Try to save my marriage or leave?

[HotCrossDay]

Hi - i'm 30yo, married, with two children (10 and 5). My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. Our relationship has always been very functional.. we’ve never argued about money, always shared childcare and household responsibilities, supported each other’s careers, and built a stable family life. Its rare that we argue or bicker.

Over many years though, I became increasingly unhappy. The relationship gradually felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). Things would improve briefly, then slip back. I suppressed a lot of resentment and slowly stopped feeling like I was choosing to be there, I stayed largely because I didn’t want to hurt my wife, my children, or our wider family. This is something I've only properly come to realise now.

A couple of months ago, after a work night out, I crossed a line with a colleague. I separated from my wife the next day. There was no secrets, everything has been in the open since then, and my wife has known what’s been happening throughout.

The colleague connection subsequently developed into something not much short of a proper relationship. It was intense and highlighted everything I’d felt was missing for a long time: emotional openness, physical affection, humour, ease, and feeling genuinely chosen. It made me realise how starved I’d been of those things and how alive I could feel in a relationship. At the same time, I was (and am) acutely aware of the impact on my wife and children, which has made this incredibly hard.

My wife has been devastated but has also fought hard for the marriage. She accepts that we fell into damaging patterns over time and believes real change is possible. She feels she is a different person in a good way from this, and that she holds no resentment or anything towards what's happened as in her words this needed to happen to take what I've been saying for a long time seriously. I did ask why it was never taken seriously before and she basically said to be honest I never thought you'd actually leave.

I’ve now ended the other relationship completely because I don’t believe I can make a clean, honest decision about my marriage while another person is in the picture. I should add for context that ending the other relationship is very recent, and I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely. I still feel a strong pull towards what that future could have been, and that makes this period emotionally difficult. I’m very aware that this grief could distort my thinking, which is why I’ve deliberately stepped back completely and am trying to put it out of my mind while I give my marriage a genuine, fair chance without another person influencing the decision.

I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection, I felt significantly more compatible with the other person than I have in my relationship for a long time (probably ever). That’s part of what has made this so painful and confusing. However, my wife is absolutely convinced that fundamental changes have finally happened for her as a result of all this, and it’s been impossible for me to ignore that possibility entirely, especially with children involved, in case it really did take something this severe for us to break old patterns and discover whether we could build something genuinely different while remaining a family.

The current plan is:
– a short period of stabilising and slowing things down
– followed by an 8-week structured trial with counselling and clear boundaries

The aim isn’t to force things to work, but to see whether staying can become a genuine choice rather than obligation on my side. I want to reach a point where, once the emotional intensity fades, I either feel real desire to rebuild with my wife, or I can leave knowing I didn’t make a fear or excitement driven decision.

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it. I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Has anyone tried to save a marriage after years of feeling this way and found it truly worked? Or tried and realised it couldn’t? How did you know? Did you regret trying – or regret not trying?

Any advice would be welcome - thank you!

I admire your willingness to try to make your marriage work.

But I can’t help but feel you’re hoping to be told there’s no point and you should follow your mistress dreams.

There is absolutely a chance to make your marriage work. But you have to lean in. You have to accept it isn’t going to feel like a new relationship feels. You said We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). bluntly I immediately read this as “I complained about the lack of sex”.

Leaving sex aside - because sex happens when everything else is right- what did YOU do to create emotional intimacy, playfulness and connection? Did you make sure you and your wife got quality time together? Send texts during the day, not sexual ones but just something funny or interesting? Arrange fun things to do as a couple or as a family? Ask her how things are for her - and listen?

You’ve treated both women appallingly. You should have made a choice and stuck with it. Now you’ve deeply hurt both of them because ‘you can’t decide’. Grow up.

. If a married person falls out of love, it doesnt make them a bad person.

Absolutely not. But cheating on your wife of 10 years with a colleague does...

When people leave a relationship like this, they've often had thoughts about leaving for a LONG time and so by the time they do, they're really well and truly done.

But op didn't leave his wife - he had an affair, THEN split, then enjoyed a 2 month whirlwind fling, which he's now 'grieving' and wonders if going back to his wife is because he wants to or because he should.

That's no basis for any relationship, never mind one that has to overcome infidelity

I’m so fed up of men coming here to moan about lack of sex with their wives and seek other women advice on how to get more sex or agree he should leave.

did you ensure you had the children 50-50 when you left to shag your affair?

it sounds like you bagged and threatened to leave to get more sex. That will have the opposite affect. You are now considering going back believing that she will take the threat seriously? No description of how YOU tried to woo her again or make her feel loved and connected- just all about yourself. Just leave her alone and make sure you have your kids 50/50 and leave her the house

What stood out for me was her comment 'I never thought you'd leave'. You'd raised issues with her and it never made any real difference. However when you actually go - because you have found everything that is missing from your marriage with someone else, she suddenly wants you.
I think it is responsible for you to finish with your girlfriend whilst you sort your marriage out but I personally think your marriage is done. By all means try counselling etc but I really think you've made your decision and should continue with separation and divorce.
Good luck

I think you might have come to the wrong place here. Mumsnet is not sympathetic to this situation.

