Should I dump this man over sex or keep seeing him

[Mynotebookisfull]

Sorry it's long but want to avoid obvious questions.

I've recently met and have been dating a man. I'm early 40s he's late 40s. He ticks a lot of my boxes and is clear about what he wants which makes a change from so many men I've met through the apps! He has lots of good qualities.

Now the sticking point - sex. We've slept together - in the same bed - and had some intimacy but no actual sex. I'm all for talking about issues early so we've had a conversation initiated by me.

Short story is he doesn't do penetrative or oral sex from what I can gather. He has some issues clearly but I don't know yet where it stems from. It doesn't sound like his last two relationships were sexual in the traditional sense and he prefers role play, toys, kink (spanking, dirty talk, leaning into role play dynamics) and self pleasure - basically wanking next to each other. He says he has ED and viagra doesn't help. He probably hasn't had PIV sex in nearly two decades.

When we've been together he's touched himself but not me sexually although he is cuddly and affectionate. Not a hand on a boob let alone between my legs. When we've been intimate we've kissed (but not much, he doesn't particularly enjoy snogging or initiate it). It feels a bit like we're having seperate sexual experiences next to each other rather than 'together' if that makes sense.

I like vanilla sex I suppose you would say and feel it's important for intimacy and my enjoyment. I love kissing and touch. I need that 'normal' sex to bond with someone and feel close before moving on to kinks and other stuff.

Can I really continue seeing a man who doesn't do penetrative or oral sex at all?
I know sex might not always be as important to me as I move through menopause - but now I'm peri and horny and I love sex.
Appreciate any views or things I haven't considered.
Should I keep talking to him about it? Should I see if he tries to do something different? We've only just had the conversation - he knows what I want. Do I give him a chance to deliver or at least try?

It's not a conversation he enjoys or finds easy... I suspect deep repressed issues and yes I have considered whether he's grossed out by women's genitals or is gay etc.
I don't want to waste my time or life or have to teach a man how to fuck, frankly.

For contrast the last few men I've dated I've had great sex but they've been crap in so many other ways.
This one is great in the ways they were rubbish and I'm conscious of just discarding an otherwise good man - there aren't many out there and I do want a relationship.

Why would you be with someone who has such mis-matched needs, expectations and actions?
Better people are out there.

It's very common for men who watch a lot of porn to have ED.
He has watched so much porn he can't get off though sex with a woman, it doesn't do it for him, he desesitised to sex. That's why he likes kink, something different that might get him off and it's most likely the type of porn he likes at the moment.

I couldn’t live without PIV no matter who it was.

He's attuned his sexual needs to his own hand and visuals; if he was asexual then he wouldn't want the kinky stuff or to wank. I think a lot of men come to kink through porn.

And then there's the "death grip" - holding himself tightly means that anything less tight than his own fist won't give him as much pleasure or might even prevent him from orgasming. He said he struggles with ED - I guess it could potentially be related to very specific turn ons.

FWIW I would run for the hills, but sex is very important to me in a new relationship at least.

Yes I guess I'm thinking about it from this perspective. If someone can't have 'normal' sex for whatever reason (psychological, medical, disability) they can deserve love and intimacy in other ways. I'm very good at being devil's advocate and looking at the bigger picture but perhaps with this one need to be immediately selfish. But this chap does have a lot of other great points.

Does he want to do or receive the spanking? What kind of role play?

I'm trying to figure out if he's sub or just really lazy (could be both), and in what ways he does actually want you to be intimate with each other. Whether he's got any interest in pleasing you at all or doing anything truly shared. It all sounds pretty crap to me.

Agree.

The only thing he’s good for is a friend or if you’re not really into sex.
Staying in a relationship with him will destroy your self esteem.
I once had a relationship with a man who hated oral sex, I thought I could take or leave it but after 18months without it ( whilst he expected bj’s), I really missed having the choice.
It was all about his satisfaction and I realised he was pretty self centred .
You deserve to be desired , don’t settle for less !

Doesn't sound like you're overall compatible - would be important to me, would be less so to others. Only you know how important a 'typical' sex life is to you, I suppose!

Lord no. Ewww. Instant ick. No being able to perform/ being more friends/ if you were both happy but lying next to eachother wanking. Just no.

Then keep him as a friend and find someone else to have an intimate relationship with.

I mean you need to run. I could understand if there were issues, for whatever reason, with PIV, but that he circumvented it by other means. But the fact that he won’t touch your boobs or between your legs but is ok with all manner of kinks is frankly weird as fuck. Run so bloody fast.

@Shatteredallthetimelately

But he can have sex. Just in a very specific and prescriptive way.

I am not sure what you are defending - he is not ill or disabled or injured or anything.

He is selfish.

No - kissing, touching, PIV or oral for OP.

