Separate finances when one partner has more wealth

[FancyMauveHare]

My partner and I are coming up on 5 years together but have only recently started living together. We are in our 30s.

When I met him I was not interested in living with a partner and he was recently divorced and didn't fancy that either. It worked well for us, we both had largely the same lifestyle and both were renting studios not far from each other.

My reasons for living in a gritty studio was saving for a deposit. I have no family wealth and have not received any financial help from family since I was a teenager.

He has now bought a house outright and is receiving monthly payments of £1-3K from parents to renovate it. We have a contract to say he has to give me several months notice if he wants me to move out and I have no beneficial interest in the house, he's solely responsible for all house expenses and we are jointly responsible for utilities only.

I have always been a proponent of separate finances in my 20s, but I've also never been in a life partnership before. I am becoming uneasy with the very obvious wealth disparity between us. My partner is as frugal same as me, so our spending (minus the renovations) is largely the same, however, my financial planning is predicated on having to financially support both my parents when they are elderly and being the only person I can rely on financially in case of an emergency. He has never had to financially plan anything - he says he always lived below his means and that's enough.

Living in a house that's not mine makes me feel uneasy. He says he wants me to feel like it's my home, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it's my place to be deciding on decorations even though he consults me because I don't want to be the reason he chooses the more expensive option. I don't feel like investing my own money because the house is not mine. I don't want to be living like this in 10 years time.

My partner says if my budget ever not allows me to afford something (like a holiday), he'll just pay for me. But most likely thing is that I just won't accept it. I think it would create a weird power dynamic.

Does anybody have any advice and tips on how to navigate wealth disparity between unmarried partners? (Marriage is not an option as he does not want to be married again).

You're very aware and insightful @FancyMauveHare .

Two things made me pause. One was about him saying he wants it to feel like your home, not involving you in any way and then saying you should have been more pushy and forced your way into being involved. Er no, not really. He should have involved you if he wanted you to feel involved.

The other was about him saying you can choose where we eat/holiday or whatever and he'll pay and you feeling this will translate into you never getting anything exactly as you would want it to be. I think this is likely a you problem (unless you feel he doesn't really mean it?). It's okay to say what you really want. He seems to have gone from someone/his ex who apparently takes the piss 100% of the time 🤔, to someone who finds it hard to make any demands I think it's possible that he has controlling tendencies but also that you have problems with being assertive.

Have you discussed the option of a pre nup? Sorry if this has been covered - I haven't read the whole thread. Otherwise, I think you should look for someone who's more on the same page as you to have a shared life with. On some level your current partner isn't really available for this. It seems like all this unearned wealth has become an obstacle to your partner (and his sister) having meaningful relationships. He wants to play let's pretend at family life without taking any personal risks.

I really wish you all the best whatever you decide to do. You sound lovely. Trust yourself to know what's best for you.

We have been together for 5 years. We have been talking about having a child + a civil partnership/cohabitation agreement for it since August 2025. We've been pretty much living in my studio all this time with his place used as storage and guest space. It's not a new relationship and it's not a new topic. It's just a new house. I said I probably would want a civil partnership and he said he probably was fine with it. He nearly died two years ago and I was his carer. It's not a lot and it's not all at once.

How much longer should I give him? Another year? Another 5 years? This is a man in his mid 30s who still doesn't know if he wants a child or not and does know he does not want to be married.

He just bought his house and he realised he doesn't want to lose his house and wants to keep things as they are. Fair enough, it's ok to want that. But I realised I want a life partner. We want different things and he has a hard time saying it because he knows I'll leave.

When he needed you, you were there without hesitation. He's not committed to you in the same way because his first priority is protecting his wealth. It's a sad state of affairs really. You do deserve more OP.

Yes, this is not a bloke one should have children with. The ILs also sound money-obsessed. These are not good people to have around your children.

Also, I'm suspicious about his story of his marriage. It smells funny. The story men tell about their ex-marriages are often NOwhere near the truth. Often, what they accuse their wife of is what THEY did themselves. Here, his ex-wife had her own money: he mentioned her "spending her inheritance on herself". Did that really happen? It sounds like what Mr Pounds&Pennies would do: he gets an inheritance and spends it on himself while throwing a few gifts in the direction of the grateful woman in his bed.

Sometimes you need to be prepared to leave your relationship to save it.

If he really loves you, he will make a normal commitment to protect you from the vulnerable state you'll be in if you have a child. You already nursed him through sickness for nothing, he cannot claim that you aren't all in and that he really thinks you're going to cut and run with all his money as soon as you're married (good luck with that in a short marriage anyway). If he would rather lose you than commit and protect you, that's his choice.

I agree with a PP that you might not be getting the full story of his marriage here.

I must have missed that you used to be his carer. That makes it doubly weird that he doesn't recognise the value in commitment. Surely he knows you're in it for the right reasons. Does he not appreciate the sacrifice you made for him? If you move out I wonder if he'd expect you to be his carer again if something happened. Or whether he would do it for you.

I don't understand what your issue is? You can save and buy your own property and rent it out so if you broke up you could technically go and live there, the rent will pay the mortgage so you have your own asset. You don't surely expect to be put on the deeds of his house you haven't paid into or for him to merge assets? He's been married once and it probably cost him a fortune to untangle finances, he's being very sensible to keep things completely separate and not remarrying to protect his assets. You will benefit from free rent living with him, and he will cover any shortfall if you can't afford holidays, I can't see the issue, you are benefitting from this setup.

As a PP said you ended up being his carer when he was seriously unwell, and yet you're not even a beneficiary in his will - you get to stay in the house for a certain amount of time if he dies but that's it? That was something that really stood out to me.

Simply put he wants everything on his terms.
You would be out of your mind to have a child with such a man.
Let him find a baby oven elsewhere.
You have wasted 5 years, don't waste anymore.
He has told you he doesn't want to marry, believe him.

Hapoy enough though to be nursed by you for months at your studio?
I bet he was.
The comforts and benefits of a relationship on his terms.
Save as hard as you can and get a deposit together and leave is my advice.

If he got ill he would expect the same and if he died you would be out the door after 6 months!
Let him find someone else.

Don't waste anymore years with him.