How to navigate life with a DH who doesn’t want to participate in family life?

[Jammie12]

DH has an avoidant personality and I’ve only just realised this after being with him for years. We have two DC’s under 4 years old and it’s become very apparent since our recent baby he’s slowly checking out of family life. When life gets tough or we argue he wants to disappear and says he’s “done” without discussion then reappears like nothing happened. We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent. This is all started after the DC’s came along. With our eldest DC, he was involved in family life but since our second, he’s become distant. I feel like a single parent and a maid for him. I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone. He will be desperate to go back to work Monday, only talks about work and money. His life is work and sleep. I implemented some changes in the hopes I can feel better, I tell myself that this chapter in my life is just about raising the DC’s and loving myself . I started the gym, leaving baby with my mum for an hour during the day and I do feel better. Every time I go to speak to DH about the lack of involvement in our family life I bite my tongue and tell myself this is how it is. I’m deeply unhappy but I get moments of happiness. I don’t really know what I’m asking for.

I feel like a single parent and a maid for him.

I'm sorry OP, that's because you are.

He's one of the many men who wants a wife and children, but doesn't want to be a husband or father

if He doesn’t want to change or see the value in changing then I struggle to see what value he adds to your life or your children’s life. The moments of fleeting happiness you mention will likely increase without his avoidant presence and lack of involvement weighing you down.

Nagging someone into participating is fucking miserable for all concerned.

Acceptance doesn’t bring happiness, carving out a life for yourself does and it sounds like you have started that.

I guess you need to decide whether to stay with it knowing this is your reality or cut your losses now and try and find some happiness without him.

I’d let him ‘be done’ once and for all. Life is too short for this. And better to split when your kids are little.

@Jammie12 The reason why you feel like a single parent and a maid is the simple fact that you are. He chose to make it an actual reality. I have a suggestion - You already live like a single parent, plus a maid. The two together are very hard to manage, why not remove one? You could be a single parent without being a maid at the same time to a grown man. I can't see what you get out of such a relationship, do yourself a favour, and look after your own happiness and mental state, and physical workload a bit. If "disappearing" is his priority, help him realise his dream, and he can be on his own.

On an even more serious note too - I don't think it helps your children to grow up with a man who would rather be anywhere else than with them and their mother. Plus, normalising treating you this way - it's not something you want them to absorb, either. I think it is better for all of you to call it a day.

I know we like to label everything today, but regardless of what we call his personality, he shouldn't have gotten himself a wife and kids, everything around it is just plain selfish. I don't know why you put up with this for so long, but I'd urge you to take care of yourself and don't waste more time on this dead, fake relationship, because this, what you are living in right now is not a real one.

I would start divorce proceedings. This is no life for your children or you for that matter. Your current h is pissed off that his Big Man Number 1 status had been usurped by his children. Stop biting your tongue and otherwise swallowing down your feelings.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what are they learning here?.

Oh it sounds like this entirely. All the benefits and none of the work. Unfortunately you don’t get the choice of picking out the bits that are difficult and just turning up for the easy bits. Sorry op, you may as well be a single mum. Although I’m sure he’ll try and do even less then and just disappear. Did he want to have kids, do you think or did he just not think through what was involved?

My DH goes through phases of this. You are doing the right thing to find some joy in other places but he absolutely should be finding the joy with you. I would say leave, but I haven’t been able to do that. You are not alone ❤️

Weigh up the pros and cons of divorce op. Honestly, from the information you’ve supplied so far, the pros list will be full and the cons not at all. (Note - not wanting to ‘break the family’ isn’t a ‘con’, because your family in that sense already doesn’t exist).

Yes what exactly does he bring to this relationship? If he is uninterested in being together as a family then no amount of asking will ever change that.

I know what I would be doing and it’s not continuing down this dead end path.

You feel like his maid because you are. You are already a single parent. You could have so much more out of life than this. Do you really want to hit your head against this wall for the rest of your life?

