Try to save my marriage or leave?

[HotCrossDay]

Hi - i'm 30yo, married, with two children (10 and 5). My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. Our relationship has always been very functional.. we’ve never argued about money, always shared childcare and household responsibilities, supported each other’s careers, and built a stable family life. Its rare that we argue or bicker.

Over many years though, I became increasingly unhappy. The relationship gradually felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). Things would improve briefly, then slip back. I suppressed a lot of resentment and slowly stopped feeling like I was choosing to be there, I stayed largely because I didn’t want to hurt my wife, my children, or our wider family. This is something I've only properly come to realise now.

A couple of months ago, after a work night out, I crossed a line with a colleague. I separated from my wife the next day. There was no secrets, everything has been in the open since then, and my wife has known what’s been happening throughout.

The colleague connection subsequently developed into something not much short of a proper relationship. It was intense and highlighted everything I’d felt was missing for a long time: emotional openness, physical affection, humour, ease, and feeling genuinely chosen. It made me realise how starved I’d been of those things and how alive I could feel in a relationship. At the same time, I was (and am) acutely aware of the impact on my wife and children, which has made this incredibly hard.

My wife has been devastated but has also fought hard for the marriage. She accepts that we fell into damaging patterns over time and believes real change is possible. She feels she is a different person in a good way from this, and that she holds no resentment or anything towards what's happened as in her words this needed to happen to take what I've been saying for a long time seriously. I did ask why it was never taken seriously before and she basically said to be honest I never thought you'd actually leave.

I’ve now ended the other relationship completely because I don’t believe I can make a clean, honest decision about my marriage while another person is in the picture. I should add for context that ending the other relationship is very recent, and I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely. I still feel a strong pull towards what that future could have been, and that makes this period emotionally difficult. I’m very aware that this grief could distort my thinking, which is why I’ve deliberately stepped back completely and am trying to put it out of my mind while I give my marriage a genuine, fair chance without another person influencing the decision.

I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection, I felt significantly more compatible with the other person than I have in my relationship for a long time (probably ever). That’s part of what has made this so painful and confusing. However, my wife is absolutely convinced that fundamental changes have finally happened for her as a result of all this, and it’s been impossible for me to ignore that possibility entirely, especially with children involved, in case it really did take something this severe for us to break old patterns and discover whether we could build something genuinely different while remaining a family.

The current plan is:
– a short period of stabilising and slowing things down
– followed by an 8-week structured trial with counselling and clear boundaries

The aim isn’t to force things to work, but to see whether staying can become a genuine choice rather than obligation on my side. I want to reach a point where, once the emotional intensity fades, I either feel real desire to rebuild with my wife, or I can leave knowing I didn’t make a fear or excitement driven decision.

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it. I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Has anyone tried to save a marriage after years of feeling this way and found it truly worked? Or tried and realised it couldn’t? How did you know? Did you regret trying – or regret not trying?

Any advice would be welcome - thank you!

Ugh. Another man who wasn't getting enough sex.
Another man who cheated on his wife.
Another crappy man.

Look up Limerence OP. That’s probably what you feel for your short term relationship.
Your marriage on the other had that’s worth fighting for. Love isn’t always an emotion, it’s more frequently a choice and an action.

I'm not sure I can add anything else to the questions asked here other than I do believe your feelings written so eloquently are definitely relevent.

I dont know if my answer is appropriate to your own predicament although I would personally add the following.

When you decided to marry & start a family I have no doubt you wouldn't have dreamed of considering one day you would have written this post especially now there are children in the equation. You have to ask yourself if it is your wife you are actually disconnecting with naturally or is it because you resent the amount of attention she is having to understandably shower on your children & are you doing the same. Ask yourself how you would feel if all her attention was on you & all your needs & desires. It sounds like you both need to establish special time together to at least try to reignite the spark you had initially. Your fling was simply a fantasy which didn't involve the responsibility of 2 young children. The most successful marriages find a balance between childcare & finding time to keep the couple spark alive. You both have a lot to work on.

