How to navigate life with a DH who doesn’t want to participate in family life?

[Jammie12]

DH has an avoidant personality and I’ve only just realised this after being with him for years. We have two DC’s under 4 years old and it’s become very apparent since our recent baby he’s slowly checking out of family life. When life gets tough or we argue he wants to disappear and says he’s “done” without discussion then reappears like nothing happened. We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent. This is all started after the DC’s came along. With our eldest DC, he was involved in family life but since our second, he’s become distant. I feel like a single parent and a maid for him. I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone. He will be desperate to go back to work Monday, only talks about work and money. His life is work and sleep. I implemented some changes in the hopes I can feel better, I tell myself that this chapter in my life is just about raising the DC’s and loving myself . I started the gym, leaving baby with my mum for an hour during the day and I do feel better. Every time I go to speak to DH about the lack of involvement in our family life I bite my tongue and tell myself this is how it is. I’m deeply unhappy but I get moments of happiness. I don’t really know what I’m asking for.

I have an avoidant personality and I am also ND.

I have never once ‘checked out’ on family life.
I am a single parent - I cook, I clean, I play, I do all of the school events, I do all of the birthdays, outings and bedtimes etc.

I do struggle with relationships and expressing my feelings towards my DC or bfs but I do everything I can and work on myself so that I am able to say and do things that are difficult for me.

This has nothing to do with his avoidant personality or potential ND - he’s literally just having his cake and eating it too.

Why would he go through the stress of having to do stuff with the kids or not doing as he pleases when he knows you’ll just do it all for him.

He’s living a single life but having the benefits of a relationship.
Whilst you’re living a single life but not having 1 benefit from it.

If he wants to act single then he needs to be single.
Stop putting up with this pathetic excuse for a man.

This sounds awfully familiar. I am now divorced, in a new home with my incredible children, and I’m finally happy.

I had so many years of loneliness, expecting/hoping he would somehow see the light and change his behaviour. He never did.

I was terrified of ruining the children’s lives, but they have adapted so well, and now actually spend some time with their Dad (although it’s very Disney Dad type behaviour). I feel I have facilitated their relationship with him by ending our relationship, and I’m actually proud of myself for taking that huge step.

It’s been hard, I’m not going to pretend otherwise, but it’s getting easier as every week goes by.

Please put your happiness at an equal level as that of your children. You deserve it just as much as they do. Good luck xx

Well no, not really, we were young, he was fun loving, we enjoyed doing things together and had our own interests, we both worked shifts, he was quite capable of looking after himself. The decision to have children was joint, he just didn’t grow or develop.

I’m so pleased you got out of it.

I think this is the issue is that many women had fathers like it and so it’s seen as normal.

What is a shame is that the cycle continues and OPs kids will see it as normal and probably marry a similar man/become that man.

That is extremely sad @Whizzgosh . sorry it went that way for you.

This is the only way to mange it imo.
You need to conserve your energy for you and the kids.

also subcontract out jobs he can manage and will do. Then ignore them and let him get on with it and if its a fuck up its his fuck up and he can unfuck it.
Eg. Insurance, unloading dishwasher or whatever.

Also Organise days out and holidays for you and the children only.

Stop being a maid for him 😞

You can resign as maid for a start.

Is this how you want your children to think life should be. You’re shaping the next generations experiences here…. Is this what you want for them let alone yourself?

I would sit him down and tell him he has two, maybe three, options:

1. he steps up and pulls his weight as a team or
2. you separate and he has to be a FT lone parent 50% of the time and accept the impact of this on his life.
3. Oooor, you separate, he rarely sees them but pays full whack in terms of child maintenance and awarding you a larger share of the house proceeds (or the whole house itself) as you will be their FT carer.

Ie you make it clear that however ‘avoidant’ he wants to be, he doesn’t actually get to duck out of the financial and parental responsibility of his children.

does avoidant mean cunt?

I wouldn't be trying to navigate life with a partner who has checked out of my marriage and of being a parent. If he wants to check out, he needs to check out properly and let me find a real relationship with someone else or just use my energy on my children and other people in my life who make an effort

I think this is a good idea. I can be somewhat avoidant too. I can imagine myself doing some of the things the OP's DH does. Not to the same extent, but I definitely dodge difficult issues and hope they resolve themselves. Sometimes the problems do go away (or appear to), which rewards my avoidant behaviour, so I carry on with it.

The only thing which works on me is for someone I love to tell me very bluntly how my behaviour is hurting them, and get me to commit to doing something specific to improve matters. It has to be specific so they can hold me to account. If it were vague ("I will do more around the house") then it is too easy for me to procrastinate and make excuses.

If I saw that my DH was seriously considering leaving me over my behaviour, I would manage to face things I'd otherwise keep hiding from. I might find it scary and difficult, but I love him and would do what it takes to fix things.

I'm not sure you can navigate this, I don't think there's some way you can fix his fundamental bad attitude to being a father.
Would the children actually miss him if you left? If he doesn't spend any time with them, possibly not.
I would suggest to him he either steps up or you divorce , you are the resident parent and you claim full child maintenence. Putting divorce on the table might shock him into action or if not you know where to go from here.

