DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

I should also add that if you have seriously thought about “ending things” countless times then you are also being dishonest with yourself about the state of your mental health.

If you are genuinely considering this on a regular basis and/or making attempts on your life, you need to be on medication or in therapy or both, urgently.

@Kingdomofsleep I have always had low confidence but this thought I was good at hiding it in later years. He hasn’t created that as such. He is kicking me while I’m down though. I havent told him I have an interview as if I don’t get it, it’s yet another stick. I’m grateful for the security he has provided for me and the DC. Actually I’ve been the one coaching him and writing his promotion bids and tricky emails when bosses were on his back. I’ve benefited from his high earning job but I’ve definitely been the one cheering him on etc. He’s never been one to do that to me even when I had a few brushes with being in the public spotlight and didn’t entirely fuck it up… You’re right though I am venting and I appreciate people allowing me to do that. I don’t have anyone I can talk to in real life at this level.

Please @Clawsible. Go to your GP and get some help with your mental health. Also, have a chat with woman’s Aid and see what help they can give you

https://womensaid.org.uk/

While I agree you husband’s behaviour is somewhat toxic, so is yours. You both sound like neither of you is in love with the other and your marriage is in serious trouble. He clearly doesn’t respect you or what you do contribute to the family and the same for you not appreciating him single handedly financing your family for most of your marriage. Lack of mutual respect is hard to walk back from. My advice OP is get a job any job and then leave him and start fresh. You do not have the luxury of spending another two years finding the “right” job, the market sucks right now, you are not getting any younger and your husband is unwilling to subsidise your share of costs for much longer. Your kids are teens so don’t need much parental supervision, housework shouldn’t be so time consuming, get organised, get a job, ditch the twat husband and get your self respect back.

Have you considered how low hormones in peri/menopause may be affecting you? Low estrogen can cause lack of confidence and loss of self esteem, brain fog and forgetfulness as well as other symptoms. Have you considered HRT (hormone replacement therapy)? HRT could enable you to get you self esteem and confidence back. Suicidal thoughts can be due to low hormones and common at this age. You can get HRT from your GP. Dr Louise Newson is a good source of info as is her app called Balance.

So in that circumstance you would talk to your DH the way OP’s DH talks to her? And think you were justified?

And just so we’re clear OP hasn’t threatened to walk into the sea she simply admitted here she felt like doing so.

Alot of emojis in that, but it's all true op.

You're not even trying to help the OP are you? Just kicking her for your own amusement @CamillaMcCauley

We don't know how the dh speaks to op. Op says "he thinks I'm a shit parent" but not direct quotes. Op basically suggested that a pp implied she was ugly and worthless, when the pp had said nothing of the kind. So we've seen that op can attribute strange ideas to people.

The only indirect quote op said was that the dh had said that he wanted to divorce her because of how she was still unemployed.

And yes, I can imagine wanting to divorce my husband if he wasn't net-contributing to the household for long periods of time (both financially and in other ways). And maybe I might be saying things in a peevish tone like "what do you do all day?" If I was tired and grumpy after a long day at work.

I don't think I'd criticise his cooking to the children. That crosses a line for sure.

Please read my previous posts where I clearly offer advice even if it is too direct for your tastes.

I also think she’s at fault. I think fault both sides; if the genders were reversed and the wife was working and coming home to a messy house and a husband who couldn’t work out what he did all day and was making out life admin was a full time thing, everyone would be calling him a cocklodger and to get rid.

she should have a tidy house, she should know whay she does all day and no sorting out occasional issues, applying for jobs, doing the laundry and making dinner, school runs is not something that keeps you busy 5 days a week;

so yes, he shouldn’t speak to her as he does, but she should also pull her weight.

I agree. She’s just being deeply unpleasant.

Vent away, that's what mumsnet is for.

But this bit: I’ve benefited from his high earning job but I’ve definitely been the one cheering him on it's implying those are equivalent tasks, earning the money and cheerleading the earner.

