How to navigate life with a DH who doesn’t want to participate in family life?

[Jammie12]

DH has an avoidant personality and I’ve only just realised this after being with him for years. We have two DC’s under 4 years old and it’s become very apparent since our recent baby he’s slowly checking out of family life. When life gets tough or we argue he wants to disappear and says he’s “done” without discussion then reappears like nothing happened. We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent. This is all started after the DC’s came along. With our eldest DC, he was involved in family life but since our second, he’s become distant. I feel like a single parent and a maid for him. I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone. He will be desperate to go back to work Monday, only talks about work and money. His life is work and sleep. I implemented some changes in the hopes I can feel better, I tell myself that this chapter in my life is just about raising the DC’s and loving myself . I started the gym, leaving baby with my mum for an hour during the day and I do feel better. Every time I go to speak to DH about the lack of involvement in our family life I bite my tongue and tell myself this is how it is. I’m deeply unhappy but I get moments of happiness. I don’t really know what I’m asking for.

OP, would you be better off divorced?
At least you wouldn't do anything for the (adult) husband.
That said, I fully understand how he feels. I would be doing the same. I'm 46, child free and was never interested in having a family. My husband, who is significantly older, has three adult children from previous marriage. When we talk, he openly says it would have been great if he could sell them in the past and that men don't really want children.
Yes, the first part is light hearted.
None of them are in contact with him, two distanced themselves from both their parents and siblings and the remaining one, in his fifties, sees his father once a year. My husband is fine with it. 😐
I must admit I didn't realise how many men "distance" themselves to such an extent.

I'm really sorry OP, I really despair at how often I read variations of this on here. I hope you soon reach a point where you think about your own worth and put yourself before that kind of absolute trial of a life. You and your children deserve better.

He is far more likely to be a product of his own upbringing than having any form of neuro divergence.

He can pay for a nanny, maid etc then since all he wants to do is work and fuck all else.
Don't accept no. Go on strike washing and cooking for him if that's what it takes

On the other hand if he is a provider and doesn't mind paying out for things and is kind with the kids, albeit just not involved then I don't think it's too bad really. Just make sure all your finances, wills and pension is provided for and you'd be OK in any event of him leaving you for someone else which is always a possibility sadly

Are his family OK? Or is his dad and mom the same, emotionally distant and/or sexist stereotypes? I'd be seeing if pil will have the children

My ex was like this - even down to being way more involved with DC1 than DC2.

You can't force them to participate, to be a father (even when they wanted the kids) - and you get fed up of waiting for them, or of the drag they produce when they're their (I remember going to see the Christmas lights, and honestly by the end I wish he had stayed home because he was grumpy and on his phone the whole time, and spoiled it for me and the kids by rushing - and we weren't even being slow)

I was drowning, so I just stopped doing his stuff - his washing, I only thought of me and the kids when cooking/meal-planning - I just assumed that he wasn't going to want to be involved in whatever we were doing (accurate) - which made him cross too - like we were all supposed to be his little supporting cast when he wanted us to be, and sit quiet in the cupboard when he didn't

I've been single 5 years now, me and the kids have our routines so life is as smooth as it can be, he sees them a couple of times a month and they don't miss him at all (an advantage of barely bothering with them for years is that they barely bother with him now)

Not ND

Did you read the bit where he was ok with first but has checked out of 2nd
Being ND doesn’t just come on after a 2nd baby or an event or incident.

'That said, I fully understand how he feels. I would be doing the same. I'm 46, child free and was never interested in having a family.'

I'm 46 and childfree too. The difference is that you and I had our eyes open, and knew that the reality of parenting was not for us, and made our choices accordingly. This man has gone along with having children, but seems to think it's ok to leave all of the actual work and organisation and responsibility to their mother. This is just unacceptable

OP, I'm not pretending that it's an easy thing to separate, but please be honest about what he is actually bringing to your relationship and to the family. How much easier would your life be if you just didn't have to deal with him day to day? It sounds like you're the only adult in the home as it is

Your husband was happy to have a wife, but still enjoy being able to do what he wanted/when. Children have come along, and now he's expected to participate in family life. He's not interested in parenting his children, spending time with them or his wife, because it means he can't do what he wants/when. You are married to a selfish and immature man-child.

You feel like a single parent and a maid, because essentially, that's exactly what you are. Your husband sees you as the person to provide him a home, be the default parent, be a maid and provide sex when required.

I've been here, although the children were his (lived with him full-time) and we weren't married. It's a bitter pill to swallow but the sad fact is, if your husband truly loved you, he wouldn't be treating you and your children this way. My ex didn't love me, I was there to provide a service - cook, cleaner, nanny and sex. Your husband is treating you no differently, the only difference is the children are joint and you're married.

If you continue with your marriage, you will still be in the same boat in 5 years or 10 years time. The resentment will be worse, your self-esteem will be on the floor and you will grow not to just resent him but dislike him too. He's not going to change.

Thankfully, I saw the light after 4 years and left my ex. The best decision I ever made.