That was my ex.

In the end I found a job that enabled me to be independent of him. Then I found a flat near my job, and lived there with 2yo ds during the week, and only went home at weekends.
But ex played tennis and saw the boys on Saturdays ,and in the end I couldn't see the point in continuing.
So I bought a house by myself near my work and moved out permanently. My life is far easier, less expensive, healthier and happier.

You need to look calmly at what the relationship is costing you emotionally, and the harm it is causing.

LTB. Seriously - what value is he adding?

My situation is very consistent with the ones being shared on this thread, although my DH has also been very mean and abusive at times. He felt as he is a high earner that’s all he had to do to contribute to family life, wouldn’t so much as put his own dishes into the dishwasher.

I’ve initiated divorce and now he wants to be a hands on father to our 2 year old (I think this is more to do with keeping up an appearance as a hands on father to friends and family and about trying to reduce my financial entitlement).

I’m hoping I get the sense of relief other posters are describing once the divorce is finalised but for now my life is feeling very difficult day to day.

I’m just so glad we didn’t have another child - weirdly he was actively pushing for this.

My ex was similar, but for different reasons, he was a selfish ####. He worked Monday to Friday and I spent lots of Saturdays hanging around whilst he slept in waiting to do family things. He would participate when he could be bothered. It doesn't sound like he's adding much to family life. I used to feel sad going to the park etc alone. I got bored of the excuses and arguments too. You and your children deserve someone who wants to engage and do things with you all. Does he really think your idea of a good time is going to the park alone, being a parent you do all sorts of things for your children that are not what you'd choose to do. He's not being fair to you.

Was it a joint decision to have children?

Split up. Let him pay to never see the kids. They will be hurt either way but a parent in the house whose doesn’t are is worse than one who they dont have to have it in front of their faces everyday

I think you want some empathy because your husband has emotionally abandoned you and your children.

We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent

This is a rotten trick that a lot of men seem to pull on women, because they know that once those women have children with them, they're locked in and it's not to easy to leave, too late to choose a different man unless you divorce.

What they don't tell their women is that they want a traditional, middle-class 1950s set-up. They want a wifey at home to do all the domestic stuff, all the boring life admin, the majority of raising children whilst they fuck off regularly as if they're single, and their main role is to contribute money and sperm to have the children.

I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone

Very sad, and your children will remember this. I hope he's not surprised if they grow up to have little involvement with him when they're older. He's also setting a bad example for them.

The other possibility OP is that he secretly wants to divorce but feels obliged to stay, and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, as the father who left....even though he's emotionally left already.

😂I think it does in middle class circles in particular. Also, separate topic, but I've seen sooo many women say their partner is an 'avoidant' or similar, when actually, he's just not into them, and they don't want to accept that so they pathologise the behaviour.

@Jammie12 forgive me for asking but you mention he has checked out from being a Father, has he checked out from being a husband too? Is he still loving, attentive except where the kids are involved, do you ever go out as a couple? Does he EVER treat you in a way that makes you feel special, be it a hug, unexpected bunch of daffs or a flattering comment or has that gone too?

I asked because being blunt, to me there are two options, he has emotionally checked out from the relationship with you and the kids OR he has some mental health issues.

If he has checked out you deserve to know and to think about the way forward. Get a babysitter one weekend night and have a sit down chat with him, not confrontational, just honest. You both need to ask is it rescuable, do you want to continue and on what basis? Sometimes partners don't realise how significantly their change in attitude is affecting their family and need a wake up call. It may not be the outcome you want but at least you have the truth.

Mental Health - he could be depressed and needs treatment or he could have a long standing mental health issue that he managed to mask pre children (I am thinking autism etc or demand avoidance). That doesn't absolve him of his family responsibilities and the burden this places on you but it means he can't cope, not that he doesn't want to.

My brother was diagnosed at 55 and since then a lot of the issues in his life have become clear and had we known as it happened, we would have handled them in a vastly different way. He couldn't cope with changes in routine, noise or what he felt was unwarranted emotion - all challenges that come hand in hand with being a parent. So I am not saying your husband is autistic, just giving an example of what it may be and when it comes to mental health, if both parties what to get help, then there is some hope. People with these types of condition, don't want to come across like this but they are built emotionally differently and so the answer comes in a different form, one that does not come naturally to them. It doesn't mean they don't want that loving connection.

I think you need to examine for yourself, what has gone on in the lead up to the change in his behaviour and have a discussion with him to try and get to the bottom of the issue. Don't assume and be willing to listen without interruption. Does he want to be there and be a better version of himself or has he irretrievably checked out.

Once you know what you are looking at, you can decide your priorities and the way forward.

Divorce is the obvious solution. You’ll feel much better once you stop having to mother a grown man.

I think you need to start thinking about what you want.

This isn't just 'how it is'. You can't change him, but you also don't have to stay with him. You don't have to organise your life around a grumpy man who doesn't prioritise anyone else.