I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

Saying he hasn’t really been trying? So I imagine he will now say that he will knuckle down and he just needs x more months to see results

No, that's not good enough.

It's time for him to either get a full time job or take on the housework and childcare to free up childcare costs and work life balance for you.

If he won't do that then you know that he doesn't care about you and this is not a partnership. For me it would signal the end of the relationship because of the lack of respect.

More structure will help him to manage his time more effectively-that’s the case with most ppl tbh, I certainly need some structure.

So he can take over certain childcare responsibilities to save more (X hours) and find a job, any job, to bring in some money.

His remaining time can be spent building up his business. If it’s not in far better shape in a few months, call it a day on the business.

Tbh, he doesn’t sound well-suited to running his own business, you need to be organized.

He can't do the night wakings because of ill health? That's convenient for him...

@changedmynameagainforthis how the hell can you be after money when he pays zero, his parents pay a third and you pay two-thirds? Bloody hell he’s done a number on you x

I work with plenty of musicians with an ‘alternative/hippy ’ lifestyle - the thing 90% have in common is the philosophy of ‘what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine too’

So he's admitted he's had 3 years of coasting while you continue to put in 100%? You could tell him that given that, unless he can show that he can put real effort by doing a full time job while he works on this business he needs to completely give up on the business and put some effort into letting you coast for 3 years. But you aren't prepared to give him a second chance without a full time job because 3 years is too long for him to have abused your good will.

LTB

Sweet Jesus. His parents cover 1/3 or your costs. £500 to allow his to continue with his hobby (i mean…’business’).

What happens if his parents are unable to support him?

I’ve been in a very similar situation. My exH ditched well paid job and started something on his own, partly due to serious health issues, partly due to burnout, partly due to his own ego.

That carried on for about 5 years and if i dared to point out the realities (e.g. little profit) i was called unsupportive and negative, apparently if only i believed in him all would be well.

We got to the point where I was asking him how are we going to pay for childcare and all and his answer qas still the same, I just have to believe in him.

Stress of it all kept me up at night (and i generally sleep like a log, anywhere).

I am happily divorced now.

If your DH doesn't believe in pensions, how does he expect to fund his old age?

He sounds utterly unbearable.

I’ve mentioned the mentor. DH is VERY against stopping paying for him. I’m going to push it because it is a blatant ridiculous expense. 10% of my pay before tax!

After the 'time management' update, I would now say I was not providing the money to pay the mentor anymore. He is clearly no good since he's allowed his client to arse about and be unproductive for two years. Continuing to pay him would be outrageous. He will have to ask his parents for the money if it's so important to him. He must NOT reduce any other household contributions, or that results in immediate filing for divorce.

Frankly I think you need to cut him loose altogether, but I would do the above as a first step because the idea of paying this charlatan for a single month more is abhorrent. Then get your ducks in a row to be able to split when he finds - surprise! - that he is still struggling with putting the time in. I wrestle with time management but I have the sense to know I should never run my own business. It would be a disaster. His YOLO life is at the expense of your quality of life.

I see what people are saying about just stopping paying for things, but he will just pay from his personal account, getting into his overdraft again. I literally can’t stop him. Then every so often he gets mummy to clear his overdraft.

Ick.

I started my own company around the same time. There have been ups and downs with it but on the side I also work in live music and have plenty of work available. I choose not to take most of that as its as far from family friendly as you can get for a job. So I have my own small company.

What we have noticed is the benefit of being available. I can pick the kids up from school. Go to any appointment. My father in law has dementia and recently went into a home. I can go visit him most days and take him out for his appointments or just for company.
I can pick my wife up from work. I should have the house sorted and dinner ready too but that part im not so good at all the time though I always try.

If I worked for someone we would really struggle to have that time and flexibility.

Does you husband have that flexibility?

Of course there are times I have meetings set with clients but as the majority of my work is advisory even thats flexible.

What i have done recently to help bolster our income is work the stock market. Over the last year weve managed to add far more than I could have earnt at a job just through clever stock trading.

Talk to your husband and see if he can't expand on what he is doing or look to diversify his work.

If he is talking to companies please reach out to me on a pm. Id be happy to spend an hour talking with your husband and seeing what else he could be doing to pick up new clients.

I had a lot of help when I started and id be happy to pay it forward if it helps.

So let him. It'll be how many grand in your pocket over the year?