You don't think the other woman is going to wait for you to figure this out do you? That episode is over. It sounds like you grew up and grew apart from your wife. 30 is still very young, often an age when people only start to think about getting married. If you think things can change for the better then go for it, but it feels like a lot of effort for something that should be easy.

I say that your wife is 100% better off without you. She will find better

You sound like someone chasing the excitement and romance of new relationships. You will never have that intensity all the way through a marriage. Its like you described your marriage, it comes back for periods then it is back to just getting on with normal life, still having the love for your partner but not all sunshine and rainbows.
You probably would be bored of the OW in a couple of years and out searching for your next bit of excitement. That's usually the case with people who have affairs. The decent thing for you to do is leave your wife to give her chance to find someone who is capable of commitment.

I married young. I met someone much later and fell immediately in love. I knew there was no chance of feeling that way about my husband. I left. It was a hard choice and selfish. It was the right choice for me and I have never regretted it.

I didn’t have kids. Realistically, if I did have kids, I don’t think I’d have left the marriage. It was okay and I couldn’t have pursued anything new anyway or been really free in my decisions. It would have been hard but I imagine I would have survived and found enough to enjoy.

I hope it doesn’t need to be said but whatever you decide about your marriage you absolutely cannot walk away from your kids. That means you can’t move far away, you have to be physically near throughout their childhood. You are actively involved in their education and emotional and physical care very regularly. You think about what they need. You are financially responsible for them at least until they’re adults. Further, you are financially reasonable to some extent for their mother. You and she have made choices together that have life long consequences and you must not let all those consequences fall on solely her. If her career has taken a hit, for example, imo you morally should share that consequence long term.

A lot of why I chose poorly in the first place was listening to people who said real relationships don’t always feel romantic, pick someone who is a good friend and trustworthy etc, you can’t expect to always feel in love. Maybe you can’t for 50 years, I don’t know, but I’ve confirmed it’s possible for 5 to feel deeply and consistently in love and attracted. I never felt like that before. So there’s truth in all those responses saying you need to lower your expectations of marriage but it’s not the whole truth.

I still believe in the value of marriage and feel sad that I couldn’t keep my promises. It’s not a decision to make lightly.

Like PP I feel bad for your wife who seems to have been painted as the reason the marriage failed and sounds like is expected to do all the work to “win” you back and fix it.
of course relationships are a twofold responsibility and we don’t know all the details of how she has behaved and made you feel however you don’t seem to take any accountability for the problems, got your head turned as soon as things got hard and are comparing a marriage in which boring life stuff has to be a part of with a shiny new person giving you loads of attention.
if you’re mourning your affair so strongly I would suggest that you let your wife go and not make her play this pick me game where you seem to be waiting for her to prove her worth to you

Well-said, @StartsSaturdayatnineoclock

Marriage is very rarely easy it always takes work and when children come into the equation it can get lost. You mentioned to your wife a few times about the marriage but did you actually try anything to to make her feel special. Fair play to you for writing on here and glad you finished the other relationship. to make it work it shows you want to get back on track.
I heard something on the radio recently that they suggested people have a date night Make one night or day a month if not more where you do different things together no children involved each person take in turns to think up something different. EG Cinema , meal, crazy golf, ice skating And I don't know if you heard about the story of John Bishop who got back with his wife because she had forgotten how funny he was and rediscovered this, just something so simple . Although you have had an affair it doesnt mean it has to be the end. If you genuinely love each other it can work, if you make it! All the best. We all make mistakes yes people on here saying oh typical bloke had an affair do her a favour and leave . But sometimes it does take something drastic women do have affairs as well.

I reckon your wife should bone one of her colleagues, then you would both come at it from the same one-foot-in-one-foot-out mindset. Have you sat down and worked out what the asset split and childcare split would look like? You aren’t teenagers, you are parents. Start with the practicalities of divorce not some shit soap opera high octane drama, really unappealing approach from anyone who isn’t under 20.

