Separate finances when one partner has more wealth

[FancyMauveHare]

My partner and I are coming up on 5 years together but have only recently started living together. We are in our 30s.

When I met him I was not interested in living with a partner and he was recently divorced and didn't fancy that either. It worked well for us, we both had largely the same lifestyle and both were renting studios not far from each other.

My reasons for living in a gritty studio was saving for a deposit. I have no family wealth and have not received any financial help from family since I was a teenager.

He has now bought a house outright and is receiving monthly payments of £1-3K from parents to renovate it. We have a contract to say he has to give me several months notice if he wants me to move out and I have no beneficial interest in the house, he's solely responsible for all house expenses and we are jointly responsible for utilities only.

I have always been a proponent of separate finances in my 20s, but I've also never been in a life partnership before. I am becoming uneasy with the very obvious wealth disparity between us. My partner is as frugal same as me, so our spending (minus the renovations) is largely the same, however, my financial planning is predicated on having to financially support both my parents when they are elderly and being the only person I can rely on financially in case of an emergency. He has never had to financially plan anything - he says he always lived below his means and that's enough.

Living in a house that's not mine makes me feel uneasy. He says he wants me to feel like it's my home, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it's my place to be deciding on decorations even though he consults me because I don't want to be the reason he chooses the more expensive option. I don't feel like investing my own money because the house is not mine. I don't want to be living like this in 10 years time.

My partner says if my budget ever not allows me to afford something (like a holiday), he'll just pay for me. But most likely thing is that I just won't accept it. I think it would create a weird power dynamic.

Does anybody have any advice and tips on how to navigate wealth disparity between unmarried partners? (Marriage is not an option as he does not want to be married again).

You say he doesn't want to be married again - what happened with his ex wife?
This situation is what marriage is for tbh, it gives you the security. Do you feel like he's committed to you in the long term? Or does he see the relationship as temporary?

I think perhaps it might be worth speaking to someone about this? It seems to mainly be from your side and things that you have in your head as financial “rules” rather than anything he’s said?

Why is your financial planning including paying for your parents when elderly?

Where was your mind at when you recently moved in?

Has anything changed since you made that decision and if so, what?

Did you save a deposit when living alone? Are you saving money now that you are rent free?

I also had no family help with money, and have had to build my own financial security. There’s no way I’d be prioritising keeping my parents afloat over my own security. If they need help, that’s what the state is for.

Use the money you have and will accumulate to do some or all of the following: invest, build a pension, buy a property of your own, buy into your partner’s property.

My parents don't have any means to look after themselves when they're elderly. My mother is still paying her mortgage on a small flat and she's in her 60s and my father will be renting until the day he dies. Neither of them has any pension. There's also the fact that they live in a different country and I'd love to move back to my home country temporarily to look after my mother if she ever needs it. I hate the idea of her dying alone in a vulnerable position.

You're right that it is in my head, but it doesn't make it any less real. Just because my partner said he'll help if I need it, doesn't mean he will, so this will not change anything about my financial planning.

I have told him I'd prefer we budgeted and planned for the future together, but he says he doesn't need to budget or plan for anything. And it's true, he doesn't need to. He's got defined benefit pension, a house he bough with cash, and is getting regular gifts of thousands of pounds from family. But I do have everything to plan for. And this divide make me feel very unequal and small.

His sister is also dating someone working class and their parents advised her not to marry her boyfriend. I'm sure they would not have said this if he was also wealthy.

I can understand why he wants to protect his assets - he has already had one marriage/life partnership fail. Plus a lot of his assets seem to come from his parents.

But if I were you I could not see this as a "life partnership". If I were in my 50s yeah - we'd both have separate assets and responsibilities so being together wouldn't involve merging assets or building assets together. But for you in your 30s - you are building nothing and you are certainly not building anything with your partner.

You are at an age where you should be trying to get on the property ladder/paying down a mortgage/building equity in a home, if at all possible. If you are in a partnership usually this happens together. But if you are happy with the partnership otherwise then go off and try and buy someplace yourself. Don't just sit there while his asset appreciates and you have no asset - you are responsible for building your own future and security.

And think long and hard before you have children with someone who will owe you nothing but child maintenance if you split - even if it is 20 years on and you have reared 2 children together.

I have saved for a small deposit and am now saving even more aggressively. I could potentially buy a flat now or a small starter home on the outskirts of my city.

There's no state's help where I'm from and where my parents live. It's going to be either my help, or nothing. My mother has some savings and she'll pay off her flat eventually, but I'm not leaving her fend for herself if she needs my help. She raised me as a single mother and sacrificed everything to give me an opportunity for a better life. I'll help my father if it doesn't financially disadvantage me.

As for what to do with my savings, that's not the bit that's bothering me. I'm bothered by a big discrepancy between my partner and I. I don't like living in a house that's not mine that's supposedly my home but I do not have an equal voice. If I move out and buy my own, our lifestyles will diverge drastically. And I'm not sure it's wise for me to buy into someone else's property (that I don't like very much and did not chose) and lose my FTB privileges.

OP, seems like you can continue to build the pot of money that you had been saving for a deposit and at a faster rate now that you are not paying rent. It’s not a bad situation to be in. Max out a stocks and shares ISA if you can, see it grow over the long term. Careful of investing in property; if it’s not your main home you’ll be liable to CGT if/when you sell.

The best way you can ensure you can help your parents when the time comes is by securing your own finances now.

it seems to me you have 2 issues. One is the financial security one - I posted upthread about you buying someplace yourself. I would prioritise doing that if I were you and would also prioritise saving/retirement saving etc. If you do have children with this man it makes the most sense for him to take a step back in his career to rear them - he already has a house and a pension. you don't and need to build yours. I wonder if he would see that the same way?

