Try to save my marriage or leave?

[HotCrossDay]

Hi - i'm 30yo, married, with two children (10 and 5). My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. Our relationship has always been very functional.. we’ve never argued about money, always shared childcare and household responsibilities, supported each other’s careers, and built a stable family life. Its rare that we argue or bicker.

Over many years though, I became increasingly unhappy. The relationship gradually felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). Things would improve briefly, then slip back. I suppressed a lot of resentment and slowly stopped feeling like I was choosing to be there, I stayed largely because I didn’t want to hurt my wife, my children, or our wider family. This is something I've only properly come to realise now.

A couple of months ago, after a work night out, I crossed a line with a colleague. I separated from my wife the next day. There was no secrets, everything has been in the open since then, and my wife has known what’s been happening throughout.

The colleague connection subsequently developed into something not much short of a proper relationship. It was intense and highlighted everything I’d felt was missing for a long time: emotional openness, physical affection, humour, ease, and feeling genuinely chosen. It made me realise how starved I’d been of those things and how alive I could feel in a relationship. At the same time, I was (and am) acutely aware of the impact on my wife and children, which has made this incredibly hard.

My wife has been devastated but has also fought hard for the marriage. She accepts that we fell into damaging patterns over time and believes real change is possible. She feels she is a different person in a good way from this, and that she holds no resentment or anything towards what's happened as in her words this needed to happen to take what I've been saying for a long time seriously. I did ask why it was never taken seriously before and she basically said to be honest I never thought you'd actually leave.

I’ve now ended the other relationship completely because I don’t believe I can make a clean, honest decision about my marriage while another person is in the picture. I should add for context that ending the other relationship is very recent, and I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely. I still feel a strong pull towards what that future could have been, and that makes this period emotionally difficult. I’m very aware that this grief could distort my thinking, which is why I’ve deliberately stepped back completely and am trying to put it out of my mind while I give my marriage a genuine, fair chance without another person influencing the decision.

I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection, I felt significantly more compatible with the other person than I have in my relationship for a long time (probably ever). That’s part of what has made this so painful and confusing. However, my wife is absolutely convinced that fundamental changes have finally happened for her as a result of all this, and it’s been impossible for me to ignore that possibility entirely, especially with children involved, in case it really did take something this severe for us to break old patterns and discover whether we could build something genuinely different while remaining a family.

The current plan is:
– a short period of stabilising and slowing things down
– followed by an 8-week structured trial with counselling and clear boundaries

The aim isn’t to force things to work, but to see whether staying can become a genuine choice rather than obligation on my side. I want to reach a point where, once the emotional intensity fades, I either feel real desire to rebuild with my wife, or I can leave knowing I didn’t make a fear or excitement driven decision.

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it. I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Has anyone tried to save a marriage after years of feeling this way and found it truly worked? Or tried and realised it couldn’t? How did you know? Did you regret trying – or regret not trying?

Any advice would be welcome - thank you!

Oooofffff OP rough one. What stood out to me, is at no point did you say you loved your wife. Do you?

Hopefully your wife will come to her senses and ask for a divorce.

Yes I genuinely do love her, more than anything, but i'e said for a while that I don't feel "in love" :(. I do hope that can come back, but there's a part of me that's worried I wont be able to stop making comparisons now, maybe thats just because its all so fresh.

Honestly everything you have written is a cliche. As soon as I read a couple of lines I knew another woman would pop up. Low and behold.

Honestly, you should let your wife move on. Your relationship will never really recover from this and the fact she thinks she has had to make changes ... Well... It's kinder to just step back and let her go. It's also kinder for your children. The constant back and forth until life gets mundane again and you look for something else isn't fair.

Your both obviously not meant to be together.

You sound like a cliché.

Also, I think it takes two people to drift apart and you're putting it all on your wife's shoulders which I feel is a little unfair.

Also, you had an affair but what do you keep coming back to? My wife was distant. Well perhaps she was distant because she knew you weren't interested in the marriage. Instead of working on your marriage you decided to play away. That's a you issue that you need to sort out without putting the blame on anyone else. You didn't just trip over and stick your wang into another person, you made a choice.

Should you stay married?
No, because you're not being fair to your wife, are not wanting to save the marriage for the right reasons and because I can't see much accountability from you and the devastating hurt you caused your wife. It's just blame. Grow up. The only thing you really want is validation and someone else to tell you to leave because it absolves you of guild. It's a bit cowardly.

If you love her, you've made the right move in stepping back from the other situation ship. Get yourself in individual counselling asap, marriage counselling won't be effective without that taking place first.

Relationships are hard. Sometimes you have to decide to sink your teeth in to them and not let go, even when you want too. If you can fight to do that, you can fight to be happy again IMO. (Obviously qualifiers about not applying if there's abuse / ongoing cheating.)

Have a think about what you need in a relationship vs what you want vs. what you'd accept. Then see where the two of you fall on the line as you work through things.

I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely.

