Separate finances when one partner has more wealth

[FancyMauveHare]

My partner and I are coming up on 5 years together but have only recently started living together. We are in our 30s.

When I met him I was not interested in living with a partner and he was recently divorced and didn't fancy that either. It worked well for us, we both had largely the same lifestyle and both were renting studios not far from each other.

My reasons for living in a gritty studio was saving for a deposit. I have no family wealth and have not received any financial help from family since I was a teenager.

He has now bought a house outright and is receiving monthly payments of £1-3K from parents to renovate it. We have a contract to say he has to give me several months notice if he wants me to move out and I have no beneficial interest in the house, he's solely responsible for all house expenses and we are jointly responsible for utilities only.

I have always been a proponent of separate finances in my 20s, but I've also never been in a life partnership before. I am becoming uneasy with the very obvious wealth disparity between us. My partner is as frugal same as me, so our spending (minus the renovations) is largely the same, however, my financial planning is predicated on having to financially support both my parents when they are elderly and being the only person I can rely on financially in case of an emergency. He has never had to financially plan anything - he says he always lived below his means and that's enough.

Living in a house that's not mine makes me feel uneasy. He says he wants me to feel like it's my home, but I don't feel like it. I don't feel like it's my place to be deciding on decorations even though he consults me because I don't want to be the reason he chooses the more expensive option. I don't feel like investing my own money because the house is not mine. I don't want to be living like this in 10 years time.

My partner says if my budget ever not allows me to afford something (like a holiday), he'll just pay for me. But most likely thing is that I just won't accept it. I think it would create a weird power dynamic.

Does anybody have any advice and tips on how to navigate wealth disparity between unmarried partners? (Marriage is not an option as he does not want to be married again).

You could use the relationship as a period during which you can save more towards a deposit, and who knows, the relationship may develop into an engagement and marriage.

But I think you need to put an end date on it. And if you want children, you need to leave now and look for a different life. You are right to feel that this is not your home.

You’ve decided you want children, and are in your mid 30s, so why are you saying you think you can’t?

How long have you been dating and living together?

Your boyfriend, given his concern for his own financial security, will be well aware of the risks of pregnancy and birth for your health and the ‘motherhood penalty’ at work, and if he loves you should understand that you would want marriage or to continue to work full time after DC, with your paid work being of at least equal to his.

If he won’t agree to either and wants to wait some years before ttc (as he can as his fertility situation is different) would walk away.

Or you could split up asap and hope and try to meet someone else.

If you do ttc with your boyfriend it’d also be sensible to discuss your future wishes about your mum. Many in the UK would be unwilling to financially support in law(s) and/or to agree to their DC moving or having extended visits abroad (should you have DC under 18 and want to personally care for your mum).

If he hated paying for everything in his marriage, why would he be happy to pay for me?

His ex wife refused to work, presumably you work if you say you are saving? He’s not offering to pay for your whole lifestyle and keep you, you would be working and able to buy things yourself.

This sounds like it’s your problem. He has made it clear he wants to protect his assets but equally he is fine letting you have a say. He has no problem with paying for a holiday for you. It’s you that is holding back on these things.

A pp has asked how you see having children and desire to care for your mother abroad working out. This is an important question as I don’t think you can do both.

Yes, he does know. I haven't said anything here I haven't told him. He does know I don't like the idea of gifts and I do think it's just words. But more importantly I can't imagine letting an adult pay for me like that as if I'm a child.

Think positive! This is an opportunity for you to invest in your future and save like mad. This situation will secure your financial future if you are wise, or you could just spend the money you dont spend on rent. Get your deposit together and buy yourself a property.

I've build my savings without him during the course of our relationship. I already had an emergency fund large enough to last me four months if I were made redundant and enough deposit for a flat in the centre of my city or a small house on the outskirts. I already had a pension pot projected to be enough for a moderate level retirement for a single person.

If my partner were poor I can't imagine I'd consider having children with him. Or if you mean, would I even consider having a relationship with him - the fact that my current partner is so posh was a negative for me at the beginning of our dating life. I wasn't interested in a long term relationship with him for a long time, it was he who insisted he wanted me to be his life partner and wanted us to live together and wanted me introduced to his family as soon as possible. The first time I met his parents was after his near death experience last year even though he'd been inviting me for years.

I'm not sure why would me buying a BTL place should be a satisfying solution here. My problem isn't that I'm not on a property ladder, my problem is that to me a life partner is someone you share a lifestyle with. And living rent free isn't a sacrifice on his part, it's just that he has a spare room in a house he owns outright. When he lived in my studio for months after his accident I also didn't charge him any rent or asked to share utility bills although I was renting.

