How to navigate life with a DH who doesn’t want to participate in family life?

[Jammie12]

DH has an avoidant personality and I’ve only just realised this after being with him for years. We have two DC’s under 4 years old and it’s become very apparent since our recent baby he’s slowly checking out of family life. When life gets tough or we argue he wants to disappear and says he’s “done” without discussion then reappears like nothing happened. We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent. This is all started after the DC’s came along. With our eldest DC, he was involved in family life but since our second, he’s become distant. I feel like a single parent and a maid for him. I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone. He will be desperate to go back to work Monday, only talks about work and money. His life is work and sleep. I implemented some changes in the hopes I can feel better, I tell myself that this chapter in my life is just about raising the DC’s and loving myself . I started the gym, leaving baby with my mum for an hour during the day and I do feel better. Every time I go to speak to DH about the lack of involvement in our family life I bite my tongue and tell myself this is how it is. I’m deeply unhappy but I get moments of happiness. I don’t really know what I’m asking for.

I’ve lived this and we stayed together cos I wanted the kids to have their father around. It was a mistake. By separating you have a better chance of meeting someone who cares about you and the kids and will find life easier without an adult man child. Start planning your exit. Don’t waste your life, don’t let him damage your children by making them feel unloved.

By taking the children out each weekend on your own is not helping the situation. When you go out are you spending money you don’t have.? Have both of you looked at your finances to see what is affordable?
Gyms can be expensive and whilst it’s vital that you make time for yourself is this something your household can afford right now?
Why are you taking both children out on your own? Tiredness is not An excuse for your husband to opt out of parenting his own children. Start leaving one of the children with him when you go out and build the time up.
Maybe ask your mum to babysit so you can both go out .
Divorce seems drastic from what you’ve described.

In your shoes OP I would be at ultimatum time. Either he steps up and becomes a parent or he leaves.

The whole I'm working for the family so tired and need to be alone is just a twist. What does he think other parents do?!
You can have agreed elements so he can get some rest but it's some rest not the whole weekend and you not being default. He needs to take his children out alone and start building up relationships and giving you downtime. This can start with an hour to the park.
Stop doing everything for him he's responsible for chores too.

Well - is he telling the truth? Is he working far more hours than he used to and thus bringing in far more money?
how does he imagine single parents working full time mon- Fri manage a weekend?

I hate men like this. They're cowards.

He basically had no real interest in being a father or husband but wanted to tick the boxes. The world is full of them. And then the men who actually have the courage of their convictions and opt out get seen as Peter pans or weird.

Well done. Don't leave it more than a week before the next conversation and make it clear during that one that this is a potential marriage ending issue.

What do you do for a living and could you earn more?

My friend had this for 10 years. "I'm doing all this work for you and the kids. I want us in a better financial position. I just need to do X and then things will be better. I work so hard and it affects me so much"

It never got better. It was a stalling tactic.

Infact what made it worse was that he was using the excuse of working for the family, so you feel you can't argue with that. Plus when someone uses health against you, you look like a dick for arguing against that.

He was not a bad person deep down, but he was so in his own world, there is no way you could get him to understand your point of view.

She's now separated and infinitely happier. She was just scared of doing it alone. But she didnt realise she had been doing it for years on her own, but doesn't have the extra child that was her partner. Now she has time to herself because he is forced to spend time with them (because he doesn't want to pay maintenance he has them 50%).

This isn't it for you. It will be difficult at first but you will absolutely not look back when you break free.

Oh, and my friends ex used the whole "I've spoken to others and they agree". It makes you feel like you are unreasonable, and that kept her quiet for a long time.

What did he do, conduct a survey?!

Of course he will only listen to those who understand his point of view. Parenting is hard, but it doesn’t have to be lonely like this.

When you have a talk, tell him that he has to commit some time to family otherwise he may as well leave.
Treat his time like a work timetable. Get him to commit 1 day a month for a day out and however many hours you can agree on for weekends and perhaps 20 mins a day after work 3x a week to read them a story or help with bedtime. Hopefully this can start more bonding with the kids and show him that right now, it’s manageable.
Reassess in a few months.
He needs to do some chores as well.
If he can’t agree to anything then you know what you need to do.

This is an excellent thread op with very
personal insightful advice. I’m divorced 19 yrs from a high earning always at work but when not at work not with us selfish man.

When I made a life for the 2 dc and I he became very very abusive to me. He didn’t want to do anything with dc but it seems he didn’t want me to do anything either. He was jealous of my ability to ENJOY RAISING DC.

Now 19 yrs later I think he despised me…he hated my strength my family support my ability to make friendships in our neighborhood and church and my spine of steel that kept me keeping on.

he married and then divorced a horrible woman with 5 dc of her own! Can you imagine?? Then turning a blind eye to the abusive way she treated the dc. ( that s direct quote from my DS). He works overseas now which is very uncommon in our area and does see the dc and helps financially but thankfully they see him for the person he is.

Many posts have resonated with me. I am very very close with young adult DC. I love them love being with them and see them often talk all the time even tho they live 2 and 8 hrs away.

Every fiber of my being disagrees with you. Make three lives substandard to keep the status quo is such an awful view. And then the next generates perpetuates the misery.

