DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

It sounds like he has got into the manosphere content. I'm sorry, he sounds like he has become an arse.

My ExH I think got like this.

we married young when we were both just out of uni. We had kids early and he didn’t want them in childcare so I stayed home until the youngest was in school.
he then didn’t want to do any school drop off or pick ups or take any time off in the holidays so I got a job that allowed me to do all of it.
as the kids got older he resented me for not earning as much money as he did but I couldn’t do his hours as he refused to do any childcare at all.

his second wife works in banking and earns a lot of money.

I never earned a lot of money largely because of the constraints he put on me about childcare.

they have two kids now who have both been in childcare since six months, something he used to consider neglectful parenting.

tale as old as time unfortunately.

Yes, it's pointless navel gazing if you've already done years of therapy and not yet moved on to practicalities - but if you haven't done that therapy work yet then you might need to tackle it. Painful though it will be. Otherwise you end up doing tons of practicalities and still end up feeling no better. And when things go wrong instead of feeling strong and resilient you feel paralysed.

It is paralysing to be constantly blamed and criticised for things that aren't your fault. You still are trying to calm and please an irrational person who will not be calmed or pleased, who will not recognise or appreciate the efforts and contribution you have already made. As you probably did with your parent.

I know a high earning household sob story is divisive and not relatable. I really hope a violent childhood is even less relatable.

But three things that are happening to me will happen to most of you.

Not only is menopause coming for us but I’m now competing with AI for white collar jobs. And social media is also pushing the manosphere content in an obsessive way.

I see a rise in misogyny as exemplified by some posters on here perhaps unwittingly but also denial that the job market for anyone who is older and does a job behind a screen is well and truly screwed. I think DH will also be vulnerable to the latter threat as will most of us sadly.

You seem very focused on private school being pivotal to set up your children for success. Spending their formative years in a dysfunctional family dynamic is likely to set them back further than private school will push them forward. Especially if you have girls as their future relationships will be modelled on the example they are watching play out in front of them (including workplace relationships/communication).

He said this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce?

Bloody hell.

And he even criticizes your cooking?

You have became his whipping boy, haven’t you?

It sounds like he does not like you one bit.

Awful man.

Could you contemplate divorce?

How old are your dcs?

Honestly - I think I would just ask for a divorce . Your husband sounds abusive . Putting you down in front of your children is unforgivable. A partner should lift you up and not drag you down.
leave and take half his pension.
you will be FINE! Remember who you are .
you are not his version of you. Leave now before he tears your confidence even more

They say that contempt is one of the most corrosive elements in a relationship because it comes from a place of superiority, anger and disgust. If your H is genuinely contemptuous of you, then without wishing to be pessimistic, I don't see much way back here @Clawsible .

It seems to me like you have so many issues going on and they have all come to a head. Everything is currently so overwhelming that you are caught like the proverbial rabbit in the headlights with the big lorry coming straight at you.

Personally, I think you have to sit down and break aspects of this up into manageable chunks. I think financial self-sufficiency is possibly key to everything here, so if it were me, I would be looking at every single way I could become financially self-sufficient - i.e. get a job. It sounds as though you have reasonably current skills, so you need to hawk your arse around until you find something - even if it isn't exactly what you want. I think this needs to be your all consuming focus for now, because you can't solve anything else until you have a way of potentially becoming independent.

Then you can think if you want to stay with someone who is contemptuous of you and decide if you want any part of the lifestyle that you seem to have got so entwined in that it is making you despise each other.

It is horrible to feel frozen with indecision but you have to find some drive somewhere to tackle this one step at a time.

Clawsible, you sound like a really intelligent, balanced human being, who is giving your children a good start in life (although you need to start having stronger boundaries with their bad behaviour mirroring your husband’s). You sound bullied. Might not be imaginable for you but wondering if taking a sabbatical/ sick leave (your DH) and your family going traveling for a few months wouldn’t help to reset you into a more healthy dynamic. Your DH sounds very unhealthy (mentally and spiritually).

I feel for you, jobs for older people in white collar work are impossible.
I’ve been looking for months and months and can’t get a job…it’s impacting me badly on all fronts. Every role has hundreds of applicants and ageism is rife.
It’s very very difficult times…

I think you should stop applying for roles that are beneath you. Its kind of a compliment that the employers are noting your experience, the jobs will be going to those less experienced that they think will stay and can less to.

but I don’t think the job hunt in this way is helping you, you seem to have low self esteem & confidence. You need some time to work on that a little.

its hard to do but don’t compare yourself to others.

re the kids, you & hubby need a talk & united front. He supports your decisions & no more undermining

One other step you could practically take is to gather up your facts and figures and make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what you would really be entitled to in a divorce.

With a divorce you'd be free either to get whatever job you fancy even if it's not very well paid, or else to take whatever job keeps you afloat financially. Either way you wouldn't have to worry about your DH's opinion of you or your job.