Of a two month fling. Not your 10 year marriage. That sentence says all anyone needs to know about you OP.

I hope your wife treats you with the same respect and takes you to the cleaners with a shit hot divorce lawyer.

Also to agree with other posters you have made shit life decisions, and you should be thinking about what's best for your wife too. You barely referenced what she wants or how she's doing tbh.

Thanks for your input. To be honest I have used chat gpt a lot to process my thoughts and feelings and I asked it to draft this post for me. I did say on the thread it sounded too much like the blame was on her. It absolutley isnt I can assure you of that and I do not need anybody to tell me what do I am just looking for any real examples of people finding their way back from something like this. Weve spent many happy years together and we got lost, I made a huge mistake for which we're all paying the price.

You’re honestly expecting too much from a marriage. it won’t be a lustful and constantly exciting love affair. A successful marriage is a partnership built on friendship , trust and an intentional shared life. Marriages don’t last as often now because people walk away too easily imo. You have children and there’s no major issues (apart from those you’ve brought by cheating), so there’s no reason not to continue to build that life and marriage.

I think the other person meets your needs because you aren’t talking about money, the kids, who’s going to take the bins out etc.

I do think you’ve done the right thing and been upfront about everything, I would just gently suggest that when I’ve thought about someone else it’s never involved us planning the logistics of playdates and football club, something new is exciting but however exciting it is, eventually the logistics of life will intrude. Having a family and maintaining a romantic relationship can be hard. Can you try counselling?

I can't see how the marriage will work longterm. The minute you hit another dry, mundane patch, you'll be wanting the thrill of getting off with a colleague again. You can't help that. That's just who you are.
Probably best to split up. You're both young and your wife deserves to be with someone who's mad about her. Meanwhile you can co-parent and give your wife plenty of child-free time to maybe meet the love of her life one day.
If you do want to stay together, you need to moderate your expectations and understand that lust waxes and wanes. Listen to Johnny Cash and June Carter sing Jackson.

I would let her go. You may have some therapy, make an effort with one another for a while, then it will drift back to the way it was before and you will both feel resentment towards each other, she will also have trust issues. I will however say marriage is hard and with young children even harder, you may move on and find love again and it be all butterflies and excitement, but fast forward 10 years with the next relationship and you will probably be feeling the same way with her. Good luck

How can you grieve the relationship if you a hundred and ten percent are committed to wanting it to work with your wife? Op this all sounds very on your terms.

You need proper therapy to untangle everything, not just Chatgtp (no hate on you using it, I do too, but let's face it, it's only you inputting into it). But you need to realise the damage you've done. You've sent a strong message to your wife that she's not good enough as a person but more importantly as a woman. That's not easy to come back from.

Also, I do think you need to manage your expectations around marriages. You can't be in love 100% of the time. Marriages are hard, they take work, time and trust and growth through shared experiences. Do I love my husband all the time? No! Sometimes he bugs the shit out of me and I need to take myself off for the day (and I know I annoy him at times too lol). Do I trust him? 100%, are we best friends? Absolutely.

I know people that have had affairs and are still together 25 years later. I know people who permanently split up.

You need to work out what you want. If you stay then take responsibility and work on you marriage. Don't stay for the wrong reasons.

If you leave make sure you don't jump straight into the arms of the other woman. Take time to be single and be a better person and a better father to your kids who are the real victims here.

I've been in your shoes OP. I decided the fairest thing to do was walk away. My relationship with the OM was never going anywhere. It opened my eyes.though. You can't compare a long term relationship with finding feeling/emotions/connections with other people. This will happen throughout your life, you need to decide what's worth staying for. Not everyone has the courage to walk. Yes, it takes courage. Those that do are doing both parties a favour.

You talk about her like she completely neglected you and I don’t believe you. It was likely just as much your fault that there was a disconnect. If you asked most men they would say they would like more sex / intimacy but their partner would likely say that they would like to not be treated like they will want sex at the drop of a hat etc (much more complex than that but cba explaining it to you because you won’t believe it anyway) You also should have just ended the marriage if you were so unhappy but you stayed and still likely had sex with your wife whilst lusting after someone else at work. You most definitely should have left before the night out incident. I hope you get the ending that you deserve in all this. Poor kids.

This. His new relationship would have gotten a bit mundane after 10 years and 2 kids and one person fancying someone at work 🙈 it’s almost a shame he didn’t have to live through getting bored of the new one.

Without sounding harsh, you’re completely spineless. You should have left your wife after nothing changed for the second time. This is such a cliche… instead you had to find someone else and are now going to fuck two people over in the search for your eternal happiness! Your wife probably isn’t that into you either, if she was she’d have made a much bigger effort a long time ago. But she is another one that’s happy to stay in an unhappy marriage as the thought of being alone is crippling! I suggest you get a divorce and get some therapy before you get into another relationship!

Mate, you’re a bloke on here (I assume). You won’t get fair advice - just like MILs and SMs so I would give up now if I were you.

You've tapped out. Dont prolong the inevitable. Split and get on with life. You'll both be ok.