Please just remove him from yourself and the kids. Let everyone have a healthier view of life. And get every other weekend off.

It's what my mother did. Met my father...5 years younger than my mother, told him she couldn't have children (based on nothing) and bingo bango, less than 6 months later she was pregnant with my older brother. This was late 60s, she's Catholic, so of course my father had to marry her.

I was born just over a year later, then my younger brother 2 years after that. My father finally managed to get a vasectomy when he turned 30...2 days after my older brother turned 11.

He never actually wanted to be a father and started working abroad when I was 9. I barely saw him, right up until he finally left my mother for another woman when I'd just turned 21. He'd been unfaithful their whole marriage, but my mother didn't want to have to get a job, so she stayed. The damage our childhood did is immense. Neither of my parents were fit to be parents, my mother only did it because her religion expected it. I honestly believe that neither of them actually like children...and neither myself or my two brothers have gone on to have children of our own.

Do your children a favour and get out now.

Is there any truth in what he says about family finances? Are you also working and how comfortably are you covering your outgoings? If he was a more involved parent for DC1 is he actually feeling the pressure of an extra child, another period of maternity leave etc?
I think it makes a big difference whether he is working because it’s easier than family life or because he is worried about COL and being the breadwinner.

Either it is extremely hard work looking after young children, in which case he needs to recognise that he is not the only one working hard and stop expecting you to do his share of parenting duties as well as your own, or it is a piece of cake looking after young children, in which case he won't mind taking on more of it. He can't have it both ways. Which does he think it is and how is he going to respond?

He's stalling, using work as an excuse. You see these men working overtime, trying to avoid the family they co-created.

Your children will grow up learning to accept far less love and support than is acceptable in their close relationships. Without the solid foundation of two parents putting them first. He isn't worth it. He isn't worthy of them, nor of you.

There’s been a small improvement, he doesn’t talk much but I think our chat planted a seed in his head. He turned down work today and told his work colleagues “I need to spend time with the family” He fully engaged with the DC’s and we had a lovely day. However something just feels off, like in my gut I know it’s not fully where he wants to be. He would rather be at work, free of family responsibilities. I think he enjoys our time but it’s not where he would rather be. I need time to think if it’s a life I can accept, form a life with myself and DC’s or go it alone. Financially he’s generous and we saw the benefits of all the work he’s being doing recently, but I can’t forget how lonely it is being with the DC’s all the time and how exhausting it is. I never imagined my life would end up being like this, I thought we would always be a team. I asked him outright what do you want? He says to be more financial stable so the kids can have more, we can do more. But how is it going to be any helpful if he’s shattered all the time and never around?

You havent (unless I've missed it in which case apologies) answered the queries about whether you work or he brings in all the money to the house, that can be very stressful being the onl income though obviously no excuse for his behaviour

I’m on maternity leave and returning to work part time , DH brings in a hell of a lot more money than me so lots of bills and things are on him. I do all childcare, house , organising. At the moment I’m pretty much raising the kids alone. He’s done silly hours again, started out at 6am yesterday, got home early hours of the next morning at 4am. His filthy work clothes were left on the floor which he never does, I’m guessing he was that tired. Currently still sleeping and going back out again soon, said he’d be back at a decent time this evening. These crazy hours are affecting me and the children, I am taking on more of the childcare and house, being the default parent. He promises this is temporary while works really busy. I think a part of that is true. But I think he’ll mostly chose work, and occasionally chose to spend time with us. He tried to reassure me yesterday that if he was PAYE and not self employed , he’d actually chose to spend time with us on his paid days off. He says he finds it hard to take a day off at the moment as if he doesn’t work, he doesn’t get paid. I get that to a degree , but it just feels we’ve spent no time together since second DC was born. I worry I’ve had a family with a man who doesn’t really want to be fully involved with the family. I think he’s happy for me to raise them and he supports financially, and spend time with us sometimes.

Maybe he can only envisage himself as a provider of material and financial security. He has to realise that he also can be a provider of emotional security, of care, of love, of play, etc. It's a lot of pressure on both you and him to have to provide everything individually on different sides of things, if that makes sense. That means that you can't rely on him to share your load (while although you're on mat leave and earn less, you are still sharing his load too).
Did he come from poverty or financial insecurity? How was his upbringing? He needs to dig deeper as to why he goes to the extreme like this as he is losing precious time with his children and you.

OP, it sounds like you need to have a conversation about your finances. He sounds a bit like my husband, who feels the pressure to "provide financially" (he's also self-employed and I also work PT since having the DC, earning less than half his salary), but in reality, no amount of money will ever be enough for him.
We put together a spreadsheet of all our expenses, what we wanted to put in long and short term savings etc, to figure out how much we actually needed to be bringing in each month. As long as we're earning enough, there's no excuse need for him to be working every evening and weekend. I also committed to an activity every other Saturday and informed him that he would be responsible for the kids' dinner, bath, and bedtime on those evenings. It's not much, but it's a start.

Also, as PP have said, his upbringing is likely influencing his choices too. It's worth having a chat about his relationship with his own dad, and what elements of that he does and doesn't want to emulate.