Marriages take a lot of effort. Especially with young kids and after being together since teens. I know as my husband and I have been together since teenagers and we have children (adults now).

You sound like you are blaming your wife for not putting effort into your marriage and yet the effort you should have put into the marriage you have been putting into forging another relationship with another woman.

You should be shouting that you love your wife. That you will do anything and everything to try and heal the marriage. Instead you’re blaming her for the relationship not being as exciting as it once was. It sounds like you feel justified and she pushed you to your affair. You don’t seem to be accepting any blame for the infidelity.

I think you need to spilt up. I hope your wife is already seeking legal advice and getting things in order as it sounds like you don’t love your wife enough to make the marriage work. I would be interested to hear if your wife thinks that share all the house and child responsibilities.

Your wife deserves to find someone who is crazy about her and can't live without her....if that's not you it's best to pull the plaster off and leave now.

Sorry, your wife said “this needed to happen” re the affair? That’s a first for me

I genuinely do love her, more than anything, but i've said for a while that I don't feel "in love"

OP, this says it all, to me. Falling in love is the rocket fuel that starts a relationship. That ‘in love’ feeling is not a long-term thing. If all goes well, the lust and excitement settle down into a steady love that grows deeper with time.

Wanting to feel ‘in love’ all the time is unrealistic, unless you want a series of affairs -- and that really will kill your marriage.

OMG your poor wife.
FGS get divorced so that she can find someone who actually appreciates her.

Yeah, poor wife. This guy is a giant self-pitying whiner. I hope she comes to her senses, stops the pick-me dance, and shows him the door.

Op I've only read your posts so sorry if I'm repeating advice you've already had.

My dh and I are 2 years into reconciliation after his affair, so my advice comes from the other side of your experience and what we have learned together.

Firstly we'll done for being honest, and also understanding that you can't make a decision on your marriage whilst tied to the other person

I know you feel that you have more connection to the other person, but a big part of that will be that it's new and excited. Can you recall the beginning of your relationship with your wife? How does that compare?

Remember that your view of your wife and your marriage is currently through the lens of a new shiny person. How your wife has been towards you has likely been a response to your efforts being placed elsewhere, intentionally or otherwise. One of the biggest realisations for my husband was that he'd not been putting much if any effort into us or our family. In return I was tired and resentful. When someone new showed an interest this validated his view that I was the problem. Through therapy and much more effort from him (and from me) we've built a new and fulfilling marriage.

Can you and your wife get a away from all the day to day and just make an effort to reconnect and see what is there? My dh and I spent a week with our kids at a remote holiday home a couple of months after he disclosed his affair. It was a huge turning point for us. Just us and the kids having fun away from all the day to day heaviness of life.

If you do stay and reconcile you both need to be prepared for the long haul roller coaster you're in for. From my side, I spent the first few months just scrabbling to get my life as I knew it back. There were times i was angry, times I was broken but times when we really reconnected and it was like it was in the early days..we had to pick over our old marriage (which you'll find is dead and buried now) and decide what to get rid of and what to take into the new marriage.

You will need to really think about what letting go of your marriage will mean. This is my second marriage, and it's been a long one but there are still times something happens and I think of my ex dh, that i would tell him about something or I'm reminded of a shared experience (and it was my choice to end that one). All those parts of life you shared will be gone forever. Whatever issued you have within you that led you to cheat on your wife you'll be carrying into your new marriage. Whatever irritates your wife about you will likely start to irriate your new partner, you'll discover the things that irritate you about her too. It won't be shiny and new forever- is it worth it?

I wasn’t going to comment, but your post has stayed with me.

I recognise a lot of what you’ve written. My DH had a long emotional affair, and therapy helped us understand how we got there. He isn’t a bad person, and I don’t think you are either — but he did have to face that his behaviour was destructive. That part was incredibly hard for him, and it may be for you too.

