I think I might have reacted badly to news my wife gave me and I am wondering how to fix it

[gotew82674]

I (30M) have been married to my wife (29F) for 6 months, together for about 2 years total. When we first started dating, we didn’t have sex until around the 3-month mark because she said she prefers to wait a while before becoming intimate. That was unusual for me, but I liked her a lot and respected her boundary.
Recently, she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever. She had dated other people before me, so I assumed she’d had prior sexual relationships, but she said she hadn’t. I asked why, and she explained that as a teenager she made a conscious decision to wait until she met someone she felt she could eventually marry. She said she believed that person was me.
I was honestly stunned, and the first thing out of my mouth was, “Wow, you wasted your youth.” She looked really taken aback. I tried to explain that I meant I felt bad for her because I don’t think I’m particularly good in bed and that she never got the chance to have other experiences. She then said I had completely ruined the moment and didn’t want to talk for the rest of the night.
I didn’t mean to hurt her. I was just surprised and reacted without thinking, in fairness I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended, but I would love to hear from the women on here as to whether or not what I said was really insensitive.
How would she be feeling? How do I fix this?

You both have some weird ideas about sex tbh.

Most men are underwhelming in bed. There's no need to feel 'sad' for her not playing the field. In the same vein her 'saving herself' for her forever person is naive and old fashioned, but you're being disingenuous to say you didn't care about her virginity while also saying you'd have put more pressure on yourself and felt anxious if you had known.

It's all pretty dysfunctional.

Would you say someone needs to tell you the number of partners they've had before they have sex with you. I suspect the answer is no. If not, then why do they need to tell you when that number is 0?

It seems that your negative reaction to this news is borne of your own insecurities about how "good" you are at sex. Which frankly, is bollocks. How good you are at sex is an entirely subjective judgement based on each individual partner, and whats more it's not something thats set in stone.

I've spent 20 years with DP, and we're both still finding out new things about each other, getting better at pleasing each other. Good sex is something that is unique to each couple, and it's not some innate thing you're either good at or not, it's something that can and should be learnt.

If you want to salvage this with your partner, then you need to first apologise, and then explain exactly why your insecurities caused this reaction. Then you're going to need some long honest conversations with each other about whether your sex life if actually lacking, and if so what you can do to improve things in that regard.

If she had told you something personal she never felt trust enough to tell anyone before, and said she just needed to trust someone deeply enough to share that part of herself ...

Do you think she would be expecting that telling you this was a sort of gift to you???? Is that how you would read it??

Or was she simply telling you how vulnerable it makes her, how much importance she assigns it and that you are the only person she feels safe enough with.

She wasn't saying she saved her self for you as a gift. She was saying she needed to feel security and free the fear of judgement and
abandonment before being with someone in that way.

Women have a tonne of shit to put up with in regards to how their body and sexuality is judged and it's not easy, especially in some cultural contexts

Neither view is more healthy towards sex, and it's condescending to assume so. She just assigned more depth and emotional intimacy to it .Who the hell is anyone else to decide what sex means to an individual?

You have the choice to dig in and hold on your view, and keep making her feel sexually small, which won't do any of you favours in or out of the bedroom ... or meet her where she is at and actually try to understand what she is telling you with actual curiosity and care. She is not asking you to change your stance, just to value hers.

Truthfully also find a way to make it up to her and make her feel how unique she is to you in some way because it's humiliating to be told you missed out..and it certainly isn't implicit that your thinking was that she missed out because you are bad... It could even be read to mean she missed out on gaining experience so she could be better.. she missed out, because you had such a great time before her and if only she could have experience it..

Put another way, she could have wasted her youth shagging a bunch of strangers and feeling used. Instead she chose to respect herself and her body.

I don’t think MN was ever going to give you a rounded opinion 🥴
There are some right snowflakes here who would get offended in an empty room.
Fair play to you for putting your head above the pulpit to ask though, which I think speaks more about your character.
I think your view about sex is quite healthy and that you felt comfortable enough to have a joke at your own expense shows you can be vulnerable too.
If she’s upset, just explain exactly the way you have here, apologise for your perceived clumsiness and move on.
If she’s upset wants to make more of it than it is - that’s her problem 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yes, that's perfectly possible, if she had poor self-esteem and no boundaries, and made bad choices about who to sleep with.

On the other hand, it's also perfectly possible that she would have had a lot of carefree fun, learned a lot about her own pleasure and different people's different sexual styles, and not ended up stuck with someone who, by his own account, is bad at sex, because of her own inexperience and lack of material for comparison.

I’m with you op. Although I’m always amazed that people get married without completely knowing everything they can about the other person. The fact that she withheld that information all this time suggests a secretive mindset. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that.

It wouldn't have been something I would've said but does kind of beg the question why had she not told you beforehand?. Let's hope you haven't sown the seed & offended her to the point where she will wonder what it would be like to experience sex with another man. It's certainly a consideration for you moving forward!

This idea she should have had more sex to satisfy some ideal number of partners feels very rapey to me. I haven't just slept with dh but I find that allowing someone inside me is an incredibly intimate thing. I wouldn't do it with many people as it means a lot to me. Being willing to fully let myself go with them is another level of trust that I've only had with dh. It's just the way I'm built.

That's your opinion.

OP's DW obviously see's it differently. She wanted to feel committed to someone before she had sex with them.

