DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

OP is not refusing to get a job. She is desperate to get a job. She is cooking, cleaning, doing all the admin. Honestly feel like some people must be reading a different thread.

Yes but she wouldn’t be excused from being accused if bullying, nasty , behavior for being hypercritical and alienating the children.

And she's not a shit cook.
Her teen doesnt like some of her meals. Big deal. My teen didn't like some of mine so I told him to do his own cooking.
And he did!
Her house isn't a mess. It's just not to her husband's anal standards.🙄

People on this thread are looking at him like a money making machine.

No they’re not they just think he’s a cunt.

I can sympathise about how lack of self esteem affects you, it is corrosive and feeds on every little thing. Having your family put you down constantly just increases your confidence and your ability to act on things that need to be done. I did find that a low dose of sertraline helped me to not get bogged down in the negatives.
If you do some freelance work is there a local women in business networking or support group? Could you volunteer at something other than school to broaden skills?
It does sound like you have grown apart in your outlook on life which is compounding the problem. He sounds as if he wants a perfect hostess, 1950’s housewife wife who also has a well paid job and the ability to manipulate time to get it all done.

He wants that life too—why is she charged with wanting expensive schools for the children?

Okay so genuinely what would you do yourself if you were in his position?

If you tried saying nicely, I need you to share the load and nothing happened? Do you not think there is a point you might get bitter?

I don't think he is coming out of this well tbh. But equally OP has a very light workload compared to many, SAHM to teenagers for 2y. And I really don't get a sense from her of empathy with his stress and depression and burn out. Which started BEFORE he got nasty

Yeah you should ask my middle son about by “strange suppers” by which he means I’m part Italian and expect him to eat things like calamari, guinea fowl and chestnuts,

You are twisting things and you know it. Where does she say that the OP expects him to fund their lifestyle? He is working, she was made redundant and despite trying to get another role, hasn't secured one yet. Continuing to support your family when one partner has lost their job is the bare minimum any parent should do.

She hasn't refused to share the load, she has been unable to financially but has taken on the domestic load. He is using any perceived deficit in this area as a way to abuse her. What does her hosting a dinner party have to do with anything? Are you saying that she isn't entitled to because she doesn't work outside the home?

I think you should divorce.

He will probably divorce you anyway when the kids are older.

yeah I am of the view that this is not worth rescuing - he will not change his attitude that you are his punchbag and he is alienating your kids at the moment as well, I would plan on leaving, sort things for yourself, his pension is also yours so 50% is the starting point, if you take the kids with you and house them then its only going up. Think about where you are at with the mortgage and savings and look at what retirement ages are for you both - ie how accessible are your funds. I think you would find yourself better off without him and financially it would be more equitable.

I suspect he has money hidden from you as a man of 55 who earns £250k PA should have WAY more than 900k in his pension.

I doubt he has always earned that amount to be able to put that much more aside, especially with £60k a year going on school fees. You can only put £60k a year in a pension before the tax relief starts tapering. And you could equally argue, why has OP only got £200k in her pension when she was also earning over £100k. Losing that amount from the household income over the last 2 years, it is not really surprising if he is starting to feel the pressure and as if everything is on him.

‐---

I don't think it is as straightforward as him being an abusive twat and her being an innocent victim. She says herself that he used to be kind. I see a relationship where both parties are contributing to the breakdown in different ways. Two uncompromising individuals who are pinning the blame on each other instead of recognising (and addressing) their own flaws.

For me, this would be time for a 'come to Jesus’ conversation. With a mediator/counsellor ideally to support and keep it non confrontational. Both given the opportunity to clearly express their feelings about the situation and explore whether there is enough love left to salvage the marriage or time to end it.

My own marriage went through very similar about 6 years ago, scarily similar incomes, pressures and behaviours on both sides. We separated for a year with my husband adamant we were divorcing. HRT and counselling for me to accept it. Counselling and living alone for him to see how much I was actuallt doing. He asked to come home, but we stayed living apart for another year while we worked things through and made sure it was the right thing. We now have a far greater appreciation for each other and have learned how to communicate in much healthier ways. Not going to say we are perfect, but it is possible to course correct if both people choose it.

was that level of nastiness necessary? Life doesn’t always go to plan and setbacks happen.

The OP’s self confidence is shot because of, mainly her twat husband, but also having the rug pulled from under her about jobs.

I would feel a bit sorry for myself too.

You are making excuse after an excuse about why you’re not working. There are jobs out there - you may but like doing them but that’s life for millions of us. He has been working hard and consistently for more than three decades and for nearly two years you’ve contributed nothing, financially. For the job he does it will likely involve lots of stress and a lot of hours. He too may be feeling the worry of AI coming for his job. Can you see why he’s feeling frustrated? And no he shouldn’t be slagging you off in front of his kids, he’s an arsehole for that. The toxic atmosphere won’t be great for your kids.

Also, a household income of £250k and you haven’t been able to afford a haircut in 18 months? Can you see how ridiculous that is, on reflection?

Apply for a Council or government job, it'll be less stressful. When I'm down I always say keep plodding. This keeps me going.

What would I do if my husband had lost his job and his confidence and was finding it hard to find another job? Do you know how hard it is to get new jobs in certain sectors past a certain age? I’d give him support of course. Bullying him into the ground won’t help him get a job.

Honestly I think people don’t realise how hard to is to get a job at that age. Firms do not want to take on someone who will be with them for 10 years max and pay them a pension.

Are you reading a different thread or have you always struggled with comprehension????

I couldn’t agree more and I’m seeing this more and more on here.
I’m disgusted at some of these replies and will be reporting

Bingo!

No, I am not deliberately twisting things. I am just seeing different stuff to you. Really, neither of us knows which is right.

I don't see evidence that OP has worked hard to get a job. I see she has applied for quite a few roles in her own sector but opportunities are not there. That is very hard. But I don't see her looking at other options, taking on less attractive work, retraining.

Instead she wants to get a job that makes her feel recognised and creative - well lots of people don't have that luxury! Including her husband.

Of course I don't think she should not have parties because she doesn't work. What a thing to say. It's because of the priorities, surely you can see that? OP says she hasn't had a hair cut for 1.5y but she is spending money on parties. She is stressed about income but she "doesn't know where the day goes" and isn't exactly signing on with a temp agency.

I am not looking for an argument
Don't you honestly see her DH side at all?

And does the detail about the haircut not suggest to you that something deeper going on here?

250k after tax = ~145k - 60k for school fees = 85k. Even in London you can get a cheap haircut for £50. So where is all DH’s money going? Probably into private pensions and investments.

I agree.

Your children are learning very unhealthy and damaging behaviours, and the toxic atmosphere within the family affects them every single day. Any male children will pick up his father’s attitude and absorb his misogyny. You mentioned your daughter SCREAMING at you for cooking the wrong’ food. On what planet is this acceptable… And this will only get worse and is likely to lead to a completely false sense of entitlement which could damage her future prospects, both professionally and with regard to relationships.

Surely you and them would be better off - emotionally if not financially - if you were to divorce? At least inform yourself (eg Divorce for Dummies) and have a one-time consultation with a competent family solicitor. And go from there.

You’re just not seeing what’s in front of you:

I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

Ie: she’s applied for much lower pay roles that she’s overqualified for.

Whatever her DH used to be like he is now bullying her into the ground and using everything against her. He’s basically turned abusive and undermines her at every turn. I also suspect he is squirrelling away money.

Agreed.