Separate finances when one partner has more wealth

[FancyMauveHare]

My partner and I are coming up on 5 years together but have only recently started living together. We are in our 30s.

When I met him I was not interested in living with a partner and he was recently divorced and didn't fancy that either. It worked well for us, we both had largely the same lifestyle and both were renting studios not far from each other.

My reasons for living in a gritty studio was saving for a deposit. I have no family wealth and have not received any financial help from family since I was a teenager.

He has now bought a house outright and is receiving monthly payments of £1-3K from parents to renovate it. We have a contract to say he has to give me several months notice if he wants me to move out and I have no beneficial interest in the house, he's solely responsible for all house expenses and we are jointly responsible for utilities only.

I have always been a proponent of separate finances in my 20s, but I've also never been in a life partnership before. I am becoming uneasy with the very obvious wealth disparity between us. My partner is as frugal same as me, so our spending (minus the renovations) is largely the same, however, my financial planning is predicated on having to financially support both my parents when they are elderly and being the only person I can rely on financially in case of an emergency. He has never had to financially plan anything - he says he always lived below his means and that's enough.

Living in a house that's not mine makes me feel uneasy. He says he wants me to feel like it's my home, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it's my place to be deciding on decorations even though he consults me because I don't want to be the reason he chooses the more expensive option. I don't feel like investing my own money because the house is not mine. I don't want to be living like this in 10 years time.

My partner says if my budget ever not allows me to afford something (like a holiday), he'll just pay for me. But most likely thing is that I just won't accept it. I think it would create a weird power dynamic.

Does anybody have any advice and tips on how to navigate wealth disparity between unmarried partners? (Marriage is not an option as he does not want to be married again).

We have discussed the child issue at length and he knows I've changed my mind. We even decided to start trying, this is where the issue of marriage came up, and he realised he does not want to be married (he previously said he doesn't mind it). The marriage and children issue just really highlighted to both of us that we perhaps want different things.

He says he wants to know the person who is with him is there just because they want to be, not because he's convenient or useful. But I realised I want to be more tethered than that.

I just feel like, if this is about enjoying each other's company, we should live separately again and just have fun together. If this is about building an entwined life, then it needs to look differently.

Honestly I'm not sure what you actually want... ? Your boyfriend is richer than you and always will be. You are ok with not being married ? Would you like him to give you money?

But she will have built up wealth, which she can use to rent or put down a deposit. It’s no more risky than any cohabiting relationship. All relationships can end at any time.

I genuinely did not think I'll feel this way! That's why I agreed. I thought it's a great idea to live with him for a year, see how it goes, and then either buy my own place or carry on living together and I'll just invest in stocks and shares instead.

But I also made a lot of assumptions. When he was buying the house, he was talking about the importance of it also feeling like my home. I foolishly thought this meant I was going to be involved in renovations, that I'll be asked to come see the place and discuss what needs to be done, make a plan. That we will celebrate the purchase when it was done.

But it didn't happen like that. He just got the keys and was off getting quotes, tradies, breaking down the walls, etc. It was very clear then it won't really be a home for the two of us, it'll be his home and I'll be living in it.

I told him this and he said he was hurt I wasn't inviting myself to the meetings with tradesmen and did not ask to come with when he was getting the keys. His expectation was that I will take it upon myself to get involved and that'll make him feel like I want this.

Do you still want children?

On the one hand, I can see why, having been divorced from a financially selfish and reckless woman, he's keen not to repeat the mistake. On the other, if he does seriously want a true life partnership, he is going to have to take a risk at some point because you can't truly share a life if you don't share money. It's not very appealing to be assessed constantly on how much you don't share, and you do have to consider what would happen if he decided to kick you out at any point.

I'm curious to know what made you think that I want my partner to pay me money?

This is what makes this difficult. I don't think either of us is unreasonable. What he wants makes sense. I'm just not happy with what he wants. Maybe I will be if I look at it in a different way.

I think I do want children, yes. To tell the truth, I think I try really hard to not want them. I can't see babies right now, I burst into tears every time I see one. I just can't be comfortable having one with my partner. If he's afraid of financial consequences of marriage and wants to keep his wealth secure, children is not a way to do this.

This is a bad start imo and later things will start to be said maybe in anger or argument
Its a hard situation
1 your age mid 30’s
2 you’ll never get anything back financially
3 you want children- too many complications here for a child to be brought into the world. Plus how is he with his current children??
4 you’ll only be able to purchase household things YOU can afford, rather than if two monies were put together
5 you’ll be buying things you like but may never fit somewhere else (if you were to move out)
6 He may want to go in an expensive holiday and you can’t afford that much ( argue)
7 Are you happy with the amount you’re paying for utilities/food ?

Id not be happy with someone who doesn’t treat me as an equal in the house/relationship I’m in
regardless of who has the money
Did he ask you if you wanted to do 50/50 in the house you mortgage he cash as tenants in common ?

The reality is that the wealth disparity is simply going to grow and grow.

I wouldn’t be surprised if the disparity doubles every 10 years like investments / asset wealth often does.

