DH’s contempt at my lack of job

[Clawsible]

I need to preface this by saying I know I’m viewed as lucky because I’m not working and we can survive on one very large salary.

But it is not all it seems. The contempt I now have from DH is off the scale and it’s infecting the DC. We both come from poor backgrounds and feel utterly broke once tax comes out and the huge school bills are paid. I feel terrible for saying this as I know families out there are relying on food banks.

This is a long one but I don’t want to drip feed. My confidence is in pieces. I know I’m viewed as a worthless person. Not only am I not working after being pretty good at what I do but I’m also absolutely terrible around the house so can’t even claim to be a housewife. Possibly ADHD masking for years. I can’t follow instructions but somehow got straight As at school when I stayed up all night cramming having zoned out during lessons…

I’ve had very fleeting thoughts about walking away - possibly into the sea somewhere - life as I know it is over. My confidence has always been low which is how people with arguably less talent (ok so maybe it’s not THAT low?!) have leapfrogged me career wise.

DH and I have been together since I was at uni. He is five years older and has always worked. We are now pushing 50 and 55 with two young teen DCs.

I was always ambitious and did well to secure work in a very competitive field as an outsider (not wanting to go into details as quite outing) but did not land well paid roles until about 7 years ago when I used transferable skills to go into a better paid field. I’ve had several blips - two redundancies including one in new career. DH has remained steady and now earns about £250k (including bonus).

DH has stayed in the same sort of role but climbed his way up. He’s now hit a ceiling on pay and possibly promotions. He is very keen to retire and feels burnt out and trapped due to school fees and future uni costs. Yes I know it is a luxury but DC thriving and our catchment schools are simply not good enough. Moving would cost more in upfront costs which we can’t finance.

When my last contract ended, (I can’t believe it but 20 months ago!!) we agreed I would take my time to get a really good role. So many jobs were around. Then the job market tanked the summer before last and the roles I interviewed for dried up. I had some freelance work but not enough and that has now been largely taken I think thanks to AI and firms not having budgets.

Perimenopause also hit hard and I had zero energy and felt very off my game. I’m now better on that front I think and ready to work properly.

I’ve only had a handful of interviews and have not secured work. I’ve been prepared to take significant pay cuts. Some hiring managers have noted my experience very positively but are bewildered as to why I have wanted those particular roles.

I am now facing ageism inadvertently perhaps but it’s there. Meanwhile DH said last week this was unacceptable and he will want a divorce. He thinks I’m a shit parent and shit around the house and the DC hate my cooking. They also undermine me to DH when I annoy them, so it is becoming a toxic cycle.

I very much want to get a kick ass job now to pay the bills but also to contribute as much as I can to my own savings and investments so I can have an escape plan if needed.

I’m reading what she’s written about herself and responding to that with the benefit of experience from the other side. She seems not to be taking her husband’s perspective seriously at all.

Honestly, the detachment from reality of some posters is gobsmacking,

You have a net household income of @ £150k a year. You do not have any financial problems that aren't of your own making and are not easily fixed.

Whining about haircuts and broken tumble dryers whilst ploughing £1k a month into an ISA is not really going to get you much sympathy.

Your DH is an arsehole, that's one problem.

You think you are ' overqualified' for some jobs, that's another.

If you are applying for entry level jobs in exactly the same field as you used to work in , you might be overqualified. If your are a Stockbroker applying for a supervisor role at Tescos, then you are differently qualified and won't be any more suitable for the role than a really good shift worker there. That's just an example.

If you really think you are skint ( you aren't) , then get a job but don't think you are ' better' than it because of what you have earned in the past.

Personally I would put £500 a month into the ISA and use that to buy a new tumble dryer and whatever an extra 500 a month can do for someone.

@CamillaMcCauley. I understand that but it doesn’t seem to be as simple as that. Her husband is a bully and I went through the same thing with my XH and can recognise the abuse.
he may be exasperated, but that’s no excuse to undermine the OP

I’m really not that bad a cook!!

@CamillaMcCauley I have said I know he’s burnt out and he’s had a dull job for a while and he feels stuck. I get that. But he’s never once picked up a therapy book and gave up going to the sessions that were prepaid for him. He has always been very tight fisted with money. I have always been frugal with my own spending but generous with others. I have tried various paths to self improvement but I am clearly beyond redemption. I have admitted my multiple faults repeatedly in this thread though I think the cooking thing is a bit overblown!! . I make light of it but if you knew how many times I thought about ending things and I don’t mean my marriage you would know I take an even dimmer view of my pathetic sad ugly stupid self than you do.

Divorce the bastard and get half his pension!!!

The ISA money is for an alternative to an employer pension for me as I don’t have an employer and it’s tax free money. I have done that for a few years now and did not stop the direct payments when I stopped working. DH contributes far more than that to his pension which is four times the size of mine understandably. Most people always tell women to make sure their high earning DH are making provision for their pensions too if the their wives aren’t working. We are a very long way from having equal finances despite sharing all bills and income for 25 years.

I’m serious OP. You need to get out of this toxic relationship before it destroys you.

Listen OP: you have to get out

This is no way to live. You recognise the cycle of abuse: thunder followed by sunshine. And always living in fear of thunder again…

What many on this thread don’t realise is that this exaggerated disdain for your general hopelessness and what he has to put up with is a standard technique of abusers to keep you on your knees.

Fuck apps I think you need to be reading Lundy Bancroft “Why does he do that” the Freedom Programme but you could probably write a book on abuse yourself.

Focus all your attention on getting out and what your life might look like: talk to a solicitor, look at affordable properties in areas with good state schools etc.

Absolutely this.

Please don’t make excuses for your DH. You can’t put flowers in an arsehole and call it a vase.

