I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

I really feel for you. Your husband is not being fair to you.
I favour the suggestion of talking to your DH, making it clear your absolute limits (ie time limit on his 'project'), and also talking with or without him, to his parents about your situation.
You are not being unreasonable at all about trying to keep your family, and yourself afloat right up to and including your retirement

Yes, let him. He should pay his way and if that comes from his parents then so be it.

It sounds like you are starting to make excuses for him now OP.

Do you actually want to make some changes here or not?

It you flip the genders make sure you add that the dad is also doing most of the parenting of the babies he gave birth to who are still young enough to be waking at night.
Can you imagine a chronically ill woman who can’t care for her babies because she pours her energy into a hobby instead?

op, if he says youre only in it for the money you say actually no I’d feel totally differently if we shared parenting but we don’t. Your energy doesn’t go into either our family or funding us, if it doesn’t pay anything it’s a hobby- all your energy goes into your hobby. Any woman would be unhappy and there’s nothing money grubbing about it.

Maybe you can’t stop him but you’ll have 6k more in your own reserve. It’s time to put your oxygen mask on op. The more he puts on his parents the more obvious it will be to them that they can’t continue supporting his delusions.

Tell your partner that you want to join his YOLO plan and ask him how he’s going to help you achieve it

A mentor person who costs £6k per year and hasn't helped your dh actually make a profit in 3 years of "full time" work is a con artist not a mentor.

(Like PPs, I also think it's an MLM/ponzi scheme - literally no MLM or ponzi scheme describe themselves as such, but if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck...)

Anyway, your dh is either very gullible or a CF or probably both.

And if he's got "time management issues" after 3 years of this nonsense, he's just not cut out for self-employment of any kind.

Agree with @VivX - the man is a complete fool and has been totally suckered by this so-called mentor. Mentor my arse. Con artist more like.

You said above that you resent there not being any money for treats. If you stop paying for his stuff and he gets mummy to cover it, at least you'd have money to spend on yourself for a bit, or put into college funds for your kids, or get legal advice on how to separate to your and the kids' best advantage.

Can you imagine a chronically ill woman who can’t care for her babies because she pours her energy into a hobby instead?

This is such a good point. I’d wager no woman ever has done this. Not one.

flipping sexes is such a good way of realising firstly how awful it is and secondly how our expectations of men are so so low compared to that of women.

you make a good point. No woman would ever treat her male partner like this, and more, he would never ever tolerate it anyway.

In case it makes a difference - I have ADHD. I also am self employed at a job that I've been doing for ten years before I quit the day job to go full time - and I'm only doing THAT now because I've only got two years before my pension kicks in and I'm not financially responsible for anyone but myself and the dog.

And I know what I'm doing and don't need to pay some bloke to jolly me along inefficiently. ADHD isn't always a bar to having your own business, but it does mean you need to have extra measures in place to stop you fucking around in all the spare time.

Wrong thread.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat
why are you rambling on about ADHD? her DH is just a lazy selfish scrounging twat. He’s paying a ‘mentor’ £6k pa for the last 3 yrs, surely they should have got his ‘business’ up and running by now?
Stop using ND as an excuse for lazy useless men.

ADHD's one of the many catch all excuses for shitty, useless behaviour nowadays

I think we should all stop describing this as a business. It’s a HOBBY clearly
One that this parasite is making his partner and his parents pay for. On top of all his other financial obligations

Because a lot of people earlier in the thread were saying that ADHD might explain why he was suffering with timekeeping. It did not originate as a suggestion with me, if you go back and look.

Are his parents in good health, or do you need to add in potential inheritance tax on all the money they’re giving you to your future costs?

I bet his “mentor” is feeding him that shite. There’s always a reason why it’s not taken off, always something else to try, always some personality trait to work on and then it’ll all fall into place. It’s entirely in the mentor’s interest to keep your DH hooked on this path because for as long as he does, the mentor gets £6k/year.

It’s a scam. If your DH hasn’t turned a profit in 3 years, and can’t attract clients who pay it’s because what he’s offering isn’t worth paying for. I’m guessing he’s looking for clients who will pay him £6k/year to mentor them, but most people can see right through it.

I set up a private practice after qualifying as a psychotherapist. It took approximately 4 months to start turning a profit, and for me to have a waiting list of clients from word of mouth recommendations. If he’s qualified, good at what he does and there’s a need, he’ll make money.

Id knock it on the head right now, get your ducks in a row and be prepared to walk before he tears the whole house down in his efforts.

@changedmynameagainforthis I don't think I'm the only one who's concerned you're just going to roll over and accept this, and keep bankrolling your idiot husband's 'business' for another year while he bleeds you dry and your health suffers because of you overworking yourself. Please feel empowered to stop paying his share, and start putting some money aside for your dc.

People have said that the mentor is scamming him etc, but actually I think your husband is the scammer here, HE is scamming you and your dc. Protect yourselves from this treacherous man.

Hope your weekend talk goes well.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat he has only mentioned timekeeping now OP is asking questions

From what @changedmynameagainforthis has explained so far, he would ask his parents (and consider that as him "providing" essentials).

@changedmynameagainforthis You have the patience of a saint to have tolerated his BS for so long.

When you go through the accounts with him, don't let him get away with any creative accounting about savings or profits that will NEVER materialise.

I feel for you. I was married to one like this. He seemed to have an answer or excuse for everything.

In the end I cracked and divorced him. Interestingly, he was suddenly able to earn consistently when it was necessary for his survival.

Both your husband and this “mentor” are laughing their fucking arses off at you. £12k a year on the mentor and childcare for him to sit around talking shite? Wow.

Lazy fucker.

373 rd post nails it.
Its £12k

Your H is currently acting like my 10yo - everything is paid for and sorted out for him, he only has to worry about whether he can buy himself more crap with his pocket money. Actually I take that back - my 10yo asked for more chores to earn more pocket money this week so already has a better work ethic than your dead weight H.

Call his bluff - at your weekend finance review, tell him you’re about to get fired due to poor performance due to stress. See what his response and plan is. If it’s ’well you’ll just have to get another £60k job’, you know where you stand.

I am so sorry you’re in this situation. You sound like a nice normal person in an impossible situation. I hope things work out for you, regardless of whether that includes your H.