Try to save my marriage or leave?

[HotCrossDay]

Hi - i'm 30yo, married, with two children (10 and 5). My wife and I have been together since we were teenagers. Our relationship has always been very functional.. we’ve never argued about money, always shared childcare and household responsibilities, supported each other’s careers, and built a stable family life. Its rare that we argue or bicker.

Over many years though, I became increasingly unhappy. The relationship gradually felt more like a friendship than a romantic partnership. We lacked emotional and physical intimacy, playfulness, and connection. I raised this multiple times over the years (several times a year, every year). Things would improve briefly, then slip back. I suppressed a lot of resentment and slowly stopped feeling like I was choosing to be there, I stayed largely because I didn’t want to hurt my wife, my children, or our wider family. This is something I've only properly come to realise now.

A couple of months ago, after a work night out, I crossed a line with a colleague. I separated from my wife the next day. There was no secrets, everything has been in the open since then, and my wife has known what’s been happening throughout.

The colleague connection subsequently developed into something not much short of a proper relationship. It was intense and highlighted everything I’d felt was missing for a long time: emotional openness, physical affection, humour, ease, and feeling genuinely chosen. It made me realise how starved I’d been of those things and how alive I could feel in a relationship. At the same time, I was (and am) acutely aware of the impact on my wife and children, which has made this incredibly hard.

My wife has been devastated but has also fought hard for the marriage. She accepts that we fell into damaging patterns over time and believes real change is possible. She feels she is a different person in a good way from this, and that she holds no resentment or anything towards what's happened as in her words this needed to happen to take what I've been saying for a long time seriously. I did ask why it was never taken seriously before and she basically said to be honest I never thought you'd actually leave.

I’ve now ended the other relationship completely because I don’t believe I can make a clean, honest decision about my marriage while another person is in the picture. I should add for context that ending the other relationship is very recent, and I’m currently grieving that loss quite intensely. I still feel a strong pull towards what that future could have been, and that makes this period emotionally difficult. I’m very aware that this grief could distort my thinking, which is why I’ve deliberately stepped back completely and am trying to put it out of my mind while I give my marriage a genuine, fair chance without another person influencing the decision.

I also need to be honest that, in terms of personality, energy, communication and connection, I felt significantly more compatible with the other person than I have in my relationship for a long time (probably ever). That’s part of what has made this so painful and confusing. However, my wife is absolutely convinced that fundamental changes have finally happened for her as a result of all this, and it’s been impossible for me to ignore that possibility entirely, especially with children involved, in case it really did take something this severe for us to break old patterns and discover whether we could build something genuinely different while remaining a family.

The current plan is:
– a short period of stabilising and slowing things down
– followed by an 8-week structured trial with counselling and clear boundaries

The aim isn’t to force things to work, but to see whether staying can become a genuine choice rather than obligation on my side. I want to reach a point where, once the emotional intensity fades, I either feel real desire to rebuild with my wife, or I can leave knowing I didn’t make a fear or excitement driven decision.

Right now, if I’m being brutally honest, I still don’t feel I’m choosing my marriage because I want it, but because I want to want it. I am however terrified of sacrificing my own happiness long term, but equally terrified of breaking my family if this was actually salvageable.

Has anyone tried to save a marriage after years of feeling this way and found it truly worked? Or tried and realised it couldn’t? How did you know? Did you regret trying – or regret not trying?

Any advice would be welcome - thank you!

Do you have kids @Elizacat ? The OP does. Personally I think that if you have kids with someone and the relationship works day to day (not abusive or angry) then you do owe it to your kids to stay and work on the relationship as much as possible rather than chasing “in love”. If you don’t have kids it’s a totally different equation.

I don't - she's putting her children first which is what both parents should be doing.

@Allthegoodonesareg0ne Thanks, this is a perfect example of people who know nothing about you or your relationship making judgments and assumptions and thinking they know what is best for complete strangers.

I do, but adult aged now. I know it goes against the grain but I don’t happen to believe that either, that you absolutely must stay because you have children even if it makes you miserable, as though we suddenly aren’t people who deserve happiness just because we have kids. I respect that your opinion differs to mine however.

You're a cheat who saw something shiny. You'll find the same problems with your cheating partner if you continue.

Your poor wife deserves so much better.

