I think DH should give up on his business

[changedmynameagainforthis]

I’ve posted about this a few years ago. DH quit his job at the end of 2022 after a serious health thing and deciding he wanted to do something completely different. He’s now working as something like a therapist (being vague as outing).

The problem is he is not earning anything enough. When we take into account his business costs we are in the minus for the current tax year.

I work full time with a baby and 2 older primary age children. Earning around 60k. We have a hefty mortgage, so DH has asked his parents to help us out while “he finds his feet with the business”. They have given us thousands and thousands of pounds. I am super uncomfortable about it, but I can’t support a family of 5 by myself with the costs we have. They contribute about 1/3 of our household costs at present. I pay 2/3.

Here is the problem. I think DH should get a job and pay his own way. DH thinks there is no problem, everything is paid for, so why should he.

In a way he is correct, everything is paid for. But I am so resentful. I hate having most of the responsibility, whilst also doing all the baby night wakings (DH can’t because of health condition…). When I got pregnant with baby the aim was I’d go back to work part time. That obviously hasn’t happened.

I don’t know how to get him to see that this isn’t working for me. Anyone got a way of making him see that his parents paying his way isn’t ok? Or am I missing the point entirely and he’s right?! Last time we discussed it he fobbed me off and suggested I’m only with him for money

He would need to be a complete house husband, with doing all childcare for this to work for me. There is no way I would pay for nursery and after school clubs when he is at home. He could see clients in the evening. He would also need to fit the gym around you or use a crèche. Maybe he needs a weekend job too. He is being quite lazy here. He should definitely be helping at nights if his condition changes then readjust. I couldn’t take money from his parents.

Maybe tell him yes - you need to control it as it's all been one way for 3 years and he's selfishness is fritting away your hard work and your children's futures on just himself.

his 'mentor' who can't be very good if they are costing more than the 'business' is making!

Oh mentor is clearly very good as he himself gets paid for nothing 😁

His mentor is very clearly shit. Not least for the fact that your DH isn’t actually working / earning a living - but any business coach worth their salt ALWAYS advises not to take clients for free. It devalues you in their eyes. It will NOT lead to future referrals.

Is his business a time for money type enterprise (like a therapist)? If that - it doesn’t take anything like this amount of time to scale. If the client base exists and he has the skills they need he would have a business after 6 months. This is bullshit and he is a lazy sod.

How about suggesting you give up your job to do the dog walking and child minding so he can devote himself to 8 hours on his 'business'? Tell him it's your way of showing support and putting him in control?

suggesting that he might want to rethink it is me “trying to control everything”

Well, someone has to control things before he spaffs away not only your hard-earned money but his parents' lifetime savings. He sounds like a bolshie teenager in that exchange and you have enough on your hands with three young children to support and bring up.

brilliant. Suggest exactly that, let's see how he likes to be in control.

I agree. Maybe it is time to take control. He won’t like it. No more excuses. Categorically state that you are not going to pay for the mentor, gym, sauna etc whilst he’s not bringing in any money. You’ve supported him for three years and he’s no nearer earning a living than day one.

I don’t think you’ve been a mug, but have tried to be compassionate and supportive. However, something has made you wake up and realise that his dream is still, a dream, and hasn’t matured into a business.

He sounds like a lazy, immature grifter! We would all love to live YOLO but life isn’t like that -especially with 3 children. I have 2 children, work full time (with a immune issue) and “magically” get up with my children / work nights sometimes / do my share round the house

The whole situation as it currently stands would give me the ick and l would probably cut him loose. I would quit sooner rather than later so he can’t get his sweaty paws on your pension, claim he’s a “carer”, he’s too sick to work etc etc

You might want to check the potential inheritance tax implications of the gifts from his parents, particularly if they are elderly.

Go part time and just leave it at that? Why are you carrying the whole load? What if YOU got ill?

With 60k salary you are totally able to live by yourself, but then you would not get you in laws money to help, and your husband will not be there to help with the kids (no matter how little - its still better than nothing). So you decide... I personally cant believe you brought a third child into this mess.

Sit him down for a frank discussion. YOLO is great for him. However, with him dropping his share of the responsibilities, you aren't living at all let alone once. You are surviving or existing and you are exhausted shouldering the bulk ofcthe responsibilities. Things need to be more equal - childcare, household chores and running, funding.

Unless you want your child in day care for socialising and learning, then say you want to stop or reduce that so you can save those fees. He'll need to adjust his dog walking and gym visits to accommodate.

Ask him when he expects to see a positive return from his "business". He can't continue to spend money you don't have. Making a loss is spending family money. See if he will agree to another eg 6 months and if no positive return, then he has to find a job and work on his business outside of that.

I’m sorry OP but your husband sounds like a spoilt, petulant, sponging arse. And pretty thick too if he thinks this ‘mentor’ is anything other than a chancer

you can’t forge a life with someone who isn’t prepared to act like an adult.

It’s not Lighthouse is it? I would be very worried if so

www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m001kvf7

A final thought from me. How hard is it to find a therapist (or similiar) compared to finding a plumber or electrician?
How many plumbers/electricians have a 6K 'mentor' for their business?
If he works 2 hours a day for 52 weeks of the year, what would his hourly rate need to be to pull in 60k a year? Something like £115 an hour. That's not taking account of the 6k mentor fees too. Currently he works for free -are clients going to start forking out 115 quid an hour for his expertise?