Me too if I’m honest …good luck finding a job OP….i feel for you as well x

I would also consider state schooling for the kids. As for uni, student loans and them working will suffice !

I know it's not what you're used to, but would a night job be good for you? Eg working in a pub, office cleaning, delivery driver, night replenishment at Waitrose? It would get you out of the house away from your awful family.

I'm in a similar position but without the husand or the household income. Maybe that will make you feel better? What I would advise is getting a career coach, wirth the investment. You're never going to do well with a negative nelly round your neck, you need to counteract him.

I think you’re now making excuses, excuses for not doing housework, excuses for not progressing. I work in a male dominated field. Women progress ans you know this.

and you’re being really horrible about your husband. Contemptious, indicating he can’t think for himself and is led by online theories. This is a high earning man so likely intelligent;

his view is you’ve been unemployed for two years now. And don’t do much at home, he comes home to a mess, dinner isn’t good; he’s under pressure to keep going and keep you in the lifestyle you wish so it feels like irs not a partnership, even you don’t know how you spend all day every day, although I suspect you do; you know exactly.

I don’t get the Impression you actually want to work; I think you want to continue as is, and not habe any pressure to do household chores,past the min and make dinner. And he may have rhe same impression.

Maybe start with just any job, instead of holding out for a kick ass one. Even something basic like retail or basic office/admin. Is there nothing like that available?

You will get 50% of combined savings so what he has in his pension is part yours. Frankly it sounds like you should call his bluff and agree with him that it’s time to divorce has he clearly has no respect for you. See a solicitor before hand so you know where you’d land financially. It may be a shock to him if you have the conversation clearly having taken some legal advice.

Not read the full thread but would going temping be a way forward? If you feel you're struggling sometimes you only need to make it to the end of the week. It might help you build a bit of confidence. Also I have been very lucky and have been offered permanent positions on quite a few occasions. They've been the best jobs I have had in my career.

I fully sympathise with housework aspect, I'm a start something and get distracted and start something else. Fortunately my DH cooks and he and DC would never criticise the way the house looks.

Sending you hugs

It sounds like you're still doing everything essential. So your house is a bit messy/cluttered -- so is mine! I also have ADHD. We have to motivate ourselves differently, gamify things. You said you did well at school, why not make a 'curriculum' for yourself, the house, job hunting, etc. As for your husband, he seems like a borderline abusive jerk. There's no excuse to slag off your partner in front of the children. All the while his career and pension have benefited from you taking on the childcare, and yours have suffered.
Hope you find a job soon.

This op. I’m a little older than you and don’t work. Dh does. Nothing to be done at home as kids are adults (none together) and we have a cleaner. Dh couldn’t care less what I do long as I’m happy. Give him his divorce, he’ll be a lot worse off.

What do you DO all day?

I'm in the position of working and being the breadwinner while DH is in between jobs. It's exhausting and the pressure is huge.

It's really not ok to stay at home all day and for the house to not be spotless and for dinner cooked. You don't have babies or toddlers, you have teenagers who sleep through the night and are out of the house the vast majority of the day.

It sounds like you BOTH made some huge financial commitments that you cannot afford. You can sit down and work on them together or divorce. Either way, you need a job.

Your H earns £250k a year and you haven’t got the funds for a haircut?

come on! This isn’t right!

I know your kids go to private school etc, but you yourself said the mortgage isn’t huge, some equity etc, how come you’re scraping by?

get your calculator out and have a look at where the money is going, you need more for yourself than this.

fwiw, I think your h is wrong to treat you like this, it’s also showing your kids that your beneath contempt and they are mirroring him

crack down on that right now. Tell them never to speak to you again like that. And correct him too.

I suspect your happiness and resilience would improve bucket loads if you dropped him from your life

look into the financial side of things, you’re pretty much guaranteed to get the house whether he likes it or not, as you’re the primary care giver.

get your ducks in a row, look at how you could live if you divorce- you’d get half his pension too.

I think that would go a long way to helping you feel less powerless, and if you choose to point it out to him, it might be the kick in the arse he needs to stop being such a wanker.

do you think he could be having an affair? The nastiness and picking fights is a classic tell.

I don’t think he is wrong really. I could see if my husband didn’t work, said he didn’t know what he did all day, the house was a mess, and I got a shit meal when I came home, when I paid all the bills, there would come a point I’d tell him to shape up and get a fucking Job or pull his weight at home, otherwise he could leave.

so I understand the frustration, the op doesn’t even know what she does all day, but she’s falling down on her side of the partnership. It doesn’t take all day to do the laundry and the school runs. And she’s clearly not spending 6 hours a day applying for jobs,

her kids are old enough to do their own laundry, but we all know putting a load in and taking it out is not the equivalent to a days labour, and I doubt the school runs takes several hours either.

so if she’s just messing around, seeing friends, doom scrolling, volunteering at the school,aka hanging out with her mates, etc, and applying for the occasional role, I’d also get to the stage I was contemptuous.