You’ll get your arse handed to you.

For what’s it’s worth start dating your wife again and see if you can reignite your relationship. It might not be possible but at least you’ll both know you tried.

There must have been prior build up with this colleague prior to you crossing a line on a random night out after work. How do you know your wife didn’t have a gut feeling something had changed in YOU, because we do feel it.

You say you mentioned stuff over years but what did YOU do to help that change?

It feels like you’re trying to justify your wrong doings because you feel shame for your actions, and rightly so. Yes you were honest after it happened but you had an affair.

Did you take your wife out on date nights, show her connection throughout the days rather than just when you wanted it in the bedroom?

childhood years can be rough and you won’t always be the priority, but it’s all phases.

Sure your fling must have been an eye opener, but what happens when you’ve been with that person for years, you’re dealing with your or become a step parent. What happens when you hit a rough patch, or the ‘lust’ dwindles, will it be her fault?

if you’re not 100% sure just let her go, otherwise you’re bread crumbing her and giving her hope that you might back peddle on again, which is more hurt for her and your children.

it will take a lot of trust for her to build back up that you won’t have an affair and leave again when things are always rosy, because they won’t be, it’s life.

answer me this, what are you going to change for your wife and children to be better?

Wow op, by all means take advice from NumbersGuy who thinks that posters are given you the advice they have because their own life is sad and not because they have lived a bit and seen this scenario played out a thousand times on here.

Fwiw this particular “harpie” has been happily married for over thirty years and also met their dh as a teenager and also has two dc so thought they could add something useful to the discussion that might help.

Tbh when a grown man of two dc posts about missing “playfulness” and “connectivity” they mean sex. They don’t usually mean they are in bits because they are missing some deep emotional landscape in their life. Let’s at least be honest.

I know the old cliché about men needing sex to feel close and women needing to feel close to have sex. There is some truth in it.

But if a man says he is missing “playfulness” in his marriage then my questions are as follows:

-what did he contribute to the relationship so that his wife had the time and space to feel playful?

More specifically;
-who cleans the loos in your house?
-what is the name of the secretary in your child’s school?
-who bought and wrapped all of the Christmas presents including for your family?
-who bought your dc school uniform and shoes?
-who last took your children to the hairdresser and dentist?
-when you last had a family day out doing a child centred activity, who planned it and bought the tickets?
-who last bought the bags for the bin in your bathroom and changed them?
-who buys laundry liquid?
-who last cleaned inside the oven and fridge?
-when one of your children went to a birthday party, who bought the present and wrapped it?

In other words, did you take enough of the practical burdens off your wife so she had time and space to think about her own needs for once and not the needs of others? Because imho many men don’t have a clue about half the life management stuff their wife is fitting in to their day, alongside working and parenting.

^When people leave a relationship like this, they've often had thoughts about leaving for a LONG time and so by the time they do, they're really well and truly done*

Each to their own opinion but you know what is also quite common on here?

Women reporting than men (not people) left the relationship or had an affair without community properly or effectively in advance so it all came as a shock to them.

My view on these things - with the major caveat of violence or abuse or a toxic environment - is to stick in it , make it work, and understand that married life isn’t a thrill a minute. It is often mundane. Stick at it for your children’s sake. Many single parents do a wonderful job, but the nuclear family, with two cohabiting parents - if you’re lucky enough to have one - is the preferred environment to be raised.

Oh love 😔
I could have written this myself. I literally just joined MN to write a very similar post. It's heartbreaking. Unfortunately, I have no advice however, I do know how you feel. You're not alone. I wish I could offer you advice, I'd probably take my own advice if I knew what it was.
Good luck with whatever you choose, definitely won't be an easy decision.

This is extremely messy @HotCrossDay . First, a dead marriage, then spice it up with cheating, then from cheating grows a new relationship, while the dead marriage in this panic is trying to resurface, and now ending and GRIEVING(!) the new relationship so the zombie marriage has a chance to resurrect.
Nothing is right here.
You say it is about giving a chance to the marriage - but what chance do you have rebuilding on foundations that are so hectic and full of chaos? I am sorry, you are literally grieving a relationship. Does that not tell you something? You could emotionally form a brand new one, regardless of the old marriage you had. The love you lost for your wife will not just "come back" just because you decide to hammer that relationship a bit more. It is just such a failed project, I can't even begin to tell you, how much.
None of us see you owning any part of the original marriage dying a slow death over the years, other than raising that you are unhappy.. Did you take any steps, did you do anything, were you also equally to blame like your wife? i mean, not that it matters now.
Look. Everyone deserves to be happy, and honestly, it would be more respectful and clean for everyone to just go ahead and separate. The roots of this are just way too tangled and rotting, sometimes, forcing it is just not enough it, you have to let go. Your wife needs a chance to be happy with a new life, or with someone who didn't cheat on her after losing the love between them, and the same goes to you, to be happy with someone, and take what what you learned from the past and not replicate it. If you only called off this new relationship just to backtrack to the dead marriage and see if it can magically resurrect, it was not the best idea, if both you and the new lady were happy. This way it was all for nothing, if that relationship made you both happy, at least creating chaos with the marriage wouldn't be in vain, you know?