Please stop beating yourself up and looking for apps etc and start sticking up for yourself ( I know that’s hard)
if you feel so low it might be worth a visit to the doctor. Good luck x

Right, so everyone is “projecting” their experience then?

I agree he shouldn’t be behaving the way he is but he’s not here posting for advice.

I have also left an abusive relationship and know that if you want to change your circumstances you have to internally recognise the absolute necessity of doing so first.

While she’s busy making excuses and playing the martyr, she is not going to improve the situation whether she ultimately stays and tries to fix her marriage or leaves.

She needs to get serious and recognise that her excuses are just that.

Edited to add that playing the victim is also a form of abuse.

And you seem to not be taking OP’s perspective seriously at all. In fact you just seem to be here to talk about yourself.

@AlunaThanks. You’ve put perfectly what I was trying to say!

So you’ve left an abusive relationship and yet have completely failed to clock all the signs of abuse in this one?

Indeed you’re siding with the abuser telling OP she should taking his perspective more seriously? The one in which he implies she’s a piece of shit on his shoe, that she’s a total failure and can’t do anything. Really?

How helpful would you have found your own advice?

It sounds like you are both burnt out and both stressed.

It is harder for women in their fifties to find work - your husband may not be aware of that reality.

Try to find work even if it is not in your chosen field.
That would reduce tension and stress for both of you and help you to get your confidence back.

After your last update, I say fuck the apps and get out.

The job and finances are surely a red herring. The way you are treated by him and worse his encouragement of your teens to treat you with contempt is the real issue. Awful and so damaging to you and them.

My sister and I as teens babysat for a wealthy family with a dad like this. Even as late teens we were horrified by the dynamics of their family. Worst was the contempt the young tween sons treated the mother mirroring the dad. Honestly it was 30’odd years ago and we still remember that family. She left eventually thankfully. She was lovely but should have left sooner.

You can contribute to a pension, even as a non taxpayer, and get tax relief on a limited contribution. If you have £1k per month to put away, I would put £240 in a pension, get 20% tax relief, so an extra £60 per month, and the rest in an ISA. You are limited to £3.6k per year assuming you are haven't worked this year, or your income if thats higher (so if you have earned £10k freelance, you can pay £10k in). Both invested as you have 10ish years minimum til retirement.

It won't get you to £900k, but it will get you some extra cash.

Hope that helps a little!

Have you seen your GP, OP?
Are you on HRT?
Sorry if I have missed this.
That should be your first step.

Thanks @CharlotteRumpling. I did a series of tests (urine, the Dutch test) about a year ago and my estrogen levels are really high. The practitioner did not recommend HRT and the report was really in-depth. I think physically I’m a lot bett and now actually than then.

Oh my lord what in the hell did i just read???
😟😨😳
I have read all your posts OP and cannot for the life of me understand why you stay? 😬

Manifest some good thoughts? More like.. Dump that pest and DIVORCE! 😤😡😠

He's even got your DC undermining you and giving you hassle and they will continue to copy their twat of a father. 🤮
FUCK THAT SHIT RIGHT OFF.🖕

Another poster was correct when they said, he would find it a lot more expensive if you guys got divorced. 💯
Never mind the expense of life now 🙄
Why have self-flagellation, when you could be married to this peach of a man instead?
Jeez 😬

And then when you eventually do get a job, do you honestly think he will improve? 🤔
Or will he be nice for a while and go back to being a snide abusive wanker? 🤨
Yeah, I thought so. 😒

I would divorce him and let him give empty threats of pulling the kids school fees.
What a TWAT he is. 💩
I would rather live alone and have peace, than live with that cunt of a husband. 💯

He treats you like shit now, what would it take for you to leave him? Another woman? 🤷‍♀️

I would spend less time manifesting and more time seeing a solicitor. 🤓
Get your ducks in a row and get organised. 🦆

@Clawsible sending hugs 🫂

This is exactly what I mean about excuses and playing the martyr. I don’t think you are “pathetic sad ugly stupid” and haven’t said that (how would I even know if you ate ugly?). I do think you are being quite dishonest with yourself (including saying you are stupid which you obviously are not) and it is not helping you.

You clearly think you are better in some/many ways than your husband as your posts are full of snide little jabs at him. (For example: bringing home £250k a year is a lot more than “keeping the wolves from the door” and putting it like that is a subtle way of diminishing him).

If you don’t like or respect him anymore, that is fine, but be honest with him and yourself. It is really not fine to keep living off his money while snaking about him behind his back (including criticizing him for being more open about his loss of respect for you).

Whether you want to try to fix your marriage and see if that sweet gentle man will return once he has moved out of the depression you blithely say he has been in for years, or whether you accept that your marriage is over for multiple reasons, you need to get a job and to return to my original point, that is not going to happen while you are still focused on excuses.

I can’t tell you how to get a job in your “outing” field, but I can tell you that a sense of the absolute necessity of doing so is the number one thing you need to move forward. I don’t get the impression that you have that sense of urgency at the moment.

You want to walk into the sea.
You need strength to stand up for yourself and find a job.
Maybe anti depressants.

I think it's probably more nuanced than this but I did think some of these thoughts especially when op implied that her husband ruining "her confidence" was the reason she wasn't getting jobs. That's so, so out of order.

If I was the breadwinner in my home and my dh was mostly dossing about doing the bare minimum and not getting a job, I'd be beyond furious if he threw that back at me saying it's because I was ruining his confidence. What?! How, just by pointing out he should have a job by now, two years on?

Op, it is your responsibility alone to get yourself a job. You can't rely on your dh to coach you into it.

I understand that you're just venting on an anonymous website but if you threaten your husband that you "want to walk into the sea" that's abusive in its own right.