I don't think there's anything nefarious about wanting to be married?

He did say he wanted children and was very happy when we decided to start trying soon. But when I said "before this we must get a civil partnership", he completely panicked. He eventually reluctantly agreed that if I were to get pregnant we have to have a civil partnership/marriage. He spoke to his sister who got his head screwed on straight about this. But he also says he does not want marriage/civil partnership and if there's no children he will never agree to it.

So here's my issue - if he does not want marriage, how can he want marriage + children? Doesn't make any sense to me.

I interpret this as either - he actually does not want children or wants them very little. I don't want to have a child with a man who would rather be legally single and childfree.

There’s nothing nefarious about wanting marriage OP, but you seem to have convinced yourself that if he marries you, it will legitimise your having access to all his money. But your issues with money are very deep rooted and I’d be wary of thinking that marriage will solve all your problems.

You’ll still think the way you do, and there’s no guarantee that he’d suddenly be handing over his bank cards. I wouldn’t if I was him, and had had his first marriage.

Based on the very limited information I have, it seems to me that it is a delicate situation, but you're making your life harder than it needs to be.
I do that as well, and when I notice it, I try to imagine how a secure woman (with more self worth than me) would act. And try to think what would be real red flags that your partner could show (because you may me worrying about things that are not bad. Or you may be ignoring real red flags, I don't know. I come from a difficult home and a long abusive marriage. I know the struggle is real).

I think this is the solution. I need to shift my gears and stop nesting. I think the issue is, I started nesting in preparation for a baby since we've spent over 6 months discussing it as a possibility. So I started thinking of us as a family unit and getting progressively uncomfortable with our wealth disparity and still having to sort and plan out my finances like I'm single.

My partner is essentially telling me he wants a life-long companionship, not a life partnership. And I just need to take this opportunity to save up and get my own place and just be grateful I've had the opportunity to save more rapidly.

It's disappointing, but it is what it is and I need to just stop thinking of this relationship as a family unit.

You’re sabotaging what seems like a good relationship with a decent man OP.

Use some of the money you are saving on rent to get some therapy to unpick your issues around money and security.

You are, objectively, in a really good position, and a lot of that is down to your own efforts.

Please don’t get pregnant first and trust him to follow through on his promise of a civil partnership after it’s already too late for you to go back and undo the pregnancy…

This is precisely what marriage is - you are sharing the entirety of you finances with a partner. Pensions, savings, and marital home. In the eyes of the government you're one financial entity, that's why married people get tax benefits unmarried people do not, for example, not having to pay inheritance tax upon death.

Yes, I would want to operate like all money is shared and plan for our shared future and lifestyle like we are one unit. At the moment I have more savings than him (£30k for a deposit, £5K emergency fund, £2K in stocks) as he sunk his entire savings into the house. If we were married I'd want to bring that pot in and share it according to what we need as a unit, to invest into the house as an equal partner and get the kitchen renovated too. We have the same take home pay (he just has better pension as it's defined benefit) and I have a much higher growth potential as I work in tech and he has already pretty much maxed out what he can earn in his industry. We would be quite wealthy together long-term in no small part to my earning potential and investment strategy.

I won't apologise for wanting to live like this with my own partner.

That I am sure I would never do! Under no circumstances will I have unprotected sex without financial security first.

By renting you are living in a house that is not yours
By renting you are paying someone else’s mortgage

You could continue to save for your own deposit and buy your own property / build your own security while benefitting from cheaper shared overheads and rent free status.

Or pay him an amount as rent if that makes you feel more independent. You would still be ahead and able to build savings.

I think the big disparity in out look is his divorced status rather than income. He’s been married, he’s twice shy.

In your shoes I would not have kids without marrying because your ability to continue saving for your own security will likely be more compromised by motherhood than his by fatherhood.

That is a calm conversation you could have with him about having children , rather than the house and money.

It would be unwise, anyway, IMO, to have children without someone you have not lived with

I would prioritise buying your own property and renting it out. DP and I had a huge income disparity early on but I owned my own property (which I let out) so I knew I had that to fall back on.

We now have two DC and I’m a SAHM, I sold my property, our family home (which he paid for) is in joint names and all our savings (the proceeds of my property sale and his income) is split 50/50. It seemed appropriate to do it this way once the DC were born so both me and the kids have security, but I was happy with the situation as it was before the DC arrived.

