I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

There’s no indication she expected him to be grateful. All I get from the OP is that she was upset at being ridiculed/patronised.

Why should she have told him first? Do you tell your new partners how many people you’ve previously slept with? Because I see a LOT of threads on MN about NOT feeling obliged to share this info with a partner.

nobody said she was a weirdo and nobody said that anybody was a slag. You’re putting words into my mouth and trying to project your own opinions onto everybody else which appears to be fine when you do it but you don’t like it when anybody else does 🤦‍♀️

it's not really important what you meant or didn't mean by it- it's important that you really upset her. You lose absolutely nothing by dropping your defensiveness and just making it up to her.

(If you don't believe her, that's a whole different issue.)

No, it's not weird she just told him. Look at his reaction. She was precisely trying to take the gift tag off it .

Secondly a bunch of flowers and invalidating and excusing what he said by saying it was a self put down ? No.

If he asks himself and can look at himself truthfully enough... he will admit he wasn't saying it solely to be self effacing...and repeating that will only make her feel gaslit. It was also a dig at how much fun she missed out on unnecessarily and how much fun he had, and a questioning of her value system and experience of sex.

Op own what you said , how it made her feel , regardless of your intention (and explore your own intention with honesty on your own time regardless, just as an exercise in being honest with yourself).. and then listen to what she is saying. Let it sink in . And understand that sex for her is about feeling safe and emitonally connected. You can explain what sex has meant to you in the past and that's totally valid and also healthy by the way..then meet her where she is at now so that you can build a stronger emitonally connected sex life that blows any discussion if any past out of the water.

Sex with a long term partner is a totally different ball game and so much can be gained if you enter trying to meet her person in front of you Connection, respect, communication and safety is king. Or you can just feel superior that you had more sex..your choice

So many posters are calling her weird, unhealthy and naive. He blurted out that she’d “wasted her youth”, which is degrading her worth just as much as if a man said a non-virgin is used goods.

Yup. As usual, if the sexes were reversed, OP would be told she'd done nothing wrong and her DH was weird or controlling or something for having waited until marriage before having sex.

No. I don't advocate men forcing themselves to have sex they don't want either to satisfy some unknown ideal amount of sexual experience. It's a pretty core value of mine.

Looking through this thread one does wonder if this is real or - as pp have suggested- one of those male posters who comes here to induce women to discuss things like virginity and inadequate sexual performance, and tell him off...

Why do the men on here who post these kind of 'help me sort out this problem I've cause' threads always seem like such panty waist, lacklustre, emotional desert dick heads?

It was her business to share if she was virgin when you first slept together, you had no right to that information.

You're centering yourself in something deeply personal about her that she shared with you. You've shamed her and made her feel inadequate. You've shown her that you can't be trusted with vulnerability and deeply personal information - everything which you should be able to trust your spouse with.

This isn't about you, stop trying it make it so.

And if you think you're not good in bed, well then - up your game. Explore together, but it will require deep trust and youve massively undermined that.

(Do you really think it's preferable that your wife experiences great sex before confining herself to mediocre sex for life with you?)

Saying she wasted her youth because she didn’t have mindless sex is a ridiculous thing to say. You could have literally said ANYTHING but that.

What choice did she take from you? You said you don’t careabout virginity. I’d cut that attitude real fast because way to make it all
about yourself.

And absolutely do NOT take her to a restaurant to discuss it further. She waited to tell you until you'd been married 6 months - she will not want this discussed in public.

And quite frankly if I were her and you took me to a restaurant to discuss it after reacting the way you have, I'd be rethinking the whole marriage.

sometimes cos being seen as that is their fetish... :(

Yes, there have certainly been others of that type on here, clearly enjoying themselves no end.

Even grimmer bastards than I already had them down as.

Sounds like he meant what he said, not that it came out wrong and was a mistake. And he is doubling down on it basically saying he wouldn't have had sex with her and therefore presumably would never have have married her if he had known she was a virgin. Quite nasty really, he supports women having lots of sex, but doesn't support them choosing to remain a virgin.

And now I don't believe for a minute that he think he is bad at sex with all his experience, it's just a cop out.

"Wow, you wasted your youth"

That doesn't sound like you're insulting yourself or implying you're bad at sex. It sounds like you're insulting her. As if you think she was stupid and her decision in some way freakish.

The truth is, she waited for a circumstance in which she was comfortable. Unless there's a detail I missed here, it doesn't sound like it was even for religious or conservative reasons - she just wanted her first time to be with someone she trusted, and felt she could build a future with. It's good that you haven't treated her virginity as a fetish, but it's awful that you responded the way you did.

Her virginity wasn't a prize she awarded you. There's no indication she viewed it that way, despite what other posters are assuming. If that was the case, you wouldn't only be finding out about it two years down the line. It sounds more like it was a matter of trust. If so, then your thoughtless response will have her questioning the very foundation of the relationship. Because you mocked the trust she placed in you. You implied it was misplaced. You belittled her and made her feel abnormal in a moment of vulnerability. I honestly don't know how you come back from that.

And that's not even touching the whole "Oh, no, it's me, see? I'm just so bad at sex, I feel bad for you!" thing. Is that an actual issue you've been working on? Or just something you said to be self-deprecating and 'funny' in the moment? If it's a real issue, your wife won't have appreciated you joking about it. If it isn't, she won't have appreciated the 'joke' either. She'll have wanted a sincere apology, not a clumsy lie.

lol I think she probably wanted to hear “wow you’re not like all the other girls, you’re so pure and high value”. You might have felt special if you’d known and had time to process before the event, but you’re bloody married now and have presumably been having sex for almost 2 years. IMO it’s odd to tell you that and expect some big wow moment.

What makes you say that? What evidence is there in what the op has written? 🙄

That first sentence sounds strangely defensive

This is so judgemental and vile.

If she had wanted to make a big deal of it, she would have told him at the time. There is no reason whatsoever to think she wanted a big reaction - besides your own hateful assumptions about women who choose to wait.

She was saying she chose him because she knew she wanted to marry him- and he rejected her in the worst possible way. Not only did he not acknowledge her comfort with and love for him, but he demeaned and belittled her personal choice and acted like she’s a tragic freak. And he’s essentially said she’s old and low value.

You can write exactly under a post that agrees with only your viewpoint but it's your wife you've hurt and you've devalued her values.

You need to fix this.

So get out of your way of thinking and start thinking about your wife.
For what it's worth, not wasting her youth shagging anything that moved, I highly doubt she's missed much.
This was important to her and you minimised it.

Well, as you say, having sex with random folks didn’t help op much, did it? He admits his wife will never have good sex in her life and wasted her youth waiting for him.

Lots of people don’t enjoy that sort of thing, they want to be in love to feel comfortable and and want sex.

Having long term relationships is beneficial, but it’s possible she did do other sexual acts, just not PIV

Agree with everyone else.

When you've made it up to your wife you do need to put a lot of thought into why you say you're bad at sex.

Are you actually perfectly fine, but have watched too much porn and have unreasonable expectations of how women react to good sex. Or are you truly not great. If the latter what are you doing to improve for the benefit of both of you?