I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

At the very least the £6k 'mentor' money could have gone into a savings account, say £2k per child per year. That would give each of your children a good start for either a property deposit or towards uni fees. There would have been £18k in there by now for them.

If your husband been paying this mentor scammer 6k a year, has he been doing it for 3 years now?

He's pissed away £18k just on the scammer. Soon to be 24k. What could that have gotten your kids?

It's way past time to dump this dude. He wants to be babied through life and you've got 3 of your own. Get out before he sucks your pension dry because you stuck around too long. Right now if the kids are in care, he might not be able to claim primary carer. Keep those receipts safe. I would put off the big convo until you've talked to a lawyer.

He’s basically retired without telling you and is now a cocklodger enjoying his daily hobbies at your expense.

As for having an autoimmune condition and not taking his prescribed medications for it;how irresponsible is that;has his mentor encouraged his to stop taking it?

He’s basically retired without telling you

No, he has told her. He has literally told her that he won't earn money, he won't pay the bills and he won't do the childcare.

OP knows all of this already.

This.

If your H was.pulling his weight with the house admin and childcare it would be different but you have the full load.

Honestly what is he contributing to the relationship, he sounds very self absorbed.

You are a single parent to children with the added stress of a lodging husband.

His accusations are admissions @changedmynameagainforthis - he is accusing you of what he is doing to you.

He won't see it like that so there is absolutely no point in speaking to him about it (or tying yourself into a pretzel trying to get him to understand your point of view) but if you are aware you can start to observe him with more seeing eyes. And remember that this mentor is quite possibly working on separating your husband from any support network.

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's really shit

From his perspective, I suspect he sees his parents contribution as part of his.
He doesn't need to stop his hobby job and has carved out a nice life for himself free of the real pressure of self employment or owning a business. He's generating his side of the finances through less traditional means but as he says, the bills are paid so what's the problem........

I think the only way change will come is when the bank of mam and dad dries up. Until then there's no real incentive for him to make his life more stressful.

Could they be providing this excessive support because of his health condition? You said it could cause issues down the line. They obviously have the financial means to do this, perhaps they are thinking ahead and trying to mitigate it?

Sounds like he's a counsellor and the 'mentor' is for supervision, which he's required to have if he's a member of a professional body. So he can't just stop paying for supervision unless he stops counselling, though £6k sounds way too much.

True. But doesn’t like dh is a member if a professional body. There’s been no mention of professional fees being paid.

What qualifications has dh actually gained in the last three years? You could get a degree in that time.

Thing is, there’s loads of groups and scammers like this. MLMs are usually very cult like. Coaches can be similar (I’m sure there are good ones out there, but the industry is rife with grifters). It doesn’t have to be Lighthouse to be similarly problematic.

@changedmynameagainforthis I think you need to consider this aspect of his ‘business’.

Clearly it’s not a viable business. He can’t see it because he’s been pulled into something that is manipulating him. He’s manipulating you, but he’s also being manipulated. It will be hard for him to recognise that he’s being used. He may never recognise it.

Sensible talk about income and profit almost certainly won’t work, because he’s bought into this dream and he believes in it. It’s like brainwashing. In MLMs they coach you on how to bat away any outsiders ‘negativity’ (ie your loved ones realism or concern), so that you stay plugged in, making money for those at the top while losing money yourself.

Don’t let him pull you down with him. These kind of grifters ruin lives. The only reason he’s not gone into debt for this is because of you and his parents.

Come on, none of this is working. Free clients get done when he’s got spare time, a bit like helping your friends lay a new pavement or whatever. The gym and the sauna are not working. Walking the dog is a household chore.

Either he does this with the kids, or he doesn’t do it

And honestly, if the mentor wasn’t gone, I would be. It’s been six months and hes seeing free clients, which is pretty outdated business advice… the mentor is a charlatan, your husbands business isn’t established enough to need a mentor (by about three galaxies) and it’s an absolute pisstake.

If he stopped fucking around, he could do the exact same stuff for his business in two hours after bedtime.