I agree with putting an end date on it. I know mumsnet hates ultimatums but I think it is ultimatum time as there's no incentive for him to do anything differently now while he's having his cake and eating it. I would say you will be leaving in one year if you're not engaged by then, and use that year to save like mad as pp have said. You sound lovely OP and you're thinking a lot about his feelings not being unreasonable but I think he really is unreasonable. You are NOT his ex (you sound the opposite of her) so it's not fair to project his feelings about her behaviour onto you.

I think this man is getting a spectacularly easy ride, for Mumsnet. I think he's messed you around. Discussing children seriously with you for months but then changing his mind when he realised he would have to offer financial stability to the mother? He really is prioritising protecting his asset over having a family. What's silly though is that he's acting as if you're a workshy scrounge or something. Given the significant amount of money you have yourself and the fact that you have higher earning potential than he has, he would probably actually be better off sharing his finances with you than keeping them separate. And you're right, that is what a life partnership involves. Me and DH were only able to buy a house because of inheritances I received myself, and that accounts for a huge proportion of our equity. It's never even crossed my mind though that the house shouldn't be jointly owned by the two of us. If we're committed to each other and he's my partner for life, what's the sense in keeping anything separate? If you stick with him then it's basically casual dating forever, which sounds like it suits him just fine. He doesn't really trust you or see you as a permanent fixture in his life. Are you happy to settle for that?

@FancyMauveHare have you considered chatgpt to assist your analysis ?

Why would she? OP seems pretty smart (albeit trying herself in knots) and Chat GPT is pretty dumb.

We have been together for 5 years and living together for 5 months. I should say before living together our flats were 10 mins walk apart and by 2 years in we spent almost all evenings together and all weekends. We pretty much lived in my studio with him using his flat as storage and a flat for guests if I'm honest.

I'm saying I don't think I can have children because I don't just want children, I want children with him. I've never had any desire to have a child before him and honestly never imagined I would ever want a child. If we separate, I won't be looking for someone to have a child with because it won't be him. And, I'd need to know someone for many years to feel comfortable with the idea, which, at 35 means I'll be past my fertile years.

I have spoken to him about my want to look after my mother when she needs it and he said he'll support me. He says he'll support me no matter what I say, really.

My mother just turned 58 and is in very good health and we have no conditions running in our family. I can imagine she might need help when she's in her 80s and if we have a child now this won't be a problem. If she suddenly falls sick when the child is a toddler, this is something we'd need to figure out on the fly as I can imagine my preference would be to prioritise the child. If there's no child, then I'm saving to be able to temporarily move home if needed.

The OPs partner has made it clear he doesn’t want to share his money. He has been clear. The OP has moved on knowing this is the case but is now trying to change his mind.

Not quite. He previously said he does not mind it. I have also not wanted to share money before moving in. We have then both changed our minds.

I would not say I'm trying to change my partner's mind, I have no interest in forcing him to do something he does not want to do. In fact, he was extremely reluctant to admit he does not want to get married but I suspected this was the case. It was only after days of discussion he finally admitted he's realised he does not want marriage. In anything, I feel like I helped him admit to this by having a very frank conversation?

Just because two people don't agree on something, doesn't mean we're trying to change each other's minds. He also is not pressuring me to have a child with no marriage because he understands I don't want that. I won't pressure him into a marriage he doesn't want either.

I don’t think arrangements like this work for a life partnership (with or without marriage). I think you either have to live to a standard where you can both contribute comfortably, or the wealthier partner has to have the generosity to genuinely share their wealth and consider it “ours” not “mine”. Not necessarily for major assets like a house, but definitely for smaller ones, issues that affect your daily life (like decorating, holidays etc) and shared financial goals etc. Is your partner that generous, and makes it clear that he means it, OP? Is the issue that you don’t really believe he wants to share, based on his actions and things he says? Or is it that he genuinely does mean it but you feel uncomfortable accepting?

I can understand if he is willing to share and you find that uncomfortable at first. It’s how I felt when my husband and I got together and he earns a lot more than I do. I took a lot of baby steps in “spending his money” before it felt natural to share. However, the biggest thing that made me comfortable with it was getting married and having children, so it’s easier for me to feel like we are an equal partnership as I contribute a lot of non-financial things. I get why it’s difficult to avoid feeling like you’re taking advantage otherwise.

As an aside, him saying “he just lives below his means and that’s enough” is laughable when he’s taking £12-36k a year in handouts from his parents, btw. You can’t claim to be living below your means when someone else is financing the ownership/renovation of your home (most people’s biggest expense)!