Watching him wank next to her while providing the kink factor.

How would this be satisfactory for the OP?

This is NOWHERE near what you are suggesting ie someone incapacitated by ill health. This is either

• selfish lover
• excessive porn use, porn addled brain
• asexual
• not heterosexual

Why would you recommend this option to a woman who has described herself as liking vanilla sex incl. PIV and kissing?

Would you recommend this man as an option in real life?

😒my face reading this
you say you have high standards? I dread to think what low is to you.
Get rid, he gives me the creeps.

Has he expressed why he won't give oral or finger you? The ED is his excuse for not being touched, but it in no way prevents him from touching you.

It's a porn problem, as others have said. I reckon he's probably also got a voyeuristic/exhibitionist fetish and so the mutual wanking is feeding into that. If it's a full on fetish, then he won't be able to get off any other way, it's not like a bit of kinky fun that a lot of couples can enjoy healthily, a fetish has to be present in all sexual scenarios in order for the person to get aroused or orgasm.

Fetish or not, it's extremely selfish of him to just expect you to agree to never being touched. It'd be one thing if he asked you to indulge him but made sure to pleasure you too. But he isn't.

I also enjoyed this description 🤣🤣🤣

Grim OP just grim. Bin, run, don’t look back.

Whatever his issues, don't sacrifice your own sexual future/pleasure on the altar of trying fix him or keep him happy. He is frankly not your problem.

they can deserve love and intimacy in other ways. I'm very good at being devil's advocate and looking at the bigger picture but perhaps with this one need to be immediately selfish.

He can deserve love and intimacy but he needs to find someone who is a good fit, who doesn't ever want to be touched or kissed, and is happy to lie next to him while he has a wank in a gimp mask. It doesn't sound like this is you.

Of course you need to be immediately selfish! When else would be a better idea to put yourself and your needs and feelings at the top of the pile other than when "intentionally dating"?

He's got some really unusual habits around sex. That's a fact. There might be someone out there for him, but please don't be Mother Theresa and go along with this, just because he's looking for marriage. Of course he is! But his search will be a long and bumpy road unless he can do the required work and be able to frame his requirements with some verbal explanations to someone who likes a lot of personal space.

Been there, dumped that. Porn addiction and death grip causing ED, and mine was only mid 20s at the time. He was also selfish, it was all about trying to get him off or even hard and not about me at all. Run.

He's not had sex since he was late 20's?? Wow.

Ultimatum time, he either tries everything you like or it's over.

Why the hell should OP do all that for one early relationship random bloke? Fuck running round after them, paying for therapy WTF!! he’s old enough to look after himself. If he wants a Mammy to tell him what to do, there’s websites for that.

Fuck me, some women really do think we are put on this earth to service and look after men don’t they.

How long have you been seeing him? I wouldn’t invest any more time in this situation.

Neither of you are wrong in how you feel or what you enjoy sexually, you’re just not compatible. Yes there’s a lot more to a relationship than sex but I think sex can become more of a big deal when you’re not having it.

I've read OP posts but not the rest of the thread. My first thought was that he's pornsick, as others have clearly also suggested. Pornsick men struggle with ED and reaching climax. I understand that this is partly because they wank with an increasingly tight "death grip" and PIV or intimate partner touch ceases to do it for them any more. The interest in kink scenes etc also waves a red flag at me, not in isolation but in the bigger picture, I just think he's likely to turn out to be somebody who doesn't like or respect women very much.

It's easy being on the outside telling somebody else what they should do, but I've also been in similar situations. Once, was a guy who I was interested in exploring a relationship with, who openly explained the problem (pornsick/deathgrip). He was very good and useful with his hands on me and the issue wasn't why we didn't pursue a relationship. If he'd have not been so good with his hands and keen on my pleasure, there's no way I would have continued it.

The other was many years previously, a guy who had an injury induced ED. My god he was the best sex I ever had! Super keen and interested in my pleasure, said that he got a lot of enjoyment out of making me enjoy myself. We just didnt' do a lot of PIV. I was uncomfortable that I couldn't really give back, and I broke up with him for a different reason but with the ED also in the back of my mind as a secondary reason. I really regret breaking up with him, both for his personality and for the amazing intimacy.

I know myself well enough these days that I 100% wouldn't pursue something with a man who wasn't interested in intimacy, and specifically they need to give a damn about MY O. I had enough boyfriends in my younger years who I faked it with because they weren't any good, and who were only interested in theirs to know that men like that are 10 a penny and not worth my while.

If he really is such a good match in every other way, I'd try to salvage a good friendship from it.

I don’t get what you are getting from
him sexually. I mean you can do all that yourself can’t you?

I think oral and PIV sex often stops working because they grip too hard and nothing other than their hand works after a while....