Hi - i'm 30yo, married, with two children (10 and 5). My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. Our relationship has always been very functional.. we’ve never argued about money, always shared childcare and household responsibilities, supported each other’s careers, and built a stable family life. Its rare that we argue or bicker.
Over many years though, I became increasingly unhappy. The relationship gradually felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). Things would improve briefly, then slip back. I suppressed a lot of resentment and slowly stopped feeling like I was choosing to be there, I stayed largely because I didn’t want to hurt my wife, my children, or our wider family. This is something I've only properly come to realise now.
A couple of months ago, after a work night out, I crossed a line with a colleague. I separated from my wife the next day. There was no secrets, everything has been in the open since then, and my wife has known what’s been happening throughout.
The colleague connection subsequently developed into something not much short of a proper relationship. It was intense and highlighted everything I’d felt was missing for a long time: emotional openness, physical affection, humour, ease, and feeling genuinely chosen. It made me realise how starved I’d been of those things and how alive I could feel in a relationship. At the same time, I was (and am) acutely aware of the impact on my wife and children, which has made this incredibly hard.
My wife has been devastated but has also fought hard for the marriage. She accepts that we fell into damaging patterns over time and believes real change is possible. She feels she is a different person in a good way from this, and that she holds no resentment or anything towards what's happened as in her words this needed to happen to take what I've been saying for a long time seriously. I did ask why it was never taken seriously before and she basically said to be honest I never thought you'd actually leave.
I’ve now ended the other relationship completely because I don’t believe I can make a clean, honest decision about my marriage while another person is in the picture. I should add for context that ending the other relationship is very recent, and I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely. I still feel a strong pull towards what that future could have been, and that makes this period emotionally difficult. I’m very aware that this grief could distort my thinking, which is why I’ve deliberately stepped back completely and am trying to put it out of my mind while I give my marriage a genuine, fair chance without another person influencing the decision.
I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection, I felt significantly more compatible with the other person than I have in my relationship for a long time (probably ever). That’s part of what has made this so painful and confusing. However, my wife is absolutely convinced that fundamental changes have finally happened for her as a result of all this, and it’s been impossible for me to ignore that possibility entirely, especially with children involved, in case it really did take something this severe for us to break old patterns and discover whether we could build something genuinely different while remaining a family.
The current plan is:
– a short period of stabilising and slowing things down
– followed by an 8-week structured trial with counselling and clear boundaries
The aim isn’t to force things to work, but to see whether staying can become a genuine choice rather than obligation on my side. I want to reach a point where, once the emotional intensity fades, I either feel real desire to rebuild with my wife, or I can leave knowing I didn’t make a fear or excitement driven decision.
Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it. I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.
Has anyone tried to save a marriage after years of feeling this way and found it truly worked? Or tried and realised it couldn’t? How did you know? Did you regret trying – or regret not trying?
Any advice would be welcome - thank you!