. This is key to him “feeling the pain” and doing something about it

Do you want a house husband? If he was picking up the role properly, would you be happy in the relationship?

If not, I wouldn't suggest or try that route as you might end up in a position you don't want to be in, when it came to divorce.

To answer a few of your points:
My pension is on the low side (total pot probably 50k, in my late 30s), I’m boosting it to 6% contributions from this month (I know still too low but it’s all I can do for now). DH doesn’t really believe in pensions so fuck knows if he’ll ever pay in again. His pot is probably similar currently because he earnt more than me previously.

Savings don’t really exist anymore. I’m putting aside a little that DH doesn’t really know about. I’ve got about 4k squirrelled away.

I’ve mentioned the mentor. DH is VERY against stopping paying for him. I’m going to push it because it is a blatant ridiculous expense. 10% of my pay before tax!

Yes I suppose I could. They are having a tough a time at present with other issues so I am reluctant to bring it up right now, but potentially could in the next couple of months

Yes I was originally thinking of showing him this thread to prove other people agree with me. But I won’t because I’ve shared a lot and I think some could be used against me

I run my own business.i worked under supervision with an agency and got paid a salary for two years then started out in my own. The first year was financially tough but by the second I was making my previous salary for half the work and by the third I was making double that. If his business us not in the black by now its just an expensive hobby, he is LARP’ing as whatever he thinks he’s doing.

Search around and book DH a birthday gift appointment of a financial advisor/expert in making his type of business profitable. There might be some tips that will really help him spend his time and effort in the right direction.

Questions for the advisor..
Is the mentor good value for money?
Has he structured the business in the best way?
Are you or his parentsa partners in the business?
Could he improve his advertising?
Is there more profit in certain aspects of the business?
Could DH upskill and improve prospects, such as specialising in treating teenagers?

Hopefully his business will earn more soon.

Drop the nurery for one day and have DH take on that role until he earns more.

Have you actually RTFT?

@changedmynameagainforthis yes the expression at this stage is ‘keep things close to your chest’ especially anything that could be used against you - blokes can often turn quite nasty if a split up maybe on the cards or they sniff it - kind of you’re with them or you’re not - often not much middle ground

It's been 3 years. The business is costing you money. The parents have had to prop him up financially. It is clearly not working. The business is never going to make money.

This is just a man who doesn't want to work.

When you see it for what it is OP, you might be able to come to a decision. I know what I'd do.

Yes, HD picking up any part time job and or doing more childcare would make a difference.

Just going to see an accountant could be helpful, Op.
With your MIL doing the tax return, your DH doesn't get any yearly expert feedback.

Have you ever asked questions of the mentor?
Your accountant would normally be able to ask questions, or give assessment of the value of the mentor.

Have you discussed it with his parents? Do they realise he's making a loss? If they pulled the plug, would that get him off his arse and back into a job?

If your husband's business is in the red after 3 years, it's not a viable business. It's an expensive hobby. He may as well be an entrepreneur or a rapper. 🙄

No "mentor" is worth 10% of your gross pay. You're being scammed.

Your inlaws are subsidizing your family to the tune of 33%. That's not going to continue forever.

You need to see a lawyer. I don't see how he can claim to be the primary carer when he's spending time on his "business" that requires the kids to be in day care.

You're probably going to burn out sooner rather than later

I would divorce. He wants to be taken care of and that's a bit off-putting, especially when you have kids.

There are so many red flags here it's like Lenin's birthday.

He's opted out of financial responsibility for his family. He has no shame about leeching off his wife and parents. He doesn't pull his weight in the house, nor with childcare. He's dependent on a "mentor" who palpably hasn't done anything useful for him. He's utterly unrealistic about his hobby (as PPs have said, it's not a business). He accuses his wife of being with him for the money (projection much?) and is prepared to see her mental and physical health damaged rather than put himself out.

In your shoes, @changedmynameagainforthis, I'd be planning ONE serious conversation about this and if he didn't have any sincere AND sensible course of action to suggest, I'd be out of the marriage. He's a disgrace.

I think I remember your thread.

I think I am like you, OP, and my DP is like your DH. I pride myself on being self-sufficient and wouldn’t dream of taking (or even borrowing) money from family despite having very well off parents. DP is an only child and only grandchild on one side and has incredibly generous parents and grandparents - it’s just the norm for him to be gifted wads of cash for all kinds of things. Needs a new winter coat? Grandma pays for it. Needs new skis and ski boots? Dad funds them. Decides to embark on a Masters later in life? Parents cover tuition. We’re in our 30s, for reference.

So my advice is to learn to graciously accept your PIL’s generosity and support your DH. If he’s lucky enough to be able to pursue a hobby career subsidised by his parents then don’t deny him that out of principle, as much as it’s your DNA to reject unearned money (as it is in mine).

Doesn’t earn, doesn’t pay into a pension, has no savings, won’t give up hobby job. Has he been sucked into a motivational cult? Massive ick for me and I’d be divorced by now. He can’t say he’s primary child care as he’s running his business. I don’t care how hard up Id be, I couldn’t be with someone this deluded and irresponsible.

What do his friends think about it? Will he have fed them a load of bullshit about his new venture and they've got no idea that he doesn't actually bring in any money? That could be quite emasculating for him.

I can't believe he uses a tenth of your salary to pay for a mentor. That's half a day a week that you spend working to pay that mentor. Insane.

No way should you be paying nursery fees if he's only doing a few hours work a day. When do you qualify for the free hours? (I don't know how it works these days) Once the toddler's in a morning nursery, surely he can just work while she's there.

Does he do the bulk of the school runs?

What do your children make of it all?

I think everything else has already been said.

Can't be that bad then especially as he takes the yolo attitude. He'd be gone from my life for in effect dossing around. Why do his parents enable this man child with handouts?
A fucking life coach 'sort of thing' 🙄can't people live a normal life anymore without paying dome twat how they do it ?

Of course he's against you stopping paying for the mentor, it's like some sort of cult.