Neither opinion is wrong - as you seem to be saying her opinion is - but her husband, whom she trusted and had wholeheartedly committed herself to, has just completely dismissed her feelings and opinion.

He's got a lot of making up to do.

It’s not “weird” or “dysfunctional” to decide you don’t want random men inside you. Waiting for someone you feel deeply connected to is fine and normal.

She didn’t wait until they were married, she waited the grand total of three whole months - you can count it in weeks, it’s that short.

@gotew82674 I think you’re getting an unnecessarily hard time here. Yes it was a careless reply and clearly it meant a lot to her. But also, it is a bit strange she didn’t disclose this earlier.

However, she is hurt. Whether you meant it or not that’s where you are.

Agree with a previous post that your best way forward is essentially grovelling and vulnerability.

Buy her a huge bouquet of flowers. Tell her you were a numpty for saying what you did and that you were trying (unsuccessfully) to be self effacing to lighten the moment but realise you went about it the wrong way.

The tell her you appreciate she felt safe enough to tell you now and that you always want her to feel that way. Then ask her if there is anything you can do to make it up, make her feel heard and appreciated. Then shut up, listen to what she says and follow through.

Good luck!

I insulted myself so I don't really understand why she is offended
This phrase says a lot, OP.
For one thing, she's not offended, she's hurt.
Secondly, why would you insulting yourself make her less hurt (or offended) about the fact that she just shared her precious secret, only to be told that she 'wasted her youth'?
You seem to be thinking a lot about your feelings and hardly at all about your wife's. If you're not very good in bed, that could be why.

I don’t see it like this at all - she didn’t do it as a “gift” for you - it was a choice she made for herself. It was a compliment to you that you were the one she could see herself marrying but her choice is about how and when she was willing to make herself vulnerable. I just feel sad that she didn’t feel confident to tell you she was a virgin but given your reaction now I can see why she didn’t.

This may help you
This is not true for everyone, but for some people

MALE
Want sex, then sex with emotional connection

FEMALE
Want emotional connections first, then sex

So your wife waited for you

Brilliant response. This is the way to go!

It’s parapet not pulpit 😅

Why is it helpful for her to hear they though? She can't change her past and go back in time and have sex with lots of people. I was a virgin until I was in my 40s, through a combination of circumstance/lack of opportunity/lack of interest from men/my own shyness, and I'd have been really upset if someone, especially my current partner, had told me they thought I'd wasted my youth. That might be the case in some people's opinions, I might sometimes feel that myself, but I can do nothing to change it, so being told it would just make me feel sad and a bit shit about myself.

You were absolutely horrible OP.

It’s her body, and her beliefs/feelings about who she chooses to share her body with are more important than yours. It doesn’t matter that you personally don’t like virginity, because it was her body ad she can do what feels best. (Other posters saying her “attitude” is unhealthy are appalling).

She’s basically told you that she cares about you so much that she decided you were the one. And you not only totally dismissed and rejected her, showing you don’t give a shit about her or her feelings, but you insulted her by saying she’s wasted her youth - so you’re saying she’s old and past her best, and it wasn’t worth keeping her dusty old virginity anyway.

You must be incredibly self-focused to think what you’ve said is an insult to yourself, and not an insult to her. Your first thought was your own ego, not her trying to communicate that she loves you and has done this special thing for you. Again, it’s HER body, so your beliefs about the non-importance of her virginity are not a priority. It was her choice. (And she chose you, and you should be grateful).

Finally, your egotistical dismissal of the choice to remain a virgin is equally creepy and misogynist as men who only want virgins. It’s two sides of the same coin. You are not respecting or empathising with her personal choice and bodily autonomy. She didn’t take away anything from you by not telling you, and the fact you think she did shows you do actually think virginity is important - just in the other direction.

Don’t under estimate how bad what you’ve said is. The only way forward is to unpack your beliefs and learn to empathise with your poor wife. You’ll have to explain that it stemmed from self-absorbed insecurity about your sexual performance, and you worded it really badly. You really appreciate that she chose you, and you’re worried you were not adequate to make up all the years waiting for you.

In the same vein her 'saving herself' for her forever person is naive and old fashioned - no it is not. It is one of several entirely valid choices which should be respected.

There are some bloody weird responses on this thread and they're more weird that they're apparently from women.

I thought we were long past the era when women's sexual choices were up for criticism by others but it's apparently OK to diss women who make the choice not to sleep around or to wait till they feel it's right for their first time as they're not "normal".

Judgemental gits

I agree with you! But the impression I get (obviously only from how OP has framed it) is that she's treated her virginity as some sort of coveted prize that she's 'given' to the person she's chosen. That's very different to just being selective about who you sleep with, and treating sex as connection. They're completely different tiers.

What concerns me is how her mental health might be affected if she's placed so much weight on 'giving' her virginity to OP and then years down the line the relationship doesn't work out.

Exactly. How is open your legs and get in with it an acceptable thought, let alone something you'd advocate on a public forum

TBH I think that it's odd your wife didn't tell you at the time, I can understand why you were surprised after 2 years you find out this important fact. All you can do is apologise and move on. Her reaction may in part be because she agrees with you, deep down.

she told me something that really surprised me: when we first slept together, it was actually her first time ever.

Is this her first and only lie?