Separate finances when one partner has more wealth

[FancyMauveHare]

My partner and I are coming up on 5 years together but have only recently started living together. We are in our 30s.

When I met him I was not interested in living with a partner and he was recently divorced and didn't fancy that either. It worked well for us, we both had largely the same lifestyle and both were renting studios not far from each other.

My reasons for living in a gritty studio was saving for a deposit. I have no family wealth and have not received any financial help from family since I was a teenager.

He has now bought a house outright and is receiving monthly payments of £1-3K from parents to renovate it. We have a contract to say he has to give me several months notice if he wants me to move out and I have no beneficial interest in the house, he's solely responsible for all house expenses and we are jointly responsible for utilities only.

I have always been a proponent of separate finances in my 20s, but I've also never been in a life partnership before. I am becoming uneasy with the very obvious wealth disparity between us. My partner is as frugal same as me, so our spending (minus the renovations) is largely the same, however, my financial planning is predicated on having to financially support both my parents when they are elderly and being the only person I can rely on financially in case of an emergency. He has never had to financially plan anything - he says he always lived below his means and that's enough.

Living in a house that's not mine makes me feel uneasy. He says he wants me to feel like it's my home, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it's my place to be deciding on decorations even though he consults me because I don't want to be the reason he chooses the more expensive option. I don't feel like investing my own money because the house is not mine. I don't want to be living like this in 10 years time.

My partner says if my budget ever not allows me to afford something (like a holiday), he'll just pay for me. But most likely thing is that I just won't accept it. I think it would create a weird power dynamic.

Does anybody have any advice and tips on how to navigate wealth disparity between unmarried partners? (Marriage is not an option as he does not want to be married again).

I have been the higher earner in my previous relationships and have supported two of my exes financially for extended periods. One almost a year and the other 7 months during COVID. So, I think, yes? Hard to tell because I've no idea how I would feel if I had an inheritance, a house, and a large pension to myself.

Do you love this man and want to be with him? Do you think he feels the same way about you?

All the finance issues seem to be getting in the way of these fundamental things about choosing to be in a relationship. If you want to be together then…

Tell him what you want — children — and ask him if he wants that with you. I don’t think marriage is a deal breaker for having children. You may think otherwise but fertility cannot be changed, a marriage license can come at any time.

I was living with my partner (now husband) for over 5 yrs when at 35 I realised children might be a now or never thing. I asked him what he wanted and he said “one day” — I told him if he wanted them with me, we needed to get a move on. And we did. Then we married 2 years later when it was clear that it was the simplest solution to protect our family unit.

You don’t have to have everything all at once—you can prioritise.

based on your comment "I have always been a proponent of separate finances" ?

I have a feeling you're sabotaging any chance of partnership, and keeping yourself small because you want to. Maybe because it feels safer that way. I may be completely off the mark, but it would be good to explore it in therapy. Probably your mother's history has influenced your view on how (or if) you can rely on others.

Yes, I did say I was a proponent of separate finances until recently (I've obviously changed my mind recently). I don't think supporting a partner financially is sharing finances? Currently my partner is supporting me because I live in his house rent-free, but our finances are very much separate. When I was paying rent and groceries for my exes, we also did not share finances.

I am certainly extremely wary of men because of being abandoned by my father and later having an abusive long-term relationship.

I think there's something to the self-sabotage, but it doesn't ring entirely true. It is possible though that I will never feel fully equal, not even if we marry and my partner is happy to marry me. It's possible I'll find another way to feel small.

But, it is also true that I don't much like the idea of living in a house that's not mine indefinitely. I also don't like my partner would rather offer me gifts than share finances. It feels icky. It bears saying there's no precedent for that, I've never been given a large gift by him and his will only states I have the right to stay in the house for 6 months after his passing. It's nice to know there could be some help from him in an emergency, but this will not change how I plan out my finances.

I guess I need to sit with - is this truly intolerable or am I making this intolerable for myself.

based on this it does seem you care more for the £ ? and using the whole if he truly loved me his money would be shared etc yet you know why he prefers separate finances

Finances are not a trivial issue. I grew up in poverty. Sometimes my mother and I had nothing to eat but carrots and potatoes. My grandmother was murdered by her neighbours for a pittance. She had meagre savings and she never told them where they were. They beat her to death. This happened because of poverty.