Sorry op but I feel you are deluding yourself because you have already answered your own question as follows:

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it.

Actions speak a lot louder than your many words. You have already chosen to be unfaithful and are now trying to persuade us , or maybe yourself, that your wife is almost ok with it, and your actions were therefore almost justified.

And I’m afraid to be brutally honest also, you are talking far too much about your own happiness and don’t seem to have any insight in to what your wife may have been feeling for many years about you.

For example, two common reasons why a couple’s sex life diminishes is that:

1. the female half of the partnership becomes overwhelmed with work, child-rearing and household tasks once dc arrive and, feels resentful and abandoned by the male half

or

2.the husband isn’t great at sex. I know this isn’t spoken about much but so many men still focus on piv pleasure and many women don’t find that particularly satisfying so sex becomes one more chore.

Both of these examples boil down to selfishness. I’m not saying they apply to you op but going from your opening post which is all we have, it does seems quite self-centred.

You haven’t once expressed any doubts at all about whether you were a good husband or not.

I am afraid your own happiness seems to literally come first the way you express it here anyway:

I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Maybe this is a little harsh but that is how your post comes across on first reading anyway.

Last, your update about loving your wife but not feeling “in love” made me roll my eyes rather as it sounds like a teenager talking!

“I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection I felt significantly more compatible with the other person”

What on earth do you expect after a long term relationship and two children? I honestly think you need to grow up a bit!

Do you not think this would be exactly the same after a long relationship and children with the new person? Life isn’t a fairytale. If you are not finding it satisfying; it’s usually a sign that you are not putting enough effort in.

Sorry op but I feel you are deluding yourself because you have already answered your own question as follows:

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it.

Actions speak a lot louder than your many words. You have already chosen to be unfaithful and are now trying to persuade us , or maybe yourself, that your wife is almost ok with it, and your actions were therefore almost justified.

And I’m afraid to be brutally honest also, you are talking far too much about your own happiness and don’t seem to have any insight in to what your wife may have been feeling for many years about you.

For example, two common reasons why a couple’s sex life diminishes is that:

1. the female half of the partnership becomes overwhelmed with work, child-rearing and household tasks once dc arrive and, feels resentful and abandoned by the male half

or

2.the husband isn’t great at sex. I know this isn’t spoken about much but so many men still focus on piv pleasure and many women don’t find that particularly satisfying so sex becomes one more chore.

Both of these examples boil down to selfishness. I’m not saying they apply to you op but going from your opening post which is all we have, it does seems quite self-centred.

You haven’t once expressed any doubts at all about whether you were a good husband or not.

I am afraid your own happiness seems to literally come first the way you express it here anyway:

I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Maybe this is a little harsh but that is how your post comes across on first reading anyway.

Last, your update about loving your wife but not feeling “in love” made me roll my eyes rather as it sounds like a teenager talking!

“I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection I felt significantly more compatible with the other person”

What on earth do you expect after a long term relationship and two children? I honestly think you need to grow up a bit!

Do you not think this would be exactly the same situation after a long relationship and children with the new person? Life isn’t a fairytale. If you are not finding it satisfying; it’s usually a sign that you are not putting enough effort in.

I'll probably get flamed for this, but I disagree with a lot of posters here. If a married person falls out of love, it doesnt make them a bad person.

OP might sound 'like a cliche' to some but maybe this is because his experience is quite common?

It is really hard when this happens but no amount of counselling or talking it through can make you fall back in love, can it? I don't think so. It can maybe help you to learn to muddle along nicely together, where you get on well enough and feel content. But is that enough for you?

When people leave a relationship like this, they've often had thoughts about leaving for a LONG time and so by the time they do, they're really well and truly done. It might seem a shock to the other person, because their partner kept quiet maybe hoping it would work, hoping things would change, and they didn't.

So maybe to you, the relationship has ended. You did the hard thing and left. Maybe you felt relieved. You met a new person who made you feel excited and wanted, a person who you genuinely enjoyed spending time with. And now after that relief and that new spark, you're going back to the thing you were relieved to leave, after that taste of freedom.

I am just saying that I understand and I feel for you. I had a similar situation and I left. For me, feeling free and excited by life again meant too much to me to give up. (Obviously kids come first and are my first priority. But just being out of a marriage that had felt over for a long time was liberating. And as a child of parents who 'stayed together for the kids' and created a stressful, anxiety-inducing environment for me to grow up in, i vowed i would never do that but build two happy and stable homes for them instead.)

Honestly, life is short. You can try and make it work, and giving it a go is good. But you deserve to be happy too and you cant force yourself to stay if you aren't happy. You dont have to do that. Your wife deserves to be with someone who genuinely loves her and kids can really sense tension. They deserve better too.

Tbh if I was your wife I wouldn’t play the pick me dance. She seems to have lost interest in you years ago and has only felt like making an effort because you’ve shagged somebody else. If I was her I’d let you go right back to the lover and her find somebody loyal that she actually fancies