You're a bloke and you cheated, so you're in for a hammering on MN!

It is possible to be married to the wrong person (I was, in my first marriage!), and realise your mistake by comparison with other relationships. It's not ideal to have found this out by having an affair, but there's no point crying over spilt milk.

Having recognised what's missing from your marriage, I don't think you can bludgeon your heart and mind into just being happy with your lot until you die. I wish it were that easy!

The safest thing all round is for you to step away from the marriage, which is unlikely to give either of you complete fulfilment in the long run. Be wary of investing completely in the affair, though. It is probably one of many steps you must take before you find the right person. It's a long learning curve.

I agree that people can make mistakes when they marry young but having an affair is never the way to deal with it. Especially when children are on the scene because it causes so much distress to one of their main carers.The fall out effects the entire family and is very selfish imho.

Btw, apologies, I have just realised that the word ‘communicating’ autocorrected to´community’ in my post of 9.15 am below.

You got together and started a family very young, before you knew who you were as an adult. Knowing you missed out on meeting other women who could have been more compatible is tough. On the other hand, leaving a family is a much bigger decision than leaving a girl friend, so I think your plan is wise, even if it doesn't work out. You need to forget the other woman though. New relationship energy is very powerful and seductive but you really don't know whether you would be truly compatible after such a short time - that being madly in love feeling doesn't always (ever?) last. And it sounds like you fell into it out of convenience without any consideration of who you are and what you would want from a new relationship. If you can't let it go, then I don't think you have a chance of saving the marriage. And maybe your wife will realise this eventually too....

A trial separation?

But I think you have crossed a line and your relationship is not recoverable.

I think you grieving the short relationship & what could have been & not your marriage says that you should probably be trying to pursue that relationship & not try to revive your marriage that is dead in the water.

what makes you think that a) things will actually change this time? & b) will your wife really forgive l/forget the cheating & leaving for someone else? I doubt b will happen & it will be thrown in your face every time you argue or do something wrong.

You need time to decide what you want without anyone else in the picture.
When you crossed the line with the colleague you should have not let it go any further, been honest with your wife and taken time to consider how you truly feel.
New relationships are exciting, existing ones take work.
You and your wife got together and had a family together very young, you can’t compare what you have/had to someone you’ve met at 30….
My DH and I have had tough times, almost separated and decided that what we have is worth the trying to work through everything when it becomes bogged down by everyday life.
We met in our early 20’s, we’re now in our 40’s and our marriage is pretty strong. We’ve never had our heads turned by someone else though, our resentments were the usual problems over division of chores/lack of intimacy etc
Don’t stay with your wife because you feel you have to, stay with her because being with her makes you feel whole.
Even in our toughest times the thought of being apart was awful once the initial angst had settled, we didn’t want to be apart because of itchy feet though which it honestly sounds like you have, the desire to be with the new and exciting won’t leave you if you honestly think you’ve been starved of affection, humour and exciting conversation…

Oooo you're going to get a roasting on here! Good luck OP.....🤦‍♀️

maybe just separate and coparent but no divorce yet. Live apart and talk, then date, then re commit if it works. Couples therapy etc. But the old marriage is dead so don't cling onto it.

You've been together since your teenage years, and were 20 years old, when your oldest child was born. We change an awful lot between the ages of 18-30. We grow, develop and mature as we go through these years. What you may have wanted at 20, may not necessarily be what you want or need by the time you hit 30.

You don't need me to tell you (or anyone else) that having an affair isn't the right way to behave. I appreciate you've told your wife on numerous occasions, over the years that you're unhappy and it's fallen on deaf ears. You've betrayed your wife (and children) in the worst possible way.

You make a point in an update to say that you love your wife, but you're not in love with her. You love your wife because she's the Mother of your children and you like her as a person. You no longer have the same passion for her as you did, and therefore aren't in love with her any longer.

Honestly...end your marriage. You aren't staying in the marriage because you want to, you are staying because you feel it's what you should do. It's not the right reasons. Don't prolong the agony for your wife and children, by going through the charade of hoping you might want to stay and that you might fall in love with your wife again.

How anyone can suggest to keep trying to resurrect this marriage that was dead even before the complicated mess is absolutely baffling me..

Honestly these are just my honest views no one has to agree.. but I think every relationship starts out exciting we can be the two most compatible people in the world but that doesn't mean that at some point in 5 ,10, 15 ,20 , years you won't suddenly feel as attracted to each other or life's ups and downs can grind you down.
Isn't that what a marriage is to commit to stay together throughout it all .. who's to say in years to come you won't feel the same again about the colleague you've had a fling with .. your looking a life through rose tinted glasses ..
You will have to pay child maintenance see your children regularly to help them still feel secure will a new partner still be as attractive with all of these changes taking place..
If your going to work at your marriage don't make comparisons between your marriage and a new relationship it's not a fair one.

It's all about you @HotCrossDay