But he’s not going to want his meal ticket to end…

I wouldn't be pulling the youngest out of childcare. While I appreciate it would save you money, it would also give him more of a claim that he is the primary parent. As a pp suggested keep a note of everything you do for the kids so you can show that isn't true.
I would sit him down to talk, but actually ignore the financial side - he isn't going to be persuaded on that, because as far as he is concerned you are managing. You need to point out that one of three things has to give. Your health, his "job" or your marriage. Make it clear that you are done compromising your health and well being and that leaves him with 2 options. Give him a couple of days to weigh it up, but he has to decide to either contribute to the household or accept that he has killed your marriage with his choices. Don't tell him he has to give up the "job", but make it clear he has to be contributing 50/50 to both finances and the running of the house. If he gives 2 shits about you he will do something. If he doesn't you're better off knowing now. You're already 3 years in, don't give up another 3, as well as your physical and mental health.

How on earth can he take himself seriously! I mean FFS hes sponging off you and his parents to boot.I think he sounds spoiled rotten by Ma and Pa.I would be having a talk, and tell him if nothing changes by the Summer youre off. Everyone feels a lovely little job which endorses YOLO would be ideal.Apart from anything else hes not doing any night wakings? Please dont tell me hes not doing chores or cooking?

I would stop paying any bills his business incurs, gym membership etc and explain if he wants to prop up his failing business then he needs a job and stop kidding himself. His mum is doing the books so they know it’s not viable but they are enabling him and cushioning from the truth.
You have carried him for three years, you’re exhausted and the baby is in full time childcare even though he only works two hours a day. You feel you have an extra child because he is not being a responsible adult and you feel like a single parent. You’re struggling because he has his head in the sand and you are the one carrying the load, it’s eroding your feelings towards him because you feel so resentful towards him.
If he wants his parents to carry on paying his way then he should move in with them.
I think a few weeks with them would be a wake up call for him tbh!

OP don’t feel bad about how this situation has crept up on you. Instead of showing him the thread you could use some of the arguments that other posters have presented when you sit down to discuss it.

I think the fact that he’s being supported by his parents (not unusual in our generation) but won’t be in a position to support his own children (more unusual, as most are making retirement and other saving prep for young adult children) is quite powerful. It might make him look at it in a different way.

You’ve supported him for three years so don’t let him gas light you when he tries to make out you are a money grabber.
He may try to frighten you regarding dc that he will keep the house and the kids but he needs to be earning money to pay the mortgage plus if he feels work is too stressful how would he manage! If he starts making these threats don’t react just go along with his delusions. Tell him coming home to a peaceful flat will be marvellous and that it will enable you to join the gym in the evenings. Take the wind from his sails, I’d even go so far as to look pleased that you can cancel your baby’s child minding as with only one of you working you can’t afford it.

Wow thank you for everyone’s comments. I wasn’t expecting so many. I will be back to update once we’ve had a proper discussion, but I already feel a bit better now I realise I’m not being unreasonable. Something really does need to change.

would it help if you put it on paper: DH, your business has, minus expenses and taxes, generated X amount. Pretty much 0, right?
DH, even if you had worked a minimum wage job, in 3 years, the family would have had XXX amount. If you had worked a medium wage job, we would have..

If you continue the 'business' that is clearly going nowhere, in 10 years that's..

@changedmynameagainforthis if you could tell us what the business is and about the mentor, you may find ppl here have experience of it and could offer more advice. I doubt it so niche that you’ll be identified.

Good luck with your talk @changedmynameagainforthis and @G5000 has an excellent suggestion- write up the expenses and income from your DH’s business (as far as you’re aware) to show him the true situation. He can’t argue with numbers, although he may try.

Your life would improve significantly if you went it alone. From experience of a similar situation.

So small update, we’ve had a little back and forth today and apparently the reason the business hasn’t made enough money is because he hasn’t put in enough effort due to time management issues that he is working on… which has basically pissed me off more?!

Saying he hasn’t really been trying? So I imagine he will now say that he will knuckle down and he just needs x more months to see results 🤦🏻‍♀️

Yeah, that's a pisser. He's not really covering himself with glory.

Cut your losses OP.
Get the ball rolling for divorce. Don't keep putting yourself through this crap. 💐

Absolutely do not agree to this. When he first started would be the time when he was most motivated. But no, he pissed around doing the bare minimum.
No, he is workshy and now needs a job. Just state you will be paying only a portion of all bills and he must do the rest