How to navigate life with a DH who doesn’t want to participate in family life?

[Jammie12]

DH has an avoidant personality and I’ve only just realised this after being with him for years. We have two DC’s under 4 years old and it’s become very apparent since our recent baby he’s slowly checking out of family life. When life gets tough or we argue he wants to disappear and says he’s “done” without discussion then reappears like nothing happened. We mainly argue over the fact he never wanted to change after having DC’s, he wanted to come and go as he pleases, leave me to be the default parent. This is all started after the DC’s came along. With our eldest DC, he was involved in family life but since our second, he’s become distant. I feel like a single parent and a maid for him. I take the DC’s out alone most weekends, he wants to stay at home alone. He will be desperate to go back to work Monday, only talks about work and money. His life is work and sleep. I implemented some changes in the hopes I can feel better, I tell myself that this chapter in my life is just about raising the DC’s and loving myself . I started the gym, leaving baby with my mum for an hour during the day and I do feel better. Every time I go to speak to DH about the lack of involvement in our family life I bite my tongue and tell myself this is how it is. I’m deeply unhappy but I get moments of happiness. I don’t really know what I’m asking for.

You dont navigate life with him. You leave him and live your life without him. Your already a single mum, leaving just means you wont have to play maid to the useless POS

I agree with this.

There's nothing here to suggest that this situation is going to improve, if anything it will get worse over time.

Better to split now.

OFGS

You navigate it by not putting up with his bs. You have every right to feel angry about this.

It's never easy to realise your waste of space partner doesn't love you or your dc. But this is an issue with him, and frankly, how dare he!

Kick him out, you'll still be doing all the childcare but you would be running around after him.

You and your dc deserve far better.

Not at all.

All the time, energy and love previously wasted on this man baby can be invested in the children.

Much better that than set the example that a man can check out of family life, ignore his responsibilities and fail to respond to his wife's requests for support and still get waited on hand foot and finger.

I do think you should have a conversation with him, where it is explained
(a) that you see the dynamic
(b) that your view is that he is short changing the kids and you as his wife.
(c) it has already corroded the marriage to the point where divorce is an option.
(d) he should leave as soon as possible if he cannot or will not be an active father
(e) you are so so disappointed in him
(f) if he is ok with it, then he is ok with other people knowing the truth.

Replace “avoidant” with “selfish selfish selfish”

@Jammie12

You cannot change him and so you have 2 paths in front of you. You can either leave him and start a life on your own or you can stay and start a life in spite of him.

If you leave you'll lose a lot of the emotional burden you're carrying of seeing him living 'free and easy' whilst you do the donkey work. You'll still be doing the donkey work, but there is actually relief when you know it's all you and you aren't thinking "Why am I doing all this? He should be doing XYZ". You're doing it all because he isn't around and when he is, he's not IYSWIM. The 'exchange' for that is that everything is set up the way you want it. Your home, your routines, the DCs lives. All based on your decisions without regards to him. And you won't be doing anything for him: laundry, cooking, shopping, home admin, etc. You might be surprised at how much more time that gives you. Financially? That's something you'll need to figure out after you've seen a solicitor. And if you even contemplate leaving in the slightest, see one first and see one secretly.

If you stay, you'll keep your financial stability, especially if you are a SAHM or earn much less than he does. But you will have to form a life for yourself and DC whilst watching him live his 'parallel' to yours. If he doesn't question or 'restrict' your spending on the DC or the household or demand much of your time and attention it will be easier. But if he does it will be hard going, maybe even impossible. A 'life for yourself' means you and DC go where you want, when you want, and without regards to him or his plans. Want to go see your folks for a weekend? Announce it and go. Want to plan a holiday the DC will love? Do it. Want to buy DC something? Go ahead. He asks you to do something/go somewhere, you politely decline if it doesn't fit in with your plans. Or just because you don't want to. If he doesn't like it, he can change his ways and be part of the family, not apart from it. Do you see where I'm going with this? The trade off is that you may still have resentment that he's not helping out. Only you know if your "I will give DC what I want them to have" will mitigate that enough to make you happy. Or what his reaction will be.

He isn't going to change.

Do you want to raise your children in a house with a father who doesn't like them? What impact do you think that will have on them?

I would taje them out one day at the weekend then I'd just leave them with him the next day. Go to the gym, out with friends for lunch ... anything but being the main caregiver.