I will never put myself in a position my mother was in. I cannot do it. Marriage is not a negotiable for me when it comes to having children. If my partner cannot trust me enough to share finances with me, I cannot trust him enough to share my body and my life like that.

I want financial security more than I want a child with a man who does not want to marry me. Love is important, but love cannot be a retirement plan.

I would be doing exactly what you are, maxing my investments and asking that if we have children, it’s on the basis that we are married. But maybe there is another way? If you really have that calling to have kids and he is so against marriage could there be something like a trust fund set up for children to support in the event of a split? Perhaps you can make him understand how vulnerable you would be without marriage to protect you and the kids. Ultimately it will be down to you to balance what your priorities are, you might count your blessings on being rent free and build a pot - it will really impressively snowball over time, you could have kids or not based on how you feel at the time. I would under no circumstances give up working though and I would be asking that as the higher earner, he sorts childcare…You are unequal financially and will stay so, the house you live in will increase in value all to his benefit and he will not offer the security of marriage, so don’t feel bad about it. You’ve changed your outlook from a few years ago, he may change his - albeit unlikely, these boards are full of mothers who realise after many years that they are very vulnerable without marriage and everything is fine until someone gets very ill, dies or has their head turned, then it all falls apart.

It can also go two ways, I would also be uncomfortable having someone subsidise holidays I can’t afford, I would just say no, I won’t go. I might also want my partner to be enthusiastic and take a share in choosing things for the house, but you are more likely to be passive on these decisions. Maybe in time he will get fed up with how this restricts his experience.

You are wise to think as you do but maybe there is more you can do to get comfortable or decide that in the end it won’t work for you - and you are better to make the break now before the resentment really kicks in. Bottom line, if something doesn’t feel right, maybe it’s not right for you and will never be.

I don't believe I ever said "if he loved me, the money would be shared". This is about money for the both of us, isn't it? He does not want to share money because he wants to keep his money to himself (as is his right) and I want to share money because I want to share a lifestyle (and I get to want what I want same as he does).

I understand you perhaps want to accuse me of being mercantile or somehow trying to obfuscate the situation. But I'm not, marriage is a financial proposition and I've said as much. Neither of us wants anything unreasonable, it's just not compatible. There's no villains here.

OP
I also don't like my partner would rather offer me gifts than share finances. It feels icky.

Does knows this is what you think? If so, perhaps he thinks you don’t trust him. In this case ‘sharing finances’ means him doing all the sharing.

The simple solution is to become financially independent so you can have a child you can bring up without being dependent on a man.

It's obvious that you want financial security above all. What if your partner were poor? would you even consider him?

By giving you rent free home he offers you an opportunity to build your own savings, buy your place that you could rent out, but it's not enough for you. I guess he's doing right thing

Likely Outcomes
Given their positions, only a few trajectories exist.

Outcome 1 — Status Quo
She accepts:

• separate finances
• no marriage
• independent retirement planning

This effectively becomes a long-term companionship arrangement.

Outcome 2 — Structural Integration
He eventually accepts:

• marriage or civil partnership
• joint financial planning

This converts the relationship into a traditional life partnership.
However, his past divorce suggests low probability.

Outcome 3 — Strategic Exit
She leaves and seeks a partner with aligned goals.
This is the highest compatibility outcome, but also emotionally costly.

This all feels sad to me. Either he doesn't love you enough and doesn't see you as a long term life partner, just someone who's nice to have around at the moment. And he'll marry his next girlfriend straight away. Or, he's been too burned in the past to commit to anybody, and might end up alone because protecting his assets is more important to him than a fully shared future with a partner. Both possibilities are sad.
I don't think I've seen you say whether he wants children but won't have them with you because you consider marriage a precondition and he won't do that? Or he doesn't want them at all and so that's a wider compatibility issue? Fair enough for him if it's the latter. If it's the former, then again it's sad he would ruin that opportunity for himself by prioritising his money.
@ThatPearlkitty I'm sure the OP knows how to use chatgpt if she wants to.