Well small children are small for about what - 6 years, then they can chat, participate in you interests etc etc Then when they are young adults they can be great to spend time with etc

I would get him to go for some counselling he needs to see this is a brief part of his probably 85 years on the planet. Plus unless he engages he won't see the pleasures of small children but he needs someone other than you to tell him.

Sadly I doubt that ops h is at all amenable to being counselled. His life is work, money and sleep.

What you describe is uncannily similar to a couple I knew. He went along with marriage and children, who knows why as he was remarkably ill-suited to them -- I think he thought that's just 'what you did'. He certainly, by the time I knew him best, thought of women as the people who made men do things 'for their own good', but had completely checked out of parenting and family life.

His excuse was work, that he needed to leave the house before 7 am to beat the traffic and often not get home till 8 pm, thereby handily missing getting children up and dressed, breakfast, school runs, childminder pickups, cooking and eating dinner and homework supervision. He often claimed he had to go in at weekends, too, to keep up with work.

The snag? He had exactly the same job as I did, at the same level of seniority, and I did it in three ordinary-length days in the office, plus two WFH, and I never worked out of the house at weekends.

Also, once his wife had divorced him, suddenly work was less of a draw. He started only working three days a week in the office, and much shorter days. Because now he could stay at home and not be bothered with parenting.

I'm no longer in touch with his ex-wife (who had all the parenting and household work fall on her while also holding down a demanding professional role), but it seemed clear her life dramatically improved once their marriage was over. Even though his half of the 50/50 was more like 30%, he was still compelled to do far more parenting than he ever had, and she had a chance to catch her breath.

There are millions of women that live this life.
Yes she might find a better option but she might not either. It’s about weighing it all up. Are the children safe. If so, it definitely could be worse

He still made a decision to go along with that and be compelled to do so. Lots of them just move to the other side of the country and go from doing 30% parenting to nothing definitely worth bearing that in mind before making any decisions

I would 'check out' of life with him.
I'd stop doing anything for him. No cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping or any other admin. I wouldn't argue about it, I'd just go happily about my own life with the kids, go to the gym, find my own happiness.

Let him get a taste of his own medicine and see how that pans out.

I'm not a big fan of ultimatums, but I think in this situation it can be helpful to find your red line, articulate it and mean it. My sister's marriage was like this and she eventually decided to tell her DH that he needed to figure out a way to be involved or she was out. It was painful time and they did do some relationship counselling and he started therapy on his own. But when he faced up to the reality of being close to losing his family, he sorted his shit out and is a great husband and father now. It turned out he had some real family issues from childhood that he needed to deal with.

Hope you find your way, @Jammie12. Feeling alone inside a marriage is miserable.

A less obvious point, but one way that you should probably be navigating this is by making sure that you’re prioritising your career. I know that’s easier said than done as, essentially, a single mum to two small children, but it’s essential in order to have options over the next few years. Whether those options are separating, or sticking with it but paying for more help, you’re going to need financial independence.

That’s why I’ve stayed. My children are a bit older, so I make plans with friends, arrange play dates, meet other mums. My joy comes from elsewhere. I can live with it (for now at least)

Financially does it suit you to stay until the DC are older or call it quits now?

Don't navigate it. Leave, or ask him to. Lazy man children don't change. Split up before your children learn that this model of marriage is what yo expect as adults

They are safe physically but one day they will
leave home and sooner rather than later. What for the op and people like fairygodmum if they are still with their man?.

What are they modelling to their children?. They are unlikely to want to return to their childhood home much if at all given their dad’s checked out of their lives. They could blame their mother for either putting him before them and or putting up with their absent father for their supposed sake.

Reading that I would assume he is Neurodivergent. Has he got a diagnosis?

"Nagging". Jesus wept.

Do you ever leave him to look after the children and go out? What does your Dad do for the children? (I only ask because your mum is facilitating your gym time but you don’t mention your Dad). Do you have brothers or Uncles or male friends?