This is why marriage is important.

Reading some of this...
Wouldnt you be better off finding someone who wants to get married, and pool resources together, buy a place together, and build a future, whether they are wealthy or not.
You current partner, generous as you say he is, really seems happy enough with a live-in GF.

It sounds like you want him to share money with you more freely but you can only accept that if you married. He would hear it like a transaction thats whst it sounds like to me. I wouldn't marry you but I would if I loved you be hinest up front and help where I could, would that be enough if he wanted to do that.?

You sound sensible and very intelligent and thoughtful, OP. I really think you deserve better than this but I appreciate that you want kids and haven't got time to waste.

Might he be more amenable to a civil partnership? In practice there's not much difference between those and marriage (essentially the sexual stuff doesn't come into it but you can always find grounds to dissolve it if you want to) but some people who are anti marriage find them more acceptable; they don't hit the same psychological spot.

"I have always been a proponent of separate finances"
so if you were the higher earner would you then share ? @FancyMauveHare

but why are you more into his wealth now ?

It’s good that you both thought about finances before getting the house. I think cohabitation agreements should be used more.

I can’t see that your partner is doing anything wrong. If he were my son I’d want him to protect his house to. It’s the sensible thing to do and has no reflection on you and what he thinks of you. As he has been given the money by his parents he may be even more conscious of wanting to protect the money. If I were him I wouldn’t want to get married either.

I can see that it’s no fun being the poorer person but it’s not the richer partners fault. He doesn’t sound like he’s mean or that he is using the money to control you. I think you need to work out why you feel ‘unequal and small’. You have a good job and it sounds like you are responsible and hard working. That doesn’t sound like someone who is “small” It’s also admirable
thst you taking on responsibility for helping your parents.

You mention that you have only relatively recently moved in with your partner. I wonder if you just need to carry on how you are for another couple of years. You might find that you start to feel more comfortable with the way things are. Obviously if you do decide that you only want to have kids if you are married then you will have to reconsider things. Not having to pay rent is huge. It’s going to allow you to save so much money.

If she's looking for an actual life partnership with children, she'd be a fool not to.

Personally OP given you think you want marriage and kids I don’t think this man is for you unless he also wants that and understands you would be a life partner not a lodger kept at arms length financially. You have time to find someone more on an equal keel still. I wouldn’t be able to carry on long term like this.

The money doesn’t even seem to be the main issue here. You want marriage and children, and he doesn’t. In your mid 30s it is NOT too late to find someone who does want those things with you. Leave this relationship and find one that serves you better.

true

I don't want to receive gifts for things I cannot afford, I want to be an equal partner. I want to be able to plan for the future as a unit, not as an individual who gets a nice deal of going on holidays they cannot normally afford.

Perhaps I need to find a different way of looking at it so that this arrangement does not feel like that. I'm sure there's a different way of looking at it that's more palatable. I understand the issue is how this situation feels like to me rather the situation itself.

I feel like it's extremely unlikely to find a man I like who is decent enough to feel like I want to have children with him. I've never wanted children before meeting my partner and I don't know that I can trust someone that much unless I spend at least 4-5 years with him prior. Which makes having children impossible on this timeline.

It was my ask to get a cohabitation agreement to protect his house. He did not know I could potentially claim a beneficial interest in his home if I claimed I invested in it. I also wanted an agreement detailing how we will share stuff upon breakup and that I get to have a few months notice before I have to move out.

It's just that I realised I don't want to live like this long-term. I would like to buy more things for the house, but I'm stopping myself because I know I wouldn't buy those things if I lived alone and I need to save for my own place. I keep postponing putting things in my LISA thinking what if we do get married and have a baby, I'd want that money for the baby. But then I'll be losing out on £1K bonus if I do need to use it to buy my own place.

I agree my partner is not doing anything wrong. We just want different things. It's not his fault I feel small, it's just how I feel. It's also not my fault he thinks I'd put him in financial ruin if we were to marry, I didn't do anything to make him think that. It's just unfortunate.

Dont have children with this man unless you are married.

Honestly you can’t blame him not marrying.The only time I don’t like this is if the couple have children. He has pointed out he doesn’t want to marry or have children. You need to decide if you want this man or children more.

You either trust someone enough or you don’t, I was met and married and PG all within 2 years, baby is now almost 25. My friend met her DH at 19, they married aged 30 and then had their first child a couple of years later. He left her for another woman when their youngest went to University. You cannot predict what happens in a relationship totally, you can really try but it’s always an unknown.

Thank you for you kind words.

We have only been discussing a civil partnership and not marriage. I only wrote marriage because it's easier for people to understand what the issue is. I myself am not keep on the patriarchal history of marriage.

The problem for him is shared finances, not necessarily the husband label. We never discussed a wedding or anything, it's purely a financial contract for the both of us.

I think it's fair he does not want to share finances, I didn't either a year ago. Perhaps I just need to restructure how I think of this relationship. That's it's not an entangled life partnership, I have a very helpful kind person in my life who is letting me stay with them rent-free, and that's a good thing. But this is not someone I will be doing retirement planning with.