The second issue is a relationship one. you don't feel like you are living in your own home. nor do you feel like you are in a life-long committed partnership. That's because you are not in either case. Only you can decide if this is the relationship for you. It wouldn't be the one for me at your age. I'd want a relationship where we were in it together and building a future - including a financial future - together. But if he sees it differently then you can't change that (and I'm not judging him just saying that is the way it is).

His ex wife refused to work (they have no children) and he was saddled with paying for everything while she spent her inheritance on things for herself only. She liked a fairly luxurious lifestyle and her spending was through the roof. One of the things he said when I was about to move in is that he's so grateful I'm not demanding like her. I later told him I hated hearing that and he apologised.

But, as you can imagine, his generous offers to pay for me if I couldn't afford something don't really land with me. If he hated paying for everything in his marriage, why would he be happy to pay for me?

Feels like he wants the arrangement to be like this - I'm responsible for myself and he chooses to financially help if he deems it appropriate. He is very afraid of being taken for granted and he's afraid of feeling like his partner is only with him because it's convenient.

Well, no judgement of him for doing what he's doing. He's been totally upfront about it and his parents are quite right in protecting their gifts to him, if they are influencing his decision.

It's up to you to accept it, or not. Personally, I wouldn't have moved in and would have carried on with my own plans for my future.

We have discussed children and I said I have no intention to have children without marriage. I will not end up in the situation I was raised in. He reluctantly agreed, but, frankly, I am not burning with desire to have children with a man who would rather not to marry me.

I'm absolutely prioritising my own financial security and am contributing 18% of my salary into my pension, plus my employer's contributions. If everything goes well I'll retire with a very good pension. I also have income insurance if I cannot work due to medical reasons. I've retrained and am in an industry with high potential growth.

I think you are right that I do not feel like I'm in a life-long committed relationship. Just feels like I have the same worries as previously, just saving more rapidly due to no rent, but all in all I don't feel any relief at not doing it alone. I also understand his point of view and he's not wrong for wanting what he wants. But perhaps we just want different things.

I understand why you want to pay your own way (although it’s clearly exacerbated by you not wanting to be seen as the same as his ex wife), and why you don’t like being in a relationship where you’re a lot less well off. I would also much prefer to be on an equal footing, even if that meant both a bit skint!

I don’t understand why you moved in with him though, given all of that?

What do you think the solution is?

Tbf he is already helping you financially, he is providing housing for you free of charge

I think neither of us have been upfront because both of us changed their opinion. I moved in thinking I would never want to share finances and he told me he is ok with marriage. We then both changed our minds.

Do you want marriage and children OP? If so I don’t think this is the relationship do you. He doesn’t seem to want to build with you or be a real partnership in my mind. He has someone paying half his bills so basically a lodger in you.

I am also helping him financially by paying half of all bills and buying white goods/furniture. It is a beneficial arrangement for both of us.

‘But, as you can imagine, his generous offers to pay for me if I couldn't afford something don't really land with me. If he hated paying for everything in his marriage, why would he be happy to pay for me?’

this is essentially what a good partnership is, you share & support. No disrespect to his ex but she sounds awful & was all take with no giving. Probably why he hated it & can clearly see that you are not the same.

there are books on this I think but I think you get stuck in a poor persons mentality & its really hard to shift that perspective. This man wants to share his home with you & wants you involved in furnishing it. It doesn’t matter ultimately if he is paying for it (or not)

I would maybe have a conversation with him, he obviously does not have the same worries as you so you need to spell it out. I would use that rent money you are saving to build your deposit & an emergency fund. Then buy an investment property. Let him look after you, moneywise he might guve 80% & you 20% but I bet for everything else you give him the 80%.

It doesn’t have to be either or.

Get your own place asap. If he asks why mention you dont like not earning equaity. Maybe their will be a solution

I thought I did not want marriage and children. I then got sudden baby fever after he had a near death experience and I moved him into my tiny studio to look after him for many months. Made me really reconsider some things, you know.

But I don't think we want the same things and it would be too late for me to go and find another man to have a baby with as I'm in my mid 30s.

I think it's either figure out a way to be with him with separate finances, or leave and carry on with my life as before. But I don't think there's any possibility for me to have children.

Only you can decide if the financial discrepancy is a deal breaker for you. To me, it seems like a crazy reason to end an otherwise healthy and happy relationship. You have the opportunity to save for your own financial security and he’s not asking anything of you, so I don’t see the big deal.

I’ve just seen that you’ve changed your mind about children so if you’re shifting the goalposts over all the big decisions you have already made, you need to tell him
sooner rather than later.

In that case op, leave and carry on as before.
You can still see him if you want to, but when you buy a fridge (or whatever), it'll be your fridge!

I understand what you are saying and I only wish I could see it this way. But I just don't.

I have had numerous conversations with my partner about this, but we just disagree. He doesn't see why I wouldn't feel comfortable asking for things or voicing strong opinions about renovations just because he owns the house. And I don't see how I can feel like this is my home when this is the place that's helping me save for my actual home.

He said once that living in his house rent-free is me getting to "catch up". But, I'll never catch up to his level of wealth, it's simply not possible. It does just make me feel small, the idea that I'm "catching up".

It's like this - if someone is paying for dinner, you won't be choosing the best option for you, you'll be choosing something cheap as to not burden the paying person. It's nice, but it doesn't feel equal.

I may be completely wrong and having shared finances doesn't change anything anyway if you're still thinking - my income/wealth is larger than yours, I have more say.

The fridge I bought is mine haha. We have a cohabitation agreement that says anything bought in your name only is yours and I can take everything I bought with me to my new place.

Then you are in a dodgy position if you split up. You will have no home of your own and will need to either rent or buy. I wouldn't look on this as a relationship for the long term. Too risky.