Oh dear

It’s been a bad read but I have thought some peoples pipe dream businesses I know in the past were crazy and they actually turned out to be successful! So there was an element of doubt.

Then I read free clients. I have a successful business, free clients never become actual clients. Actually it makes them less likely to. Even a long free initial consultation hits conversion rate. We have to keep it super short and nippy because if you give them too much (which we don’t but they know so little they think we have); then they obviously aren’t going to pay 1000s for your actual wisdom.

Really bad mentor (probably scam artist) and not a goer in its current form imo

Why is he working for free? He should never work for free. The clients will most likely not transition to paying. When you are doing your finance discussion suggest he start charging the low end rates of the industry he is working in. He could have a tiered charging rate, an introductory package, a bulk session package with eg 6 sessions for a 10% discount. What is his planned fee structure? What is his business plan? Success doesn't come from dabbling here and there, it comes from planning, setting goals and putting effort in.

This is uch a difficult situation for you and I can understand how you feel.

However I have to say that autoimmune diseases, eg lupus, are managed far better if the patient reduces stress and is able to relax. That is a fact. As a result of him doing this he will stay quite well and live longer which will be good for the children.

It sounds as though you both do a lot in the home and you do more life admin than is fair. Maybe he could take on some of that.

Breaking up your home, divorcing, sounds very drastic and I doubt the children would be happy about that.

You must find a satisfactory compromise.

I am encouraged that you have been able to squirrel away some money, keep that up.

@LBFseBrom As far as I can see, it is the OP who is already doing all the compromising, and the DH who is refusing to compromise on anything.

He has fallen so far down the rabbit hole with this scam of a buisness plan, pay mentor to tell him how to mentor on a promise things will pick up soon and he will soon be rich as he. Brainwashing. What on each is you DH coaching clients about their life? How to get away with freeloading off their wife & parents?

If he has been seeing that mentor for 3 years that's £18k thrown in the bin. He could have got an actual useful qualification with that time and money. Training or qualification with an actual end date and progression. Not just an endless money pit, just to be told how well he is doing and how he is on the right path. They give a regular ego boost and get them excited and the mugs part with money cos they want more of that feeling. This mentoring will not end with him being a master of anything. It will continue until his eyes are opened as to how much of a complete fool he has been all along.

Right now you got 4 babies not 3. But the man baby is more freely able to spend your cash than your bio DC on saunas and the likes, and comes with a bigger appetite. On the plus side at least you are receiving child maintenance from his parents. Phew.

Get rid before they have no more child maintenance left to give and your pensions become less equal so you end up having to give him half in a divorce. Let him run his own future into a caravan without taking you there with him. Dont believe in pensions 🙄 he'll believe in living off yours though won't he. If you found your equal on closer to your salary you would be living a decent life on your salary. With him that will never happen

I’d be embarrassed if I was him, allowing my wife and parents to pay for everything. Tell him to get a minimum wage job if necessary. It’s about £23k full time. Tell him to start putting his money in the family pot.

I’d also ask his parents why they’re enabling him wasting their money on a dead end business.

Sounds like my exH. Very selfish manchild.

The court in a divorce will say you stayed so accepted the situation and his contribution will be treated equally. He will of course say he was the main carer. ExH also did the twisting it round to make me the one at fault for calling him out on it - look up DARVO. Remember it’s his selfish behaviour that is the problem not your reaction to his behaviour. He knows you won’t not pay the mortgage or not put your dc first - this is his leverage. It’s uncanny how these selfish men with a dream always end up with a hard working sensible partner and not a fellow penniless dreamer.

if he was single and claiming UC there would be an assumed income floor for his self employment which is equivalent to fulltime min wage so he needs to be earning at least that.

Id be looking to cut out the nursery fees and getting rid of the dog and having the most basic food (your kids are young so won’t mind), no gym, no saunas, no tv packages etc. cut back your contribution to just essential bills and food after his parents contribution. Keep your money separate - I know it’s hard to do this after it being joint but I will always regret mixing finances with someone who was financially incontinent who took advantage. keep any spare money you save for yourself / your exit fund. Don’t worry about having to share it in a divorce by the time you’ve paid legal costs or set up a separate house there won’t be much left. You aren’t his parent and as long as his basic needs are met it’s not financial abuse not to share any excess.

I would tell you to leave but it’s not easy with dc that age and I didn’t until dc were older and I could manage as a single parent - but that cost me in the financial settlement as the higher earner. I got no credit for paying down the mortgage. Don’t assume he will have dc much at all if you separate as selfish men don’t - he will probably get a job and tell you he can’t have dc as has to work and pay rent - and so he can look solvent to lure in the next victim.

He is manipulating your feelings.. " you married him for money"......he is taking money from your kids mouths that could be benefiting them. This family should be about his children not his wants and needs. So stop arguing, explaining, cajoling. Use subtle actions instead. "Forget" .. silly me, to do things that accomodate him e.g. paying memberships. If he is lamenting to you nod then slowly back away from his problems/ " success". If he wants u to do something for him point out you are in the middle of something or can do it in an hour. If he rings or texts you frequently be unavailable at that time/ ignore calls or leave on voicemail. Do it very subtly. Allow his life to have challenge in it. Kids needs come first not his. He may start to refuse picks ups etc but ring his parents and ask them ever so kindly.

He needs to give up the business and contribute to tge family in other ways and ease your burden.

This is a complete piss take. Why are you putting up with this shit?