DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

Have you read the whole thread? Her house isn't a mess, she isn't making shit meals, her husband is abusing her.

Take any sort of acceptable employment while you still hunt for the ideal one.
It will look better on your resume.
Have you engaged an employment agent?

Once employed, suggest your DH take three weeks off to destress - walk in nature, take long baths and pick up more child related tasks. He sounds toxicly tired and in need of an urgent refresh in kindness.

The manosphere stuff is really worrying and a friend of mine is going through the same with her husband (despite in her case being the breadwinner, or perhaps that makes it worse too). I fear we're moving into a time when things we took as settled matters in the UK (such as the equality of the sexes) are back on the table.

This is good advice OP. Once you are no longer living with someone who emotionally and mentally abuses and manipulates you, you will feel much better. You sound completely downtrodden , not incompetent .

You will get half of your combined pensions of £1.1M and all the other matrimonial assets, such as your house . I suspect he has money hidden from you as a man of 55 who earns £250k PA should have WAY more than 900k in his pension.

You can speak to your divorce solictor about getting an order for your husband to go paying the school fees for the children. Because I suspect he will threaten to stop paying them as a way to punish you for leaving him.

I can see you’re in a shitty marriage but to state a £250k salary will keep the wolves from the door is woefully out of touch.
Divorce him and be done.

Tbh, I feel like her behaviour to him is.... well not abusive but at least highly exploitative.

OP says herself he was a kind, gentle, caring person.

They made joint, agreed, very large financial commitments.

She then dropped out of contributing to those - not her fault as such, but doesn't sound like she is in a hurry to get any job possible. She wants to feel "recognised" and "creative".

What about her DH? He is solely supporting them financially and he has told her, really clearly, for years that he feels trapped, depressed and wants the arrangements to be different. Why doesn't he get to feel recognised? Why can't have fulfilment?

IF he is at heart a nice person then his behaviour feels like desperate escalation/ lashing out to try to get the OP to help.

He's tried expressing how he feels, it hasn't worked. OP is still between jobs, hosting dinner parties, volunteering, while he feels trapped in a role that is making him unwell.

Of course his behaviour is not okay. But neither is OP's! And if he needs to get help for his horrible moods, why doesn't the OP need to start coping with her ADHD? If he deserves to be taken to the cleaners, why doesn't the OP?

There's so much going on here.
Firstly, you have held extremely competent roles throughout almost all of your adult life, so he can't talk down to you on the basis of a vulnerable but brief menopausal period for you during which you haven't worked. I also know how stressful it is getting your kids into highly competitive public schools etc. So yes, he's probably stressed (earning £250K is not easy, but particularly not easy if you're overachieving versus your natural level of stress or performance - is he?), but so are you stressed, sensitive to the growing professional imbalance between you as a couple when all the home stuff is on you.
Anyone will tell you the meno years are awful - for me it was 10 years before I went back to my pre-meno self mentally (confidence, able to perform under stress), intellectually (clarity of thought), and physically regained the fitness and lost the weight. So expect a long haul on that, but with light at the end of the tunnel.
But what you have is normal and temporary, whereas he just sounds horrible, intolerant, unkind and possibly permanently so. Not sure what you want to do about it, but let's be clear that that's the situation that needs addressing. Not just you getting a job (if that's what you want), but him learning to be a husband.

What do you think the OP has done that deserves her being taken to the cleaners? Specifically. And how is she exploiting him?

If not this, then a change in circumstances.
It is amazing what that throws up.

Go away for 3 days. Cheap hotel.
More or less go no contact to everyone.
See what happens.

@Clawsible can you get a facial and go to the gym regular . Small self care to help you feel better. .
If you are feeling better you may also interview better .
once you secure that job give him his divorce . His 900k pension will be 550k split after you have combined both .
He’s clearly unhappy and taking it out on you.
Sit with him and brain down chores /jobs he will be taking on once you are back to work .

Oh and next time he is horrible tell
him to piss off also start saying NO.

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@Clawsible Haha I would like my dh to answer you. He doesn't like what I cook so he makes his own meals mostly (later than us). I'm shit at cleaning- but I do my best so not lazy. I have been a sahm for 16 years which has let him focus on his job. We have 2 dc teens, one autistic so hard work. My dh knows that if I was to work he would have to step up at home. He's gone a couple of days every week as well. DS1 is not independant. I have to take him to special school (50 min) and that is on the days when he doesn't have a "problem" so that he has to stay at home.

People react in different ways: some feel sorry for me, others for dh. But we are both happy with our division of labour. He "only" makes 70k so we are living accordingly.

What would make all the difference in your case is the private school fees. It's not reasonable that your house is falling apart while you spend so much on school. If your dc went to state it would take the financial pressure of your dh and you would be living a really good life with a 250k salary. That's 180k more than we have per year and I think we're fine.

I would be frustrated too in DH’s position

However nice he was in the beginning OP, DH is now a massive arsehole.

I wonder if you wouldn’t be happier apart? I can see you wouldn’t want to separate before the end of your kids’ school. However this is not a healthy environment for them.

Btw can you really not cook or is DH being a twat? My money is firmly on the latter.

@Clawsible oh and why do you let yourself be gaslit into thinking your cleaning and cooking is shit? I'm sure it isn't. My dh doesn't like my cooking but his mul is a chef so he's been used to a certain standard. He should not get away with badmouthing you infront of the children !!!! It hurts the whole family.

I agree. He may not have always been like this but he’s now just a bully.

Exactly. And if cooking’s not your thing that’s what Cook is for.

You’re not pulling your weight by far and you seem very complacent about it.

Your husband should not talk to you like that, but I suppose that when he was asking nicely, you did not pay attention.

She is exploiting him by expecting him to keep funding a very expensive lifestyle that they both committed to, despite the fact he has told her he feels he can't do it anymore, mental health wise.

Some people are abusive bastards, for sure. But the OP says herself her husband was a lovely gentle man - then he got to finding it all too much work-wise - tried telling her this - but there has been no change.

Imagine saying to your OH, I'm getting older, I can't manage the same level of commitments we've had, I need you to help me by sharing the financial load - and your OH response was for almost two years to volunteer, host dinner parties, etc. Wouldn't you feel desperate?

I don't think OP should be taken to the cleaners but I also really don't think he should either.

People on this thread are looking at him like a money making machine. When you treat someone like they are only there to give you money, then they may lash out.

I think similar questions need to be asked the other way round and blind sympathy to OP does her little favours

Bollocks. She’s still doing ALL the wife work whilst he continually finds fault. If she didn’t do what she’s doing now, all the plates would stop spinning and fall to the ground and smash.

He’s shagging someone else. Any man who gets like this - cherchez la Femme.

Quite. The double standards here rarely fail to astonish me

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Yep, I’d be looking for a divorce too. Absent significant change, enough is (very nearly) enough. What is
getting from the relationship?