What troubles me in your post is the lack of awareness of the damage you’ve caused. You talk as though you crossed one line and immediately confessed, with no acknowledgement of the many steps that must have led there. There’s no real remorse for your wife, who must be devastated, yet is still trying to take responsibility for her part in the marriage - not for your affair, which was entirely your choice.

You describe the affair as something meaningful, but you don’t mention a single thing about the other woman herself — only how you felt. That tells its own story.

My DH was the same at first: everything was my fault, and he was the wounded party. It took therapy and a near‑divorce for him to realise he’d been avoiding conflict, refusing vulnerability, and expecting me to read his mind. You say you “tried to talk” to your wife, but did you actually tell her the truth — that you were flirting with a colleague and your marriage was at risk? Because that’s very different from snapping, sulking, or hinting.

Instead, you sought validation elsewhere, without thinking about your wife or your children. And now you’re framing yourself as the good guy for “trying again”, while still sounding resentful that she didn’t fix things sooner.

Your happiness matters — but unless you understand why you were able to betray your family without real regret, you will repeat this pattern. Your wife absolutely will have felt you pulling away, even if she didn’t know why. She didn’t choose to stray; she’s still fighting for the marriage while you sit on the fence.

If you can’t genuinely face the harm you’ve caused and commit to real change, then the kindest thing you can do is leave. Staying half‑heartedly will hurt her far more in the long run.

I think, as is usual with MN, you’re being given a hard time because you’re a man. If you were a woman in the same situation, most people wouldn’t have been so harsh. I can only wish you luck in working through your difficulties together and saving your marriage.

I would say you should go. With the sort of distance in your marriage it was always a huge risk that one or both of you would be tempted elsewhere. That is a symptom of the marriage problems and I would say just leave. Being with someone from teens very rarely works. You are different people and probably quite frankly sick of each other. The kids will be okay but you and her only have one life. Also, despite what she says now she will never forgive you for cheating and it will always hang over the marriage. Best of luck.

I agree with this wholeheartedly. All these posts saying marriage is hard work it's supposed to be hard...yes it is. But if it is ONLY hard work you need to leave. Being honest and brave and admitting you are not in love with her anymore is the right thing to do.

Agree with @StartsSaturdayatnineoclock I don’t think men understand why women can’t focus on them as much as they want them to.

You just want more sex & will give the marriage a go, but if you’re not getting as much ‘playfulness’ and ‘connection’ as you feel you need then you’ll go and find that elsewhere.

Did you have the children 50/50 while you were working out what to do & experimenting with your new partner? Or did you have the luxury of just being able to have a romantic relationship with little responsibility for your children?

How long does your wife need to keep on being playful in order for you to stay? It sounds like you’ll be off as soon as she doesn’t feel up for regular sex.

Unpopular opinion here I’m sure but why do you want to stay in a marriage with someone you’re not in love with anymore instead of pursuing a relationship with someone you’re more compatible with and sound like you may be in love with?

I find it really irritating how society obsesses over marriage, with strangers who know nothing about you insisting that falling in love with someone else when you’re married is always wrong and staying in the marriage is always right. Or that thinking about your own happiness is somehow wrong.

I totally disagree and I think particularly when you get together when young it is not unusual that you may be a different person in your 30s to when you were a teenager.

Yes of course ending a relationship before falling for someone else would be better but life isn’t black and white. Life is short however and this is not a dress rehearsal. If you have found someone that you feel an intense love for I’d go for it. Your whole life shouldn’t be based on what is best for everyone else, including your kids, who quickly grow up and very much live their own lives. It is not wrong to think of and pursue your own happiness.

Leading me to another thing that I find irritating about opinions on affairs - that it’s not really love, it’s an infatuation, lust, it will fail etc. As if you can only truly fall in love if you’re single and it’s suddenly impossible to feel real love for anyone but your spouse.

I had an affair and regret every day ending it to “do the right thing”. I have never felt the love we had before or since and just as I was unhappy in my relationship then, I’m still unhappy in it now. But hey, at I least I apparently did the right thing according to a bunch of strangers.

Your poor partner... they deserve better.