I'm basing my opinion purely on what you've disclosed. You cheated on your partner, then chose to stay with them even though you don't want to in order to 'do the right thing'.
Except you aren't interested in doing the right thing. You cheated, and you stay in a relationship you aren't happy in with a partner you don't appear to love.
So what you're interested in is being seen to do the right thing. Doing the right thing would have meant not cheating and ending your relationship so your partner could have a chance at finding someone who actually cares for them.

You’re missing the point, the point being that no it wasn’t the right thing to do, but society says it is, that the marriage is the be all and end all and you must choose and work at it at all costs.

And how ridiculous, “you should have not cheated, should have ended your relationship first” etc. yeah because life is so neat and tidy like that isn’t it.

Another thing that seems to have gone completely over your head is that you know nothing about what sort of person my partner is and what he does or doesn’t deserve and have no right to judge me or anyone else or push your beliefs and opinions about what is right or wrong onto anyone else.

You are welcome to your beliefs, and to attach yourself to whatever excuses you need to in order to justify your behaviour.
I don't think society says the marriage is the best all and end all at all. I am a divorcee myself and never felt judged for it. Cheating is another thing. As is letting someone else belive you want to be with them, at the cost of them missing the chance to be with someone who might truly love them.
Your partner may well be hideous. That would justify leaving but not cheating.
Of course things in life aren't black and white. All we can do is hold on to our own integrity.

Indeed, but I don’t feel that my integrity has been compromised at all. This is the whole underlying point really of my post, people pushing their own morals and rules on to others without being privy to the circumstances and complexities of a relationship.

Anyway, I feel we are going round in circles, so let’s agree to disagree.

@HotCrossDay

Thing is - the "in-love" feeling that you had with the new person is only really possible at the beginning of a relationship. It's what's called "new relationship energy" - and people who chase that end up disappointed when it inevitably change in any new relationship they enter.
"In-love" of the early relationship - the strong emotional and physical connection is a hormonally driven feeling. At that moment you don't really even know the other person - and both of you project the image of yourself you want the other person to see.
No 10- year marriage can stand a chance when compared to that new relationship feeling.

That said - you and your W got together very young. Too young. And had kids too quickly. You had not fully matured and developed yet. And it is not uncommon for people who settle in their teenage years to realise they don't fit well when they "grow up". Which may have happened to you.
But, of course - there are also kids involved - sadly.

I am not sure that decision to stay has to only be based on the Hollywood movie idea of "being in love/lust/butterflies"... I think as we have kids - we also make a commitment to them too - so partially, the consideration must include them, not ONLY the butterflies that are/are not present in their parents stomachs.

You have a good plan - take a bit of time and do couples counselling. But also - do individual counselling - as you have a very romantic view of what a relationship is supposed to be. "In love" phase inevitably moves on to a more mature - "loving" phase in any relationship. Not as exciting, no fireworks - but something that sustains relationships in a longer term. It'll be true with any new relationship you'll enter.
Unless you keep moving on to a new partner chasing the butterflies before that happens

from someone who has gone through a divorce the only regret i continue to feel is that we didn't try to save the marriage. If you try, you can then both walk away with your heads held high knowing you gave it your all, but it just wasn't meant to be. Don't live with regret

No-one is going to give you a medal for trying really really hard at your marriage, least of all your wife.
It's hard to turn your back forever on the possibility of love. If you have any doubt that you can't do it, don't even try, as you're just wasting your wife's time. Just be honest, if you no longer love her don't go through the motions so you can be show off about being the "good guy" when it ends.
Some people thrive in a long hard slog marriage and some don't.

Mumsnet is not the place to ask this question. At best you'll get anecdotes, at worst pure projection.

You've already ceased your affair. What have you got to lose in following through with the counselling?

(This is not necessarily a rhetorical question, @HotCrossDay. If you have an answer, it could be illuminating.)

I know you've been given a grilling re this post so reluctant to chime in...but...

You've got two young kids as part of a 30 year relationship. Making that work can be challenging at the best of times. Distractions whether affairs, or getting lost in life's routines is a typical way many couples avoid facing the reality of making a long term relationship work. Chrating is devastating. While your op falls short of full accountability I respect you for giving yourself headspace to solely focus on your marriage.

I think the counselling is a great idea but you need to go into it honestly. Putting your affair aside for the moment, do you want to be married to your wife and are you willing to do what it takes over the unforeseeable future to build back trust passion and the partnership that's been lacking. You can be sceptical about whether its possible but hope is a powerful thing

If you've checked out. Then use the counselling to bow out honestly, gracefully and in a way that preserves a positive co parenting relationship for your children.