Your dh "kicking you while you're down" isn't the point... he's criticising you for not contributing, because, well, you aren't. If you were, he wouldn't. Why would he "kick" you while you're "up"?

"Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife."

There was a other thread today where the DH was out of work for 7 months and "contributed" to housework and the posts said he was a piece of crap and useless and she should divorce him. No doubt being bad at housework would lead to a accusations of weaponised incompetence!

In your case OP by your own admission you are bad at housework and been out of work for the best part of 2 years.

At the same time, there is a lot of financial pressure from private schools fees etc and your DH is carrying the financial and emotional pressure of being the sole provider.

At this point you could try securing work of any kind to rebuild your confidence no matter if it is minimum wage.

That really is the worst thing you can say to a person who is being abused, you should stop and think about what you are doing.

If she is being abused then obviously I'm wrong and way off the mark. None of us can know as we aren't there.

No advice in that post, just you having a pop.

If.... is such a hard thing to hear when you are being abused, it creates doubt, shame and makes you feel like you have no grasp on reality.

Making a comment like that is dangerous to a women who is already really down, being bullied by her husband and not at her best physically. She has disclosed that she feels/has felt like 'ending it' .

Hope you are ok op x

Ok you don’t believe what OP reports says about her marriage. You need direct quotes from DH because a woman’s word isn’t worth as much as a man’s.

It’s not just the cooking comment that crosses a line is it?

A small sample:

• He said she ‘failed’ to get one of her DC into a super elite school (why’s that her fault?)

• Every time one of the DC loses an item or is behind on homework (think how often that will be) she says she “can’t parent” in front of DC.

• She can’t tell him she has an interview as if she doesn’t get it, it’s yet another “stick” to beat her with.

• She reports “the same feeling of dread and racing heart” that she would get before being thrown across the room as a child.

• She talks of “looks of hatred and fury.”

Hard agree.

The OP needs to be honest with herself, she is making loads of excuses that she doesn’t have genuine grounding for.

She got tested for hormonal issues, which is good, but it was ruled out, yet she still blames perimenopause for her tiredness in her OP. If she thinks she has ADHD, she should get tested for that, so if she has it, she can equip herself with the tools needed to get on top of things.

There are few things more tiresome than someone who goes about how a self-diagnosed medical condition is the reason they can’t do what most other adults seem to manage, while not bothering to confirm or rule out said condition.

i know you think my advice is harsh but the OP seems to be allowing herself to drift along on a raft of vague excuses and frankly, it is contributing to the demise of her marriage (which may be what she secretly wants if she doesn’t like her husband anymore).

Is her volunteering work really “networking”, for example? Has it generated many solid job leads? Or would her time realistically be better spent attending actual professional networking events?

As a previous poster said, I think both people are contributing to the toxic dynamic here (and if the OP’s husband would like to start a thread I would have a few things to say to him too) and the OP needs more than platitudes about how hard it is and advice to “ditch her asshole husband”.

She wanted advice on what’s preventing her from getting a job and that’s what I’m focused on. Sorry if I haven’t sufficiently sugar-coated it.

We can have a fairly good idea if we listen to what OP says rather than talking about ourselves.

But do you admit a possibility that she's not being abused? I've just reread all of op's posts and I can't be sure, I'm not sure any of us can.

Yes, her dh does sound very rude and unkind particularly about her cooking, which is really unreasonable of him and indefensible for sure.

But a lot of the other stuff that op is very upset about could arguably be legitimate criticism, depending on tone etc. Op's main grievance is that he keeps "on at her" about getting a job: arguably this is justifiable. The second main issue is that he wants a divorce, which isn't abusive in itself. He's frustrated at the state of the house - without seeing her house, this could be justified too, we don't know. I think we'd all be cross if we came home from work to a messy house and our partner had had all day to sort it. Finally op says that the kids complain about her to him, and without further detail it's hard to unpick that, whether her dh is at fault there. Maybe he is.

Op hasn't said she thinks she's being abused by her husband.