I think that the way that this conversation has been had with him. I'm not sure if the relationship long. Term is viable because beneath it all, you're basically asking for access to his money. And that is important for your sense of future financial security. Because what his financial security can do for Your future is more than what you think. Your financial security that you can generate yourself can do for your future. You may not have meant it to come across like that. But that's how it comes across. And it makes it difficult to consider any kind of relationship or marriage. Because it doesn't actually benefit him in any way. Especially the way that you set up the conversation, I don't know if you would be better off talking to a therapist about how you value things and your own personal securities. But I would be backing off this conversation and having a look at how you have come to this point in yourself, where you as a relatively young woman, i've decided that you do not have a way to secure a financial future for yourself.Other than through marriage to this person

I think that the way that this conversation has been had with him. I'm not sure if the relationship long. Term is viable because beneath it all, you're basically asking for access to his money. And that is important for your sense of future financial security. Because what his financial security can do for Your future is more than what you think. Your financial security that you can generate yourself can do for your future. You may not have meant it to come across like that. But that's how it comes across. And it makes it difficult to consider any kind of relationship or marriage. Because it doesn't actually benefit him in any way. Especially the way that you set up the conversation, I don't know if you would be better off talking to a therapist about how you value things and your own personal securities. But I would be backing off this conversation and having a look at how you have come to this point in yourself, where you as a relatively young woman, i've decided that you do not have a way to secure a financial future for yourself.Other than through marriage to this person

The problem is I think OP is going to be hard pressed to find anyone who would be willing to pool resources and build a future together if that includes financially supporting her parents in their old age; in this situation OP might always need to have her own separate finances if she wishes to provide support.

You need to save save save and buy yourself a small place on the outskirts of town.
He isn’t the one for you.

If you move in with him, it is trap. You become his low maintenance companion for little financial risk on his part.

What you are giving up is the chance of meeting another person to build a family life with whilst you are young enough to do so. If you had your own place, you can come and go as you please and invite anyone home. If you live with him, you'd feel under surveillance and not be able to easily find another partner. These are the best years of your life to do so if you want children.

This is what underlies your cognitive dissonance. You are actually giving up a lot more than you realise. Moving in will amount to golden handcuffs and he is not acknowledging what you are sacrificing nor compensating you for the loss of your fertile life and the ability to build a meaningful family with another partner.

You need to think about how important children are to you and if so, it is ultimatum time for him. PS I agree no marriage no children. Alternatively, don't issue him an ultimatum and continue your arrangement but with you living in your own place and not moving into his. But use this time to find another bloke.

Don't sleepwalk into losing all your options by postponing the decision about children and marriage.

How would having children work with your plan to move to another country to look after your mom?

she would like to get married and have children with this man—and I understand these feelings of discomfort entirely. people who have more don’t really understand that they have more power and it feels very uncomfortable. saying he will pay for vacations if she cannot or this gives her a chance to catch up —Inget it. It’s nice. It’s fair. But it doesn’t feel safe, secure, or like building something g. I am so sorry. It is hard.

I think that all the people who come at OP with platitudes like "love is the most important thing 💜" have never really been poor (and good for them).
OP, you sound like you've had a very tough childhood an like your mother sacrificed a lot for you to be where you are today. I can sympathise, I remember how it was having nothing.
Ultimately, it is for you to decide whether you want to stay with your partner - and then you will have to mentally separate "yours" from "his", and come to terms with it. I also wouldn't have children if marriage wasn't on the table, what if you have a complicated birth with resulting health issues? No one will guarantee you that he won't just up and leave like your father.
If you cannot compromise and really want a child, however, then you need to be honest with him and end it. Otherwise you'll just be using him.

Just to add... Your third option would be to have a child with him anyway, if you can accept that you might end up as a single mum. He sounds like a decent man, so it might not be as bad if it should end up that way.

I think you need therapy. What’s wrong with him paying for a holiday? Or you saying what time is the meeting with the designer, I want to be there if I can? You’re making yourself small by only inhabiting spaces you’re invited to. You’re not his ex, who sounds awful. Save your deposit for your own wealth, buy a cushion or picture you like as an important step- if he can’t cope with that then you have an entirely different conversation, because anyone who lives with me has to put up with my taste and if it’s a man inviting me to live in his home I just assume that comes with permission to put up a picture or it wasn’t a real invitation to ‘live’ there and I’d tell him I had better move out. I’m not saying his attitude is perfect , he also sounds like a bad communicator and not generous enough for me, but you can work on your own hang ups here and then see where you are in the relationship. I would never have kids outside of marriage so think deeply about whether he’s your future but in the meantime it will only be good for you to learn to take up space comfortably.

Don’t do this. The op won’t do this anyway, but don’t do this. If he won’t be married because he doesn’t respect the op is nothing like his ex, he’s not dad material. It’s his mistake choosing his ex, it’s not something he should get away with punishing the op for.