Any chance he has postnatal depression?

https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/blogs-and-stories/after-birth/tommys-midwives/postnatal-depression-men?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=161475072&gbraid=0AAAAAD0uo5SbBar1NCzR0i_68QhuaMLiN&gclid=CjwKCAiAnoXNBhAZEiwAnItcG3-7rcTKbqK2nIB7dJL6Wy4J3LirFocUrDPHR9tJ89X4RaTfmKGy3RoCy54QAvD_BwE

I love this life for nearly 2 decades.

He didn’t change.

I am divorced.

I tried everything. He just couldn’t (or wouldn’t) change.

I mean just go out tomorrow and say ‘I’m headed to the shops’ and go out for 3-4 hours. Leave his children with him.

This sounds like my parents’ marriage and as their child I didn’t suffer from their divorce. Yes it wasn’t easy because my mum started an affair with a guy she loved but who wasn’t a good father figure. But I didn’t really miss my dad. He loved us kids but was really avoidant and not happy in family life. He saw my mum as his maid and nanny for the kids. If you’re able to sort out finances and are sensible (I.e. don’t get into a messy relationship and make sure you have good support etc) I think you’d have a much better time in your family (without the waste of space). And your kids won’t miss out because you’ll be happier.

That, or the woman "accidentally" gets pregnant, whether the man wants it or not. Then she tries to force him to be an involved father. It's more common than you think, but a lot of women refuse to believe it.

If a man doesnt want to be a father then he needs to take responsibility for contraception.

It'll be easy for him to make sure she never does that again.

This !

Leave. You'll be so much happier and teach your kids an important lesson.

Or he didn't want children in the first place, but went along with it.

@Jammie12 having had first hand experience of a long term relationship with an avoidant, my advice would be to get out as soon as you can. Thankfully in my case we didn’t have children. However, it’s a toxic situation and is hugely damaging psychologically. He will eventually leave for good, that could be when the children are much older, you are older and you’ll be faced with starting life again in your late 40’s or 50’s and that is so much harder.

For those questioning what an avoidant is, they are the worse type, love bombing at first, promising a dream that eventually they can’t deliver. Their capacity to love is damaged, they see it as a threat due to their emotional needs not being met as a child. They value their independence, are selfish in their actions, have poor communication skills (will shut down) and are masters of gaslighting, amongst many other delights. It’s exhausting and takes a huge toll on the nervous system. More awareness needs to be raised, these types cause an extraordinary amount of damage within relationships

Ffs is this a thing now?
Typically women’s hormones fluctuate and then settle down when the babies around two years old and that’s when the postnatal depression subsides
According to that article men’s seems to go on for about 25 years how convenient?

You feel like a single parent because you effectively are. A maid?? Why the hell are you doing anything for him? He’s doing fuck all for the 3 of you!
stop doing for him. He’s only bringing £ to the table so get the best deal and divorce his arse. Why should your DC grown up in a home where one parent doesn’t give a shit about them?
How awful for them. Get out of this marriage and find happiness for the 3 of you elsewhere.

Thank you for the replies, I read them all and it gave me the guts to have a chat with him. It started with him telling me Friday night he’s working all weekend, there was an awkward silence and I ended up telling him how I feel. He says he knows and he’s been talking to his work colleagues about us. Apparently they’re all in the same situation, he works with men who are all married with kids, they work outdoors and do long hours. He admitted it’s not right and he’s just trying to get us financially stable. He said his back is in pain and he doesn’t have the energy to deal with family life after working so much. He broke down “you don’t understand how hard I’ve been working” He just seemed sad but also hopeful that we’d be in a better financial situation soon, once again talking about money. I told him that I appreciate him working but I cannot carry on being the default parent anymore as I’m exhausted. He said he’s working so much so that we can do more with the kids. He was tired and we didn’t finish our conversation, we haven’t resolved anything. It’s still pretty obvious to me that he won’t change, it’s him. When he’s less tired I’m going to have to have another conversation with him. I don’t know how to feel. I’m still left alone tomorrow to do it all again.

Divorce him
Mayve he will make an effort to have contact days
Maybe he wont
But you wont need to worry about trying to get him involved anymore

Well it’s not HIS decision is it? It is 50% your decision and 50% his decision what happens in your lives, because you are a PARTNERSHIP. He doesn’t seem to understand that. You make decisions for the good of the family together. It sounds like bollocks to me.