To some of you, fellow posters who say "at least the kids are safe" , or have stayed with their emotionally and physically unavailable spouses - Are we sure about this safety? Do you think that is all there is to being safe? Do you honestly think it is healthy to grow up around a father who would rather be anywhere else than with you (and your mom)? Do you not think it would shape your mental state, emotional setup negatively? Is it good to raise children while normalising such a parental/spousal behaviour for them, giving a chance for them to become something similar in their adult life? Yes, being physically safe is the base line, yes. But these setups have very serious negative implications, too. If my spouse turned out to be like that, it would be my duty to remove my children from such a setup as soon as possible.

Sorry but why would you want to stay with a man who treats you with such contempt?
Who thinks it's acceptable to do as they wish whilst never giving you a break or sharing the load?

You feel like a single parent because you are one. Get your ducks in a row and get a good divorce lawyer.
You only have 1 life don't waste it on years of breeding resentment and a useless tosspot!

Don't know why you'd dress this up as him having 'an avoidant personality'. Call him what he is - a shit parent, lazy, selfish, leaving it all to you, same old story.

First step to navigating it is to stop treating it like it's some complex psychological trait that he can't possibly help, especially as it's mysteriously only come to light with the responsibilities of family life. He's choosing to be like this because it's working and gets him out of doing what a better parent would do. He has to want to change and if he doesn't, then you might as well do it alone.

They are safe physically but what about emotionally?. One day the kids will leave home and sooner rather than later.

What for the op and people like fairygodmum if they are still with their man?. What are they modelling to their children?. They are unlikely to want to return to their childhood home much if at all given their dad’s checked out of their lives. They could blame their mother for either putting him before them and or putting up with their absent father for their supposed sake.

DH has an avoidant personality aka a sexist twat who thinks childrearing is your job not his.

Isn't it lucky you don't have an 'avoidant' personality too!

I'd be reading him the riot act, he wanted to be a father, he doesn't get to check out.

I agree with this. My ex treated me the same, as the OP's husband, the only difference being the children were his and lived with him full-time and we weren't married. My ex's children's Mum was also selfish and disinterested in the children, just as much as my ex. I left after 4 years (the children weren't mine) and they had no option but to stay with their Dad. They grew up with a Dad who couldn't be bothered and was disinterested in them. It led to them getting involved with the wrong crowd, drugs, teenage pregnancy, poor self-esteem and poor MH. My ex and his ex-wife are both two very selfish people, who should never have had children. The OP's children are luckily in that the OP is very much present and engaged in their life but I can definitely say that having a Dad who isn't interested in them on any level, will emotionally harm them.

Sounds like he wants the title of father and husband without any of the responsibility. My ex was the same OP, the resentment grew and he had an affair as a result and broke our family.

Except mine when they got to age 6 and dad is this person who is just there occasionally.

They had their routines and they didnt involve their father. Remember exh going away and it took them nearly 2 weeks to realise he wasn’t in the house. Even then it was just a question about not remembering the last time they saw him.
They really didn’t miss their dad even though he lived under the same roof.

Agree. I dont think he wants the kids tbh.

I say this as someone who gave my own marriage at least 10 years more than it deserved, this won’t get any better. Get legal advice, start divorce proceedings and make a happier life for yourself and your children. Being a single parent when you’re actually single is easier than as you describe being a single parent and a maid.
It seems hard, and it will be, but you’ll never look back.

How awful and damaging for your two children to have that as a father. Remove your children for this situation to minimise the damage he is doing to them.

Same as this

20 or so years ago I was married to a similar man. He wanted to continue to do acting, socialise and live his London life, while I worked full time and was the only parent to our child (who was 2). I grew increasingly resentful and bored of life and eventually also stopped fancying him. I was 32, the child was 2, and I thought, 'This would be easier on our own without him,' and so I initiated a split. No big drama, no rows really, just quite sad, but we remained friends and still are (ish). And yes, life was easier. I didn't have to cook an evening meal if I just fancied toast, I suddenly had my child's nursery fees paid for in tax credits, and life became much free-er, especially since I also then had every other weekend to myself and could do things for me!

About a year later I met my now husband, who really has done family life with me and our 3 children to the full.

You're young enough to get out of this marriage and start again. Do give it some thought.

What never fails to confuse me is these guys finding someone to actually marry them. Aren't these "lovely" personality traits clear before you get married? How is that possible? If the answer is yes, and they have been like this to begin with, why have a serious relationship / marriage / kids with them in the first place? If the answer is no, of course, that is super unfortunate..

I hate how easy it is for men to check out of parenting. I'm sure there are many women who have avoidant personalities - but they don't just check out because of it. It's so assumed that the woman always picks up the slack.

I stuck out a situation like yours for 18 years. I should have had the guts to knock the marriage on the head after DC1 but it's what my father was like so while I was a bit shocked and disappointed I put up with it.

In my experience there is no fix for this. He never became an engaged hands on father although he did provide very generously for us all (albeit on his own terms).

What's your financial situation? Are you working at the moment? Savings? Pension?

His 'avoidant personality', which I think is bullshit by the way, allows him to be financially independent. You taking on the role of sole parent and maid will likely mean your earning potential is less. This isn't a marriage, it's the perfect storm.

You're in a shit situation now and it will only get worse. Whether you split now, or later, or stick it out, make sure you have the means to support yourself financially.