OP - do you know who this ‘mentor’ is? Because if it’s a business one then it clearly isn’t working - ‘if’ it’s life coach/cult type thing I certainly wouldn’t be happy paying that out when he’s earning so little -

I work in music industry too and know a lot of people with very much portfolio/ jobs:careers - the big difference is as I’m sure you know they do lots of bits of flexible things that they can drop if they have a tour etc - so I know a fair few who do a bit of photography, cabbying, ‘extras’ for film/TV - I think the problem with OPs husband isn’t so much his business it’s the lack of adding to the business with maybe some casual work on top - he doesn’t sound as if he has much if any work ethic and wants that ‘alternative’ life, which is fine if you are all on board ,but OP doesn’t sound remotely as if she is - personally I would be gone if he can’t accept that she doesn’t want a partner doing a bit of something

if he only does a couple of hours of 'work' then he can easily do that while also in full time employment.

Ick. I couldn't bear to sleep with this man.

I agree he’s BU. I also don’t agree that the sexes could be reversed as some pp have suggested. No where have I ever heard about a bloke that’s the main earner and does the majority of childcare and or housework. They just seem to manage not to let themselves get into that situation.

I think you had to give him an ultimatum op - otherwise it won’t change. Your resentment will eventually kill the relationship off.

Your husband has ADHD and he is delusional.
The mentor is feeding him absolute crap and laughing all the way to the bank. He clings to the mentor because his ADHD means he doesn’t have the executive functioning to get into 2nd gear with his business, and never will. The mentor is like the leader of a cult and your husband is totally dependent on him.

i am sorry this is your situation. Unlikely your husband will realise what’s going on. The mentor will just gaslight him as your husband is paying him an income that he doesn’t want to lose.

hopefully it’s not one of those awful life coach things where everyone on the website has their “trauma” and “recovery” story, showing how strong they are, and it’s their “lived-experience” which makes them perfectly qualified to scam your husband out of thousands of pounds.

You mentioned using chat gpt, have you tried putting his business model into chat gpt and asking if its an MLM? Because honestly it sounds so scammy! Im guessing this is basically paying a mentor, to teach you how to be a mentor. So basically a pyramid scheme for 'coaching'.

And im sorry but an autoimmune condition that allows you to have that much physical ability, means he could work. He loves the gym, why not be a personal trainer! Or he could be a dog walker if he does that anyway. Literally anything to bring in some cash. He sounds more physically fit than most people so I fail to see why he cant get a job, and saying he doesn't want to just isnt good enough. Unless he has a permanent money tree its not an option.

But you cant force him to work, you can refuse to participate. I think you need to draw a line in the sand and say if you arent financial contributing by a set date, we will begin to separate finances with divorce. Otherwise you are looking at supporting him, never being able to save and eventually your pension will also support him too. You need to decide if thats truly what you want to spend the rest of your life doing, exhausting yourself to fill his pot so he can frivolously do what the hell he likes and expect everyone else to pick up the pieces.

I’m sorry but he is exactly like my ex. I had excuses for years. The promises never amounted to anything. It’s just gaslighting. And yes his parents also subsidised him and still are. He won’t be the main parent if you split as he’s too selfish and presumably his health condition would mean he couldn’t have the baby overnight.
What does 50:50 financial split look like now and what will it look like in 5-10 years when you’ve stuffed money in your pension, paid off equity and got some savings. Agree with pp its is stressful not knowing if or when he will contribute. There is a lot to be said for taking back control of your life and finances. I was actually better off when ex left as he was costing more than he contributed.
I do know many women where the agreement was they would work and financially contribute and then they don’t. This isnt about sahp where the couple have agreed to that arrangement it’s about one person holding the other to ransom where there was not an agreement one would financially carry the other. A partnership is where you make decisions together not have them forced on you by one person opting out of a previous understanding.
One thing you can do is stop hiding it - I was embarrassed and covered up for ex when people asked about his business. He used my hard work to give the impression he was more successful than he was. I wish I had just spoken up to friends and family and said he was earning no money and maybe that would have had an impact. But as he’s spoilt, deluded and entitled maybe not.

OP - his mentor… are they female? How often does he interact with them?

I mean he’s absolutely taking the piss regardless. Get that savings fund squirrelled away somewhere you won’t have to declare it. And do a credit check on him and yourself. Make sure he’s not accruing debt you don’t know about or taking it out in your name. I get the impression this will get worse before it gets better.

Let him. Eventually his parents will get fed up and stop subsidising him. Save the money for your dc, that will add up over the years.

This, abso-fucking-lutely.

You are all in a carriage which is rolling down the cliff. He is unwilling to do anything about it. So you need to get out and save what you can for you and your kids. He can run his business from cardboard box (or, more likely, from a bedroom in his mummy and daddy’s house).

This is bringing back some flashbacks for me😬